I woke up this morning because of the noise and someone is knocking on my door so even if I'm really supine and still sleepy, I get up out of my bed and opened the door.
" Why you took so long before getting up out of your bed?"
I rolled my eyes and looked at him boringly.
"Obviously Ezriel, I'm still sleeping and you know kinda felt supine getting up"
I said then crossed my arms. He frowned and then shook his head.
" What do you think is the event today?"
He said then it was like I have forgotten something this day and, yeah great. This is the day our wedding will be held.
It was as if I had fallen into ice cold because of realization. I don’t know what to feel. What am I going to do?. I feel like there is a part of me that is happy and there is also frustration. I feel mixed at this time. I never thought this would happen right now.
"Go on Khiella, get ready. Your make up artist will be here in a minutes"
He said and then left towards, back to his room and get ready too. I could hear a lot of noise in the living room because my bedroom door was open. Is this really happening now? Why does it seems like it's really fast that everything is happening right now? I'm not yet ready.
I could do nothing but force myself to move and get ready. I took a shower and groomed myself, and just then someone knocked in the door of my room so I opened it and the face of a make up artist and another companion was holding a big box that I was sure it's the gown I would wear.
"Hello ma'am. I am Michael but you can call me Michelle and this is my partner Loureencha Mae"
The make up artist said while smiling and so I did the same thing to them, just to approach them.
I widely open the door, enough for them to enter and they did. After they're inside of my room, Michelle fix everything and Loureencha put down the gown on my bed and the others put down all of the make up kits on the table.
Ezriel's parents discussed yesterday before we left after church that the arrangements will be held here at home with us as well as the wedding attendees. So maybe it was noisy earlier in the living room because the attendees and the fixers are already arrived.
I sat down on the chair. I stared at the mirror, just staring at myself in the mirror while the make up artist were already busy with their arrangements for me. My heart beating so fast because of the thought, all of this is true and I have to accept that I will marry the person I love. But he is not the only one I love because they are two in my heart. I was also apprehensive for the fact that I couldn’t figure out what it was.
"Miss Khiella right?"
Michelle asked and I nodded. He smiled before say anything again.
"You are so beautiful Madam you looked a Hollywood or international model with a real barbie face. It was just perfect."
I don't know if I will take it a complement. Because until now the wounds of my past is still fresh. And that kind of complement is part of it.
I tried to manage myself not to yield at them, just tried myself to smile at him. He started to put moisturizer and concealer on my face and powder cream and others. They are talkative, the two of them always talk to me, to entertain me and I will admit, I enjoyed talking to them.
"Uhm I think you used wear the gown before we continue doing your hair and make up, to finally finish it. Your hair and make ups may be ruined if you won't wear the gown right now"
Said Loureencha. So I did what they told me because I also about it. Aftering putting the gown and wear it. I went out of the closet and walk towards them, then sat down on chair and they continued doing my hair and make up.
After everything. They finally finished, I stood up and stare myself at the mirror.
Can't believe I looked like this, but suddenly I felt sad because of the thought of him and her. Also what might happen after this.
" Owh. Why looked sad miss?"
I turned to Loureencha and smiled. Do I looked obvious? Maybe yes I am.
" Owh no, I was just thinking about something"
"Wow you really look so stunning"
I smiled at them and then we walk out of my room then proceeded downstairs.
All the people here is now starting to leave, to go to the church.
"Your groom is surely, already in the church. So shall we go now?"
I just nodded and then I went to the car infront of me, waiting for me to get in.
While inside the car, I couldn’t help but think. Because until now my dream from last night has been bothering me. Why is that? I could not understand why I dreamed like that. What does it mean?. it's not clear to me what they look like but why does it seems real to me that it really happened.
I felt like, I want to cry because of the thought that what if it's really true. That is happens before?.
What am I going to do, if it's really happened before? I don't know.
As long as I don't remember anything like that happened to me before. All I know is that my grandmother and aunt and I went abroad. And until that happened, I didn't expected that will happen to me. all I wanted then was to have a new life that I also don't know what the reason is, but I want us to be able to start again and have a new life.
I was suddenly stunned when I heard again the voices of the people in my dream. The voice of the female mother begging for help and pleading with her husband. My head hurts and my chest heats up because I feel pain, grief and depression.
" Don't, please!!"
" Let go of her. Don't hurt her"
" No!!"
My heart felt the heavy feelings in my chest when I heard my own voice shouting out of my lungs.
" No don't please!"
" Stop!!!!!!. No!!!!!"
My chest suddenly tightened and I felt a strange headache.
What is happening to me?.
Suddenly, as if awakened and awoke to the reality when the car door open and someone taps me.
I looked at who open the door and called me. It was Eman and he looked so worried about me.
"Hey Khiella are you okay?"
