Chapter Twelve
"Haruto..." Mr. Watanabe called out hopelessly, running out of the mansion right after seeing his son left.
I glanced at my grandma holding my hand. "Grandma, I need to go. Excuse me," I bowed down my head as I get myself out of the table and nervously ran after Haruto and Mr. Watanabe.
I froze on my feet, hid myself behind the big tree in the garden.
"What's happening?!" anger is evident in his voice, I took a peek just to see Haruto's face crumpled with confusion and anger. I bit my lip trying myself not to let out a cry. It's breaking me watching him breaking down.
"Ruto-ya... Calm down, please. Dad will explain," Mr. Watanabe's voice was soft, he is obviously careful not to make a single mistake. He knows letting his son know about him getting remarried will break his heart.
"I'm not dumb! I know what's happening! But why?! Why do you need to remarry?! Damn!"
Tears streamed down on his cheeks, helplessness is what I can see. It was like seeing his naked loneliness, and it's way too unbearable to witness.
"I love her, Haruto." I know he took courage to say those words to him. The way he said it straightforwardly, I know he meant it even though it takes to hurt his own son.
"You love her?! What about my mom?! Don't you love her anymore..." his voice cracked, the way he tilted his head up to supress himself, I know it's too painful for him. I understand...
"Haruto. I love your mom so much—
"So much?! But you can afford to tell me you love that girl?! Dad, get your facts straight, you're not making any sense to me!"
"Haruto. Your mom is gone."
I saw Haruto's expression shifted, he soften, tears just continued streaming down nonstop as he digested those words. I as well broke down hearing that. Gone.
How much it takes to accept that a person is gone...
He shook his head, hopelessly trying to deny his father's words. I bit my lip, didn't afford to held myself from crying.
"Ruto-ya... I know it's painful but your mom is long ago gone. I love her so much that I thought I wouldn't be able to live again. But I need to keep going for you and for your brother. I need strength to keep living and Yuri gave that to me..."
"You don't love her that much! Because if you do, you won't love another woman after her! Your excuse is such a bullshit. I hate you. I despise you."
His words left a cut on my heart. For what reason, I don't want to admit it to myself either.
After that he walked away leaving his dad dumbfounded. I ran after him unconsciously. It's like an instinct although I know it will be painful to be near him now.
The road was dimmed, the light from the mansion is what's made it bearable to walk on without stumbling.
I watched him walking, my heart was about to explode contemplating weather to talk to him or not. I froze when he stopped.
"Stop following me." he said with his cold voice. It sent shivers down my spine knowing to myself that he's angry.
I gulped "Haruto..." I called out for him. He glanced back at me, his tired and weak eyes struck right through my heart leaving such an unbearable heaviness.
"You know about it, right?" he asked, eyes getting teary again. I couldn't bring myself to lie again. I didn't actually lie to him about it but I know to myself I hid it away from him making me feel awfully bad.
I slowly nodded my head, biting my lips. He averted his gaze away from me as he cursed under his breath "Fuck." messing up with his hair, he again tilted his head up to prevent tears to escaped from his eyes.
"All this time you knew but you're fooling the hell out of me?!" he blurted out. I cried not trying to reason out.
"I'm sorry, Haruto..." it was the only thing I can say.
"Sorry?! Sorry for fooling me?" his breathing became heavy, he started broke down in tears as he helplessly faced me with his soaked face.
My feet had its own instinct when I found myself going near him wanting to embrace him in my arms.
"Why?! Why everyone is fooling me?" he cried, his knees melted that he ended up kneeling down on his toes. I kneeled down in front of him crying.
My hands were trembling. I tried to reach out for his hands but he slapped it aggressively, his intense gaze met my eyes.
But I still tried to hold him. Even though I can clearly see in his eyes that he hates me now.
"Haruto. Your dad..." I don't know if I have the rights to tell him my opinion.
"...needs Ms. Kim." I gulped, remembering the way Mr. Watanabe's smile whenever his eyes drift on Ms. Kim, his eyes twinkle, it's smiling.
