TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide, and self self harm in this chapter.
Sang couldn't help but wince as she stood up a slight pain shooting through her legs. She had, to kneel in rice for longer times. It still didn't lessen the pain each time she had too, it left her muscles feeling sore and bruised.
She knew she wouldn't be able to wear a skirt for a while. Not unless she could cover up the marks.
"Go up to your room," Her father barely gave her a second glance as he took a seat at the dining table. The dinner she made had long since gotten cold. She knew he wouldn't bother heating it though to focused on whatever paperwork he had in front of him.
She didn't spare him any words, she wanted to ask him where he had been since the move. Why he couldn't spare a moment just a single moment to help her. Instead, he left her to move everything herself well her mother slept away and Marie didn't bother to give her the time of day.
It stung, maybe more so than the bruises on her body. Sure she had made dinner late but she couldn't help the smile that flickered across her face. Getting to see James was worth it, her heart flutters softly at the redhead.
The girl looked so drained but she kept that lopsided grin on her face, lighting up her eyes. Her beautiful grey-blue eyes that seemed to shine even brighter with the light from her window hitting them.
Freckles were scattered across her nose and cheeks, her pale skin was glowing despite the bags under her eyes.
Everything about her was beautiful, she was so beautiful. It hurt Sang's heart so much to see how little the girl realized it.
How quick she was to stand up for her..for one of them but when it came to herself she was so quick to take the blame.
How she seemed to think so lowly of herself that she was willing to...
A tear flew across her cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"What are you crying about?" Marie questioned pausing in the hallway casting Sang a look. Sang felt her heart speed up for a second.
Maybe Marie was willing to try and start there friendship again. When they were kids they were close but by the age of ten they just...drifted. She barely knew anything about her sister know and it hurt. It hurt so much, family was supposed to look out for one another.
Want to be there, share things like little laughs and secrets. Her mind flashed to the boys, they were all so close. They seemed to look out for each other, to care for one another. No questions asked if one of them needed the other they would be there.
"I uh a friend of mine..she was just so sad," Sang admitted her voice a low whisper as she moved closer to Marie. "I just want to help her."
It felt good to get that off her chest, it felt good to talk to Marie.
"Some people are just too broken," Marie said sadly her tone soft.
"I don't think so," Sang shook her head slightly, "I think she just needs someone to be there for her."
Marie sighed, "Not everyone is good Sang, you better be careful having friends." Her eyes flickered down to the girl's knees. "You don't want to get caught."
It wouldn't have been a big deal to anyone else but Marie and her barely talk anymore. Sang tried and tried but for a while, the other girl had just seemed to shut down. Maybe they could mend things. They could try and do better.
"I'm going out for the night," Marie said suddenly. Sang nodded un surly biting her lip.
"Be careful," Sang said quietly "I don't want you to get in trouble either.."
"Sure you don't." Marie snarled suddenly making Sang's heart drop. She watched sadly as Marie walked away.
The other girl didn't get punishments like her but that didn't mean mother was kind to her either. She could be quite mean, sometimes words were just as scared as bruises.
Sang shook her head turning to go to her bedroom. Maybe she would never have a relationship with Marie like she does with James. One where they would sit up all night and tell each other secrets and stories.
Maybe though, maybe Marie did care more for her then she let on. Sang hoped so at least because even though they weren't close she wanted the best for her sister. She didn't want her to shut herself out from the world and turn to drugs or drinking.
Sang sighed as she took a seat on the bed.
A soft smile crossed her lips, James liked her room. She didn't know why but that thought warmed her heart.
Her best friend liked her room.
Sang fell back onto the bed bringing the pillow to her chest and smiling into it.
She liked her room!
Sang squeaked feeling giddy inside.
She thought of how close they had gotten, they were inches apart. So close she wondered what it would be like if she was just a little closer...
Sang didn't have a lot of experience but she did read a lot. She read about love, about attraction. All the boys were gorgeous they looked like models she didn't know why they choose to hang out with her.
Sang was bland, a normal face no characteristics that stood out. Her hair was dirty blonde that fell in lose waves, and her eyes they were just a plain green. She wasn't anything special, mother had told her that time and time again and yet they all choose to spend time with her.
To want to be her friend and Sang she was starting too feel things for them...Sparks when they touched. Each moment with them had her heart racing and a smile on her face.
She was more then a little confused when she felt that for James too.
How she loved when the girl hugged her and held her hand. How her heart started racing when the girl kissed her cheek.
How could she feel for boys and girls? She didn't think she was attracted to other girls but Sang had never done anything. She had no experience.
A bigger question that sat on her mind was how could she feel something for all of them?
Sang sighed shaking her thoughts back to the pretty red head. Her scarlet.
Sang couldn't help think of all the moments that she read in romance novels where the guy catches the girl and they start to fall in love. How they feel an instant connection and sparks, she didn't think it was possible.
Then she felt it with them.
