I only feel alive
When I don't feel safe
-Misbehabe, monsta x
Kihyun was watching the television in the dark of the sofa, only the colossal screen lighting up the room. He kept switching from this channel to that, the remote controller on his hand. Then he fixed on the news channel.
I watched him, a bit hunch over on his shoulder with a arm propped on his bare knee (as he was wearing shorts again), his chin placed on the palm of that very hand. A short sleeved white tee on his body and round specs adorning his already small face.
There was a feeling coming from him, an aura that he was a bit distracted. I couldn't read his eyes behind the glasses that was facing the TV, not that I was ever good at reading those anyways.
To me, I felt like I was struck by an asteroid when it finally dawned upon me, hours later the new years party Hyungwon had invited us to, which had already happened three days ago, that Kihyun had kissed me.
Kihyun frigging kissed me.
Under the fireworks when the clock hit twelve in the midnight on new years eve, like those damn romcom movie my mom would gush about.
But my life wasn't a romcom movie, if I could, I'd rather add the thriller, or horror tag but it was too boring for even those.
Though ever since I had 'accidentally' witnessed something and joined these boys, life had become more colourful, more vivid.
Here I was getting distracted again, I really wanted to ask Kihyun why he had kissed me. Because for the past three days only that question whirled in my brain and only the scene of him getting closer and pressing his lips to mine played.
It was driving me crazy, before going to sleep I'd have those flashbacks and waking up too, the first thing I'd imagine would be his lips, on mine.
These seven days was supposed to be my vacation, yet here I was back at the club for answers. And thankfully, also not so thankfully (since now it was making me more nervous than before) meeting Kihyun here, alone.
I was alone with him.
Suddenly his presence grew way bigger, and the cool air inside the room started feeling warm, very, very warm against my skin. The room felt smaller, darker too than before.
I was panicking.
"Have you heard?" Kihyun spoke for the first time, eyes still fixated on the lit TV screen. His dark bangs brushing down to his specs.
"Heard what?" I swallowed. Why did you kiss me that night Kihyun?
"Our ad," he rotated over a few channels again, thumb gently tapping over the controller. "They were shooting a Park SeoJoon drama in a pub and apparently our beer ad was on a wall in the back. It showed up on TV."
I'd obviously heard as Jooheon went his way to call me because he was so excited. That was my first phone call with him and the first thing he did was yell into my ear.
"Jooheon hasn't shut up about it," Kihyun murmured as if he could read my mind.
And suddenly I was taken back to the memory of me and Wonho sitting on this very sofa, months ago, Hyungwon sleeping in another couch. Wonho and I were watching tangled and then Kihyun joined, even then he made a comment that was very similar to my own thoughts.
Those were the times I had loathed Kihyun, well, not really, because hatred was a strong word. I disliked him, his condescending tone irritated me, his tyrant behavior and the way I thought he was a little similar to my unknown dad irked the hell out of me.
That view had changed so much when he stayed the same. They all did, it was my perception of them that had changed.
"Do you really not smoke now?" Mindlessly I fumbled with the hem of my hoodie as the question spilled from my tongue.
Kihyun immediately turned his gaze towards me, for the first time in the night. "What do you think?"
His voice was flat, I could not fathom if he was even the slightest curious. I had to give a shake of my head to the sides.
He only ever smelled like the dreamy version I had often admired and always hoped he would, that one time when he made my heart rate accelerate because he did not smell like nicotine, and cancer, and bad boys, and abandonment.
From sitting here I could find the faint aroma of aftershave, shampoo and cologne coming from him.
"And why do you think I don't smoke now?" He asked again, albeit this time his voice said he was a bit interested to hear my answer.
Rather than looking down I decided to face him head on. I looked up at him and immediately our gaze matched, I had the urge to look away the second those intense irises behind his glasses met mine.
"Because you're more relaxed now as you don't have university?" I answered remembering what Minhyuk said on the Christmas night.
Kihyun stayed silent for a while, perhaps seconds but that felt like minutes as he kept observing my face. "Yeah," he responded. "But it's also because you clearly don't like cigarettes, Daisy."
My name rolled of his tongue as if it was so natural, as if Daisy was just made for him to call me out, whisper or shout. Only he could make me feel that way, I just knew.
The second that happen, the second my heart skipped a beat, again, I could only wonder, why?
A faux smile made it's way on my face, my throat wry. Probably the reason was because he wanted to be considerate of me, because I'd told him everything about my dad and I showed him my cause to hate cigarettes.
"You don't understand, do you?" He put a hand over his round specs and removed them. When he looked up his dark eyes immediately drew me in, captivating me so hard that I grew still in my spot.
"There's been instances between you and I, short but those definitely means something. To me... I...," he trailed off turning away.
His face showed hesitation, a bit of nervousness (or I did not know if I was only imagining that). Kihyun ran a hand through his silky hair, fingers brushing the strands and at that moment I very much wanted to touch his hair too.
"It was hard quitting, I thought it would be easier since I wasn't a chain smoker to begin with. But it was, tough." He licked on his lower lip. "At first I really thought, maybe, I was quitting because I was considerate of you. Or because it was high time I actually stopped."
Again, our thoughts matched. I could see where he was going with this, at the same time couldn't. Anxiety was crawling back in my system and my guts kept curling inside of me.
"Then I asked myself why I cared. I got reminded that I stayed with you in the hospital, before that I had shared about us with you, you had shared about yourself that night. I felt like I started caring for you as the other six, because you had made your way here among us."
