And I am whatever you say I am, If I wasn't then why would I say I am? In the paper, the news, every day I am, radio won't even play my jam.
'Cause I am whatever you say I am...
'I can't believe the fact that you spent the night at his house, saw him shirtless and nothing ever happened between two of you. You're lying to me, girl!' Diana's serious expression snapped me out of thoughts with a sound of her older sister-like voice that the whole cafe we were sitting in undoubtedly heard. I saw a couple of heads turning into our direction with way too interested looks on their faces. I bet that they would judge me, knowing that I didn't listen carefully to the things my friend was passionately telling me. In fact, they would be very disappointed finding out that I was replaying in my head lyrics from "Marshall Mathers LP" instead of it. But well, they didn't know it.
They also didn't know that the reason we met up was that I missed at least a couple of hundreds of calls from Diana when I forgot my phone in Royce's car. She told me she was worried sick about me so when I got it back, there was no way I could avoid meeting face to face with her the next morning.
I really didn't mind it. Diana was my best friend and even though she had a "specific nature", as Trevor from the publishing used to say, I appreciated her for always being there for me and caring that much to meet me early in the morning for a coffee before work. The only thing was that the previous night I spent a lot of time listening to "Marshall Mathers LP" and obviously, thinking about the night at Marshall's house which didn't help my concentration at all. And if I'd been brave enough, I would have told Diana that I didn't like the path that my thoughts picked. Mostly because even though I had to be only interested in Eminem's music, it happened to be that I was starting to get interested in him. In the most dangerous way possible.
'That's a simple truth' I answered finally, dismissing all my previous thoughts only to come back to them later as the heads of the people in the cafe returned to their conversations and stopped paying attention to us. I made a sip of my iced coffee and grimaced at the sudden too sweet taste in it. Damn, that was not what I needed for the morning.
'I'm disappointed, I have to be honest. When you said on the phone that you spent the night at Eminem's house, I was ready to listen to all the spicy details to it. Why do you have to do me like that?' Diana made a fake resentful look at me, and I couldn't help but chuckle. She was cheering for any kind of interaction between me and Marshall which was absurd as hell but I had no power to prevent her from doing it.
'I've told you millions of times that it's my work. Thinking about things like that is an unnecessary distraction'.
'Don't go all boring Ella on me' she snorted, rolling her eyes. 'I'd rather you told me if he seemed at least interested. I won't believe that he wasn't after the "Right, baby?" situation' Diana licked her cherry-coloured lips in a grin.
'I don't think he was' I said a little nervously. For some reason, I'd been thinking about the same question earlier and that just wasn't a good sign. 'I mean, why would he? All those jokes are just a part of his personality. The moments that may seem weird between us are probably just the way he behaves usually' I told Diana, trying to hide a bitter taste on my tongue with the thoughts I was saying out loud. I just knew that there was no fucking way that Marshall would be "interested". We were not even friendly with each other, taking breaks for some banters or awkward interactions.
'I guess, we'll have to see how things go. Don't rush to the conclusions' Diana's tone had a note of humour in it as if she was teasing me, but the look of her light brown eyes was soft on me to the point of care.
'It doesn't matter, though' I waved my hand as if trying to dispel the topic with a simple gesture. 'I have a date today'.
'You have what?' Diana looked at me wide-eyed, completely forgetting about the cold brew she was drinking just a second ago. I smiled a little, thinking how good it is sometimes to act unpredictably in front of people who's known you for a long time. But well, that was where I had to explain something.
So, when I got my phone back, I realized that Diana wasn't the only one texting me. I had a few missed calls from Jeff, text from Paul who was making sure everything was okay and even one missed call from Trevor which I promised myself to figure out a little bit later. But the most persistent from all of them appeared to be Josh from the music store. Surprisingly?
I had to apologize to him and explain the situation briefly without mentioning Marshall's name so we had a quite good talk the previous evening which in conclusion led to Josh asking me out. And even though I felt kind of hesitant about it at first, thanks to Josh's attempts to convince me and the whole thing with thoughts about Marshall, I finally decided to give it a try. A little date never hurt anybody, right?
So there I was, holding these thoughts back for a while and watching Diana's astonished expression, waiting to speak again.
'I have a date' I repeated with a small smile as if Diana was a foolish child who didn't understand all those "adult" things. I wouldn't lie If I said that sometimes she really was.
'And who is he?' Diana narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously like a prosecutor in front of the defendant. I bet that from the perspective of the strangers in that cafe we seemed a little bit weird with me chuckling and her having that funny look on her face. Thank God we didn't care.
