I pulled on my fingers as I waited. I could feel my hand starting to sweat from anxiety. My eyes were glued to my hands and my breathing pace was fast. People around me were setting up the cameras and lights but I refused to look up. I didn't want to see their pity expressions. I knew what everyone was thinking of me, I didn't want that to get into my head.
My mind set was on a totally different level. I refused to let myself become the victim of this situation. I was going to come back stronger than ever and noone was going tear me down again.
We waited for the camera crew to finish their set up as we waited on the couch. 20/20 was going to be our first interview since everything had happened.
" I got my eye on you, everything that I see.." I heard Harry's voice sing low but loud enough for everyone to here.
Immediately the boys followed his lead and started singing along. I looked up to see them with a smile on their faces. One of the camera guys handed Louis a guitar and he started playing the chords. I knew what was happening. Harry knew me too well. This song was a secret of ours that was the one thing that could calm us down before an event. Slowly I let my voice follow the lyrics.
My hands clapped with the beat. A smile crept on my face as I realized that I couldn't have been with better people surrounding me. The boys looked at me with joy. The pity in Zayn and Louis' eyes were gone. Finally I had them back.
Only when the song finished did I realized that everyone who was working around us watched our whole performance. Only then didn't I realized that we had been filmed the whole entire time.
The interviewer introduced herself to us all giving us short hugs each. My stomach began turning, in a way that made me want to throw up. She first started to talk about our career and everything we had achived as a band. Then the questions they really wanted to ask came out.
" so how long had you been dating Carter Dane, Cailin?" she asked.
" I believe it started late August" I nodded after thinking back a bit.
" how did he treat you back then?" she continued.
" the beggining of our relationship went quite smoothly but after a month, that's when the violence started" I said looking down at my hands again.
Goosebumps started to rise from my skin as I remembered every slap and punch against me.
" when was the first time he hit you?" the interviewer asked
I took a deep breath in and let it out slolwy. No one had really ever asked me this detailed question. All they ever wanted to know was if it had happened before.
" It was the night of the VMA's. We were fighting about something and he was mad at me. That's when he slapped me across the face" I cringed.
The look on the women's face only made me feel worse. Pity was spread across her face.
" when did you know that it was time to leave the relationship?"
" obviously I didn't realize until I woke up in a hospital room with bandages all over my body" I shook my head.
" can you walk us through that night?" she asked.
I looked at her for a couple of seconds feeling completely disgusted. She didn't truely care. None of the reporters or interviewers ever did. They just wanted the story, the juicy details. This was the part of my career that I hated. I was obligated to tell them things that I didn't want to. Thankfully on somethings I wasn't allowed to.
" due to legal issues I can't talk about that night but even if I could, I wouldn't. To think back about that night brings a lot pain and I want to push that pain aside. I don't need the reminder" I nodded.
Then I felt a single hand wrap over mine. The hand was warm and protective. I looked down to see that it was Harry's. My anxiety seemed like it was gone. With one touch this boy was able to make my heart go back to it's normal speed and yet accelerate at the same time because of him. His eyes were focused on the woman in front of us but his mind wasn't on her, it was clear. A small smile escaped from me reminding myself that I was much stronger than this woman was trying to portraying me as.
" But I do want to make something clear. I don't want to be known as a victim from this. Carter does not have that power over me, at least not anymore. I don't want other people to feel bad for me. I've seen that enough these last couple weeks. The only thing that I want is for girls to know when to walk away. To know when enough is enough. I'm not a victim. I'm a survivor" I said.
The room around us became to quiet you could hear a pin drop. I looked over to see all the boys looking at me with a small smile. As I looked into Harry's eyes but quickly looked away with a goofy smile on my face. His grip tightened on my hand only making me feel safer.
" I also have a surprise for our fans. I've been in the studio a lot lately and writing is a way for me to cope with things. I wrote a song that I wanted to release to all the warriors and survivors who's been through anything close to what I had gone through" I annouced before Louis and Harry picked up their guitars.
They began playing the strings that I had quickly taught them. I could feel my hands shaking from nervousness. I hadn't sung this song for more then these three boys and now here I was about to share the sing with the world.
"You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized
But all your bullets ricochet
Shoot me down, but I get up"
The interview ended quickly after. I made sure James wouldn't schedule anymore interviews where I would have to talk about Carter. I was done with that chapter in my life. The so waited for interview and song was going to be out tonight, and that's all that I would give to the public eye. I don't think I could handle talking about my experience over and over again. I was still a little nervous about releasing the song because it was such a personal song.
The song pulled out every emotional that I could have felt in that moment and I was able to put them all into lyrics and vocals. Harry was the first one that heard the song. I asked him not to tell me his opinion. Weirdly enough I was more afraid of his opinion than anyone else's.
