Author: Rhine
Trigger Warning: as stated in the title, there will be some mentions of a past abusive relationship
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You didn’t want to be scared anymore.
You didn’t want to have to check over your shoulder wherever you walked, a subconscious habit to see if he was trailing you; you didn’t want to tiptoe through your own house as if you were a guest and not an owner; you didn’t want to have to shrink into yourself so that he could grow bigger in your system, in your life until you had no more space for yourself.
You didn’t want to be the girl who had to wear long sleeves in the summer and cancel plans with friends because this bruise hadn’t healed yet; the girl who had to invest in concealer a little too much, the girl who sat in the corner of the bedroom, both fearing and yearning for a presence that was a little too familiar.
You didn’t want to be a diminished version of yourself anymore, a hollowed-out shell of what used to be a vibrant girl.
But it was hard.
It was hard to remember that you were once a girl who smiled with all her teeth and laughed at bad jokes; a girl who sang loudly in the shower without a care, a girl who ate dessert at two in the morning just because she wanted to.
It was hard to remember the girl you used to be when he would hiss into your ear this is who you are now, his breath hot and rancid in your ear as he snarled out insult after insult.
It was hard to pick yourself up after he kicked you down – he made sure you stayed down, he made sure you would never get up again – and it was even harder to look into the mirror the next morning and smile when all you could see was a dark bruise blossoming on your cheek where your wrinkles of laughter used to be.
And you thought it was you, you thought it was you who did wrong, you thought it was you who was at fault.
It must’ve been you – he wouldn’t have had a reason to treat you that way unless you did something wrong.
Right?
That’s what you told yourself, that’s what you believed.
Because he said he loved you, he said you were his dearest and he said he’d love you forever as he planted soft kisses where he would leave angry bruises the following night.
He loved you and he said it himself and you believed him and you believed yourself when you thought you had given him a reason to lay a single finger on you.
You were a little too rude to him. You were a little too flirty with his friends. You were too useless around the house.
You were lucky to have him.
It was your fault and your fault entirely and he was only telling you these things, he was only letting you know all of your wrongs so that you could fix yourself because he loved you and he only wanted to see you at your best.
You were his girl and he only wanted the best for you and he loved you he loved you he loved you.
You told yourself that as you gingerly rubbed ointment on your bruised legs.
He loves me.
You told yourself that after he’d pull on your hair enough to bring tears to your eyes.
He loves me.
You told yourself that after he’d leave you on the floor, his acidic words still seared into your mind, his handprints seared into your skin.
He loves me.
Right?
-
You aren’t sure when you started to lose yourself.
You couldn’t quite pinpoint the moment you started to fade, the moment your smile started to dim.
All you knew was that when you looked at old pictures of yourself, the smile you used to wear seemed so bright in comparison to the half-broken quirk you saw in the mirror every morning.
All you knew was that when you talked to friends or family, they spoke of you like you were a different person back then; someone whose description you couldn’t remember. Someone you didn’t know anymore.
All you knew was that the girl you became after him was someone else.
Someone you didn’t want to be.
You didn’t know when you stopped going out to see your friends, or when you stopped liking the things you used to or stopped laughing until your stomach hurt.
You didn’t know when you started needing him more, when he started becoming the centre of your thoughts, when he started to convince you with the words he hissed into your ear.
You aren’t sure when you started to lose yourself.
But you knew when you knew you needed to find yourself again.
-
It wasn’t easy.
It wasn’t easy cutting him out of your life when he was already a disease that overtook most of your body; viciously fighting the bits of you that made you you.
It wasn’t easy convincing yourself all you needed was yourself when he would growl I’m the best thing that your miserable, pathetic existence will ever have into your ear every night.
He had brainwashed you so, so well.
It wasn’t easy telling yourself that you didn’t need him; that you didn’t need anyone.
That there was once a time when you were happy to sleep alone on a bed meant for two because it meant more space for you.
But he had changed that. He forced you to shrink yourself, to make yourself smaller and smaller until you were clinging onto the edges desperately even when he wasn’t there.
But you wouldn’t be like that anymore. You wouldn’t wait for him to turn away from you at night when he remembered to come home in the first place, you wouldn’t crawl back to him after he left you on the cold, hard ground.
It wasn’t easy, but would do it.
You would go out with your friends again, you would read books that made you smile, you would dance along to music that made your heart lift.
You wouldn’t be afraid to get out of bed for a midnight snack, you wouldn’t be afraid to stay out a little later, you wouldn’t be afraid to wear that top that hugged you in all the right places.
Day by day, you started to remember who you were again.
And while he scared you, you stood strong and you braced yourself because you were tired of falling, you were tired of the floor and you were tired of crying.
You told yourself you deserved better.
And while you didn’t believe it at first, even the false words echoing in your mind gave you a shred of strength when you stood against him until the phrase wasn’t just a comforting lie anymore.
You believed it. You believed in yourself.
And one day, you packed up your bags and you left for good.
You vowed that you wouldn’t come crawling back to him.