'The guy I told you about from the music store' I sipped my coffee again, forgetting about the unpleasant taste of it.
'Oh, that sweet Josh guy' she snorted at me disappointed with the answer. 'And what are you gonna do? You'll go to a picnic in the park and he will serenade you on his guitar some cheesy indie song with his sweet voice, looking at you with sweet eyes and talking about some sweet shit? Girl, this much sugar will get you diabetes' she brushed her raven hair away from her shoulders with an annoyed look at her face.
'I see you don't really know what indie is all about. He is sweet but it's not like that' I couldn't suppress small laughter at her silly joke. 'He is also very funny and knows a lot about music. Not to mention that he has great looks and so on...' I stumbled to continue, though. Defending Josh had to seem natural but instead, it felt like I wasn't hooked on what I was saying. Damn Diana, that conversation was revealing some blind spots in the perfect picture that I built for that evening. The main blind spot was that I wasn't very excited about it no matter how hard I was trying to hide it from myself.
'Yeah, right, but I don't think that it's for you. I know that you're not someone who has a sweet tooth' Diana pointed at my coffee that I wasn't eager to drink because of the oversweetness in it. Partially, she had a good point.
'It has nothing to do with Josh, though. I think...' I wasn't able to continue as I saw a text on my phone from Marshall. It was almost 9 already so he was supposed to pick me up before the studio as usually.
'Oooh, the devil himself, right?' Diana winked at me playfully, making my face crimson red as if she caught me doing something wrong.
'Sorry, I have to go already. He will pick me up around the corner' I stood up from my spot, typing the answer quickly and trying not to look at my friend. She knew everything that I didn't want to admit myself, and that was the reason I had an urge to escape as soon as possible. However, escaping right to Marshall was like jumping from a big and dangerous flame to another parlous one.
'I wonder, dear, why Josh doesn't make those cute cheeks of yours blush while Mr Marshall Mathers does it with ease, using a neutral text message. Maybe, you'll help me to figure out?' Diana cocked her eyebrow at me with a big smug grin and a giggle in the glance of her light brown eyes. In the morning sun, she could even play the role of your typical girl next door if it wasn't for that grin.
'Oh, shut up' I didn't let my chuckle leave my lips to prove Diana right so I grabbed my stuff quickly and basically, stormed out from the cafe followed by her fruity laugh.
The cafe wasn't that far from my apartment so I had to ask Marshall to go just two blocks away from the routine destination which surprisingly, he agreed to do without arguing. So when I made it to the spot I told him to meet at, I immediately spotted a familiar Cadillac Escalade already waiting for me. Wish me luck?
'Good morning' I greeted quietly, sitting in the car and instantly giving in Marshall's presence, catching a smell of his cologne. After the "Right, baby?" situation, as Diana was kind enough to call it, it felt a little bit weird to be with him alone again, even though at the night at his house it seemed almost normal.
'Hey' he answered casually, giving me a side glance with an unreadable expression. I could swear to God that he was holding back a small smirk, and when he spoke again unexpectedly, I was proved right. 'So, how was the night at your own place after the famous Marshall Mathers hotel?' he asked me as if it was nothing but I caught a smooth tease slipping from his tone. Wow, talking in the car?
'Oh, I spent the whole night crying' I told him in the most serious way possible, stealing a glimpse of his features. That day he was wearing a sports jacket with a white T-shirt underneath it, and I decided not to look at it just in case I would remember his bare chest and make myself even more nervous. Josh, Josh, think about Josh...
'The hell? Why?' Marshall raised his eyebrow at me with a puzzled look on his face, clearly not catching the sarcasm. Oh boy, I loved that.
'Well, I need some time to recover from the service of Marshall Mathers' hotel and accept the fact that my apartment will never be that good of a place' I answered, trying not to smile. It wasn't even close to the amiable interaction I had with other people around him but somehow I was enjoying it a lot more than I should have been. There was this distance between us that could be counted with miles but at the same time it seemed like we could accomplish it with just a reach of a hand, and that was such an intriguing feeling.
'I should've seen that coming' Marshall chuckled lightly, and I felt a pleasant ticklish sensation on my skin. His voice was doing magic to me, and unfortunately, I didn't mind it.
'You should have' I stated, finally giving up my smirk for him to see. For a few moments, we were quiet again, watching the road, but when I turned my head to look his way, Marshall's eyes were already set on me, and he spoke again.