I felt my cell phone vibrate between my hands and looked down at the screen. It was my mother, again. She had been trying to get in contact with me everyday for the past three weeksm My guess was that she had seen the pictures from the police report. But she was one of the last people that I wanted to talk to. Part of me blamed her for everything. She was the one who had encouraged me to stay with Carter through the violence.
" do you guys mind if the driver drops me off home first? You guys go ahead and go to the mall but I'm just starting to have a headache" I shook my head at them.
Deep down I didn't want to face people following me around the mall like last time. Last week when we went to the mall, I felt like everyone was following us. With their cameras and screams. Of course I wanted to take pictures with the fans but I didn't want my face with cuts and bruises to be shown. Paparazzi waere even worse. They made me feel like a prey and they were the hunters.
" you sure?" Louis asked.
I nodded.
The driver made his way to our apartment and dropped me off there. I could tell by the look on Harry's face he was worried about me. But thankfully he stayed in the car and went along with the boys. I needed a little bit of alone time. When I got inside of our apartment I was relieved to see that Jess wasn't there. Ever since she saw me in that hospital bed, she had been avoiding me. I didn't understand why and Harry wouldn't explain it to me neither.
It bothered me but I didn't want to push her. I wanted to talk to her but I was going to give her space. The only thing I did know about what Jess was doing that she was looking for a job. Not just any job, she was actually trying to get into modeling which only made me excited for her. But instead of telling me about how it was going, she would avoid me completely.
Ronny was being the complete opposite. She made it her goal to call me everyday to make sure I was doing okay. She was in an interview and was asked out my whole situation and she said everything that was on her mind. Ronny called out Carter and called him everything bad that she had on her mind. As I watched her interview I laughed because I knew I shouldn't have expected anything different.
My phone began to vibrate again. As I suspected, my mother's name when shining from my screen. Before I could changed my mind, I answered her call.
" hello?" I said with my heart beating a thousand miles per hour.
" Cailin please don't hang up on me!" she begged.
" what do you want mom?" I asked as I took a seat on the couch.
" I'm sorry" she said and I could sense the tears forming on the other line.
I stayed quiet knowing that tears would fall from my eyes at any moment. I could hear she crying on the other side of the conversation. The only thing I could remember was when she told me to continue with my violent relationship. the relationship that could have killed me.
" why?" I asked as tears began to stream down my cheeks.
" Cailin..."
" why didn't you pull me away from him? Why did you encourage me to stay in a relationship where it was already doomed? In a relationship that could have taken my life? When he smashed my head against the window I thought I was going to die mom!" I cried.
I needed answers. I needed them desparately.
" I should have known better" she said.
" I shouldn't have listened to you" I whispered before hanging up.
I needed answers. But I knew that the answers that I wanted would never come from my mother. the answers I wanted was from Carter himself.
With that I threw my phone across the room hitting the living room wall destroy my phone. But I didn't care. now there was no way she could contact me. I wiped my tears away and looked down at my phone. I picked my self up from the couch and went straight to the shower. I took a long hot shower. I needed to relax. My muscles were tense. The headache that I had invented earlier was actually starting to come true. My pain must have been caused by the phone call with my mother.
My mind dwelled on the fact that i didn't know what to do with the relationship I had with my mother. It already wasn't the best. Before joining All Oblivion, we talked every single day, only now realizing that it was probably because she was my manager. After that, it was only to check up on me. She wanted to know all about my glamorous life, she called. She wanted to know about all the red carpets and photoshoot, something I expected was her dream while she was growing up.
Now it felt like our relationship was gone. She was marrying another man, even though my father was still alive. Yes, he was in a coma, but to me he was still there. His heart was still beating. I only hoped he would open his eyes again. I needed his support now more than ever. But what if he did wake up? He would wake up to a daughter who let so many wrong things done to her, I was a disappointment. He would also wake up to the love of his life marrying another man. He didn't deserve any of that. he deserved so much better.
After my shower I went straight to my room. I dugs around my closet trying to find something warm and comfortable. On top of one of my drawers hung my favorite pair of black leggings. I love sleeping in them because they were so soft and flexible. I took one of my sweatshirts from the hanger and quickly put it on. But it wasn't comfortable. It was soft and everything but it wasn't right. This sweater wasn't good enough. In that moment I knew what I really wanted.
I wanted Harry's sweatshirt.
I dug through my closet because I knew I had left his sweatshirt somewhere hidden away from Carter. It had to be somewhere in here. After what felt like hours, I gave up on finding it. My room was a mess from all the searching. I need his sweatshirt.
But his room was right down the hall... Maybe stealing another one of his sweatshirts would be okay. He wouldn't notice it since he has tons. No, I was being stupid. I didn't need his sweatshirt. I had a whole bunch that were my own.
