thank you so much for all of the votes and comments. please keep them coming! your engagement is super helpful in more ways than one and i am so grateful for each and every one of you. all my love ❤️
~***~
Having a Friday out of the car was always a peculiar feeling. On the one hand, it was a relief to get a little break to really plan the rest of the sessions, however on the other, it is usually better to get the weekend over and done with when it's supposed to be tough work. The break can lead to overthinking and doubts. At a circuit that requires full focus all of the time or else you'd run into the barriers, I know how I'd prefer the racing to be planned out. A positive from this is that I get to enjoy the Formula Two racing.
My former team, ART Grand Prix, welcomed me back into their area of the paddock to watch the F2 feature race. I had great company - Kudzai had finally arrived in Monaco, as had Marcus, and Damien had some time before he needed to work. The original quartet was reunited again at last. Murray, who Marcus had brought with him, had the run of Max's apartment, who was also watching him for me before I could get home. Little Libby was being looked after by Esteban's parents to give Kudzai a break so she could meet us all in peace.
I was relieved that none of them brought attention to the plaster on my finger. I had greatly considered taking it off, however wearing it made me feel... better. It was a hard emotion to describe. A part of me wanted to tell them all about my engagement, but I was restrained form doing so by my fear of judgement. These people mean the most to me so I would hate to think of how gutted I'd feel if they weren't onboard with it all. When I'm in a better headspace mentally, I promised myself that I'd finally tell them, that's as long as none of the people who know accidentally let it slip. Marcus was the person's judgement I feared the most given his not-so-subtle dislike for the Dutchman. It was evident when he dropped Murray off this morning at Max's apartment - the pair exchanged no more than four sentences between each other.
Unfortunately, there's only so much free time you can have when you're an F1 driver. Duty called and I was forced to return to the less exhilarating part of my job, which was autograph sessions and engagement with others. I had been forcing a smile for so long that by the end of the day my cheeks were sore and I felt completely drained. It wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't already promised to go to Lewis's for dinner. I didn't feel up for it, but I knew I couldn't let him down. I knew I could confide in him as a teammate and friend without judgement or being coddles, like how Max would almost certainly react.
It took me a little under two hours to get ready, including the time it took to fuss over a needy Murray and to wash, dry and style my hair. The muggy conditions did not favour my hair in the slightest and, to minimise frizz, I spent almost an hour straightening the full lengths of my brown hair. I decided on wearing a little black dress, a favourite staple piece from Michael Kors that they kindly gifted in exchange for promotion. The straps were thin, and the bottom of the dress ended a couple of inches above my fingers (when they were rested by my side). I wanted to spend time in dressing up to try and make me feel better.
Max snapped a few pictures for my Instagram upon my request. I hadn't been spending a lot of time on social media just because I wasn't in the best of places mentally and I didn't want to make myself worse. I hadn't given a personal update since the news on my endometriosis, and I felt a duty to keep those who have supported me through thick and thin updated throughout.
***
Liked by maxverstappen1 and 1,701,988 others
alyssaarcher Imma be really real for a quick moment - the past couple of weeks have been some of the most challenging I've faced in a while. It really has been a test. I've learned a few things because of life's challenges: to never take anything for granted; to be thankful for everything that I have; to enjoy every moment that I can; the importance of taking time to reflect and grow as a person.
Tonight, I'm taking some time to surround myself with some of those who have helped shape me into the person I am today. Sometimes it's nice to just dress up for an evening and pretend like everything is completely normal and okay (thank you MK for the dress, as always). My last moment of peace before the hectic Monaco weekend resumes. @lewishamilton - I hope Roscoe has had his claws trimmed or else you will be paying for a new pair of tights when he inevitably rips the ones I'm wearing.
📸 : @maxverstappen1
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maxverstappen1 wow what an amazing picture i wonder who took it
| alyssaarcher eh some rando, forced me to give photo cred as well because he needs the attention
| maxverstappen1 i've heard from a reliable source that he was very handsome 😏
| alyssaarcher that source is as reliable as his engines (not very) x
| maxverstappen1 💔
archer70_fan !!! confirm the dating rumours !!!
| alyssaarcher !!! no !!!
| maxverstappen1 i can say with 100% honesty that @alyssaarcher and i are not dating
lewishamilton 😬
| alyssaarcher you better pay up hun x
| lewishamilton he hasn't ripped them yet! i'm hosting you for dinner and offering you some quality advice, what more do you want?!?
| alyssaarcher some new tights when roscoe rips them, can't you read?
| lewishamilton i'm going to poison your food
| alyssaarcher thank you ❤️
landonorris i think your straps are falling down x
| alyssaarcher wow thank you hun i didn't notice x
mercedesamgf1 ❤️
| alyssaarcher ❤️
***
I pressed a kiss to Max's cheek and smoothed the fluff atop of Murray's head before leaving. If Max were to have it his way, he'd be driving me to Lewis's apartment. I had to remind him that Lewis didn't live a very long walk away and that it was still light out when I was leaving. There was no point in arguing when he told me that he'd, at the very least, walk me back.