'Royce keeps saying that I owe both of you dinner after that day when I couldn't go' oh yeah, that time when he went to meet Kim. 'So, today he planned one for all of us after work and the bill is on me. What you'll say?' his tone was calm and confident as if he was convinced in my reaction, both hands lazily on the steering wheel. And no matter how hard it was to admit, I had to say he had reasons to act like that. I wanted to go but the date with Josh... Oh no, why exactly that day?
'I'm surprised that you actually agreed on something' I pronounced wryly, avoiding the attentive stare of light blue eyes and somehow managing to avoid the subject. I didn't want to say no just yet but I knew I had to.
'Paul's giving me lectures every day about being friendly to you so that's what I'm doing' he told me nonchalantly, shrugging. Oh yeah, right, that was just because of Paul. How could I think it wasn't?
'If you don't want, then you don't have to. I already got used to you acting all indifferent' I felt my mood going about a few points down and so was my voice. The last thing I needed was Marshall to pretend to be good with me. Just when I started to think we were easier with each other.
'Thanks for saying that because usually, I do whatever the fuck everyone says' a venomous remark left his lips with a gruff tone, and that was when I regretted what I said. Watching his now frowned expression, I wanted to punch myself. That was his weird but genuine gesture to invite me, wasn't it?
'I know you don't' I sighed heavily, adding as much "sorry" to my voice as it was possible because there was no way I could say that aloud. The car suddenly appeared to be too small for two of us.
'Whatever' Marshall stated monotonously, and I wished I could bring that smirk back. 'So, I tell Royce that you don't want to go?' he asked, not giving me a glance. For some reason, it felt like he wasn't asking for Royce or was I making that up?
'No, I want to go' I said softly, torturing the fingers on my right hand. 'I just can't'.
'Why?' was all he asked bluntly. Well, I already learned that he wasn't the one to be delicate at any subject.
'I have a date' I answered slowly, not sure about his reaction.
'A date?' Marshall's eyes all of a sudden found mine, and I could read a light surprise in them which in a moment turned into a scowl. I wondered how his tone remained the same. 'And who is the one?' he continued, returning his glance to the road. Why was he even asking? No, no way.
'Does it matter?' I pronounced nervously, holding my breath for a moment. Oh, who was I kidding? I wanted him to care, at least a bit.
'I guess, no' he mumbled after a small pause, and his face remained serious. I wished Marshall's voice sounded gentler, just like he'd pronounced my name in front of Chelsea that night in the club but I guess, under those circumstances, it was completely random and could never happen again.
'It's the guy I've met recently buying your CDs' I told him, deciding to give that up and turning my head to the window to distract myself from Marshall's figure. It was much more difficult to think, looking at him.
'Eminem's music connects people. How romantic' I heard Marshall saying sarcastically but this time a little mocking made its way back to his tone. 'At least, he has a great music taste' he added, and I caught him hiding a cocky grin. Oh, cool, he was starting having fun with this. And what did "at least" mean?
'Oh, he's not much of a fan of yours' I commented, smirking. At that moment, I was glad that Josh liked indie. Screw Diana's jokes at that point.
'Then he's not worth it, you should cancel' Marshall shrugged, giving me a fake careless look at which I couldn't help but chuckle. Something different was in his glance, though. As if a joke wasn't really a joke.
'Surely, it's a big disadvantage but he is very sweet so it'll make it up for me' I told him, subconsciously trying to paint a positive picture of Josh in front of him as if Marshall's opinion on it mattered. I didn't know why I wanted him to react in some way. Maybe, it was because of all of those women I had a chance to find out about in his life, and I just wanted him to know that I had something similar as well. Weird?
'Oh, so you're into sweet ones, huh?' suddenly a shameless smirk appeared on his lips, and I freaked out that he understood my motives. He gave me a mocking look that told me his mood switched for better and I wondered if it was because of it.
'I think I am' I answered hesitantly, looking at him back. Did I have a thing about sweet guys? No. Should have Marshall known about it? Definitely no. Apart from that, there was terrible traffic that morning so along with the conversation the road to the studio seemed eternal.
'You think?' he raised his eyebrows lightly, turning the wheel and looking at the road. 'That's convincing' I saw Marshall, biting his cheek not to make his smirk wider as he gave me a short glance, showing that he understood something I was desperately trying to hide. And I didn't know what it was but I had a feeling it wasn't for good. The rest of the ride the blush refused to leave my cheeks and so was the same with the smirk on Marshall's lips.
