Annie-Marie & James Arthur: Rewrite the Stars
It felt like I'd just closed my eyes, but sunshine and the sound of my alarm was already waking us up. It would take us about five and a half hours to get to Portugal and the concert was at eight in the evening, so we'd have plenty of time to see a bit of Lisbon and have some tasty food before the craziness of the show rolled around.
"There's nothing more beautiful than the scenery around Spain, I'm telling you.", we drove through fields of orange and olive trees, cotton and lavender, all different colors and sizes but all magically endless. The wind whooshed through the cracked windows of the big SUV and melodies of Joni Mitchell filled the space between us. We didn't talk much, but it was a comfortable silence... if such a thing even existed. Harry would glance over at me every once in a while, as if he wanted to make sure I was still here. He had a strange ability to sense exactly when I retreated into myself, only this time he seemed unsure of what to do. I kept thinking how incredible the last couple of weeks were, how much fun we were having and how I truly didn't want it to end. Unfortunately, I was also thinking about what happens next... how we go about this from now on. Something shifted within me when we got in this car earlier today, I couldn't say what exactly, but my mind was running circles trying to figure out what felt different. I was so lost in thought and I hadn't even noticed we'd made it into Portugal and were a mere hour away from our destination. The scenery looked very similar to the one that followed us all throughout Spain, oranges and lavender. We got to the hotel fine and asked for restaurant recommendations at the reception, they kindly offered to make a reservation in our name for lunch. We dropped off our luggage and took a quick nap before leaving the room and braving the scorching hot Portuguese sun.
"I can tell why you love this part of the world so much, teacup, the food is to die for. I mean look at all of this... fresh shrimp, risottos, white wine, fruit for dessert, what more could I ask for?", Harry had a hard time picking which dish to dig in first, as they all looked and smelled spectacular. There was no way to leave Portugal or Spain with an empty belly.
"What's on your mind?", I thought it'd be nice if I were the one prodding his brain for his thoughts for once, instead of the other way around.
"You seem a bit off, is all. But we'll talk about it after the concert.", his voice wasn't as calm as it usually was and I sensed that tonight's conversation would force me to share more than I intended.
"Would you mind if I stayed at the hotel for this one, I'd like to pack everything up properly and get ready for my flight home tomorrow morning?", he nodded absentmindedly and I was beginning to dread him coming back after the concert.
Music was playing in the background and I was just finishing folding my clothes into the suitcase so I could fit all the souvenirs from all the places I visited during the tour, when Harry walked through the door. He looked happy but he was emotionally exhausted, and there was nothing I could do to stop what was coming. We spoke few words while he showered and I packed all of my toiletries up.
"What's up?", I couldn't wait any longer and just wanted to get this over with, because the suspense was killing me.
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Harry. Let's not beat around the bushes, you said there was something you wanted to talk to me about.", I joined him on the little balcony that offered a perfect view of the moonlit ocean.
"What's next? What happens now?", he turned even more serious all of a sudden.
"Now I go home and spend time with my family, after not having seen them for over a year."
"That's not what I mean and you know it. What happens after both our tours end?", he scoffed a bit when I tried changing the tone of the conversation.
"I have no idea what happens next! Life continues, I presume!", I snapped, but my reaction and my anger was completely misplaced. I was really angry at myself for trying to make it seem like I, the girl that always thinks three steps ahead, haven't thought about how we'd continue seeing each other when the craziness of the tour comes to a halt.
"I feel like you're not fully here with me. I am falling in love with you and you're not giving me firm ground to stand on.", he continued, and it was obvious he was getting frustrated with my lack of sincerity regarding this whole situation.
"That's not true! I travel with you, I spend time with your friends, we have sex and we kiss, we laugh and have a good time. What's more to give?"
"You! You have to give me you, the real one, the one that lays underneath the layers of fun and loving Thea. You can't half-ass this thing anymore.", his words really hit a nerve.
"Excuse me? I am not half-assing anything. It's really unfair of you to even think that. I am here, aren't I? What would you like me to do? Tell you I'm madly and deeply in love? Bare my complete soul? This is a fantasy, Harry. This isn't real life. I have a job and a life outside this, and it won't always be compatible with your schedule. You can't expect me to become someone else, just because we've been having fun together.", as soon as I said it, I realized there would be no taking it back.
"It's not a fantasy for me! I am falling in love with you and I feel like I'm alone in it. Sure you kiss me and you say nice things, you're passionate when we're intimate... but that does not constitute all a relationship is and can be. You must know this! How can I let go of my fears and give into this feeling when I'm not sure you feel the same? Do you know how hard it was for me to be away from you for a month and not hear a single 'I miss you' from you?"
"That's not me and you knew this going in! I can't force myself to show emotion, it doesn't come easy to everyone. I don't even know how we got into this mess in the first place. I was stupid to think this relationship would be smooth sailing with our lives and the work we do. What you're asking of me is a bit too much too soon, I'm sorry. We've known each other for six months. It took me a year after I met Josh to tell him I loved him. How could you expect me to dive head first into something that has the potential to break my heart into a million pieces?!", the argument was getting more heated with every word spoken and weren't close to a conclusion. I wasn't even sure there could be a unanimous conclusion after this mess.
"Because you trust the person you're in a relationship with! That's what it means, letting go of fears and learning to trust the other person with your heart! When you decide to go all the way with someone you can't just stop before the finish line and say, 'ah well, that's it, I don't have more to give'. It's more than just calling someone every day and having sex with them! When you're in a relationship with another person you get to know yourself through the relationship, you reinvent a part of who you are.", his voice cracked a bit at the end, and I felt like a ton of bricks just hit me. What the hell was I doing?
"It took me a long time to learn to love myself, for who I am and I don't want to change that, now that I've finally reached a happy place within me. What happens when things go sideways? When you meet someone else, someone that's willing to be all the things you need them to be? When we spend months apart, only seeing each other over phone screens? What happens then? When I change who I am completely, only to let you love me and we don't work out? How can I continue living my life after we fall apart?"
"This has already gone sideways; it seems to me. And it's not because my lack of trying. It's because you only think about this ending, before even giving it a real shot. Let's go to bed, this is pointless.", and we did the one thing I was always taught not to do... we went to bed angry. I kept tossing and turning constantly, finally falling asleep just to be woken up by a nightmare of a fight I was having with Harry in my dreams. Around three in the morning I finally gave up on sleep and spent the rest of the night sitting on the balcony, staring at the waves. The sun rose and he was still asleep. I got ready and left him a note saying I'd think about things while home and that I was sorry. His eyes fluttered briefly when I pulled the heavy door open, but he fought to keep sleeping.
I spent the three hours on the flight to Croatia just thinking about our fight, how we were completely fine and happy and then all of a sudden he felt the need to ruin our happiness with questions about what happens next. I was angry at him, but also at myself. I couldn't understand how I could've believed him when he told me we'd take things slow and see where it leads us. He was the most open person I'd ever met, very in touch with his emotions... it would've been impossible for him to continue without getting concrete proof that I felt the same. I understood that much. What I struggled with was how he thought that approaching the situation with an argument would get him to where he wanted to be. He must've known what he was getting himself into when we had that long chat in April, after New York.
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A/N: you're gonna kill me, I know, but trust that all will be well in the end... also, this song fits perfectly.
TPWK, always.
T