New chapter as promised.......not as action packed as the last chapter, but I hope you still like it.
More soon, I promise!!
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Tyler's P.O.V:
I watched the unfamiliar terrain pass by out the window. I had been in this cab for what felt like hours, silence thick around me. It finally halted to a stop at the address I had provided; I tossed the man some cash as he eyed me with concern. He had been doing that the entire ride from the airport; even strangers could tell that something was wrong. I looked like a wreck, my eyes swollen and empty, my face pale, my body fragile. It was a dead giveaway that something was wrong, but no one knew. Nobody knew what had happened to me, what I had been through.
I was a mess on the outside, and on the inside – I was a fucking disaster.
I lugged my suitcase, the small bag that held the only things I had taken the time to pack, and shuffled towards the back of the gated venue. A security guard awaited me, and I flashed him my pass, the one that Austin had mailed to me when the tour began, giving me access to all of the shows. After motioning me through I set my sights on the tour bus, picking it out easily among the others. It was eerily quiet, and I didn’t care for it, I didn’t like silence anymore. When there was nothing to fill the air I was left only with my thoughts, the memories of that day replaying in my mind like a horror film.
They were still fresh in my mind, every little piece, every detail. They wouldn’t go away, I had tried, believe me, but they wouldn’t budge. When I slept, I dreamt about it, I could still feel his hands on my skin, his breath on my neck. And when I was awake, it was all I thought about. There was no escape from it. It was my own personal hell.
After it happened I didn’t know what to do. I hated myself, I still hate myself. I locked myself in my room for three days, telling everyone I was sick.
Even Austin. I couldn’t tell him, I couldn’t tell anyone. I was too ashamed.
So anytime he would call I would keep it brief, telling him I didn’t feel good, that I was just tired. After that third day, though, something snapped, the depression transformed to panic. I realized I couldn’t be there anymore, not in that class, not in that school, not in New York. I needed out of there right away, so that’s exactly what I did. I fed the Dean some bullshit story about a family emergency, something that needed my immediate attention, and after some convincing she obliged and pulled me from my classes. I told Millie the same thing, told her my mom needed someone to take care of her. It didn’t take much convincing on her end. And after calling Sue and quitting my job I packed one suitcase, grabbing only the things I really needed, and arranged for the rest of my things to be shipped back home.
I felt bad lying to everyone, I really did, but they couldn’t know. Lying was my only option.
I didn’t really have a plan, I didn’t know what to do. So here I am, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, knocking on the bus door, waiting for Austin to answer. This probably wasn’t smart, he didn’t know I was coming, but I didn’t know what else to do, where else to go.
The door swung open, and I looked up, meeting the gaze of whoever had answered. “Tyler!” Aaron said enthusiastically. He bounded down the stairs, and I noticeably flinched as he pulled me in for a hug. I didn’t like it, I couldn’t take it, someone touching me; I pulled away quickly, getting a questioning glare from Aaron, but I shrugged it off.
“Tyler’s here?” Austin’s voice rang from deep inside the bus as someone informed him of my unscheduled arrival. The bus shook gently as he walked towards the door, his face lighting up as he saw me. He jumped from the bus to the ground, a huge grin on his lips. “Ty? Baby, what’re you doing here?” His words rolled off his tongue excitedly as he reached me, pulling me into a tight hug. I was still uncomfortable, I didn’t like it, but the familiarity of his arms around me, the scent of his cologne, it was calming, and I hugged him back, practically clinging to him for dear life. He could feel how tense I was, how strange I was acting. “Baby, are you okay?” He questioned softly in my ear. I couldn’t respond, no words would come out. He backed away, looking deep into my eyes, and he could tell, he knew me well enough, he knew I wasn’t okay. “Come here,” he said, grabbing my hand, his other reaching for my suitcase, leading me onto the bus and towards the back lounge, shutting us in, giving us privacy. “Tyler, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” His voice was tense, his face held concern.
I exhaled deeply; my body wanted to cry, but it couldn’t, there were no tears left to be shed. “I left school,” I murmured, my voice barely above a whisper.
My response caught him off guard. He looked stunned, frozen as he stood above me. “What? Why? What happened?” He spit the questions out quickly, taking a seat next to me. He reached out, his hand landing on my bent knee; I tensed at his sudden touch, my leg jerking.
For a moment, for a brief second, I thought about breaking down and telling him the truth, telling him the real reason I had left, but I wasn’t able to. That voice in my head wouldn’t let me, my fear got the best of me. “I just – I just don’t like it there anymore.” My response was horrible, but I hadn’t really given much thought to what I would say to him. I couldn’t give the ‘family emergency’ excuse, Austin was my family.