Did I? Was this his way of saying I belonged here with them? I'd thought that we were missing pieces of puzzles that completed each other, I did not know he thought so too.
"It's just, I'm a closed off person. I've barely ever cared about anyone outside us seven," he heaved a long, frustrated sigh. "If you think that kiss between us might be a mistake you're wrong. Obviously the rest has sensed something too."
"Jooheon..." I could not help but think that tattletale announced it all, what he had witnessed of us twice before.
But Kihyun let out a soft chuckle, the melody serenading in the dark room and almost immediately the air shifted into a lighter one.
"No," he sobered up instantly too, long gone was his laugh. "We share a stronger bond to sense things. Why else do you think I could sit beside you in the bakery at Christmas night? Or stand by you later in the hill when there is seven of us? Why did Changkyun oblige when I told him to look after you that very night before it went down?"
He paused for a moment before continuing. "Or why did they not push us to join them to the dance in new years?"
Suddenly it was getting very much real to me. This wasn't a dream, or a distracted hallucination of some sort. The boys were aware of Kihyun, that he cared for me.
But were they aware of me too?
Was Kihyun aware?
I felt myself visibly growing smaller and smaller when the thoughts kept poking on my head. Then I realized that he had talked about the kiss not too long ago, that he had done it on sane mind and deliberately.
If I could run away from here maybe I would. This was different kind of frustration, not my usual angry frustration. But vexation in a way that I could understand what he was implying yet I couldn't fully get my head around it.
Hence I looked up at him again and at the same moment, he did too. Without the specs and in the dark his brown eyes almost looked pitch black, an abyss on itself.
And I knew I couldn't run even if I tried. I wanted to pull him closer, and latch onto him for perhaps the next years of my lifespan, perhaps.
"I'm sorry I kissed you without asking first, that day," He whispered with his gaze never leaving me. The TV screen illuminating his side profile in various colors. "My body almost acted on its own."
The flame ignited in my chest, burning my heart and my insides churned. Was it because of anxiety or something else? How could I tell him I wanted that kiss?
"And if you don't leave now I might do it again. This time not on drunk impulse, because I haven't touched wine since new years eve. But we are in the dark and it's only you and me here now."
His words sent shivers down my spine but his burning gaze had left, again he returned to watching the TV while there I was, seconds away from combusting. Seconds away from letting out the loudest scream in my life.
He wanted that. And I wanted it too. I couldn't care if it was just a small type of feeling that couldn't be labeled as 'love'.
The fact that I was feeling this infatuation for the first time and he was too, was more than enough of a reason.
"I don't want to leave yet," I mumbled almost incoherently but I guessed it reached him because once again he faced me.
"Maybe you should," kiss me. I could feel my tone daring, almost. A part of myself I was unfamiliar with.
And his even harsher daring stare caught me inside his now obsidian eyes, as if I was a deer caught in the headlights and it was his way of telling me, "are you tempting me, Daisy?"
A second felt like a decade but I did not waver, I did not look away and then I remembered another scenario from a good while ago. The whole feud between me and Kihyun started on this very room behind the minibar because we would not break the stare with each other.
He had made a relatively snide comment and next thing I knew I had burst out on him.
Things were very different now. I was caught in a trance yet I knew exactly what was happening, and what more was about to happen when Kihyun came forward, closer to me.
Time went from being slower to faster again. With the ticking wristwatch on my hand the only other sound the reached to me was the thudding off my own heart.
He had gotten so close that I could count the freckles dusted lightly around his cheekbone and his button-like nose, count the curly eyelashes that casted a shadow under his eyes.
And those eyes- a pair of black holes that were pulling me in. The moment we crashed was the moment we burned.
His lips had met mine, second time for the week and even with the tiniest graze an instant electric shock ran through my veins, my whole body reacted and I felt my hands reaching up to his chest, placing it through the firm muscles that were thinly separated from actual contact by his tee.
His heartbeat was as erratic as mine, enthralled I reached up further as his lips worked its magic on mine, moving with a rhythm as he tilted his head and pressed further against me. My hands were up to his back, his shoulders, then to touching his bare neck, and finally raking through the strands behind his head.
Finally, touching his hair.
And here he was cupping my jaw with one hand, his other hand against my waist. Our breaths mingling and it getting deeper, but I needed, wanted more. Never had I ever felt like this in my whole life.
I could feel my fingers gripping on his roots as I kissed him back fervently, half of me did not know what I was doing, half of me telling me, damn Kihyun was a good kisser.
But then he abruptly stopped. He halted and broke the kiss, yet he did not move too far away, only a little bit. And stared at me with his chest going up and down while I was out of breath myself.
His hand was still on my waist, but under my hoodie and I could feel my bare skin there burning under his touch.
Please don't remove your touch from there too.
His hooded eyes raked mine, and he swallowed a little, and I could see his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. I could see how red his face was even in the dark while he was hovering over me in the couch, and how his lips looked a bit swollen for the kiss.
"We should stop," he said, his voice huskier than ever and even that made me yarn for more. "Before it gets out of hand."
"It won't," surprising myself I assured him before pressing my hand down on his when he was just about to retract it from my waist.
My other hand stroked down to his jawline, and I stared at him back. My back pressing the cushion and him on top of me, hesitation on his face.
And then he leaned down and again we crashed and burned, again, and again. While the night drew on.
---
A/n: i had to pause like 7 times while writing this and took a breather every time.
It had been almost 2 years since I'd written a scene like this and I did not want to put a warning beforehand either, cause this wasn't a smut.
I don't write/ read smut. This is about as far as you get hoes.