She felt it again when James started singing too her. The sparks she felt at that moment. It was like when they first bumped into each other at the mall. Sang felt nothing but chills.
The girl's voice was angelic, strong but so...pure. Beautiful.
The teasing smile the other had on her lips, even though her eyes were shining with- determination- hope?
They were so focused.
Sang couldn't help but wonder if that was a moment straight out of her books, the moment where they kiss for the first time. She shivered feeling goosebumps on her body. She wanted to know what it would be like to kiss James. To have the other press her thick lips against her own.
They were friends though...Were friends suppose to feel like this? Sang didn't know.
Her mind flashed to the cuts that lingered across the other girl's arms. She knew that the large one the started at her wrist and drew up to arm, it was too deep. The scaring was too much. James had tried to kill herself.
Her best friend.
Had tried to, Sang let out choked sob tears streaming down her face. Even if she had tried to wipe them it wouldn't have been quick enough.
James had tried to. She couldn't even finish the thought.
God, she couldn't imagine what kind of pain, her friend must have been going through-must be going through to cause her to.
Sang lurched forward slinging her door open, barely making it to the bathroom in time to throw up.
Her heart hurt so much at the thought of James being so alone, so isolated in dark thoughts that she would try and kill herself. The other girl didn't even seem to realize she was letting Sang no this when she lifted her sleeve.
Too focused on the new cuts on her arm. She was upset about Sang. She thought Sang would be mad at her for hurting herself.
She was worried about how Sang was feeling when she should be worried about how it was s easy for her to just...
God, it hurt, knowing how much her friend struggled and how little she could do to help the other girl.
She told her she was there for her, to listen to talk.
But if James was in that mindset, would she call?
She didn't not when she added those marks, she wasn't mad at James for doing it. She was just sad that she wasn't there to help her. To talk her down, to talk her out of causing herself more pain.
Sang squeezed her eyes shut as her stomach lurched again. The acid of her vomit hit her nose quickly. The smell strong making her crinkle her nose. Her throat felt sore, she hadn't eaten anything since an apple in the morning. Vomiting on an empty stomach didn't help.
If James was so emotional that she hurt herself who's to say she wouldn't again when she was in that state? What if she tried something more? Something worse?
She let out another sob covering her mouth tightly so mother and father wouldn't hear her from downstairs.
Sang had never felt depressed before, that type of sadness. She had felt sad before, sad that her family wasn't how it was before. Sad that she didn't get to have a normal father-daughter relationship. Sad that her stepmother would... Sad that Marie had left her behind, casting her looks and short words. She was sad she didn't have any friends, that she had never had the chance to make any until now that is.
She had never let that sadness consume her though, there was always something there. Something that made her smile or laughs. She had let books and music consume her, let her hideaway from the sadness for a while.
So maybe she felt sad but never...Never to the point where she didn't want to live. Or didn't want to keep going.
Maybe she was stupid but she was hopeful, that maybe one day her family would be what it use to be.
Maybe that's not what she needed though, her mind flashed to the guys and James. Maybe she shouldn't be focusing on her current family. She thought of how the guys made their own bonds there own ways to become a family. A band of brothers.
Maybe she could have her own family with them. Was that dumb? Wishful thinking? Lost hope, crave for something more?
Maybe but the more she thought of there smiles and kind words she couldn't help but wonder if they would want to be her family too.
They had shown her so much more in the past few days of knowing them then her family ever had.
That's why Sang new she would do everything in her power to help James realize that there's more. Even if you have nothing you can have...Hope. It's the one thing no one can take away from you. No one and she hoped she could give the other girl some.
Show her that it's there, you just have to find it. In the little things, the small things that can help make a day better. Maybe that'll help James realize that there's more to life than sadness.
Sang hoped she could help her because as happy as the girl could be one moment she could see the sadness that would overcome her. She didn't want it to destroy her.
She sucked in a breathe standing up on shaky legs, her mind flashed to James's arm again making her heart clench.
She didn't understand James's struggles but she would try, that way she could do everything in her power to help her friend.
🥀
"Sang? Is everything okay?" Kota's forest-green eyes were looking at her in concern. He was in sleep clothes, sweatpants, and a hunters green shirt. His hair was rumpled like he had just gotten out of bed but Sang couldn't find it in herself to apologize.
"You guys have to be more careful!" She exclaimed her voice no longer shaky but laced with anger. Someone needed to be there for James, to protect her. Comfort her fight for her.
He looked at her surprised his eyebrows furrowed together, "I'm confused what's-"
"When you get into fights with her- James you guys have to be more considerate! You can't just- just argue with her!"
Sang knew it was irrational to put the blame on them. But seeing James how angry she was how she put the blame all on her self that wasn't fair.
