Okay, Okay. You guys win! Here's another chapter for you all! I cancelled plans for this, you guys! But I wanted to write it as well :D
I wrote this chapter with the help of Sydney, like I do so many times, but this time she helped more than she thinks she does, so she deserves credit for this too! So that's why this chapter is once again dedicated to her! I wouldn't have posted another one today without her help. So thank you :D
<3 Vote, Comment, I love it all!
Tyler's P.O.V:
"Babe, come one, will you please just come inside? You haven't been to a show all week." Austin whined, trying to convince me. I didn't budge from my spot on the couch, I didn't move. I just stared, not at him, but through him. The panic had faded, the depression sunk back in. I was miserable, I was a mess, everyone knew it, but still no one knew why. I was guarding that secret with my life. I tossed out lie after lie - I had a headache, my stomach hurt, it was that time of the month; anything and everything I could think of to cover up the truth, to cover up what had really caused me to act this way.
"No, I'm gonna stay here. I'm sorry, I'm just - I just wanna be alone for a while," I mumbled in response. His eyes were sad. I knew it was killing him to see me this way. He knew I was hiding something, that I wasn't telling the truth, they all did, especially Aaron. He would ask me about it every once in a while, trying to get me to spill the beans, but I didn't; I kept it hidden deep inside, let it rip me apart, but it was better than telling everyone, it was better than having everyone hate me. I couldn't stand that, if that were to happen. I didn't know what I would do.
This wasn't fair, this shouldn't have happened. I should've done something, I should've seen the signs that he was being a little too friendly. Or maybe I was the one being too friendly. He said so himself, he said he 'saw the way I smiled at him.' Maybe it was my fault, maybe I did this to myself, maybe I had it coming to me for the way I acted. That's how everyone would see it, that I had egged him on, that I was the cause of all of this, that I deserved it.
And that's why no one could know.
"Tyler, I'm - I'm worried about you."
"Austin, I'm fine, I just wanna stay here and take a nap or something," I responded, looking away from him.
"That's all you've been doing is sleeping. You're scaring me, baby." I could tell he was worried, it was written all over him. I felt bad, I really did, but he couldn't know. I sat up, and flashed him the best fake smile I could.
"Hey, I'll be okay. Stop worrying, I'm just still not feeling very good. But go do your show, sing your heart out; I'll be here, I'll be fine. I'm just going to take a shower and watch some TV or something, alright. I'll be here when it's over. I'll go to the next show, alright." I was trying my best to sound reassuring; I had gotten good at lying, at faking happiness, at pretending like all was just fine and dandy. It was starting to come naturally, the ability to make something up on the fly.
He walked over and squatted in front of me, grabbing my face in his hands. I tensed a little, still somewhat uncomfortable with the intimate guesture; if he noticed he didn't show it, he didn't let go of my face. I took a deep breath and calmed my nerves; Austin would never hurt me, I know that, that wasn't even what it was about, not at all. "You said that yesterday, you know?" He tried to look me in the eyes, but I wouldn't let him, I couldn't let him see how truly broken I was.
"I know, I'm sorry. Just - just go to your show, okay?" I was pleading with him to leave, I needed to be alone. He let out a deep sigh and leaned in, kissing my forehead, his warm, soft lips lingering there.
"I love you," he whispered, and I nodded my head.
"I know. I love you too." He stood up, giving me one more longing glance before stepping off the bus, the door closing behind him, leaving me all alone, just like I wanted to be, like I deserved to be. Deciding that shower sounded like a good idea, I rose from the couch, and shuffled slowly through the bunk area to the built in shower. I stripped off my clothes and stepped under the warm water, shutting myself into the small, enclosed space. The water fell down my back, rolling down my skin; as I stood there I felt a familiar feeling bubbling up inside me. Before I knew what was happening, the tears began to fall, harder than ever before, for the first time since that day. All of the built up emotion, the sadness, the anguish, the fear....it had reached it's boiling point, it finally needed an escape.
