Solange October 1, 2016
I trembled in my seat, trying to remind myself that Beyoncé was my sister, and violence was not the answer. But it took every ounce of strength in my body to not leap across the table and beat the shit out of her. Kelly, noticing my rage, put her hand on mine and squeezed tightly.
I ran my tongue over my teeth. "This is exactly why I'm taking her from you."
Blue looked over at me, alarm on her face. "You're taking 'Rayah?"
My face paled. Mama glared at me, before turning to Blue. "No, of course not. Why don't you go play with Aunty Chelle? She told me you haven't shown her your new dolls."
Michelle smiled and nodded at Blue. "Yeah, let's go play."
She walked around the table to take Blue's hand, but Blue kept staring at me, completely still. "You can't take her."
When Michelle reached down to pick her up, Blue threw herself onto the floor, pounding her fists on the hardwood. We all watched, surprised. Blue didn't throw temper tantrums. She caught an attitude, often, but she rarely raised her voice.
"YOU CAN'T TAKE HER! NO! NO! NOOOOO!" Blue screamed. Michelle picked her up, but Blue fought against her, throwing her head back, wailing.
Beyoncé and Jay tried to calm her down, but that just made her scream more. Eventually Kelly got up and scooped Blue into her arms, quickly walking out of the room. Michelle looked lost for a second but followed Kelly's lead out of the room. I could still hear Blue's cries echoing in the halls for a few seconds before a door shut. Jay turned to me, his eyes narrowed.
"Why would you say that?" He demanded, his face red. "Now Blue's gonna think Sarayah's leaving again."
I sighed tiredly. "Okay, I'm sorry about that. I admit it was wrong. I honestly wasn't thinking. BUT that doesn't change the fact that I'm taking her."
Beyoncé shrugged, her attention back on her food. "Okay."
Jay looked over at Beyoncé. "Are you serious? She wants to take our daughter, and that's your response?"
"What?" Bey asked. "She wants her, and Sarayah's always liked Solo more than me so whatever. They can have each other."
Jay made a face. "You're gonna let someone take your daughter out of jealousy?"
Beyoncé set her fork down, looking at Jay. "Jealousy?" She chuckled. "Jealousy. No. That's not it. I just see a pattern. Sarayah doesn't like something, she up and leaves. If she stays here, she's not gonna like it. So, she may as well leave with Solo now instead running away later."
I looked over at Jay, catching his eye. "See? This is what you want Sarayah around. This behavior. This thought process."
Mama reached over and took my hand. "I know you love Sarayah, but you can't help her right now. You have to think of Julez."
I narrowed my eyes at her. She had the nerve to bring up Julez, knowing damn well she was part of the reason he wasn't with me. If Mama had dealt with Beyoncé, I wouldn't have had to uproot my whole life to help her. She even said it herself.
I took a deep breath. "I can take care of both Sarayah and Julez."
Mama shook her head sadly. "No, you can't, Solo."
"Yes, I can, Mama–"
"Solo," Mama interrupted me, a serious look on her face. "I spoke to Daniel earlier. He's been trying to reach you all day. Did you know that?"
I sighed. "Yes, I knew. I'll deal with it later."
"No, you need to deal with it now."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Now is not the time. It can wait–"
"Solo," Mama cut in. "He's threatening to take you to court for full custody. Permanently."
I blinked in shock. Beyoncé looked over at me, her eyes wide. She pursed her lips. "Well, looks like someone isn't so perfect after all."
Jay, surprisingly, frowned at her. "Don't."
I didn't even have the energy to snap back at Bey. Daniel was going to try to take Julez from me? Now? We had never fought over Julez. Daniel knew how close I was to my son, and he was always willing to take the backseat. Don't get it twisted though. Daniel was a great father. He helped out whenever he could, visited as much as possible, and every year he would take Julez on special father-son trips, but the rest of the year was mine. I decided what happened in Julez's day-to-day life. I set boundaries. I drove him to and from school. I raised him. Daniel may have been Julez's father, but Julez was my son.