I roamed my eyes. I didn't realize we were already here at the church. I was so carried away by what happened, I can't understand that. Suddenly I felt like I woke up from a bad dream even though I hadn't slept.
I stared at him and then I forced a smile. Here I am good at pretending. I shook my head and then averted my eyes from him to adjust myself and put on my mask. This is how I am, this is how everyone is. Lots of masks to wear all the time just to look okay and cool even if deep inside, deep down behind the mask is a broken vessel.
"we were calling you ten times but you didn't respond. And now is like as if you don't know what's happening in your surroundings".
Eman said and I pretended that it didn't happen. I went out of the car and then smiled to everyone, all eyes are on me.
I was helped out of the car and then we stood in front of the church door.
" You sure, you okay now?"
Eman asked and so I just nodded and smiled then started to walk.
While walking towards where Ezriel was standing, waiting for me. I can’t name how I felt. Fernand's Father and Mother are the one who is walking with me because I don't have a parent with me. they also asked me where my parents were and I told them my parents were gone. So this is what they thought.
What I've been feeling since we were at home has doubled now and I'm feeling too much. It was as if I were going to cry for joy, but I was more overwhelmed by anxiety and fear.
I assured myself that I would do everything I could to make Ezriel want to get divorced after this marriage. I love him but they don't understand me. I don't want him to be tied to me because they don't know he can be ruined, because he will be involved in the chaos in my life. I can't afford to lose someone important in my life, because of me again. I don't want other people to be affected because of the darkness of my world.
I will look for the reason why they want to get married their son Ezriel. I'm still thinking about it until now.
I couldn't stop myself from crying but I immediately pushed it away and strengthened myself. I just can't help but feel fear, apprehension and apology to him right now. Because he will be affected by the darkness of my life.
I looked at all the people who attended this wedding, who are here today at church. Most of them have no care and others are happy for us.
I feel happy but sadness dominates my heart. I know that Ezriel feels nothing for me as much as I feel for him. Even now, there is still trouble in my mind and heart because they are two here.
I looked at the person who was also the reason of my beating heart. I knew that when she found out that I like her, she would definitely avoid me. I was afraid that she might not talk to me and approach me again. maybe now I can avoid my feelings for her because I will marry Ezriel. I hate myself so much. .
My attention was diverted as I continued to approach the person I was going to marry. He smiled at me knowing I was just trying, I couldn’t understand why he wanted to marry me even though he didn’t feel anything for me.
I put my hand on his arm and we walked closer to the altar. The wedding ceremony has already begun and is still going on until it's the ending part. Announcing that we are now officially married.
When he was about to kiss me I stared at him and have a hesitant to allowed him. But then I couldn't anything.
We kissed and something in me felt like it has an electricity. His warm lips touch mine and my heart pounds so fast. Why am I feeling this? I don't understand why Ezriel genuinely smiling as if he's so happy that we finally got married.
I just stared at him after the kiss he gave me. I'm happy but I don't know why I'm confused. I looked at the people as they all applauded. My eyes caught Fernand as if his smile was just forced as he looked at the two of us. why can't I seem to understand what's going on?.
After all that church event, we all headed to the wedding venue. Arriving there, the other people were already sitting in chairs at the arranged tables. And everything is slowly coming. After that the program started again.
Everyone is having fun but I feel like it's hard to get along with them all. They gave gifts and worked hard to give a speech for the two of us. After that, much more was done. Until it was all over and everyone went home. Next to leave was us. now on the way home I think that everything will change for me. We will sleep next to each other in the same bed. I don't know if I can handle that.
Until we arrived in our new home. All of our stuffs were already moved here, this house is more looks so modern classic and expensive.
We went inside of the house and just proceeded upstairs. Because of tiredness, I have no time to roamed my eyes in the whole around of this mansion.
I got stop when we're infront of the room where we were going to sleep in same bed.
" Don't worry I'll sleep on the sofa and you are going to sleep on the bed"
He said that I didn't notice he's on my back. Ezriel open the door and walked in so I did the same. I immediately went to the bathroom and change, then went closer to bed when Ezriel also went to the bathroom to change.
I know I can't sleep knowing that he's going to sleep on the couch while I'm here in the master bed. He went out then prepared himself in the couch.
I can't take it, looking at him making himself be fitted and comfortable on the couch. So I have to decide, okay I already decided. I can do it.
"Ezriel"
He turned to me and then said.
"Goodnight"
My heart felt hurt and something I don’t know.
" It's okay, you can sleep here with me"
Ezriel looked at me as if I'm not joking or not sure. I just lay down and rolled my eyes at him.
" I'm not joking. Just come here if you want, if you Don want so okay. It's up to you"
I said then closed my eyes. After a minute I felt that he moved and lay down in bed. I tried everything I can do just to sleep but it didn't work.
This is frustrating.