One regret I had was not changing the plaster on my finger. I had made the unwise decision to leave it on during my shower and the adhesive was slowly failing. If it wasn't for my clenched fists, the plaster would fall off easily. It wasn't too big of a deal; I had plans to tell Lewis about my engagement anyway.
"It's about time," Lewis teasingly called when I came into view. His wheelchair was resting against the entrance of his apartment building, him dressed in a smart black button up that was tucked into some grey trousers. The top few buttons of his shirt were undone, and his sleeves were rolled up to the elbow. He looked very handsome. I couldn't help the smile that found it's way onto my face when I saw him.
"Sorry," I apologised, hurrying up the stairs as best I could in my heels so that I could bend into his embrace. "These are new shoes and I didn't realise how hard it was to walk in them. You smell nice," I added without thinking when I inhaled his aromatic cologne.
Lewis let out a laugh. "Thanks," he deeply inhaled near my neck and his face lit up in a smile, "you smell nice, too. A hint of Max, though."
"That's because I'm staying with him," I said with an innocent shrug. I wanted to ease Lewis into the idea that Max and I were together again rather than springing the news of our engagement onto him.
"Oh?" Lewis raised an eyebrow and the corner of his lips tugged upwards into a smirk as he led me into the building. My heels clicked against the tiled floor until we stopped at the entrance to the lift. I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth, thankful that the colour on them was non-transferable and required scrubbing to get it off. I stayed silent, hoping he'd start to connect the dots. "Ooh! On an unrelated note to your," he leaned closer and dropped his voice, "love life," he then returned to normal, "I hope you don't mind but Daniel and Sebastian are also having dinner with us. I know you guys all get on well, and this is the only night you guys are all free until you're consuming yourselves with the next race weekend."
My stomach dropped and my heart tugged. I wasn't mad about Lewis inviting others because he had every right to, but I didn't know whether I wanted to tell either Seb or Dan about what happened to me. I know they'll be caring and supportive about the events of Canada, however this isn't exactly the news I want to be telling everyone. It was extremely personal and I was still struggling to wrap my head around it all.
"Great!" I forced a smile and squeezed Lewis's hand in reassurance. "I haven't had a chance to see them in a while. It'll be nice to catch up."
"You sure?" He asked, keeping a hold of my right hand as we stepped into the lift. He quickly swiped his key card and his floor number before the lift started moving up. I knew Lew had the penthouse apartment, and that it took up an entire floor of the building.
"Yeah, of course."
We rode the lift in silence, the only sound coming from the whir of mechanisms that pulled us slowly up towards the top floor. I didn't let go of Lewis's hand for the entirety of the journey. It may have only been a small gesture, but it felt as if it was the only thing stopping me from losing it. I only let go when we finally entered Lewis's apartment and he needed both of his hands to manoeuvre his wheelchair.
The walls stretched upwards towards the ceiling, where exposed lights hung strategically to illuminate the open room. I've always loved Lewis's luxurious apartment. His furniture was all very modern, with the occasional pop of colour to reflect his personality. The best thing in the house by far bounded off of the sofa upon hearing us enter. Roscoe was running at such a speed that it wasn't a surprise when he failed to stop in time before reaching Lewis and I. I let out an exclamation of amusement when his very hard skull collided with my shin, almost taking me out.
Whilst I was crouched giving fusses to Lewis's dog, a voice called out from the living area. "It's about time you finally showed up!" The Aussie exclaimed. "We've been waiting for absolutely ages."
"Shut up! I'm only ten minutes late," I replied, my brow furrowing. Daniel approached with a wide grin on his face, closely followed by Sebastian Vettel.
Seb tutted. "Leading the championship is changing her. Look, she's getting the attitude already."
"Oh, ha ha," I sarcastically laughed, "you're hilarious."
"She gets it from you, Lewis," Seb added, having to dodge a smack from the Brit. "Maybe it's just a trend amongst the Mercedes drivers."