When we arrived, I headed straight to my office. Thank God Marshall had some phone call to answer so he stayed at the parking lot a little longer. I plopped on my seat behind the desk, sighing heavily and mentally promising myself to act more confident around him next time. I didn't like that he was reading me like a book. But it felt like he was, successfully. Avoiding a poster with an image of him on the wall, I switched on the computer and started working. But oh well, surprise, the work was also about Marshall.
The whole day I decided not to leave the room. Well, it wasn't like I had one of those annoying sessions in my head where I was debating on whether it was smart to face Marshall and start some word exchange which never ended well. It was more about working quietly all alone that captured me and despite Paul's short visit to check on me, there was nobody bothering my loneliness.
However, as the evening came, I glanced at the clock and received a text from Josh, stood up from my spot and started to get ready to leave. The workday was over and Paul had nothing planned for Marshall so I had a well-earned right to go on a date with Josh. The strange thing was that I realized I hadn't thought about it until the work ended and didn't even check on my appearance. There was a mirror hanging on the wall, so I decided to try a new peachy lipstick instead of the lip balm from the morning and brush my hair. When I was about done with my preparations, I heard a knock at the door.
'Hey, Ella, we haven't seen you all day, you're busy?' the door opened and I saw two of my favourite dorks standing on the threshold with small smiles on their faces. I missed the moment when I got used to them in such a short period of time and I wondered how hard it would be to say goodbye when the project would be over. But it was still lots of time before that so I tried to forget the thought.
'Come in' I gestured for Royce and Denaun to sit down and finishing the last touches to my make up. I still had 15 minutes left so I decided to chat with them a little. 'Yeah, kind of, the last few days had something to write about'.
'We heard you had a date today, though' Royce stated carefully, sharing a secret look with Denaun, and I sighed, feeling tired. At that point, that fact started to seem annoying for some reason and I wished I never had one planned.
'I do as a matter of fact' I answered for what it seemed like the millionth time that day. That date wasn't even a thing yet but somehow all the people I met that day were very eager to discuss it. I bet I could call Jeff or even Melanie from the publishing and the first thing they would say to me would be "So, we heard you had a date today". 'The question is how you two know about it'.
'It's simple. We asked Marshall about the dinner today and he said that you couldn't go because of the date' Royce said, shrugging as if they were not sticking their nose into my business.
'Yeah, so we came to say that we don't approve' Denaun gave me a fake severe glance like I was a child that broke something very expensive and had no idea about the seriousness of its actions. I couldn't hold back a little laugh.
'Oh, you don't approve? And what that supposed to mean? Now I have not to go because you said so?'
'That's right' Denaun pronounced nonchalantly, crossing his arms on his chest to sit in a more comfortable way.
'We just think that missing a very important dinner with your friends from work is not a good thing for a project' Royce stepped in with an attempt to provide some arguments. Damn, why would they think it would work?
'Royce's speaking the truth. And that's not the only problem' Denaun was trying to speak as serious as possible but it looked funny somehow. 'Even though Marshall said that we shouldn't worry because you don't like your date that much anyway, we still...'
'He said what?' I couldn't believe my ears. Marshall was discussing my date with Josh with them?
'I swear, you need some filter on your mouth, Denaun. We were literally talking about how we shouldn't tell it before entering the room and you still fucked up' Royce sighed heavily, hiding his face in the palm of his right hand.
I had admitted that I found myself a little lost in the situation as an unfamiliar feeling spread through my chest. Why the hell Marshall told Denaun and Royce that I "don't like my date that much anyway"? Was the conversation in the car enough for him to make this conclusion? And if so, why did he bother to comment on it?
I didn't have time to process everything fully because when Denaun was about to say something, we heard a knock on the door. It swang open without waiting for the response a moment later, revealing nobody else but the subject of my thoughts. Great, now my office was a meeting place?
'Yo, I'm looking for you everywhere, you ready to go grab dinner?' Marshall asked without greetings, aiming his words to my previous "guests" who sat on their places with the patient but excited facial expressions. I bet that seeing both Marshall and me in the same room was like a weird form of entertainment for them, and honestly, I couldn't understand why.
'Man, you're right in time' Denaun grinned foolishly at Marshall who seemed a bit confused by the way we all acted. Denaun grinning, Royce having a careful look and me, standing near my table stunned.
'I'm always in time' Marshall answered cockily, not very interested to deal with all of it. 'All ready for the date? Good luck' he finally switched his attention to me, giving me a shameless confident smirk with a mocking glance of light blue eyes, not forgetting to observe my posture. Oh damn it, why did he have to appear?
'Thank you' I said dryly, staring at him, the words of Denaun making circles in my mind, not giving a single break for that fucking date with Josh.
