Izzy's POV
After that night, Mike and I were in limbo. I couldn't really talk to him without feeling this disgustingly uncomfortable pit in my stomach, and now he didn't want to push it again. I shouldn't have done anything, and now that Ash and Sophie knew it felt like the whole world did. I begged them not to tell Calum, out of fear that he would run right to Luke, and they understood completely.
I went back home and told my mom everything, and she let me cry about Luke one last time. I gave it to myself, but after I wiped my face dry, I made a promise that I'd never let myself cry over him again. I was just glad that the semester was pretty much over, and that I wouldn't have to go back to visit them until the beginning of January when I moved in too. I got texts from Mike almost every day, and I tried to answer him but it would end up turning into sending a couple replies and leaving him on read.
I spent my birthday and Christmas with my mom, and we kept ourselves busy between those and New Year's. I spent the holidays at home for the first time in over five years, and it was amazing. We got a Christmas tree and decorated it together, and for my birthday we did exactly what I had suggested. We got an Uber to a bar and got drinks together, and when we got home we raided the kitchen and ate on the couch watching movies.
I was packing up all the stuff I needed to go back to campus, since I was leaving tomorrow. Move in day was the Saturday before classes started, so this whole week I got together all the things for my dorm and saved the clothing and miscellaneous things for today. My mom was at work until 5, but when she got home she helped me finish packing. She took me to dinner one last time before the semester started, and once we got home I had to go right to bed so I could make it to school by 10 in the morning.
I was ready to jump back into the real world and school work, but I couldn't shake the nervousness I still felt. I was hoping to feel better about it come morning, but when I woke up even more anxious I ended up taking my meds. There wasn't much else I could do, so I had coffee with my mom for a while before I had to say good bye.
She'd been my rock the last six months, and leaving her was the hardest part. I could already see myself calling her constantly, ranting about anything and everything just so I could hear her voice. I wouldn't have her shoulder to lean on when I was on campus, and I knew I was definitely going to need it since I was being thrown back into the group fully.
The whole drive there was a blur, since I literally just blasted music and zoned out. By the time I was pulling up in the parking lot it was a little after 10, but I wasn't even worried about moving in a little later than I was supposed to. I took my time bringing all my stuff up and getting it all organized, and I thanked god that I could get a single again. I wouldn't have been able to deal with another person sharing my space.
It took all day for me to set everything up, but everyone else was getting back into their same rooms so they didn't really have to do much. As if right on que, Sophie texted me to ask how progress was coming. I let her know that I had just finished, so she told me to meet them in the dining hall for dinner.
I slid my phone into my pocket and threw my jacket on, walking through the thin layer of snow that covered the sidewalks as it flurried around me. I got a plate and found them all sitting in the corner, and as soon as Sophie saw me her face lit up.
"Howdy, stranger!" She yelled as I was still several feet away.
"Hey." I laughed, watching as everyone turned to look at me. I hadn't seen Calum in over a month since he was MIA the last time I visited, so I put my plate down and went to hug him first. After making the rounds, and exchanging a very awkward hug with Mike, I plopped down into the seat next to Sophie.
"Move in alright?" Ash asked after I got settled.
"Yeah, just had a shit ton of stuff to set up." I said, my eyes slightly rolling. It was honestly horrible moving everything back in by myself, but with loud music I managed to get through it.
"What floor are you on now?" Calum asked, putting his fork down and leaning his elbows on the table.
"Third." I smiled at Sophie, knowing that she was on the same one as me this time around.
"Sick!" She said excitedly. Calum went a little quiet after that, and I wasn't sure exactly why, but I figured it had to do with Luke.
We sat and ate for a while, and even after we finished the food we still talked for a good hour. I had my first class on Tuesday, and after a long discussion about timing lunches throughout the week we came up with a schedule. I was actually excited about learning and doing homework again, and of course when you're excited about something time moves painfully slow before it.
The weekend was filled with more lunches and dinners, and Sophie coming over constantly now that we were on the same floor. There were only two rooms in between us, so 10 steps were all it took. I called my mom to let her know how everything went moving in, and we stayed on the phone for an hour on Monday night. The only reason I had to get off was to go get dinner again with everyone.
"Come on, it's the first party of the semester. You already know we're not letting you skip." Calum told me in the middle of eating, after explaining to us that he found another party.
"It's on Friday?" I asked, just wanting to confirm I heard him right.
"Yeah, it shouldn't even matter though! You're not gonna have homework." He laughed, throwing his hands up.
"I'll clear my insanely tight schedule." I said sarcastically, watching him roll his eyes and smile.
I had been avoiding it all weekend, but I wanted so desperately to ask if Luke was all moved in. No one had mentioned him yet, but they told me before that he was coming back this spring. I didn't necessarily care what he was doing, I just wanted to know for my own sake. As if they read my mind, though, I heard his name get thrown around.
"Nah, Luke's been in his room since Saturday. I doubt he'll come." Calum said to Ash, and I broke out of my thoughts to look between them. At least my question was answered.