Now that they had sprung loose, there was no stopping them. I thought, I had hoped that crying would make me feel better, that everything that was pent up inside of me would finally be set free, would be able to fade away.
But that wasn't the case. The tears, they made me feel even worse. I felt so alone, so afraid, so lost; I didn't know what to do. I emerged from the shower, the tears not appearing to let up anytime soon. My body was numb, begging for something, anything. The pain in my heart was almost too much to bear. I needed it to go away, I needed it to stop, I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I would give anything for it to just leave.
I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and one of Austin's t-shirts; it was way too big, too long, almost like a dress, but I was hoping that the familiar feel of it, his scent that still clung to the fabric, would help me heal, would help the tears come to a halt.
I began to feel weak from all the crying, my legs shaky, my throat raspy, my head clouded and heavy. I collapsed on the couch, pulling my knees to my chest; I sat there for what felt like forever, bawling to no end, holding myself. I hated myself, I really did. I felt like nothing, like a failure, like a horrible person. It was all my fault. I deserved this.
The bus door swung open, the sound of footsteps approaching rang through my ears. Through glassy eyes I looked up, startled, not expecting anyone to be back so soon, though I really don't know how much time had passed; the show could already be over for all I know.
"Tyler? Oh my God. What's wrong?" It was Aaron, of course it was, he would be the one to come check on me, that's just the type of guy he is, a big teddy bear, always wanting to make sure everyone is okay. He sat next to me, the couch shifting at his added weight. None of them had seen me like this before, I had hid it so well, but there was no stopping the tears this time, there was no more pretending that everything was fine. "Tyler. You have got to tell me what is going on. You can't hide this anymore, it's killing you."
He was right, it was killing me, but I would rather it kill me than make me dead to everyone else. I didn't wanna say anything, I didn't want him to know, but my mind had other plans.
I opened my mouth, to tell him another lie, but this time, the truth managed to weasle it's way out. "I-I...my professor......he - he raped me." I didn't mean to say it, I didn't mean for it to come out, but it did, it slid out of my mouth so quickly I didn't even know what I was doing, what I was saying.
His face dropped, his eyes bugged out of his head, his jaw fell open a tad; just the reaction I didn't want, though what I had I really expected. My body was shaking with sobs; his face transformed with understanding, finally piecing together how weird I had been acting, the fact that I had been shying away from everyone's touch. He reached out, pausing for a moment, contemplating the decision; instead of hugging me he put a hand on my back, rubbing in circles, trying to calm me down. "Tyler, I need you to tell me what happened," he pressed, his voice soft and low, obviously taken aback, not prepared for what I just said.
"He-he called me into his office, and he was acting all weird, too friendly. He told me I had a good voice and that I was special and had a place in the music business, but then - he told me that he thought I was good looking, and I got really uncomfortable and when I tried to leave he wouldn't let me go. He trapped me, and then - and then....." I couldn't finish the sentence; I had barely heard myself as I spoke, I didn't really know what all I had just said, but I knew I couldn't say anymore.
"That fucking bastard, I swear to God-" he paused, standing up, pacing the lounge back and forth, his fists clenched tightly at his side, his body tense. "How could this happen...." He was thinking out loud to himself. He stopped and turned to look at me. "Tyler you have to tell him."
"No!" I responded, shouting loudly, pulling my face from my hands to look at him. "No, Aaron, please. He can't know. He'll hate me."
"No he-"
"Aaron please! I can't lose him, I can't. Just please, don't tell anyone, okay? Please?" I begged with him, pleaded; Austin couldn't know, not yet. I wasn't ready for that. He rubbed at his face with his hands, seemingly wrestling with the option. I looked at him, right into his eyes, asking him not to say anything. He nodded his head hestitantly.
"Okay." That was all he said. "Tyler I'm- I'm so sorry. I can't-" he stopped, not knowing what else to say. "I have to get back to the signing. We'll be back soon, okay, just please- take care of yourself." He flashed me a small smile, and exited the bus just as quick as he had came.