"He," I began, choking on my words. "He wants to take my son?"
Mama squeezed my hand. "He thinks Julez hasn't your main priority, and he's not wrong. I'm not saying it's fair, but you've had to focus on taking care of Bey for a solid month." She paused, considering her next words. "He could take you to court for this, and...he might win. Especially if you try to take responsibility for Sarayah."
I rested my head in my hands. I couldn't believe Daniel would do this to me. He was going to make me choose, and really, there was only one choice. Mama rubbed my back.
"Sarayah will be fine here. I promise."
I stood up abruptly. "I–I can't be here right now."
I grabbed my jacket and my keys, hurrying out to my car. I drove around for a while, trying to think of a way out of this. There wasn't one. I made a few stops picking up a couple things before heading back to Bey's house. When I got back, Mama tried to talk to me, but I wasn't in the mood. I went to Beyoncé's room and grabbed the box she kept in her nightstand. I shoved it into the gift bag I'd gotten and walked to Sarayah's room. I knocked lightly. I opened the door and poked my head in. Sarayah was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling, an ice pack resting on her face. She looked over at me and sighed, looking back up at the ceiling.
"Hey, pipsqueak." I smiled, shutting the door behind me.
"Hey," she said, her voice soft.
"I wanted to come up earlier, but I thought you might want space," I explained, walking over to lie beside her on the bed.
"Yeah, I did. Thanks," she said, moving over to make space for me.
I stayed silent for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. I could feel her pain radiating off her. All I wanted was to make her feel better. But I didn't know how.
"You know, besides Julez, I think you might be my favorite person," I admitted.
Sarayah let out a disbelieving breath. "No offense to Julez, but you have low standards."
I looked over at her. She was still looking up at the ceiling, but I could see tears gathering in her eye. I stroked her cheek lightly.
"The opposite actually." I corrected. "You're an amazing person, and I feel so lucky to be a part of your life. Like Julez, you were a completely unexpected surprise. A gift I could never have even fathomed to ask for."
Sarayah turned her head to look at me, her right eye glistening. "I really want to believe you." She looked back up at the ceiling. "But I can't stop thinking that...that maybe...maybe I deserved–"
"STOP." I snapped, my breathing picking up. I turned on my side to face her, but she refused to look at me, focusing on the ceiling.
"You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. NO ONE deserves that. No one. You deserve happiness. You deserve peace. Don't you–" My voice gave out. "Don't you ever think you deserved this. Because you couldn't be further from the truth."
I lay back down, wondering how on earth I was supposed to leave her. I thought I'd at least be able to spend a couple weeks with her before I left. But Daniel. That fucker. Daniel would never let that happen.
"Solo?" Sarayah asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.
"Hm?" I answered, distracted.
Sarayah hesitated for a minute. I raised my eyebrow, turning my head to look at her. She was chewing on her lip, her eyebrows furrowed.
"Do you think that–Do you think that maybe, if you have space, and you're not too busy–" She took a deep breath. "Do you think I could stay with you? For a bit? It's just that–Beyoncé doesn't really want me here, and so I thought maybe, since we get along–you and me–maybe it could be cool if I stayed with you?"
Every word was like a stab to my chest. Sarayah wanted to come with me. She was asking to come with me. I'd promised she could, and she was asking now. Pleading. The desperation in her voice was heartbreaking. Before, she'd managed to last a month with Beyoncé without asking me to come once. And now, after spending 20 minutes with her, it was too much. She couldn't take it. So, she wanted come with me. The aunt who had promised to be her salvation. Her peace.
I stared up at the ceiling, fighting back a wave of tears. How could I do this to her? I swallowed hard and took a deep, shuddering breath. I sat up, folding my legs beneath me. Sarayah looked up at me, saw my somber expression and placed her ice pack in her lap, slowly sitting up. She leaned her back against the headboard, seeming to prepare herself for what I was about to say.
"Sarayah," I began.
"Never mind," she hurriedly said, brushing me off. "It was a dumb idea anyway. It wouldn't have worked out."
