Izzy's POV
I was probably talking Sophie's ear off for 90% of physics. We weren't really doing much yet, but it was hard for either of us to pay attention because she was just as interested in hearing it as I was in telling her. We walked back to our building together and I asked if I could come to her room later so I wouldn't have to deal with Luke and Callie. I didn't know how serious they were about their plans, but I wasn't about to stick around and find out.
I showered right when I got back, and I grabbed what I needed to sleep in Sophie's room. I didn't want anything to do with this floor tonight, so I texted her and told her I was about to head down. I hadn't mentioned me possibly sleeping there, but I knew she wouldn't care since it was Saturday tomorrow. The second my bag was filled, I swung it over my shoulder and headed out the door.
"You're gonna miss the show!" I whipped my head around as I pulled my door shut, my eyes landing on Callie walking down the hall. I literally couldn't win. I didn't respond, I just made sure my door was locked and turned to walk past her. "Does it bother you? Knowing he's moving on while you wait around?" She stood right in front of me, and I looked up at her from my 5'2" stance since she had quite a few inches on me.
"I'm not waiting. And it doesn't bother me." I tried going around her, but she just stepped in front of me every time I tried. My fuse was about to blow, and I needed her to scram before I did something I would regret.
"It's just me and you, right now. So, tell me. How many times did you beg him to fuck you?" She had the smuggest look on her face I had ever seen, so I took a deep breath.
I knew I was about to fuck up, but I couldn't hold back. I just wound my arm back and punched her as hard as I could. She stumbled back onto the floor with blood dripping from her nose, and I stood over her like I was about to kill her. When I saw how much of a scared little bitch she was, I cooled off and took a step back. I heard a door open and turned around to see Luke standing in the middle of the hall, watching us with wide eyes.
I saw her start to stand up, and I looked around at a few students who were watching from down the hall. I clammed up, not knowing what I had just done. If the school found out I would be fucked, and Callie was petty enough to bring it there. I turned to Luke one more time, panic clearly on my face. He just looked speechless, like he didn't know I had it in me. I rushed down the hall and ran down the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.
"You bitch!" I heard Callie shout as I ran away, but I wasn't the one who instigated it. She pushed every button I had, and I fell right into it.
I barged into Sophie's room freaking the fuck out, knowing I could get put on academic suspension or worse. She saw how frazzled I was without me having to say anything, so she locked the door and tried to stop me from pacing around like a nut job.
"I just punched Callie in the face." I told her, watching her face light up at the news. "What if the school finds out?" I asked, but her eyebrows furrowed immediately.
"Are you kidding me? She fucking deserved it. I doubt she'll go to anyone, dude. She's been harassing you the last two days, all you have to say is that she was trying to get a rise out of you." She had a good point there, I was trying to walk away that entire time. It wasn't until she said something so close to home that I snapped. She would get written up, too, and I had a feeling she was too proud to admit she got sucker punched by me.
"I hope that ruined their mood." I mumbled, watching as she started giggling. We laughed for a minute before sitting on her bed and watching TV. There wasn't much to do, so she pulled out a bottle of vodka from her mini fridge and we drank alone. I checked my phone a half hour after to see I had multiple texts.
Luke:
You're batshit fucking crazy
Luke:
She's bleeding all over my room and now I have to clean up your mess
I scoffed at the audacity, and I read them out to Sophie. Callie sits and plays victim, even though she's the snarky bitch that has it out for me. I typed up a long ass reply, not even caring if I did sound batshit crazy. In the end I deleted all of it, though, because it wasn't even worth saying to him.
Me:
Just control your pet
I threw my phone across the bed, banging my head back on the wall while I sat there fuming. He said he needed to hate me, but I already hated him. The excitement around his control and aggression was gone, now I knew it really was just toxic. He's never going to change, and good luck to whoever he tried to reel in from now on.
Luke:
You know you wish it were you in my bed rn
Me:
Lose my number
Luke:
But I like pissing you off
I was about to pull my god damn hair out. He was a fucking toddler, and his brain was the size of a fucking peanut. No one could piss me off like he could, and he knew that. That's why he kept doing it. I shut my phone off and poured another drink, and I left my phone off the rest of the night.
Sophie and I didn't wake up until noon on Saturday, so we stayed in her room all day and did nothing. No one had homework yet, so all we had to do was watch Netflix and wait until we got dinner with the guys. It was better than sitting around by myself, but I just wished I could have slept at least in my own bed last night. Luke and Callie were driving me out of my room now, too.
I let Sophie get ready around 6, and then she followed me to my room so I could do the same. I dropped off the stuff I had brought to her room and threw on black ripped jeans and a sweatshirt. We rushed down to the dining hall right after, everyone already texting the group chat to tell us they were there.
When we walked up to the table I nearly threw my plate across the room. As if me punching her yesterday wasn't enough to keep her away. Callie and Luke sat with the guys, talking and laughing like there was nothing wrong. I knew I was being selfish by thinking they should all hate her too, but I just thought it was obvious how fucked up this all was.
I sat down without a word, and I barely touched my food. I wasn't hungry and I didn't want to be here anymore. Sophie was next to me, giving me weird looks like she didn't want to be here either. She still got involved with the conversation, though, which was way more than I could do. I pulled my headphones out and put one in, wrapping the other around its ear and letting it hang.