I walked off to the bathroom, eyeing my swollen, puffy face in the mirror. The tears were falling slower now. I had hoped that by telling someone, that by getting it off my chest, I would feel better, I would begin to heal.
But I felt worse than ever now that Aaron knew. I felt disgusting and worthless, and the pain - it was amplified. I rested my hands on the edge of the counter in the small bathroom. My eyes, they spotted something, something that seemed to quiet my mind.
I wasn't really thinking, all I knew was it needed to stop. I grabbed Austin's razor and broke it apart, ripping the plastic until there was only an exposed blade. I held it in my hands, the shiny metal glistening as the overhead light refracted off of it.
I held it to my arm, taking a deep breath, contemplating whether or not to open those old wounds again.
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Austin's P.O.V:
"Aww, I love you too. Of course you can have a picture," I said with a smile, leaning down so I was in the frame as the young girl's friend snapped a picture of the two of us on her phone. "Thank you." I hugged her and she walked off. I looked up to see Aaron making his way towards me; he looked like he was on a mission. His body was tense, his face pale and blank. It worried me. He had disappeared shortly before the signing, and now - he was acting awfully strange. He walked over to me and stopped.
"Can I talk to you for a minute? It's important?" His voice was stern, his eyes full of anger and hate. I furrowed my brow in confusion and apologized to the waiting fan, following him a few feet away where we could speak in private.
"Dude, what's going on? You disappeared and now you're acting really strange," I questioned, staring at him intensely. "Dude?"
"Okay, listen. You know that I don't break trust and I don't go around telling people what someone else told me. But, Austin, this is serious." His face matched his tense words.
"Okayyyy. Aaron, what's wrong?" I was pressing him to finish what he had started.
"It's Tyler." Those two words I wasn't expecting. "I went to the bus to check on her. She's not okay." I crossed my arms over my chest, my heart began to race, my mind wandering to the millions of things that could be wrong with her.
"Aaron-" he cut me off.
"Something happened at school, Austin. And it's a little more complicated than we all thought," he said, responding to my urgency.
"Aaron, will you just tell me what the fuck is going on with Tyler? Will you quit beating around the bush about this? What the hell happened?" I was almost yelling now, most likely attracting unwanted attention, but I didn't care. I needed to know what had happened to her, I needed to know now.
He let out a big sigh, and I glared at him, waiting impatiently for him to continue. "Okay, remember that one professor that she had? The one she always used to talk about? The one who was helping her out...." he trailed off, not saying anything else.
Not that he needed to. I had pieced it together by now. "No." That was all I managed to get out. This couldn't be happening. I was angry. No, I was livid. My body was shaking, my fists clenched tight, my jaw tense. I looked at Aaron; the expression on his face told me it was true. "He fucking raped my Tyler? He hurt her?" I turned and punched the chain link fence behind us. It didn't do any good, the fence didn't budge, but I didn't know what else to do. Aaron shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and nodded, confirming my worst nightmares. "What - How?" I stuttered over my words, having a hard time forming any rational thoughts. "I'm going to kill him. I swear to God, I'm going to kill that motherfucker. He is done." I was pacing now, my feet colliding with the ground with such force I was kicking dirt up in the air. "I have to go," I said sternly, turning and taking a step in the direction of the bus.
Aaron reached out and grabbed my arm, trying to stop me from going any further. "Wait. You need to calm down first. You cannot go in their mad, Austin. She's freaking out. She-"
"She what?" I questioned, my voice booming and angry, as I pulled my arm from his grasp.
"She thinks you are going to hate her. She thinks you're going to leave her." His response broke my heart.
"What?" I lowered my voice. It cracked a little bit. I was shocked, taken aback. Did she really think that? "I couldn't ever hate her; I would never." I tried to relax, to keep my anger hidden. I needed to see her, to hold her, to tell her I loved her. I can't believe someone would do that to her, she didn't deserve it. She was the nicest, sweetest, most beautiful girl I've ever known. It was killing me inside to know that someone would hurt her, but even more so, the fact that she felt like she couldn't tell me, that she actually thought I wouldn't want to be with her anymore, that hurt more than anything.
