Violet 🌺
I've been staring at the ceiling for the longest since I woke up this morning.
I didn't feel like processing anything, infact I just wanted to block out the universe and be light for the day.
It was my birthday and ironically I was dreading this day instead of cherishing it.
My phone kept going off from calls to notifications and as much as I was grateful for the love, my spirit was too low to process happiness right now.
"Where's my birthday baby."
I smiled hearing Cammy enter my room, she gave me a sense of happiness these days cos she always managed to uplift my spirits.
"Right here."
I said pouting as she came over to hug me.
"Happy birthday baby, you know I love you right?"
She asked giving me a much needed hug and I honestly did begin to feel better.
" I know and thank you best, I'm just not as happy as I should be and I hate feeling like this."
I said looking down at my ombre nails, trying not to cry.
"You gonna see him today?" Cammy asked and I nodded.
"Good, I made you breakfast I know that always makes you feel better."
She added as she now went over to open my curtains cos I barely let the light in my room.
"Thank you I'll come out in a minute."
I said forcing a smile.
"I'll come get you if you're not in that kitchen in a minute Vee."
I laughed but I knew she was being serious.
I grabbed my phone after she walked out and finally replied to all the birthday wishes I received. In the process convincing everyone that I didn't wanna do anything, so they settled for gifts.
I smiled as I got out of bed feeling like I finally had control over this day,but my smile dropped just as quickly.
He forgot.
I thought as I stood there feeling sad and stupid all at once.
For the past couple of months Devon has been doing all he can to try and get back with me. He called me everyday, constantly checked up on me, brought me lunch at school and even offered to take me on trips to clear my mind but I rejected all of it and completely pushed him away.
I told him I needed space and I guess he was giving it to me but here I was feeling sad that he didn't acknowledge my birthday.
I'm a mess.
I thought to myself as I walked into the kitchen, everything smelled so good.
Knowing me, I could be depressed and still eat like a pregnant woman. So I filled my plate with everything and started humming as I stuffed my mouth.
"Okay, I see you're doing just fine so I'm gonna head to school okay."
Cammy said laughing as she watched me amusingly.
"Okay, have a great day."
I said looking at her with my mouth full.
"Don't be late for your appointment. I'll see you later."
She said before she left.
I won't, I thought.
It's the one thing I'm looking forward to today.
Finishing up my food, I placed my plate in the sink and went back in the room to take a shower.
I hurried cos I literally had an hour to make it on time and I needed to see him today, I couldn't end off my birthday in bad spirits.
I put on a white and blue floral dress. It honestly wasn't my thing but I just wanted to look happier.
***
"Sorry I'm a little late."
I said as I sat down and relaxed in my seat.
"It's okay. You're excused since it's your birthday. So tell me how you are feeling today."
My therapist Maurice asked giving me a warm smile.
This is why I love it here.
I closed my eyes and manifested my thoughts into words.
"I feel incomplete. This day isn't the happiest and I know it's supposed to be but I'm fighting a loosing battle with myself."
"Okay, can you try to explain why you feel this way."
I exhaled somewhat loudly trying to put my words together.
"Well... I feel incomplete cos I lost the love of my life, actually I chose to loose him. I just feel like I had to choose between him and my sanity."
I opened my eyes and he nodded so I could continue.
"I chose my sanity. And I know you said it's okay to choose my self but I'm not coping. I'm starting to feel like I needed him more then I needed myself you know. Now I'm hurt... cos he didn't wish me a happy birthday but I feel stupid at the same time cos I told him to leave me alone. "
I sniffled as I explained cos I really did miss him but I just couldn't get back with him right now, or could I.
" You know what I'm gonna say next. "
Maurice asked and I laughed cos he knew me so well.
" That it's a good thing to feel every emotion. That the deeper something hurts the more the process heals you."
"Exactly."
He said smiling and putting his pen down.
"I'm starting to think you don't need me anymore."
He added joking and I smiled.
"You are pretty good at this life stuff so I'ma need you a tad bit more. I'm still a mess."
"I'll always be here Vee, for anything you need."
He gave me a serious look that made me feel uncomfortable with him for the first time these couple of months, but I brushed it off and settled for a nod.
"You're beautiful and you deserve to be happy. If you feel Devon can't give you that happiness there are plenty of men willing to give you the world, you know that right."
"I know."
I said plainly.
But I want him.
I thought.
"Are you okay." He asked standing up.
"Yeah I'm alright, can we make it a short session today. I have birthday plans."
I lied, I just wasn't feeling his energy today and I wanted to be alone.
"Of course, behave."
He joked.
"When have I never."
"I'll see you next week then. And remember what I told you, you're too beautiful to be stuck on one guy that hurt you. "
"I'll be here, thank you."
I said before walking out.
The drive home was calm, although I still felt like shit cos this nigga really wasn't gonna wish me a happy birthday.
Yes I'm still not over it.
I connected my phone to the car speaker and played Halo by Beyonce.
I sang along feeling happy as I lived in the lyrics for a bit.
I got home in fifteen minutes exactly and mentally planned to give myself an hours long bubble bath.
Now in my room. I put on my silk robe preparing for a birthday pampering, but of course the doorbell rang.
Can't anything go right today.
I thought as I walked to open the door.
A tall lightskin deliver guy stood at the front door with what I believe is the biggest and prettiest bouquet of white roses ever.
I signed the diverly paper before he handed me the roses and I walked back in smiling hard, as I read the note.
"I just wanted to say I'm grateful for this day cos it gave me my soul mate.
I only want to see you happy so I'm sorry for ever making you hurt.
I love you so much and happy 21'st my love.
Devon. "
"Ag."
I fanned my eyes feeling happy and sad all at once.
Life keeps messing with me and I need it to stop cos, what am I supposed to do now.
***
A/N: I've be MIA guys, life got hectic I'm sorry. I'm updating again today❤️