I flashed Seb an innocent smile. "Just like it's a trend for Ferrari to fuck up?" Rolling my eyes, I returned to an upright position against Roscoe's whines for more attention. Daniel was quick to pull me into a short embrace and kiss my cheek despite his previous teasing, followed by Seb with identical actions. They each gave me their compliments about my appearance, which I politely returned. I think it's impossible for either of them to ever look bad, except maybe when they're sleeping.
"So," Daniel began once we had returned to the living area of Lewis's apartment. The food still had another fifteen minutes until it was fully cooked and ready to be served. "Miss Mercedes? We're going to have to be calling you by a different name soon, huh."
"I'm not changing teams, Dan," I told him steadily. I shuffled in my seat, switching the leg that was crossed over the other as I watched him carefully.
"That's not what I meant." The cheeky smile on his face didn't make me feel any better. I watched as Dan's eyes flickered down to my hand, which he nodded at not-so-subtly. A quick glance was all I needed to know that the plaster was no longer on my finger and the diamond ring was sparkling under the lights. As quickly as I could, I adjusted my hands so that I was shielding my left one in my right. My heart pounded in my chest as the nerves grew.
Seb looked between us, his brow furrowed in confusion. "Care to share?" Lewis didn't seem to have any clue, either, and nodded his head in agreement to Seb.
"There's nothing to share," I carefully spoke.
"Aw, c'mon, Lys! Max told me already so you don't need to hide it."
"Hide what?" Seb queried, his head tilting to the side as he stared at me. "Are you and Max together again? I'm confused."
I swallowed hard and glared at Dan, hoping he'd catch on that this wasn't the time to be telling people, however he seemed innocently oblivious. The thumping of my heart could be heard in my ears as my hands clenched into fists and then quickly unclenched repeatedly. My stomach felt like it was turning and I hadn't even eaten anything yet. It's not that I don't want to tell them, but I would much prefer to have Max here with me to announce it. He did tell Dan without me knowing, or maybe Dan figured it out for himself like he did with 'A'?
"You're not wearing the plaster, Lys, it's not like you made an attempt to hide it," Dan pointed out.
I pulled my lips to the side. "It must've fallen off."
"Plaster?" Lewis's brows were tightly knitted, however they suddenly raised as his eyes widened. "Oh my God, is this about your finger? You had a..." he must've connected the dots as a gasp of surprise escaped through his parted lips, "oh my fucking God! Why didn't you tell me?"
"Tell you what?" Seb asked, frantically looking between us for answers. "What is going on?"
It definitely felt like there was no escaping this situation without anyone knowing. With my left hand, I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes, not wanting to see their expressions as I flashed them the ring. My hand was trembling slightly from the sudden surge of emotions I was having. I hadn't experienced anything like it in a while so I wasn't too sure how to handle it all. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Both Lewis and Daniel were grinning like madmen, whereas Seb sat there with an unchanged expression of confusion on his face. It took Daniel leaning over and whispering that I was engaged into his before he understood.
"You're engaged?!?" Seb stood up, his arms spread in a frenzy. "How long? Who to? Why?"
I nervously chuckled and folded my right hand back over my left in my lap. "Max proposed last week."
"And you said yes?"
"No, I just took the ring," I sarcastically replied with a roll of my eyes. "Of course I said yes."
"I didn't even know you were together... this is incredible!" As Seb's expression shifted to match the elation of Dan and Lewis, a wave of relief washed over me - they were all cool with it. "Congratulations!" Seb opened his arms for me to step into, which I wasted no time in doing so. "If you ever need any advice about it all, you can come to me, okay? I know a thing or two about marriage and it really is the greatest journey."
"Thanks, Seb. It really means a lot."
"So," Dan interrupted, "obviously we're all extremely happy for you, but why? He didn't knock you up, did he?"
His words felt like a punch to the stomach as all the air seemed to be knocked out of me. I cleared my throat, covering it up with a laugh forced from my aching lungs. Once again, I was aware of the wound on my abdomen, the healing skin lightly rubbing against the satin material of my dress. "No, of course not. I would never be that irresponsible." It hurt me to lie, but this was something I knew Max wouldn't tell anybody without consulting me first. Every single day, something or someone reminds me of what could have been if the pregnancy hadn't been ectopic. I wouldn't be feeling so lost right now, and I would probably still have my love for racing. I hated that I felt guilty for something that was out of my control.
"As long as you're happy," Lewis said, reaching up his hand to squeeze my own. "C'mon, let's celebrate with some good food!"