"I know it's something unbearable for you now—
"Don't tell me you know how unbearable it is, Jeongwoo. You never had a family in the first place, you'll never know."
I froze. My heart started aching hearing it from him. I feel like I was stabbed with those words when it was just the truth. He was right.
His eyes was cold, his ocean eyes became scary when it usually makes me happy. He stared at me blankly, he was never taken aback after telling me those things, he meant it.
He stood up, his head bowed down watching me still on my knees.
"Are you having the guts now after that kiss, Park Jeongwoo? That kiss was nothing to me. And I won't see you the way you see me. I hope you didn't really think it's a possibility for me to like you back. Junghwan owns my heart. And he will own it forever."
He didn't stutter. And I hate that I was ready to hear those things from him ahead of time. I prepared myself.
His back faced me, he was about to walk away again.
"What about me, Haruto? What am I to you? Why... do you need to kiss me if it means nothing to you, because... it means the world to me. You mean the world to me, Haruto!"
I broke down. I haven't had the plan to tell him about my feelings but it came out naturally out of the pain I'm feeling inside my chest. It's too heavy that I need to let it out or I'll suffer on my own.
"You are indeed a lost boy, Park Jeongwoo. I mean the world to you? Just because I found you and gave you a company, you're getting this overwhelmed?" he sarcastically laughed. He found my words funny. I cried staring at him.
"Haruto, I'm not getting overwhelmed... I really do like you. With you everything seems bearable. With you life seems wonderful. You came like a miracle to me and helped me breathe again..."
His eyes were unreadable. I don't know why it's too painful to see nothing in his eyes after I confessed my deeper feelings for him.
I found myself desperately walking towards him. He didn't step back.
I held his hands, tears streaming down my face.
"Haruto. Breathe. Please. You can breathe again, stop holding yourself from living. I'll help you."
He stared at me with his eyes bloodshot, as if he pity me, as he always do.
"You're not Junghwan, Jeongwoo. He is the only person who can lift me up."
He said in his husky and breathy voice.
"I am long ago dead. No one could bring back the life I once had with him nor bring him back to life so that I can finally breathe. And you... could never be Junghwan."
"He's dead, Haruto! He will never come back!"
"He's here! He's always here, in my heart, in my mind, he's here with me." He cried, pain in his voice is what I can feel. I was taken aback I ended up saying those things.
I stepped backwards, ashamed of my own words.
"He might be gone but you'll never have his place here." he pointed in his chest.
"You're nothing compared to him, Park Jeongwoo. Stop considering me a friend and be the usual lost boy that you are."
I literally froze. As pain attacked me in my chest watching him walking away from me without looking back.
I'm nothing. I'm just a lost boy.
I never had a family.
I found myself walking back to the mansion dumbfounded. I feel numb on my chest. It was like I'm just an air passing through by.
My mind went blank together with my senses. I can't afford to think of anything as of the moment. I just know I'm terribly bruised on my heart.
Mrs. Park was still on her red gown, with a glass of red wine in her hand as she plays with its lid with her finger.
"You came back, bastard." she hissed under her breath. I am too weak to get offended by her words, I feel like I just want to lie down on my bed and sleep endlessly.
I saw her amused expression getting no response from me as she went near me with her angry expression.
I'm a little curious as to why the party ended early than expected but I thought maybe they purposely ended it without actually starting.
I felt her heavy and hard slap on my cheek. I didn't move nor held my face which felt numb right away.
"You slick. You stole eomma and appa's attention away from my own son, the legitimate Park's grandson. How dare you?" her lips pursed into thin line, as her eyes widened because of anger.
I don't know how much pain I can endure. All this time, I really never had someone who fully understands me neither it was Haruto. It made me bitter. It hardens my heart. It actually made me feel no pain anymore because his words were way too heavier than the words I always hear from other people since I was a kid.
It hurts like hell that I want to run away.
I met her eyes burning. I don't care anymore if Mrs. Park is angry or want to beat me up.
She poured me the wine on my face, I accepted it without a stunned reaction.
