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~***~
"My surprise?" I queried. For a moment, I had completely forgotten about why I was no longer at Toto and Susie's house. My eyes flicked from Lando's comforting face to my surroundings: we were parked at the end of a long gravel driveway, birch trees were scattered randomly across the grass that wrapped around the small cottage to my left. The walls of the cottage looked to be made out of an almost even amount of stone and mortar, or at least that's what I had observed through the thick growing of emerald green ivy that climbed up towards the thatched roof. Now that the engine was turned off, I could hear the distant cawing of seagulls. I turned my gaze up to the brilliant, clear blue sky where I could see a few birds flying over the house.
I furrowed my brow and turned back to Lando. "Where are we? What are we doing here?"
"We're on the south coast," he replied. His bright eyes flickered behind me but then rested on my face again. He offered me a small smile. "We thought you could do with a break away."
"We?"
"Well, it was mainly Max's idea." Just hearing his name made my heart pound, however this was accompanied by a sinking feeling when Lando nodded his head in the direction of the cottage behind me. I closed my eyes and let out a soft sigh. I just knew that Max would be standing there and I didn't feel ready to face him just yet. I had gone over what I wanted to say to him upon our inevitable reunion however nothing seemed right. There was so much that I needed to say and I simply could not find the words to say it. It's not fair on him to be doing this - I know that. It's just going to hurt us both even more. Why couldn't he have just respected my wishes that I'm not ready for this conversation?
I wet my lips with my tongue before holding them together with my teeth. A few seconds passed us in silence, the two of us sharing an unblinking stare. Eventually, I let out a sigh and dropped my gaze. "I'm not ready for this. Take me back home, please." By home, I meant the Wolff's house in Oxfordshire. It was the place I felt safest at the moment.
"Lys, " Lando frowned and gave me a sympathetic look, "You'll need to talk it out with him sooner or later."
* tw - description of panic attack for five paragraphs*
"I choose later." My heart thumped louder and started to feel close to my throat, it was also getting increasingly difficult to breathe. I was still feeling on edge after the horrible dream I had so it didn't take much to send my body into a panic. No matter how deep the breaths that I took were, my lungs didn't seem to be filling up with enough air and I found myself spiralling into a panic. The trembling started at the tips of my fingers, however quickly shook through my entire body. I could see Lando's lips moving as he presumably tried to calm me down, but any noise was drowned out by a high-pitched ringing in my ear. "I can't do this." Even my own voice sounded distant, like an echo in my mind. I don't know how my numbing lips were able to form the words.
The soft click of the door handle snapped my attention away from Lando. The cool air from the opened door soothed my warming face and filled my lungs with something that felt more breathable. Max crouched down beside me, his shoes crunching the gravel underneath them as he adjusted his position. Only when he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder did I feel the sudden urge to leap into his arms. I knew I shouldn't; I won't be able to calm down like that. The ringing seemed to have stopped, but there was a pressure in my temple in its place.
"Schatje, what's wrong?" Just hearing his voice made my heart lurch with guilt and tears quickly spilled from the corners of my eyes onto my cheeks. Max must've realised that I couldn't get the words out. "Lando?"
"I dunno, mate. It's just suddenly come on," Lando said, his voice shaking with worry. "I-I don't know what to do."
Wordlessly, Max reached across my body and clicked the seatbelt from its hold. I hadn't even realised my hands were gripping the black material tightly until it slipped through my fingers. He hooked a hand around my legs and guided them out of the car, allowing me to take in more of the cool air as the tips of my toes planted on the gravel. I don't know how long I was sat there trying to calm myself down, but Max made sure he kept a hand on me at all times. He knew not to get too close and overcrowd me and even attempted an exercise to get my breathing back under control. Our eyes locked and he urged me to match his even breathing until I could do the same on my own without aid. I haven't felt like this in a while, and I had a dreadful feeling that this wouldn't be the last one of these over the next few weeks. It's been so long that I don't even remember my last one in detail.
I didn't have the energy to protest when Max lead me towards the house. Lando followed at a slight delay, a single suitcase in his hands - my suitcase. The cottage was as cozy on the inside as it looked on the outside, however it had clearly been made to accustom modern features. The kitchen was joined with the living room, which also doubled as the entranceway. There was set of stairs at the far end of the living room, and a glass door in the kitchen that showed the ocean views of the back garden. Whilst Max took the seat next to me on the double sofa, Lando awkwardly hovered by the door.
"Lys, are you going to be okay here?" Lando asked tentatively. I swallowed hard and nodded my head - I doubted I had much of a choice in the matter. Deep down I knew that this needed to be done, however I didn't want to admit it. "I'm sorry."