***
I wasn't surprised to learn that Lewis had Angela helping cook the meal, but finding Lizzie in the kitchen, too, definitely wasn't something I was suspecting. At least I didn't need to fill her in on what I was eating because she was the one preparing it, and I knew with eighty percent certainty that the food wasn't poisoned. The six of us dined together at Lewis's large table, with Roscoe patiently sitting at my feet as I was the most likely to slip him bits of my food. My appetite was lost after Dan's innocent question and I wanted to talk to Lewis as soon as I could. The heavy feeling didn't want to leave no matter how many jokes were cracked at the table.
"You okay?" Lewis asked. The dinner had ended not too long ago and Sebastian and Daniel had already left to go back to their apartments. Susie and Angela were taking Roscoe on a walk for Lewis, but would be leaving once they had returned him. It was a little before half nine, and I had told Max to pick me up at ten. Until then, I was helping Lewis out by tidying up.
Dropping the half-cleaned plate back into the soapy water, I turned to Lewis. I swallowed hard and bit the edges of my tongue with my teeth as I pulled the rubber gloves from my hands. "No, not really."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's so much to unpack, I-" I let out a sigh and gently squeezed the bridge of my nose with my middle fingers, "I don't know where to start. Could you?" I asked, hopeful. "I mean, how's your recovery going? Are there any updates on when you'll be back in the car?"
Lewis wet his lips with his tongue. "There's not much to say, unfortunately. For some reason, my injury isn't healing at the expected rate so it's looking more likely that the earliest I'll return is after the summer break." I'm sure my gutted expression was identical to the one he was wearing. "I'm working as hard as I can to return before then, but I need to be honest with myself and set realistic goals. I wanted to tell you before I let the fans know, which should be sometime next week."
"I'm really sorry, Lew. I know how much you love racing."
"I'm coping better than I thought I would," he said honestly, offering a ghost of a smile. "I don't really need this chair anymore, so that's good news, but it's more comfortable than putting any additional pressure on my back when walking. Anyways, Mercedes is in good hands at the moment with you. I trust you to carry the team to victory again this ye... hey, what's wrong?"
My eyes were glossing with tears and I knew that I was going to disappoint him with what I wanted to tell him. I fought hard to swallow the lump in my throat and control my shaky breathing. Lewis reached up a hand and took my own in his, concern lacing the features of his face. My other hand was playing with the hem of my dress, running the satin material through my trembling fingers. I opened my mouth to reply but only a weak exhale of air escaped.
"Why don't you start at the beginning? It might help."
And so I did. Lewis sat patiently through my tears as I struggled to finish painful sentences. He listen carefully to every word I had to say as I opened up about the real reason for the hospital visit in Canada, how I've been struggling with nightmares and self-doubt ever since then, my sudden lack of motivation for my job, and my fears that I'll never be able to move on. My chest was burning with sobs as I let it all out. I couldn't turn down the hug Lewis offered, my arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders to support my shaking body.
"I don't know what to do with myself," I confessed, voice hoarse and raw from all of the crying. "How am I supposed to perform well every race weekend when I have no passion for it? I have no passion for anything anymore and I hate it."
"Lys, you really should let Toto know. He might be able to help y-"
I lightly shook my head and returned to an upright position. "I don't want any special treatment. If I tell him, he'd be so disappointed. I don't want him to think that I'm letting him or the team down after they've already done so much for my career. I owe him and Susie more than I own and I can't do that to them."
"There must be someone who might be able help what you're feeling," Lewis said. "Max?"
"I can't worry him," I sadly replied. "He's giving up so much just to be with me and the last thing I want is for him to feel any sort of blame because he can't help how I am."
"Therapy?"
"Lizzie's in the process of fitting therapy into my schedule," I told him ."I really hope it doesn't have an impact on my performance..."
"If you lose your love for the sport, your results will surely start to show it."
I sighed. "Yes, I'm well aware, Lew. I really need this feeling, or lack thereof, to pass quickly because I don't think I'm going to last long in the sport otherwise. I'd disappoint so many of the people who look up to me for inspiration and I don't know how I'm going to cope with the weight of that on my shoulders for the rest of my life."
"You can call me whenever you need, okay?" Lewis brought my hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss. "Whether it's the middle of the night, or during a busy day, I'll try my best to answer your calls. You can count on me."
"Thank you," I tried to say, but my voice cracked with emotion and only a whisper escaped me.
My phone buzzed on the counter. Before checking it, I glanced to the large clock on the wall above the sink to see the bigger hand slightly past the twelve, whilst the smaller had started to inch past the ten. I knew it would be Max saying that he was here, and a quick look at the glowing screen confirmed that he was waiting downstairs.