"I know, man. She just - you need to go talk to her," he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I nodded my head, taking a few more moments to make sure the anger stayed buried deep. I gave him a small smile, and started walking towards the bus. A few fans tried to stop me, but I didn't have time to waste. I apologized to them and took off in a dead sprint, enclosing on the bus quickly.
I opened the door, climbing the steps two at a time, my eyes glancing around the lounge, trying to spot her. I looked in the bunk, the back lounge, she was nowhere to be found. I placed my hands on my head, trying to figure out where she might be when I saw a sliver of light peeking out from underneath the bathroom door. I pulled the door open. I thought what Aaron had told me was my worst nightmare, but I was wrong. This, what I saw when I opened that door, that was it.
Her head jerked over and looked at me, but my gaze remained fixated on the razor blade that was in her hand, the blade that was only centimeters away from her old, faded scars. I forced my eyes to meet hers as a tear escaped from my eye. This was the last thing I ever wanted to see. Her eyes were sad, scared; she looked so broken, so lost, not like the Tyler I knew. "Baby, no....." I trailed off.
I could tell she had been crying, her red, swollen eyes were evidence enough. I cautiously took a step towards her, reaching for the blade. She relinqueshed it, and I set it on the counter, thankful that there wasn't yet a speck of blood to be seen. She looked at me, tears welling in her eyes, my tears falling freely now. Her knees buckled, her legs went weak, and I reached out and grabbed her, pulling her into my arms before she fell limply to the floor. Her cries became audible, her body shaking as she clung tightly to my shirt, her tears wetting the fabric.
I didn't know what to say to her to make this alright; I wanted to take it all away, to rewind time so it never would've happened, but I couldn't do that, she was stuck with it. "Tyler, I'm so so sorry." That was all I could think to say, I couldn't formulate any other words. I picked her up and carried her out of the bathroom, taking a seat on the couch in the back lounge, keeping her on my lap, my arms tight around her. "I wish you would've told me. I wish you wouldn't have kept this from me."
She didn't speak, not for a long time, she only laid in my arms, her face buried in my neck, her sobs slowly quieting to sniffles. "Austin, I couldn't. I was afraid. I feel so - so disgusting, and...I just-I hate myself. It was all my fault; I was nice to him when I shouldn't have been. I'm so sorry, Austin, you deserve better than me." Her words were breaking my heart slowly. Did she really think all of those things were true?
"Ty - look at me." I sat her up so she was forced to meet my gaze. I stroked her cheek softly, wiping away her tears as my own still fell slowly. "This was not your fault. Do you hear me? You did nothing wrong; please don't blame yourself." She tried to look away, but I wouldn't let her. "And there is nothing - nothing - that would make me hate you. I love you so much, and nothing will ever change that. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I wish I could've been there to protect you. But you're safe now, okay? No one will ever hurt you again, I promise. I love you, Tyler. I always will."
"I love you, too. It just hurts so bad, Austin. I just want it to go away," she replied, her voice soft and fragile.
"I know, baby. It will, I'll help you, but this-" I pointed towards her wrist, "what almost happened. Please...promise me it'll never happen again. Promise me that you'll never hurt yourself." I looked deep into her eyes waiting for her response. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her, if she hurt herself. I don't know what I would do.
"Okay. I promise. I'm sorry," she replied, her voice still sad.
"Hey, you have nothing to apologize for here. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. But I am now, and I will be, for the rest of our lives, okay? He can't hurt you anymore," I said, trying to reassure her of that. She nodded and I leaned down, kissing the corner of her mouth lightly. "Come on, let's go to bed." I led her back to our bunk, slipping out of my shoes before climbing in with her, holding her close to me, closer than ever before, not wanting to let go.
"You're always saving me," she mumbled, breaking the silence. I kissed the top of her head, holding her a little tighter.
"That's what I'm here for, baby." I tried not to cry again. I only wish I could've saved her from him, then I never would've had to save her from herself.