Shaking my head, I tried to give him a smile. "Don't be."
"I'll leave you to it, then."
A large part of me didn't want Lando to leave because that would leave Max and I alone. I haven't seen him in person since the hospital where I had voiced my opinions about the future of our relationship. I still stuck by it all - I didn't think it was fair on him if this whole thing guilts him into staying with me. It'll break my heart even more. He deserves to be giving the chance to find another relationship before it's too late, one that can give him the future that he wants.
The silence that filled between the two of us spoke louder than any words could. His body language was tense so I presumed this was very difficult for him, too. I watched as the muscle in his temple moved as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. Like Max, I couldn't find anything to say even when I wanted to say so much.
"Did you get my messages?" Max's question caught me off-guard. He seemed to notice my confused face as he continued. "I spoke with Susie pretty much every day, and I told her to let you know that I'll be patient with you. She, uh, told me that you haven't been sleeping well."
I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth and folded my still-trembling hands. "You don't need to worry, Max."
"But I do, because I love you."
Looking down, I swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze. "I'm surprised you don't hate me."
"Hate you?" he asked incredulously. "I could never! Why would you think that?"
"I don't know," I replied with a shrug. I could feel the corners of my eyes burning with a fresh batch of tears but tried to hold it back. "I haven't been the best at dealing with this. I know I should've called you back because I'm not the only one who lost a baby - we both did. I've been the opposite of considerate."
"I won't lie and say that it didn't hurt me, but this isn't about me and never has been. The pain I felt was emotional. You had that as well as the physical pain. How's your stomach doing, by the way?"
Instead of replying, I lifted up my shirt just high enough to reveal the small, healing wound. It still looked pretty grim. Before I could drop my shirt, Max reached out his hand. His fingers felt cold against my warm skin and made goosebumps rise on the surrounding area. My heart fluttered as his rough fingers traced delicate lines across the toned skin. I knew him well enough to know what he was thinking behind his sad smile: our baby could've been in there.
"I can't talk about what happened without wanting to cry," I honestly said, a small sigh escaping through my slightly parted lips.
Max's hand moved from my stomach to my hands, allowing my white shirt to drop back down and cover the wound. His larger ones easily held my own. "That's understandable. Now, c'mon," he stood up, keeping my hand firmly held in his, "the beach is absolutely stunning."
It was. The water was surprisingly as clear as a crystal as it lazily rolled up the golden sand. I only then realised that the cottage was situated in its own small, private bay, and the lack of anyone else made me presume it was private. To large wooden groynes jutted out into the sea on either side of the bay. They were covered in hundreds, if not thousands, of grey barnacle. I had taken my shoes off upon Max's instruction before heading out so could feel the warm sand between my toes. I allowed the hot sun to beam down on my face and closed my eyes in contentment. The wind was a delicate breeze, only strong enough to move the wispy sections of hair that framed my face. Max gave the hand that he kept in his a squeeze, prompting me to look at him once again. He wore a gentle smile.
"It's really beautiful, Max," I whispered, still in awe. I could feel my stress slowly rolling away with every wave that splashed against the shore.
Max brought his lips down to my temple. My body shivered at his touch despite it being warm out. "And it's all ours until tomorrow evening. Just us - no-one else." That did sound perfect.
"So, why all of this?" I queried, gesturing to the cottage behind us and the open space around us. "Why not just wait until I fly to Monaco instead of making the unnecessary journey?"
"I wouldn't call it unnecessary," Max replied with a frown. "I wanted to do something special for you before the busy weekend ahead. I had it all booked a week ago, and all I had to do was get someone to bring you down here because I doubted you'd come willingly."
"Sorry," I dropped my gaze as I mumbled my apology.
"No, don't be. I'd have reacted the same as you did."
"Did Susie tell you how she wants me to see a therapist?" I asked, wanting to change the subject away from the topic that has made me cry many times the past week. When Max scrunched up his face and frowned, I knew that she hadn't. Shaking my head, I continued. "I mean, I know it's a good idea to help ease some of my problems but I don't know where it's going to fit into my schedule. It's not like I can start cancelling things without it going unnoticed. If some people were to find out, they'd assume I'm a danger to the sport."
"I agree that it's a good idea. This past year..." Max trialled off.
I hummed. "The Formula One Instagram kindly reminded me that it's been exactly a year since my Baku crash. It feels like that was the start of a chain reaction of problems."