"Mrs. Park, just kill me." I said simply. I think I'm losing myself. I never talked this way before that I sounded different to myself as well.
"If it will make you happy, beat me up until you feel a sense of satisfaction. Throw me out of this mansion. I can be a lost boy, as I am. Please just tell me to be gone, I will."
I bowed my head, my feet found its way upstairs as I saw Mrs. Park's eyes staring at me until I fade away in front of her.
The moment I closed my door, I found myself melting down behind. Staring at the darkness of my room. I slowly felt my heart started aching.
This is much more bearable. I could deal with my heart squeezing tightly inside more than his words.
Why life seems so unfair to me. I just want to live. But it keeps preventing me to be happy.
I started crying silently. They say it's more painful to cry without letting out a sob, and it feels like a torture. It actually is painful.
I covered up my mouth with my hands trying not to make a noise. This day is miserable. I am miserable.
I hopelessly held on my chest when it started aching way more severe than it usually does. My mouth left open, catching my breath as I found myself bending down the floor.
What's happening with my heart...
Seconds faded and my eyes invaded by darkness.
;
"He needs to take a rest. And he needs to avoid getting too excited or feel extreme emotions because it's bad for his heart."
The moment I opened my eyes, blur is what I can see, I needed to wait seconds to see the people watching over me clearly.
Jihoon. Jae. Mrs. Yoon. Mrs. Park and Dr. Seo, our family doctor.
"Jeongwoo, are you feeling okay now?" Jae came beside my bed right after he saw me looking at them. My eyes were still tired and I can feel my eyelids closing.
I just slowly nodded my head. Weak like a dying vegetable.
"Jeongwoo-ya," I saw Dr. Seo came near me and held my hand. He is my dad's best friend.
"You need to look out for yourself, okay? You need to be healthy. You're too young to be sick. If ever you feel your heart aching, call me. I'll leave some reminders and medicines you need to take on regular time." he bent down his knees, as he patted my head, a comforting smile lingered across his face.
"You're doing good. You know how to deal with it by yourself. But I'll appreciate if you'll see me time to time so we can check on your health. Okay?" he asked. He looked back at Mrs. Park who's eyes were swollen. For what reason, I have no idea.
I saw her avoiding my gaze but I saw tears escaped from her eyes.
"Your grandparents are coming to see you." Dr. Seo told me after glancing back at me.
He excused himself and talked with Mrs. Park outside my room.
Mrs. Yoon and Jae worriedly stared at me, both crying. I gave them a weak smile.
"Stop crying, Mrs. Yoon... Jae. I'm already good," I said with my low voice. I have no strength, I feel so drained.
"You always say that." Jae's voice cracked. He is crying watching me. It also made me cry. I feel bad for thinking I have no one when I have him and Mrs. Yoon. Maybe I'm too overwhelmed by someone's presence that it made me forget about them.
"Don't cry! I won't cry anymore so stop crying." Jae panicked. I let out a chuckle as I reached out for his hand which he gently grabbed and held.
I needed a hug. I should have called for Jae last night. But sometimes you know to yourself, you need to face some internal bleeding alone without scarring other people.
And I know among everyone, Jae would love to share my pain willingly, without me being desperate for it.
I felt him hugging me as I heard him sobbing hard on my neck. He must be really worried. I feel guilty. I should have let him call Dr. Seo from the start.
Moments after that, my grandparents came with bunch of baskets filled of fruits.
My grandma held my hand and kissed it. "I'll bring you with me in America, Jeongwoo-ya." she said, he sounded so sure but my eyes widened, I didn't expect it.
"Ma..." I heard Mrs. Park interrupted. She looks stunned by the sudden announcement.
"Please let Jeongwoo stay with us." I never heard Mrs. Park begged. She looks desperate.
"Jeowoo... wanted him to be here with us. He asked me to let him stay here until he's able to do some works in the company."
I looked at her after she said that. I never knew that was the reason why she never dragged me out of the mansion. She hates me... but she granted my father's last wish.
I teared up. I reached out for my grandma's hand hugging it on my cheeks.