I reached over and took her hand, but she turned her head away, hiding her face.
"Sarayah," I said brokenly. "Sarayah, I would love nothing more than to have you with me. Believe me. It's just that, right now isn't a good time."
She nodded, still not looking at me. "Okay."
"I don't have custody of Julez right now and his father is threatening to take him away, so I can't–"
She kept nodding, using her free hand to wipe her face. "I understand."
"I wish–" I shook my head, wiping my own tears away. "I wish it could be different."
"It's okay, Solo. It's really okay."
I rubbed her hand gently, wishing with everything in me that I had something good to tell her. Suddenly I remembered why I'd come in the first place. I reached over the bed and grabbed the gift bag I'd brought with me, placing it between us.
"I got you something. Well, sort of."
Sarayah glanced at the gift bag, her head still turned. After a minute, she wiped her face on the sleeve of her sweater one final time before turning to face the bag. I could still see the sadness in her eye, but there was also a hint of curiosity.
"What is it?" She asked, her voice dejected.
I tried for a smile. "What's the point of the bag if I'm just gonna tell you what's in it?" I put the gift bag in her lap. "Go on. Look."
Sarayah sighed, reaching into the bag. She had a wary look on her face as she pulled out a phone with a pale gold case. She raised her eyebrow.
"What's this?"
I smirked. "It's a phone, dummy."
She made a face. "Yeah, thanks, but why are you giving it to me?"
I looked at her, surprised she hadn't realized already. "Well, because I want you to call me, and I thought what better phone to use than your own."
Sarayah looked at it closely, realization dawning on her face. "Oh, this is the phone Beyoncé got me, isn't it?" She turned it over. "I never actually got to use it."
I nodded. "Yeah, she never cut it off, so it still works." I reached into the bag and pulled out the original box. "The charger and earphones are in here."
Sarayah accepted it, hesitant but grateful. "Thank you."
I blushed. "I didn't really do much. I just took the phone out the box and put it in the case. Oh, and I guess I got the gift bag too. But that's it." I chuckled sheepishly.
"Thank you for the bag," Sarayah said slowly, her eyes dancing in amusement. My heart soared. But just as quickly as it came, the look was gone. I smiled softly. It had still been there, though. And that's what mattered.
"You know," I started. "You should call that person that had you smiling all wide that day. Remember?"
Sarayah raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Huh?"
"Oh, come on. You remember. You were so happy," I prodded. "Your gums were all shining. How can you not remember?"
She made a disgusted face. "Why do you have to put it like that?"
I laughed. "Because they were. Your smile was so wide, I thought your face was gonna split open."
She frowned at my imagery, but then she grew thoughtful. "Nevaeh. Her name is Nevaeh. Or Vaeh. She's–" She looked down sadly. "She was my best friend. Her and Kai."
"Vaeh," I mused. "You should call her. I put my number in your phone so you can call me too, but I want you to have as many options as possible. I don't want you to feel alone or abandoned."
Sarayah nodded, the distant look returning to her eyes. "When are you leaving?"
I sighed. "I don't know. I have to get to Daniel as soon as possible, smooth everything out. So, probably in a few days."
She nodded again. "Oh."
I scooted over to Sarayah, pulling her into me. "You can call me whenever you want. Any time you feel upset. I'll pick up. And in a few weeks or so, if you still want to come live with me, I'll figure something out. Daniel can threaten me all he wants. I won't abandon you."
I kissed her forehead, stroking her hair. Sarayah nuzzled into my neck, holding on tightly. I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt small sobs shake her body. She quieted after a while, her breathing slowing down, becoming deeper. I stayed with her until she fell asleep. I watched her for a few minutes before carefully extricating myself from her. I tiptoed back to my room, preparing to have a heated chat with my ex-husband.
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Oooooo. Somebody's in troooouble. Anyway, hope this made up for my lateness. I feel like it did. But low key...the next update might be late 😬 idk. I have a busy week ahead of me. But I'll try. Ok byeeee fr this time ✌🏽