You wouldn’t give in to his feather-soft kisses on your cheek when he mumbled I’m sorry in the morning only to hiss you’re worthless at night.
You wouldn’t cry yourself to sleep and you wouldn’t wake up with tearstains and bruises on your cheeks.
You wouldn’t shrink beneath someone when you were meant to grow and to spread your wings and fly.
You deserved better than that.
And he didn’t deserve you.
-
It took you a while to love someone again.
You had spent so long loving someone who clearly didn’t love you; you had wasted so many days lying to yourself and believing that love came in the form of hissed insults and purple bruises on your wrist.
You had to learn to love yourself again first.
And it took a while because you had barely escaped with the shreds of the girl you used to be and building yourself up again was confusing when all you had left was scraps.
It took a while but you slowly remembered your favourite songs that you danced to and you remembered the movies that made you cry and the foods that made you feel so good.
You remembered how you liked to wear your hair this way, and you remembered how much you loved wearing your makeup this way and how your closet had clothes that boasted the bits and pieces of the body that you had once loved, too.
You remembered who you were and you started to slowly smile a real smile in the morning and the bruises faded and so did your memories of a boy who once called you worthless.
It took a long time, but you learned to love yourself first.
Fully, wholeheartedly love the girl you are – every curve and every crevice, every flaw and every quirk.
Love yourself the way you deserved to be loved.
And then you met Calum.
-
You didn’t mean to fall in love with him.
He was just a friend – someone you met on your road to finding yourself again, someone who supported you for every step along the way.
He was just a friend who you could talk to at three in the morning when you couldn’t sleep, just a friend who bought you your favourite treats, just a friend who wrote songs about you to see you smile.
Just a friend that sat a little closer than normal to you, just a friend who gave you a shoulder to sleep on when you were too tired to watch another episode with him.
You didn’t mean to love him, but your heart had other plans.
You started noticing the smile in his voice and how it made you smile too; you noticed how he’d play with your fingers and you found yourself wishing they were laced with yours.
You noticed how your heart started to beat a little faster when he was around, how you hung on to every word he said, how his touch sent small shivers up your arms.
And all you could think was oh, no.
Because you were scared of loving him. You were scared of loving anyone again because the last time you fell for a boy, you fell hard onto the ground, bruised and battered and broken.
It scared you how you wanted to know how his lips tasted against your own, how you wanted to run your fingers through his hair or wanted his hands on you for longer than just a moment.
It scared you how you loved him.
But while it took you months and months and months of working up to loving yourself again, it only took you moments to fall for your friend Calum once you started seeing him in a different light.
It was just so easy to love him.
-
He told you he loved you, too.
You were overjoyed but you were fearful because while someone rejecting your heart hurt, having someone who accepted your heart and crush it in their hands would hurt more.
Just give me a chance.
What happened the last time you gave someone a chance?
I promise I’ll love you forever.
You made yourself the same promise.
You don’t have to love me today. Or tomorrow. I understand if you don’t ever want to love me at all – I just.. I just wanted to let you know.
You don’t think you heard that one before.
But when you’re ready.. when you’re ready, I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.
And you smile a small little smile because you’re so torn when it came to Calum Hood.
Maybe.
And your one little word made his lips split into a wide grin, the one that you loved so much.
I’ll take that for today.
Will you take that tomorrow?
I’ll take it forever if it means there’s even a chance.
Forever’s a long time.
You’re worth it.
-
You gave in.
It took two weeks of agonizingly debating over it in the dead of the night, of considering everything that went wrong the last time, of trying to convince yourself that this time would be different.
And you told yourself to push away your fears, to take a leap of faith.
You knew better this time.
You deserved better this time.
And Calum was better than the best, even if you wanted to deny it.
And you were madly in love with him, even if you were scared to admit it.
-
You were hesitant.
You were cautious, careful when it came to him.
You pulled back a little too early and you were a little too tense, a little too guarded.
He thought it was him – he never thought it was you, it would never be your fault again – and he asked you what was wrong. If he had forced you into something you didn’t want; if you didn’t want him.
So you told him.
You told him, in a distant and offhand voice that you were once a girl who fell underneath a boy who cut her down.
You told him, voice cold and words quick that your skin was once a canvas for red scars and purple bruises for a boy who didn’t know that he shouldn’t touch masterpieces.
And it all made sense.
It made sense to Calum, how you retracted from his touch or how you always slept on the very edge of the bed; how you didn’t say ‘I love you’ and how you were always stiff in his arms.
I’m sorry.
You shouldn’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. I – I’m sorry for being.. being like this.
Don’t be sorry. He was a jerk. I’m so proud of you for being so brave, for being so strong.
And while Calum was livid at the man who laid a hand on his girl – his girl, he likes the way that sounds – he still held you with gentle hands.
He told himself he’d be better because you deserved the best, and that if God forbid he ever cross paths with the jerk that caused you so much pain, he’d break him for shattering you.
He held you in his arms that night, his touch tender and warm until you finally melted into him, until you finally let yourself fall into the boy you loved so much.