"Grandma... I'll come with you when time comes, okay... I promise. For now, I'll stay here." her eyes were sad but I saw her nodding her head as she smiled afterwards.
"Take good care of yourself, my Jeongwoo. You need to be healthy when you come to see me again in America." I smiled, giving her a nod.
My grandparents needed to leave that day, if I agreed to go with them, I won't need to worry about seeing Haruto at the University. But I stayed, not because of him, but because of my father's will.
I looked at my face in the mirror, I'm wearing my uniform again after being unable to attend yesterday's class because of what happened to me I needed to take a whole day rest.
My right cheek was swollen, it's from Mrs. Park's hand, that night she slapped me hard. I feel numb but it's actually not painful anymore.
I'm not nervous to see Haruto. I suddenly feel nothing about seeing him. The pain of his words were still fresh that it was enough for me to get angry at him for awhile.
Maybe I needed to hear those things from him so I'll stop hoping anything.
He don't like me. I should stop.
I held on my bag slung on my shoulder, hugging my books against my chest as I entered the room without looking anywhere, eyes straight on my table.
As usual my classmates asked me how am I and I politely responded to it with "I'm already fine." if that was the truth, I can't be so sure.
The classes start fine. I was able to pull it off, survived not getting distracted by some unusual stares from the back. I'm too drained. He made me drain.
I know I'm desperate to get rid of his presence. It crumbles my heart, it makes me weak, and it's not good for my health nor for me.
"Jeongwoo, can you get me the book from the back, please," Doyoung asked me after Mrs. Choi's discussion. He was talking about the book his friend borrowed from him awhile ago and I hate it's beside Haruto's desk.
But who cares. We're not friends anymore. To him, I'm just the usual lost boy.
I nodded my head as I stood up from my sit and stiffly walked towards the desk, eyeing the book.
The moment my hand landed on the book about to pick it up, I felt his hand latched on my wrist.
I froze. Not because I'm nervous. But because I hated that he acts the opposite of his words.
I didn't glance at him making him let go of my hand.
"What happened to your face?" he asked, his hand held my chin making me face him. I averted my gaze away, making his hand slip.
I hate that I can see the usual worried expression in his eyes. After what happened he acts cool as if he never turned me down and pained me.
I gritted my teeth.
"Sorry but that's not your business at all."
Some of our classmates were already watching so I needed to go back to my desk and pick my bag. I need to get out here.
I am not usually rude... But maybe the pain I can still feel in my heart is what's leading me to be blunt.
I stood still the moment I stepped out of the room. I need to catch some breath.
"Haruto, do you like Jeongwoo?" It was Doyoung's voice. I know the answer but I stayed still, maybe expecting a different respond like a usual fool that I am when it comes to Haruto.
"I don't like him." he let go of those words naturally. He was so sure what to respond.
I have contemplated enough last night about drifting away from Haruto. I found myself walking upstairs the building to see the Class A Department.
I knocked before holding on the door knob and open it slightly to peek if someone is inside. I was glad to see Mrs. Choi looking at the door.
"Are you sure about your decision, Mr. Park Jeongwoo? If you decided to unenroll as a Class A student, you'll never have the opportunity to be part of this department next year." Mrs. Choi told me after telling her I want to go back to Class C.
I nodded my head, determined about my decision.
"Okay then. This chance is such a waste but I respect your decision." I smiled at her as I accepted the brown envelope.
Since that day I never saw Haruto again. If it was planned, it is. And my world slowly changed without him. And I'm glad I stopped seeing him after that day.
I wish not to see him again, if possible. So the pain will halt.
My first love. Watanabe Haruto. He faded away. It was such a short-term sense of belongingness and experience of puppy love.
I lost him without having him at all.
And the rest is history.
hi! present POV was supposed to be on Chapter Fourteen but it will be on Chapter Thirteen already! I hope you'll anticipate the real deal between Haruto & Jeongwoo in the present time! Spoiler: it's the start of their love to bloom. I am also excited to give romantic scenarios since the first chapters were all about the pain of both characters. Thank you for reading! Keep safe always, everyone~ <3 ✨