"Good." Sophie said, hearing their conversation too. I looked back down at my food and started pushing it around with my fork, trying not to think about him anymore. When I finally glanced back up, Mike was grilling me. When he saw my reaction to them talking about Luke, he jumped out of his seat and walked out of the dining hall.
"What the hell is his problem?" Sophie asked, and I kicked her foot under the table. "Sorry." She whispered, but Calum saw how she leaned into my ear. He watched us for a moment with furrowed eyebrows, but when we dismissed the topic completely he turned back to Ash.
I sat the rest of the time barely saying much, just because I knew the grind was about to begin tomorrow with class. I was honestly exhausted, and by the time I got back to my room it was almost 11. I had the infamous 8 am senior seminar in the morning, and instead of doing bio-med specifically, I picked bio chem. It was going to be a hard course, and I knew I'd have a lot of extra work to do for it, but it was the most interesting class I had taken already.
I laid in my bed for a half hour wide awake, even though I really did want to go to sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about Mike, and how our friendship just went to shit. He stormed out of the dining hall because I was bothered by hearing Luke's name, and I just felt like it wasn't fair for him to hold it against me like this. I fucked up by doing what little we did, but I was paying the price for it.
After I physically couldn't take it anymore, I put my shoes on and went down a floor to his and Ashton's room. It took a minute for Mike to open the door after I knocked, but he stepped to the side to let me in with a straight face. Ashton wasn't inside, so I assumed he was in Sophie's room. I took a seat at his desk and swiveled around to face him while he jumped onto his bed.
"I'm sorry I let this happen." I said quietly, unable to meet his eyes.
"I love you regardless." He told me, and when I finally looked at him he didn't have anger and sadness in his eyes, it was just hope.
"I can't move on with you." I figured being straight forward would be the best way to do this, so I told him with as much compassion as I could.
"Why?" He asked, chuckling like it was ridiculous for me to feel that way.
"Because you were his best friend. And he's never going to forgive you for it." I said, shaking my head at the end.
"If I have to choose, I'm choosing you, Izz." He said, and I closed my eyes and brought my hands to my face.
"That's not what I want." I was starting to get frustrated, but not with him or myself, just in general.
"Then what do you want? Why are you here?" He asked, hurt now taking over his voice.
"To tell you that I want my friend back, Mike! I can't lose both of you!" I raised my voice the slightest bit as he looked away.
"Do you feel the same way or not?" He raised his voice back, sitting up on his bed so he could read my face more clearly. I ran my hands through my hair as I figured out what to say.
"I think about him every day. No matter how I feel it's not fair to you." I said, bringing my voice down. I couldn't break his heart, so I was using every excuse I had to get out of this without coming right out and saying I didn't want to be with him. I knew that in and of itself that was unfair, but I didn't have the heart to say the difficult things.
"When are you going to realize that he didn't give a shit about you? He cheated on you for over a month, Izz! There's no coming back from that!" He threw his hands up in defeat, and he knew saying that would hit a nerve, but he said it anyway. I felt tears welling in my eyes, and when they finally started to fall he got hit with a wave of remorse. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha-"
"Yeah, you shouldn't have." I finished his sentence as I wiped them away and walked out of his room.
I didn't let myself cry when I got back to my room, but it was beyond painful to know Mike was being this selfish. He didn't care what he had to say if he thought it would make me want him, and he was crossing lines left and right. I didn't even get to go to bed until after midnight, so waking up at 7 wasn't ideal.
I trudged over to my dresser after shutting my phone alarm off and dug through it to find something to wear today. Usually I put effort in the first day, but I didn't feel like it this time around. I knew this semester was going to be difficult, so I didn't even bother pretending. With black jeans and a sweatshirt on, I tangled my hair into two French braids and put highlight and mascara on. That was the most I could bring myself to do, and after brushing my teeth and making sure my back pack was good to go I left my room at 7:45.
The snow had accumulated over the last week, so I carefully walked through the thin layer that was left on the shoveled-out sidewalks. It was snowing again today, too, so I knew this winter was going to be a harsh one. I could barely feel my fingers and nose when I finally got into the science building, and I waited for the elevator as I rubbed my hands together to warm up.
This semester was going to be horrible, and as excited as I was before I got here, it all went away after this first weekend. It was hard to be out and about again after isolating for so long, and my personality thrived off of isolation. I wanted to go back home and retreat from all this, but I wanted a degree more. I forced myself down the hall way and tried to convince myself there was hope for it to turn out okay, but when I realized I had gotten off at the wrong floor I nearly hurled my body down the stairs.
By the time I walked into the lecture hall it was 7:55, and I took a seat in the same one I used to sit in the last semester I was here. This was the lecture hall Luke and I always had together, but I pushed the thought out of my head as I got all my stuff out and ready for class.
I kept telling myself everything was fine, and that things weren't going to be as horrible as I was expecting. I actually started to believe it too, until I looked up and saw that tall figure walking in. My heart shattered when I met his eyes, and he stopped dead in his tracks.
Luke.