After battling with myself on whether or not to go into his room, I made up my mind and left my room but I could change my mind again. I slowly opened Harry's bedroom door and stepped inside. His room was just like I had last seen before, months ago. Some articles of clothing were scattered across the floor. His bed was unmade. There was an empty glass on top of one of his counters.
On top of his bed, was thrown a sweatshirt that looked a lot like the one he had let me keep. As I grabbed it off the bed I saw that it wasn't the same but it was close enough. From the cologne sent I could tel that it had already been worn, just the way that I wanted it. I took a seat on his bed and slowly it on. I took the fabric to my nose and inhaled the smell, his smell.
How had I become so attached to his scent and cologne mixture? Sitting in his bed, wearing his sweatshirt, somehow had made me smile to myself.
Suddenly the door was opened and in walked Harry. His eyes met mine and I froze in place. At first confusion spread across his face not really understanding what I was doing here in his bedroom, on his bed. By then, I felt even more stupid then I had called myself before.
" I'm sorry" I whsipered as I picked myself off the bed.
" why are you in here?" he asked as he took off his jacket.
" I was being stupid" I shook my head as I stood there contemplating whether or not to just take a run for it.
" I told you not to hide anything from me Cailin" he shook his head with a tad of smile.
I shook my head convincing myself to keep quiet before I could say anything stupid.
" just tell me Cailin" he said as I got closer to me.
The way his tone sounded just made me fall into his trap. The trap where I would tell him absolutely everything.
" I couldn't find that sweatshirt that you gave me so I wanted another one" I shrugged looking down at my feet completely embarassed at the situation.
" you could have just gotten a clean one from the closet... that's been used" he said as he tugged at the collar of the sweatshirt that was on me.
" that's kind of the point" I whispered hoping he didn't hear it.
I slowly glanced up at Harry, only to see him with a soft smile. A smile that was so rare that I had to cherish this moment. His green eyes were soft. His lips were parted with a smile and still I had no idea what he was thinking.
" you're killing me with that innocent look on your face" he shook his head with a smile.
" it's the only face I have" I smiled back.
" I know you too well to know that you're not so innocent" he smirked.
" oh is that so?" I smirked.
I looked away from me, still with the smirk on his face, and ran his hand through his hair. Then his eyes met mine again.
" I should probably go back to my room" I said with a soft smile.
Harry stayed quiet. I took that as a sigh for me to leave. His eyes eyes traveled down and mine followed. I was still wearing his sweatshirt. I began tugging at the hem of it as an attempt to take it off but his hands quickly stopped me. His hands were attached to mine. My eyes met his and my lips parted.
" I already told you, I like it when you wear my sweatshirts" he said causing a smile to form on my lips.
His fingers reached the tips of my hair. But I wanted his skin on mine. I wanted him to touch me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and reached up and grabbed his hand gently.
" Kiss me" I whispered.
Harry seemed to have been taken back since he was still staring at me. His eyebrows were scrunched together only making me smile even more.
" do I need to repeat myself?" I smirked.
A smirk spread over Harry's lips and next thing I knew, his lips were attached to mine. His lips molded with mine and nothing could have felt more perfect. My heart was beating faster. Heat was building up between us. My hand snaked through Harry's hair and his around my hips. His grip tightened around my hips bringing me closer to him, if possible.
Before I knew it we were both on the bed. His hands quickly took off his sweatshirt of me along with my tank top. My fingers made their way to the hem of his own T-shirt slipped it off. Harry's hands touched every single part of my body only building up more heat between us.
One of his hands grabbed on to my hair making me moan out his name. His lips escaped my lips down to my neck and then down my bare stomach. He planted kisses on every inch of my skin. His hands yanked off my leggings along with his own jeans. I bit down on my lips on he buried himself between my legs.
In that moment of heat was when I realized something. I didn't need his sweatshirt.
I just needed him.
I needed Harry.
~
Yay! another chapter is born! lol ignore that im a dork
anyways here's chapter 29 and I hope you guys liked it! I love all the feedback I've been getting lately, you guys are seriously amazing!
I have so many plans for this sotry and the direction it's going, im too excited lol
I hope you guys had a good holiday and most of you are going back to school so good luck!
So Cailin's song in this chapter is Titanium by Sia but I imagine Cailin singing Madilyn Bailey's version!
I did a little video, kind of like a music video for it. Just search on youtube something like Just for Show - Cailin's song it should show up somewhere!
also! Madasyn (@Hopels) made another trailer for the story and I'll put it on the sidebar, she's just amazing <3
I also want to thank the girls who just share with me their amazing manips for the instagram page - @selenator_for_the_queen @classic.lc @rebeccadavison112
Shoutouts:
Wattpad - @Hopels
Instagram - @zarianareal
so as of right now Just For Show has 20.2k reads and it's just amazing <3
thank you guys for the support and the patience
spread the love <3