And for the first time in a long time, you let yourself love someone again.
-
It was stupid.
It was a stupid fight over something you couldn’t even remember anymore; all you knew was that he was yelling at you and you were yelling back and that your voices were raised and overlapping one another until it was just a string of incoherent shouts.
Your throat was dry and your cheeks were red, frustration and anger seeping into your system.
He was equally as agitated, his eyes narrowed in fury, so unlike the usual tenderness that you were so used to in the past months of loving Calum.
His words were biting and low and you tried not to let it seep into your skin – you have thicker skin than this, you will not be hurt by words again– but they did anyways, because you loved Calum but his words showed anything but the same feelings you had for him.
You tried to not let it show, you tried not to let the tears seep into your eyes, you tried not to let your chin tremble. You refused to sink to the floor, your head held high despite your red cheeks and watery eyes.
He made his way towards you, his steps heavy and body tense, eyes still burning with anger and staring at you.
You started to shake at his every step because you remembered how he used to do the same to you, how he used to move towards you slowly with every step, trapping you against the wall until all you could see was the predatory rage in his pupils.
You hate how in the shadows of the night, Calum looks just like him with the same twisted fury in his eyes.
He takes another step closer to you until your backed against the wall, and you find yourself shrinking out of habit – out of a stupid habit you thought you had gotten rid of a long, long time ago.
Apparently not.
And you will yourself to stand tall, to stand brave – you will yourself to not shrink beneath his gaze, but Calum’s dark eyes look so much like his when he’s looming over you in the dark and it transports you back to the time when you’d sink onto the floor, fear spiking your system.
And you can’t help but to feel the same shards of fear seep into your skin again when Calum nearly pins you against the wall with his muscle-filled body.
And once the first bits of fear appear, the old panic and helplessness sets in soon after, almost on command like a package deal.
You thought you had overcome this, but seeing Calum like this was like never leaving the apartment whose floors you knew so well.
Out of the corner of your eye, you see Calum clench his fist, and the action sends a wave of terror through you.
Please don’t hit me.
Your words are small and you think Calum probably didn’t hear them because he never heard you when you begged him to stop.
But the words sends off an alarm in Calum’s head and he takes a few steps back, eyes widening in shock as all the anger seeps out of his body in a matter of seconds, the stupid argument forgotten.
All he sees is you, backed up against the wall, hands shaking and lips quivering, eyes threatening to spill with tears even through you’re still trying to stay strong and hold them in.
All he can register is that you were afraid enough to ask him not to hit you, that he scared you into thinking he would lay a finger on you, that you were close to cowering beneath him and his anger.
Oh god – oh my god, I – I’m so sorry. I.. I didn’t mean to – oh god. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
You’re trying to blink back the tears, still frozen in your spot and shaking, eyes avoiding his.
He hates how he made you like this. How he could even come close to resembling the man that once hurt you so much; the person Calum had vowed to never become.
I’m so sorry. I don’t – I don’t know what happened to me. Oh god. I –
His words are tripping and stumbling and he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to make your body stop trembling and his heart is plummeting as the guilt and self-directed anger starts setting in.
I would never hit you. Never. I want you to know that. I’d never lay a finger on you and I’m so sorry that I scared you into thinking I would. I would never hurt you. I never want to hurt you. Please.. please forgive me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
And the tears are starting to trail down your cheeks now, and Calum takes a few steps towards you, gingerly reaching out for you, carefully nearing you.
He hates how you flinch at his touch when his hands graze your arm, the small action shattering his heart into pieces.
Your body is tense and the tears are starting to flow freely out of your eyes, choked sobs escaping your lips despite your best efforts to keep them in.
He pulls you away from the wall and into his arms and you’re stiff and resisting him, but he still wraps you up in his embrace, holding you close.
You sob into his shoulder and you beat his chest with balled fists, biting his shoulder blades and trying to push him away.
But you slowly melt into him like you always do, and soon you’re crying into his shoulder and you hate how you can’t stop the stupid tears, how you can’t help but to cry out all the tears that you had to hold in from the previous times you couldn’t when he was around.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
He whispers the two words into your hair over and over again, and you notice how his words are shaking despite his sturdy embrace.
I love you.
He said that, too.
You hear a sharp intake of breath from Calum, his words firm after a moment’s pause of composing himself again.
I’ll show it to you. I’ll show you that I love you. I’ll show you that I love you in ways that that stupid idiot never could. Never will.
You’re silent except for the occasional sniffle.
They aren’t just words to me. I love you. I’ll prove it to you. I.. I’m sorry. I made a mistake and I’ll make it up to you. You deserve the best and I’m just a screw up. If you’ll give me a chance I’ll… I’ll do anything. I just want you know that I’d never hurt you like that idiot did.
You bury your head in Calum’s chest and you try to control your breathing. He holds you tight like he doesn’t want to let you go, like he doesn’t want you to slip away.
Calum?
Yeah?
I believe you.
I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
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