"You'll come out from this even stronger just like you did then," Max spoke with a lot of confidence and optimism. "With Monaco this weekend, I just knew that you'll be back on form and fighting for the win. You're Alyssa Archer, and I don't know anyone as brave, or as determined, or as strong as you. There's only one - she's going to be the first female world champion." An indescribable emotion washed over me when it felt as if Max was listing off qualities of a version of myself I didn't know anymore. I was fearful, hesitant, and weak. "I'm the luckiest man in the world because I can call you my girlfriend."
I swallowed hard. "Didn't we break up?"
"I decided to just not let you."
"But-"
"But nothing, schatje," Max interrupted. "Of course I'm heartbroken that we're more than likely not going to have kids of our own, but there are other ways of starting a family. I've been doing research! I even took a leaf out of Russell's book and have a whole powerpoint presentation prepared back in the cottage if you even think about protesting again." I smiled weakly in amusement. For the first time in what felt like ages, the tears that were welling in my eyes were not that of sadness, but happiness. "There's IVF, surrogacy, adoption... so many options for if we decide we want kids later on in life. I know you think that breaking up is what's best, but I can assure you it isn't. Please don't be feeling guilty for something that was out of our control. This won't ever make me love you any less, and it's simply impossible to love you more than I currently do."
I gently squeezed his hand back. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders at Max's reassurance. " I never wanted to break up with you, but I just don't see how you could want to stay with me in the long run. The last thing I want is for you to feel stuck with me."
"Stuck with you? You're stuck with me!" His laugh made my stomach swarm with butterflies. "It'll take more than 'breaking up' with me to actually get rid of me," he added, using appropriate air quotations. "As you said, we're in this for the long run."
"I value your happiness over anything else in the world," I told him, moving one of my hands to caress his cheek. His stubble tickled the palm of my hand.
"Even racing?"
I couldn't reply because, right now, my answer would be yes. Instead, I forced a small laugh. It still scared me that I wasn't feeling even remotely excited to get back in the car. I hoped that by the time the weekend roles around, I'll actually be feeling something.
When Max let go of my hand and moved onto the floor, I expected him to pick up something that had dropped without me noticing. My heart felt like it had stopped beating when Max crouched down on one knee in front of me. A small velvet box was clutched in his hand.
"Wha-" I could barely string together a coherent thought so making a sentence was impossible. My bottom lip was dropped in surprise as a warm smile spread across Max's face. Is this happening? Knowing my track record of nightmares, I was waiting for the horrible ending or to wake up in the car still on the car journey to my surprise. This couldn't be real, could it? Obscured by my arm, I gently pinched the skin on the good side of my abdomen and came to the conclusion that this definitely wasn't a dream when a sharp pain shot into my side and I didn't wake up. "Max..."
"I was going to wait until tomorrow's dinner but I never want to let go of you, or risk let going of you, again. A future with you is something I want more than anything in the world. It might not go as planned, but as long as I have you, I know I'll be happy." Max shakily exhaled and cleared his throat as he opened up the small box in his hand. Nestled into the plush cushion was a stunning ring. There was a modest sized diamond sparkling atop of the thin gold band with a smaller one either side. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen in my life and I couldn't quite believe that it was being presented to me. "I know we didn't want to rush our relationship before we knew what we wanted out of it, but I'm certain now more than ever that this is where I want us to go. There's really no-one else I would want to spend eternity with.
"I vow to never let anything come in between our love ever again. I will stay by your side through everything and anything that life throws at us. We have the strength to make it to the ends of the Earth without falling apart because the bonds that hold us together can't ever be broken. If you say yes, I will truly become the happiest man alive.
"So, Alyssa Monet Archer," Max reached up with one hand to hold mine and pressed a kiss to my knuckle, "will you marry me?"
~***~
*edited a little*
so that's my surprise... another cliffhanger!
what is she going to say? yes? no?
let me know your guesses!
getting very close to 500 followers on here which is crazy. thank you all! if you want me to follow you back, all you need to do is ask.
also don't forget, my insta is @aly.f1
same as before, this chapter was written in my notes before transferring over to here because i still don't have wifi. i feel like my writing style changes every other week so i'm sorry if it feels like there are any inconsistencies there. i'm also uploading now because i have a chapter spare and a whole bucket-load of inspiration ready to write more for this book. it's rare so i'm taking what i can.
i will be writing parts of the monaco gp! do you think our girl can finally win one of the toughest tracks on the calendar?
qotc: i want to hear your predictions for this championship (not irl bc that's obvious atm lmao). which driver do you think will win it? which team? where will lys place?
aotc: i have this all planned out already in my notes - if anyone guessed right i'll think of something as a reward idk