"Okay take a breathe," Kota said encouraging Sang to listen, she followed mimicking his movements. "Now what are you talking about? James and our's argument? We've talked about that, each of us we're all in understanding now there was a miscommunication-"
"No Kota you don't understand," Sang took a shaky breathe closing her eyes. She didn't want to lose James's trust, not about this. She had learned since the Greg thing to go to the other girl first. It was hard though keeping this to herself when James was in so much pain. She had to say something though they had to be more careful the guys they needed to know that it wasn't so simple. They couldn't just pull an argument and think it's forgiven.
Sang had done some research after her father had fallen asleep. She snuck on his laptop reading article after article about depression and anxiety. Trying to get a better grasp a better understanding.
"Feelings Of guilt and hopelessness."
"Panic attacks can often make a person feel as though they're dying."
"Constant worrying, trouble breathing, needing reassurance."
"Thoughts of death."
"If someone's depressed you want to make sure you give them reminders, that there, not a burden. That they can beat what there going through."
Sang blinked watching as Kota wipes away tears that were streaming down her face. "Help me understand." He begged. "Please."
Sang sobbed falling into Kota's arms, she sobbed for her friend. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed till she couldn't breathe.
It felt like she was choking like her lungs were coming down squeezing onto her tightly telling her this was the end.
She wondered if this is how James felt every time she felt a rush of panic shoot through her body.
"Symptoms of depression can be various, loss of sleep, appetite. Gaining weight, losing weight, headaches, insomnia, decreased energy, irritability, feeling anxious, empty.-"
"Symptoms of panic attacks include racing heart, feeling dizzy, sense of Terror, chest pains, sweating, breathing difficulties, loss of control-"
"Sang sweetheart you have to breathe okay? Focus on my voice."
"Feels like there having a heart attack, going crazy, feels like death, numbness, fear, fight or flight mode-"
She couldn't though her mind was racing. James struggles with so much and yet she could keep a smile on her face? Act like nothings going on?
"Anxiety can be silent, most people don't even notice it. On the outside, I'm composed but on the inside, it's hard to even focus on a simple task-"
"Happy and high functions of depression-"
She couldn't help but keep on crying, the thought of James actually trying to kill her self finally hitting her. The weight of it knocking her down in every sense of the world.
She mourning the losses that could have happened.
There was a chance that she could have been taken from her so much sooner.
The worst part about it is Sang and the guys would have never known. She would have gone about her days getting to know the guys.
Slowly starting to open up to them one by one. It would have taken her so much longer without the redhead there to support her.
She wouldn't have met Mr. Blackbourne or Dr. Green yet, hell she probably wouldn't have been as comfortable with them as she knew.
It would have taken her months to get used to them.
She would have never made a best friend.
James would have been lost to the world. Her scarlet. Suffering all alone.
Sang hated the very thought of it.
She had never felt this time of pure hatred before. Burning in her chest.
"Sang, Sang, calm down!" Kota shouted she hadn't even realized she had been hitting him. Banging against his chest in anger. He had gotten a grasp on her wrist's holding them gently.
"Oh no Kota I'm so so sorry!" She whispered the words throwing herself away from him. "I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay Sang, I swear it's okay, your okay."
"I'm sorry,"
"It's okay Sang I'm not mad."
She doesn't know when they made it into the house maybe he had carried her in before her panic.
"We have to be gentler with her Kota," Sang said grabbing onto his arm. "We have to, we know she's got anxiety. She blames herself for a lot when we argue fight you have to promise me. You have to promise Kota."
"I promise Sang," the words let the tension leave her shoulders completely she lent against him again. He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "I promise will be careful. We won't let anything happen to her. Or you, we promise. I promise."
Now Sang just had to figure out how to make sure James wouldn't let anything happen to herself.
My first chapter in Sang's view!! Ah! Sang, Mr. B, and Sean are currently the only ones who know James is/was depressed and attempted suicide.
The others have seen the marks on her palms, one form of self-harm that James does. They don't know that she's cut herself. They will eventually learn each other in their own way.
This is a little insight into how Sang is dealing with the fact. She doesn't want to lose James's trust but at the same time, she wants to protect her. Make sure she can't go down that path further but with not being able to tell the guys....she struggles.
Kota is picking up on it slightly, he might be thinking out the marks on her palm and think that's what Sang's referring too or he might be picking up on more...
She doesn't mean to take it out on Kota specifically. I hope that can be seen as the chapter finishes. What Sang's really angry about is the fact that she could have lost James with never meeting her.
And since she learns that James cut her self after her fight with the guys well... she was putting some blame on them. Not purposely Sang needed an outlet and they were an easy choice.
I think it shows a very human reaction on her part. When people don't understand things when we struggle..we can put the blame on others as an outlet.
The guys didn't know their argument would lead to James making pour choices but it did.
Sang is the only one who knows that is frustrating.
She's Frustrated at them for fighting with her.
She's Frustrated at herself for being the only person who knows.
Frustrated at James for not coming to her though she would never admit it.
It's hard but it's life and it's not easy.
Let me know what you think.
As always sorry for any grammar or spelling errors.