'I think we should leave you two alone because you definitely have something to discuss' Royce stood up, giving Denaun a meaningful glance to join him.
'Damn, the interesting part was just starting, Royce!' Denaun complained, standing up reluctantly.
'Shut up and move!' Royce hushed him with clear irritation, and in a moment two of them disappeared in the hallway, closing the door behind them. Typical, what can I say?
'What was that all about?' Marshall spoke again after watching this ridiculous scene without moving, and suddenly I was aware of us being alone in that room. The clock on the wall showed me that I had 5 more minutes before I had to go so I was silently hoping that there wouldn't be any big delay, would there?
'I don't have that much time but since you're here, I would like to know why you feel so free to speak on my personal life' I pronounced in a firm voice, holding his gaze and trying to sound as unwaveringly as I could. It wasn't like I wanted to argue with him or demand an apology but I knew I had to say something on it.
'Oh, that. They asked and I answered' he chuckled lightly, putting both of his hands in the pockets of his jeans and making a few steps closer to my desk. For some reason, he was having fun. 'Any specific thing that you didn't like?' he cocked an eyebrow at me with a deceiving, cunning look on his features. Oh, he knew exactly what I was talking about.
'Yes' I answered neutrally, feeling a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing. As if I was the guilty one. 'Why did you tell Royce and Denaun that I didn't like my date that much?'
'I like how it's the main thing bothering you' Marshall's smirk grew wider, sending a blush to my cheeks at his comment. Fuck, I shouldn't have started the conversation in the first place. 'But I was just speaking my mind. You know, it's kinda my thing, I always say what I think' he shrugged carelessly, acting like it was the most obvious thing on a planet. He wanted to make a fool of me, I was positive about that.
'But what you said is not true' I tried to make my voice sound as confident as possible, though under the glance of Marshall's knowing eyes it was very hard to do. I wasn't looking directly into his eyes only because I knew for sure that I would lose.
'It's not?' he made a surprised face masterfully, just well enough for me to understand that he didn't buy it. 'Or maybe, you want me to believe so?' he said in a velvet, unbelievably gentle tone only to make the effect of the words worse while сocking his head to one side to look at me almost leniently. At that moment I couldn't stand that annoying arrogant smirk on his features.
'You're flattering yourself' I managed to pronounce. I was too nervous to continue the conversation. How could he be so full of himself? 'I'm already late. I need to go' I added, not waiting for his answer and grabbing my stuff to go but as I made it to the middle of my way to the door, it was suddenly blocked by Marshall's figure.
'So mad at the truth that you forgot your phone' I heard his voice not far away from my ear in a teasing tone, a slight feeling of his hot breath tickling my skin. My gaze landed on Marshall's neck, giving me a reminder of the sight of his collarbones right under the fabric of his shirt, and I made a mistake of smelling his damn scent. I raised my glance only to find his eyes observing my face cunningly with a clear mocking and my own breath being unsteady. He was holding my phone in his hand and the clock on the wall was practically screaming that I was late but what if I said that Marshall was right and I didn't care that much?
'Very kind of you' I let out sarcastically, clearing my throat, which was the only thing my courage helped me to do and took my phone from his hand quickly, making sure not to touch him. He chuckled, smirking, and surprisingly, stepped off. I wasted no time opening the door with an unstoppable urge to escape as soon as it was possible. Around Marshall, I was acting silly.
'Oh, by the way' he called me before I could exit the room. Oh, God. I turned around to face him once more, catching something playful in his glance. 'I like your lipstick. Such a shame it won't get any use tonight' was all he said, causing my entire face to heat up with that fucking chortle of his. What, he thought I wouldn't kiss Josh? Well...
I swallowed the answer, all of a sudden realizing how badly I wanted him to fix that problem and find any suitable option to use my lipstick. But that was the worst idea on the planet. Marshall was just making fun of me and I had to act as indifferent as possible.
'Maybe, it will' I answered daringly to his smug face. Leaving him with no chance to respond, I left the room with thousands of thoughts rushing through my mind. It was only outside when I could catch my breath. Texting "I'm on my way" to Josh and catching a taxi, I thought that I should have actually considered wearing that new lipstick more.
Hey, so it's officially the longest chapter I've ever written. Not that it matters lol. I really hope that you liked it because I don't really know how to feel about it.
Please, leave me a like or comment to express your opinion on it and encourage me to post frequently. Huge thanks for everyone who's been supporting my work, I'm very grateful for it. Hope you're all doing fine. Much love for all of you:3