Chapter 48-head above water
Song
Trying my best
By; Anson Seabra
Maddi's pov-
*TRIGGER WARNING (suicide)*
Life. Life can be crazy. It's unpredictable. You never know what's going to happen. Sometimes life deals you a good hand. You get a loving family, good friends and a happy life. Where you biggest problem is what dress to wear to prom. But sometimes you get a crappy hand. A hand were you have to fight daily just to keep yourself above water.
I wasn't so lucky.
For the past two year every day is a constant fight to keep my head above water. I keep kicking my legs everyday. And every time I break through the surface and get a chance to breath another wave comes. I keep fighting. Over and over. Everyday I swim, I fight to keep my head above water. But sometimes I don't feel like fighting.
Sometimes the thought crosses my mind. Let the waves crash above me while I sink to the bottom. The salt water enters my lungs as I float away into the sea.
Just like dad
Just like John b
A whole family taken by the sea. Some days I feel like it's my destiny to float away at sea. Just did like my family. Today could be the day.
The sound of the bathtub filling up plays through my ears as I stare in the mirror.
Brokenness.
It's all I see. I don't see the happy girl who would go fishing with her dad. Or the girl who would play fight John b pushing each other into the water in the marsh. Or the girl who would smoke joints with JJ on the hammock after school.
That girls gone.
She sunk with the boat. When the storm took the boat it took her with it. Now what's left is a shell. A hollow body. Empty.
Tears stream down my face. My cheeks are red and puffy from crying. My lips are swollen and red. I can barley recognize myself. I strip down into my bra and underwear as I move away from the mirror.
Your fault
He's dead because of you
All your fault
Those words keep replaying through my mind. My fault. It's my fault. My brothers gone because of me. I lower myself into the bathtub. The hot water burns my skin as I sit down. My arms stay gripping the sides of the tub as more sobs escape my lips.
I slowly push myself down. Water goes to my chest. Then my neck. Slowly it goes over my mouth. And finally my head. My body fully emerged into the water. I hold myself under.
30 seconds
A million of thoughts run through my head. Everything that has happened over the last year.
1 minute
I think about John b. If I never let him on that boat he would still be here.
2 minutes
I think of JJ. About how much better he would be without me here. I hurt him and I don't deserve him.
As I approach 3 minutes the room started to go black. All of my senses started to drift. My tight grip on the bathtub loosens.
My lungs scream for air. They burn as I keep myself down. My grip on the sides of the tub retighten as I keep myself down. My knuckles turn white from the tight grip.
Once again things start to go dark. My lungs beg me to breath. To inhale air. But I refuse. Instead I start to let go of all my senses. My body wants to inhale and this time I don't fight it.
3 minutes
JJ's pov-
Pope, Kie and I hop out of her Jeep. We're at the chateau for another one of our party nights. Which at this point is basically every night. Topper pull up around the same time we do. He walks up to me. We do the handshake before starting to walk onto the porch.
A sense of dread washes over me but I brush it off and join back into the conversation. Topper said a joke that I didn't really hear but I laugh along as we enter the house. Kie walks in first. Topper and I are still on the porch when Kie and Pope freeze.
"What happened?" Kiera's voice is covered in concern. I shove past them to see. My heart rate increases as I walk into the chateau. Glass was shattered all Over the floor. Broken picture frames were strewn about. My eyes look around the room frantically.
"Where's Maddi? Is she home?" I ask to Topper.
"She's supposed to be" Toppers eyes widen as he looks at the mess. We all start looking around the house. I go to the office yelling a strings of Maddi's as I slam the door shut.
"JJ! Topper! She's in here!" Pope shouts urgently. We both rush over to the door him and Kie were standing in front of. The bathroom door was shut. As I approached I noticed water coming out the bottom of the door.
"Maddi? Come out please?" Kie pleaded. There was no reply. I shove past them all. And start banging on the door. My heartbeats in my ears as I jiggle the doorknob trying to get in.
"Maddi! Hey Maddi! It's JJ. Just come out please" I beg banging on the door again. I hear the water running into the bath but no Maddi.
"Back up" I say. They all look at me "back up! Back up!" I urge. They all do as I say this time. I back up a little and slam my arm into the door. It doesn't budge. I do it again a little harder. This time the door bust open. Wood splinters fly everywhere.
When I look into the bathroom my heart shatters. I see Maddi complete submerged under the water. Her skin pale, lips blue. Her hands were on the side of the bath to hold herself down. I quickly run over to the bath and pull her lifeless body up. Tears fill my eyes seeing her like this. So broken. I sat her beside the bathtub on the floor. I bent down and pressed my ear to her chest.
"She's not breathing"
This chapter made me so sad to write. If you ever feel like you aren't enough know you are. You have a place in this world💖
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