"Does it look like I've been crying?" I asked Lewis, however I already knew the answer. My waterproof mascara had recently ran out so I'd risked it with a standard one. With the amount of water that escaped my eyes, I'm sure I have black smudges down my cheeks . My foundation was probably patchy, too, exposing my blotchy skin irritated by my tears. Crying was never glamorous.
Lewis's nose scrunched up. "Just a little... or a lot. I'm sorry I don't have any makeup wipes so I guess just be thankful it's dark outside," he added with a short chuckle. "C'mon, I'll escort you down to the lobby."
The silence that we travelled in wasn't uncomfortable in the slightest. Like what he had done on the journey up, Lewis held my hand in his for the lift back down. He would occasionally squeeze, and I would squeeze back. I wish I could've stayed at his for longer but I had a relatively early start tomorrow in order to prep for the final practice session and qualifying. Although I wasn't leaving feeling how I hoped I would (with my drive and love for racing returning), I was thankful to know that I could rely on Lewis whenever I need it. I'd probably only take him on the offer when I really need it to avoid potentially annoying him.
Max's face in the empty lobby was the first thing I saw when the lift doors opened. He took one look at me and smiled sadly. "Oh, schatje."
"I'm okay," I told him before he could even ask the question. "We just had a lot to talk about."
"I don't doubt you did," Max said as I stepped into his embrace. It only lasted a few short moments before Max reached into the pocket of his jacket. I watched in confusion as he pulled out a small pack of makeup wipes. "I knew you weren't wearing the waterproof eye stuff so I thought you could probably do with these."
My heart swelled with love as I took them from him gratefully. "Oh, thank you." As I hastily used one of the wipes to remove the mess of makeup on my face, relying on my reflection in the shiny tiles to see if I'd gotten most of it off, Max and Lewis had a quick chat. I heard Lewis mention summer break and knew that he was probably updating Max on his recovery.
"Congratulations on the engagement!" Lewis gently nudged Max with his hand as I approached. "Had to find out from Dan, but I'm happy for you guys. I know you'll treat my teammate well because I know a guy who can make your life hell if you don't."
Max laughed. "I wouldn't dare do anything to hurt her again, don't worry. I'm not ever letting her go."
I linked my arm with Max's as the chill from the open lobby doors made me shiver. "You better not, Verstappen."
"I also probably should've told you about Dan," Max said as he but his bottom lip, "I'm sorry, but I just got so excited. He's the only one I told, don't worry, but my sister will be here for the race this weekend and she'll probably want to know what's going on between us."
"No, it's fine, don't worry," I reassured. "Seb also knows about our engagement."
"How'd he react?"
"He seemed really happy for me," I replied honestly, thankful for Lewis nodding in agreement to reassure the Dutchman.
Max exhaled in relief. "That's good. I never know whether he likes me or not."
"Thank you for having me over, Lew," I told my teammate after a moment's silence.
"You're welcome whenever," he replied with a wide smile. "I'd get going, if I were you. The weather isn't looking too great." Lewis looked beyond Max and I to the open Lobby doors. I followed his gaze to see the trees outside whipping around in the wind. It felt as if it was about to rain with the change in atmosphere.
I was about to agree but Max let go of my arm. Before I could protest, Max had slipped off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders. He was only wearing a t-shirt underneath so I felt bad, but not too bad because I was grateful for the warm fabric. I inhaled deeply, enjoying his smell, and tightened my grip on his jacket. "Thanks, Max. I love you."
"I love you, too, schatje," he said, pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "C'mon let's go before the rain starts or I'll be taking back my jacket."
~***~
*not edited*
ugly chapter, i know. it's ended badly, too, but that's not much of a surprise anymore. it's almost 5000 words though, so, at least there's that as a positive.
seb to aston martin for 2021 has made my month i'm so happy he's not retiring. ofc i'm disappointed for checo, who fully deserves a drive next season with his talent, but we're all seb vettel fans at the end of the day. even if you say you're not, you are. trust me.
next chapter will be fp3 and qualifying, which is always exciting. after monza's amazing mess, i'm replanning some future races to better suit this as i will be using it for inspiration (how could i not?)
let me know your thoughts as always! the questionnaire can still be found on my profile (you might need to scroll a bit for the link, or it can be found as my website) so if you haven't filled it out, i would be greatly appreciative. or, send me a dm. love to chat to you guys.
do you want lys and max to last? i've said multiple times that this book isn't a fanfic about any specific driver so who knows what i'm going to do ;)
qotc: confess something
atop: i can't actually drive lmao i've tricked you all