Solange October 9, 2016
I held Sarayah's hand between the two of mine, trying to forget how lifeless it felt. Every now and then I'd give it a quick squeeze, hoping to get a reaction, but nothing happened. I rubbed her hand softly, wondering how she could've done this to herself.
I replayed everything that had happened in my head. From the moment I'd seen Sarayah slumped on the street I'd known something was deeply wrong. Our trip to the hospital on confirmed what I'd already suspected. She'd needed help, and what had I done?
"Did I fail her, Jay?" I whispered.
He lifted his head to look up at me from Sarayah's other side, a confused expression on his face.
I looked back at Sarayah, the fluorescent light making her especially pale. "Did we fail her? We knew. We were the only ones who really knew, and we didn't do anything about it. Or, what we did do wasn't enough, right? Because we're here. I thought I was doing the right thing. I tried so hard to do the right thing, but I failed."
Jay reached over, grasping my hand with his free one, his right hand still firmly holding Sarayah's.
"You did everything you could for her."
I shook my head. "No, I left. I should've stayed." I blinked back tears. "She asked me to take her with me. But I left. I left her. And now..."
Jay kept his eyes on Sarayah. "No, if anyone should be taking blame, it's me. I'm her parent. You should've been able to leave her with me, knowing I would handle it." He shook his head. "And I was going to. That's what fucking gets me. I was handling it. I did my research. I had a great therapist lined up, and then we found out Sarayah was using. So, I stayed up all night finding the best rehab center. And then the next day..."
We sat silently, watching Sarayah.
"She's gonna wake up," I stated, uncertainty creeping into my tone.
"Of course she's gonna wake up," a familiar voice answered from the door.
My head instantly shot up. Mama stood by the door, her eyes trained on Sarayah. She took a deep breath before opening her arms. I hurried over to her, burying my face in her shoulder. The scent of her perfume enveloped me, making me feel like a small child again. Strangely, it was comforting. After a long moment, she let me go.
I grabbed another chair and brought it over to sit beside mine while Mama greeted Jay with a similar embrace. When he sat down, she stayed by his side, gently rubbing his back.
"She's going to pull through. You know that, right?" Mama asked him.
Jay wiped a few stray tears away, keeping his head down. After a second, he nodded. Mama sighed, patting his back a few times before turning to me.
"Where's your sister?"
I shrugged. "She was sitting outside the room last time I checked."
Mama raised an eyebrow. "Outside the room? Why not inside?"
I shook my head. "Because she's Beyoncé, and she's stubborn. I tried to get her to come inside but no luck."
Mama nodded to herself and walked over to sit beside me. She placed her hand over Sarayah's hand, giving it a quick squeeze.
"You're gonna pull through. And when you do, I'm gonna beat your little behind for worrying all of us."
Jay and I let out a light chuckle, shaking our heads. Mama winked at me, giving my cheek a light stroke. I noticed Bey standing in the doorway. Mama looked over her shoulder. When she saw Bey, she followed her out into the hall.
I wondered idly if I should get up, help Mama double team Bey so she would be forced to come inside, but I thought better of it. Bey needed Mama's comfort. I'd let them have their moment. After 10 minutes, Mama came back. I watched with open curiosity as she sat down beside me. She looked rattled. I raised my eyebrow, but she just shook her head at me.
"Where's Bey?" I asked, not taking the hint. Well, that's not true. I took the hint. I just returned it.
Mama avoided my gaze. "In the hall."
"You actually let her stay out there? I have to say, I'm surprised. I thought for sure you'd force her to come in. I was just about ready to help you."
She was silent. I frowned. "So, what did you guys talk about?"
"Would you leave me in peace, Solo?" She snapped, causing Jay to look up at us. "I would like to focus on my granddaughter right now if that's alright with you."
Understanding flooded Jay's eyes. I tried to catch his gaze, but he firmly shook his head, looking away, a clear expression of anger on his face. My frown deepened. What was going on? What weren't they saying? Mama was obviously uncomfortable with whatever had happened between her and Beyoncé. Normally I would just leave it alone out of fear of getting slapped, but something wasn't sitting right with me.
I stood up. "Okay, well you guys can keep being weird, but I'm gonna go check on my sister."
Mama turned to look at me, irritated. "She's a grown woman, Solange. You need to stop babying her."
I folded my arms. "I'm not babying her. I'm making sure she's alright, as I should." I glanced over at Sarayah. "Her daughter–her daughter is lying in a hospital bed."
"And who put her there?" Mama snapped, her eyes blazing.
Jay clenched his jaw. I studied him and Mama for a second before deciding I was better off asking Bey myself.
I walked out of the room and looked down the hall. My eyes widened. Beyoncé was crying on the floor, her head pressed against the tile. I rushed over to her, crouching in front of her the same way I'd done for Sarayah.
"Bey! Hey, don't lose hope. Sarayah's gonna pull through. She's stubborn like you, remember?"
She shook her head. "I killed her, Solo. I killed my own daughter," she moaned, rocking back and forth.
I scrunched my face up. "No, you didn't. Why would you even say that? She's alive, and she's going to pull through. You're spiraling."
Bey shook her head vehemently. "I pushed her away. I kept pushing her and pushing her, and then even after I knew she was an addict–"
She broke off, sobbing. I held her close to me, trying to figure out what to say. After all, she had a point, but playing the blame game wasn't going to do anyone any good. Not me, not Jay, not Sarayah. So, I started speaking.
"Okay, you pushed her. You said some really hurtful things, but your actions told a different story. When you found out she was an addict, you purged the house. Tried to find a way forward–"
"Purged the house..." Beyoncé raised her head, looking me in the eye. "Where do you think she got the drugs from, Solo?"
I blinked a few times. Thrown off by the question. I hadn't really thought about it. I'd just assumed she'd brought them back from wherever her kidnapper was keeping her.
"Bey," I whispered, shaking my head.
"They were mine. I may as well have shoved them down her throat myself. I knew she was an addict, and I still kept them around."
I felt a wave of hot anger rise up, but when I looked into Bey's eyes, I crumbled. She already looked so broken.
"Is this why you haven't been in to see her?" I asked, piecing everything together.
Bey nodded. "I don't deserve to be around her."
"Honestly, this whole thing is real fucked up, but you haven't exactly been in the right state of mind lately. You've clearly got your own issues to work out. I'm not even surprised you didn't get rid of your stash. Jay should've gone through your things and made sure it was all gone."
She blinked a few times. "You don't hate me?"
I narrowed my eyes. "You really think I'd hate you? You're my sister. I'll always love you, dumbass."
Bey lunged forward, hugging me. I rocked back on my heels, falling to the floor. "Woah, okay there."
I stood up, helping her stand. "All right, Dumbo. I think it's high time we all start healing. And that starts with you visiting your daughter."
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Ok...just take this too. It's so short idec. Have it 😂 but like, seriously guys. I may or may not take a long break after the next update. Or the next. I can't remember. But yeah. It's a Christmas break yay! In my heart. And this book. Ok byeeee ✌🏽