"I heard about a party next Friday, let's plan on going." Calum said, letting everyone agree. Even though I wasn't talking, I was still listening.
"Are you guys working?" Mike asked.
"When am I not working." Luke mumbled, looking away from the table at some random object on the other side of the room.
I watched him stare, my eyes completely glued to him. The way his button down was undone enough to see some of his chest, the way the veins on his neck were showing. The stubble all over his neck and face was growing out, and it made him look older. Usually he kept up with it, but I guess now he didn't really care. His hair was starting to curl in the front from how long it was getting, and I thought back to all the times I had clumps of it in my fists. He was gorgeous, and when I saw him start to turn back to the table I quickly looked away.
He was lethal. I was attracted to him more than anyone I had ever seen before, and I was terrified that he could still use that to his advantage. I knew I could melt at his touch, and he knew it, too. I never once stopped to think about if he would still melt at my touch, though. If I put my hand to his cheek, would the anger stop? If I kissed him, would the monster inside him disappear?
I was so sure that he was it for me, and I thought I was it for him. I could tell everyone else, and even myself, that seeing them together didn't bother me. But seeing Luke with his arm around Callie's shoulders made me want to scream and cry, and I'd been trying to lie to myself this whole time and say that it didn't. I skipped the hurt and went right into rage, but I was tired of fighting. I needed to let myself be hurt, not pretend like I was hard as stone.
I felt my hardened features soften at that realization, and I looked around the table to see everyone smiling at each other while they continued talking. I felt like I was drowning under all the conversation, like I didn't even exist. Even Sophie was turned to Ashton, giggling with him while they stole food off each other's plates. I just wanted to cower into myself, disappear without anyone noticing.
I put the headphone that was hanging fully in my ear, letting the music take over my full attention. It was probably not a good thing that screamo always suited every mood for me, but it was especially good for times like this. It was like all the anger and hurt I felt was being let out by every song that played. When 'Another Life' by Motionless in White came on, though, I slid down further in my chair and closed my eyes, listening to the disturbingly relevant lyrics.
When Mike realized I didn't touch my food at all, he squeezed my knee to get my attention. I pulled a headphone out, looking at him to see what he wanted. He asked if I was hungry, but when I shook my head he just frowned. I put my headphone back in, but he pulled the one on the other side out. He brought it to his own ear, and we sat there listening to my music together. When he let go of my leg I leaned on his arm and closed my eyes again.
I was depressed and probably spiraling into a really dark place, but I didn't really care anymore. The thought of going to that party next week reminded me of drugs, which I really needed at the moment. I was tempted to buy off of Luke now, but I figured it'd be best to avoid him at all costs for a while. I just needed to stop letting them piss me off. I needed to ignore, no matter how much he hurt me.
I got through the rest of dinner unscathed, and as we were all walking back to the dorms I stayed behind the group. Mike had given my headphone back so we could start walking, and I was now tuning all of them out. I just wanted to lay in bed by myself, and it didn't matter to me if it was a Saturday night and there were things to do. Whatever plans they were making without me didn't seem appealing, and I wouldn't be joining them.
When we were in the elevator in our building, I stood in the back corner and watched as they all got off at Mike and Ash's floor. I was spaced out, and even though I saw them all leaving, I didn't move or say anything. It wasn't until Mike was standing right in front of me that I pulled one headphone out.
"What?" I asked, dazed and not knowing what he had been trying to say to me this entire time.
"Are you coming?" He looked concerned, and rightfully so. I knew I probably looked like I was shutting down, and out of all people Mike was the one who worried about me the most.
"Uh... no." I said quietly, bringing the headphone back to my ear so I could continue up to my floor.
Mike hesitated for a second, not knowing if he should let me off that easy. In the end, he left with everyone else. I pushed the button for my floor, and as the doors closed I met Luke's gaze. I didn't let my eyes linger, though, I just turned away immediately and went to my room. I turned on the console Mike gave me when I got inside, and played until I was too tired to keep my eyes open.
That's pretty much how every night that weekend went. I didn't leave my room at all until Tuesday when I had to go to class. I hadn't eaten in a couple days, and I felt weaker than I ever had been. The last three weeks I had lost a noticeable amount of weight. Everything that I gained back from eating normally plus some was shed off from how little I actually put into my stomach.
I think everyone started to notice, too. I finally met up with everyone again on Tuesday night, and when I barely touched my food yet again I kept getting looks. I didn't know if they thought they were being discrete or what, but it was obvious that they were staring at me and the plate in front of me. It was the same thing as dinner on Saturday, I just kept my headphones in and said a combined total of four words.
I've spiraled out of control before, but this was worse. It was an act of congress to get myself out of bed in the morning, and I struggled to pay attention in class. Chemistry on Wednesday was filled with Callie trying to rub Luke in my face, but I showed no sign of response. I kept my head down and did my work in lab, and I managed to finish before they did and left in a hurry. I think Callie noticed that I was completely shut down and unbothered, so every time I saw them with the group or in class that next Friday she didn't even try to throw it in my face.
Ignoring them completely was starting to work,but it went hand in hand with isolating from everyone else. I saw Sophie inclass the two days I had physics with her, but we didn't hang out other thanthat. I even turned down Mike every time he asked to come over and play. Ifthat's what it took to get over Luke, though, that's just how it was going tohave to be for a while.