He furrowed his brow, clearly confused, and he sat back against the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. “What? Since when? Four days ago you were having the time of your life!”
“I wasn’t! I lied, okay!” I yelled, standing from the couch. “I hated it, every minute of it, but I had made such a big deal about going, so much so that it tore us apart. I didn’t want to admit that I was unhappy!” I was weaving myself quite the web of lies. That wasn’t true; I had loved that school, I had been happy, but not anymore. Now it only held horrible memories, and I couldn’t even stand the thought of it. “I’m sorry, okay? I just got tired of pretending, I needed out. So I left; I didn’t know where to go. I wanted to go home, but – I needed you. I’m sorry…” I trailed off, looking towards the floor. That part was true, I did need him.
He stood up and pulled me to him again, and this time I let him without hesitation. “It’s okay, Ty. It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
If only he really knew why he was comforting me.
If only I could believe what he was saying.
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The dream was nothing new. I was used to the terror I had experienced invading my once-peaceful sleep. It wasn’t always the same, most of the time I didn’t know what to expect. He was always there, though, chasing me, cornering me, hurting me. This time he had chased me into an alley, trapped me behind a dumpster where I was hidden from view. My voice was gone, I couldn’t seem to scream for help.
This dream, though, was worse than any of the others. It was different. Just before it happened, before I shut my eyes and waited for it to be over, someone wandered into the alley, getting closer and closer.
It was Austin, I would recognize his towering form anywhere. I started crying, screaming his name, doing everything to get his attention, to get him to help me, to save me. But just like when we were apart, when I used to dream of him, he never heard my pleas. He walked right by, not even looking my way, leaving me with him, leaving me to endure the pain again.
I tried to struggle, tried to escape from his grasp, my body flailing back and forth. “Please, no, not again. Just leave me alone,” I whimpered, my voice loud and strained.
I felt another set of arms around me, holding me tight; I began to squirm even more, trying my best to break free.”Hey, Tyler, stop,” a voice echoed through my mind. I couldn’t place it, I couldn’t figure out who it belonged to or where it was coming from.
“Let me go, please. I won’t tell, I promise, just please don’t, it hurts,” I murmured. The hold on me only tightened, not loosening up at all. He gripped my shoulders and started shaking me.
“Tyler, it’s me. Babe, wake up!” The loud voice broke my dream; my eyes shot open. I could feel a sheath of sweat on my skin, beading down my forehead. “Hey, it’s okay baby. It’s me. You’re alright.” Austin’s face came into view, bringing me back to reality. Looking around I realized I was safe; I was in the bunk where I had fallen asleep, Austin still lying next to me. I struggled to catch my breath as he eyed me. “Bad dream?” He asked compassionately as he stroked my hair.
I nodded, though it wasn’t just a dream. It was my life. “I’m gonna get a glass of water,” I mumbled. He gave me a weak, sleepy grin, and leaned down, pressing his soft lips to my cheek.
I stepped out of the bunk and crept quietly towards the front lounge, trying not to wake the guys. Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge I glanced at the time flashing on the microwave – 3:40 am. I groaned and collapsed on the couch, burying my face in my hands. “You okay?” I jumped, startled, and looked up to see Aaron on the couch across from me.
“Jeez! I didn’t even see you there,” I replied, holding my hand over my chest as my heart beat rapidly. We sat there for a while, neither one of us speaking, though I could tell he wanted to say something.
“What’s going on, Tyler?” He finally questioned.
“Nothing. I just don’t feel good.” I had been sticking to that story all evening, giving that as the reason I was quiet, why I hadn’t gone to the show tonight. He was skeptical of my response, it was written all over his face. “Tyler – we all know you better than you think we do, and I know that’s a load of crap. I don’t know what happened, why you are acting so strange, but I know you’re not fine. Whatever it is, whatever you feel like you can’t tell Austin, it’s not as bad as you think. When you’re ready to talk, if you still feel like you can’t talk to him, I’m here, okay?”
It was at this point I would normally cry and breakdown, but the tears refused to fall. I was too numb, too empty. I just nodded my head at his words. He looked like he wanted to press it further, but he didn’t, he changed his mind, rising from the couch and giving me a sad smile before disappearing to his bunk.
I appreciated Aaron’s offer, but he had no idea. It was bad, it was horrible. It would be so much easier if I told them that I had been raped. But I couldn’t tell. I was too ashamed. They would look at me differently, treat me differently.
What if Austin would hate me? What if he would be disgusted with me like I was with myself? I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t lose him. He was all I had.
Pulling the blanket from the back of the couch I wrapped myself in it, curling up into a ball.
No one could know. It was better to let it eat away at my insides until I was nothing, just like I felt.