Sarayah October 1, 2016
I carefully peeled the gauze off my skin, wincing. The blood had dried, making it stick to my chest. I took a washcloth out of the cabinet and wet it. I gently applied it to the gauze. It came off more easily. When I finished, I glanced down at my breasts, unable to stand looking at them too long. The bleeding had stopped. That was all I needed to know.
I pulled down my underwear with my pants. There were long scratches down my thighs, dark bruises punctuating the points where he had dug his fingers into my skin. I looked away. I wondered if I'd ever be able to look at myself without feeling disgusted.
I walked over the bathtub. I wouldn't be able to handle a shower. I filled up the tub, keeping the temperature lukewarm. I eased myself in, gasping when the water lapped at my chest. I gripped the edges of the tub and squeezed my eyes shut, riding the pain out. I glanced down when the worst of the pain subsided. The water was tinged pink.
I gently moved the cloth along my body, slowly and methodically removing my blood. My vision blurred. A droplet of water fell into the tub. I frowned at the ripple. Another one joined it. And another one. I touched my face, realizing I'd started to cry again. I stared down at my fingertips, wet from my tears.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air, my chest contracting quickly. I covered my face with my hands, trying to block out reality.
"It was just a bad dream," I told myself, trying to believe it. "It was just a bad dream. It wasn't real. I'm okay."
After a few minutes, my breathing slowed down. I went back to cleaning myself. When I was done, I stood up slowly, supporting myself with my arms. I stepped out of the tub, carefully. I waited until I was sure I was steady, before I grabbed a towel and waddled out of the bathroom. I sat on my bed, looking around while I put on lotion. Nothing had changed. No one had moved anything. It was like life had paused in here while I was gone. I'd never felt so out of place.
I put on my loosest clothes then sat on my bed again, unsure of what to do. I knew they would be expecting me downstairs, but that was the last place I wanted to be. They would have questions. I couldn't tell them the truth. What would they think of me? I didn't want to know. I already knew what Beyoncé thought of me. That was enough hurt to last me several lifetimes.
"I shouldn't have come back here." I whispered.
I wasn't even sure why I'd come back. I guess some part of me had been hoping that Beyoncé regretted what she'd said, that once she heard I'd come back, she would run out to get me. Hug me. Maybe cry. We would finally have our emotional reunion. The reunion that never happened because I'd been too stupid to realize what I had right in front of me. This time it would be different, because this time I came out of my own free will. This time I wanted to be here. But this time she didn't want me here.
I chuckled humorlessly. "How sad is that?"
Someone knocked on the door. My heart sped up.
"It's me, Sarayah. Can I come in?"
My heart dropped. It was just Solange. I mentally cursed myself for getting my hopes up.
"Yeah, come in." I answered.
She opened the door and smiled at me. It was tinged with sadness. I frowned. She knew something.
"So, now that you're back, we have to go through the whole process again. Police, hospital etc. etc."
I sighed, feeling more tired than I ever had before. "Can we do that tomorrow?"
Solo shook her head. "No, we can't. You need to get checked out. Plus, you have some time sensitive information. These things need to get done as soon as possible."
I looked away. The hospital. They'd examine me. They'd know. I shuddered, subconsciously wrapping my arms around myself. Solo walked over to me and crouched down to look into my eye.
"Sarayah," Solo said, her voice so gentle it hurt. "Clearly something horrible happened to you–"
"I was jumped," I cut in, not wanting to hear any more. "It was dark, and I was jumped. It was after I brought Blue back. I didn't know where else to go, so I came here. That's all I remember, so please stop asking questions."
"Okay, fine. No police today, and no more questions. But you have to go to the hospital. Just by looking at you, I can see you need a doctor. This isn't a debate. You're going."
"Solo–"
"Sarayah." She held my chin and forced me to look at her. "Look at me. Do you see how much I love you? I love you so much it hurts. So, if it means helping you, I swear to God, I will drag you kicking and screaming to that hospital if I have to."
I sagged in defeat. There was no way out of this. I was going. The doctor would examine me, and then everyone would know. When they'd look at me, they'd see what I saw. There would be no escape.
I limply held out my arm to Solo, and she slung it over her shoulder. She stood up, taking me with her. I leaned on her as she helped me down the stairs and into the car. She got into the driver's seat and we took off. Just me and her. No one else. We sat in silence for a few minutes until I couldn't take it anymore.
"Is Beyoncé coming?" I immediately hated myself for asking, for the vulnerability in my voice.
Solo looked over at me, and I knew. Her face said everything. "No, I'm really sorry."
I nodded and turned to look out the window. At least she wouldn't know.
"But Jay's gonna meet us down there," Solo continued.
I frowned. "He's gonna be there while they...look at me?"
She frowned. "No, we'll wait outside. We're just here to support you."
"Oh, okay," I mumbled, thinking. Maybe they didn't have to know.
We were silent for the rest of the ride. We pulled up to the hospital 20 minutes later. Solo helped me out of the car and into the hospital, quickly finding me a wheelchair. We took the elevator up to a private floor. Jay was sitting in a chair, fidgeting with his hands. He stood up when the elevator doors opened. He rushed over to us, arms out. Solo held out a hand, stopping him in his tracks.
"She's hurt. Be gentle."
He frowned and held my shoulders, inspecting me. "Who did this to you, Angel?"
I immediately yanked myself out of his grip, surreptitiously wiping the spots where his fingers touched me. I pretended not to see the hurt in his eyes, glancing away.
Solange gave me a suspicious look but decided not to pry. She turned back to Jay, scowling. "You can ask your questions later. Right now, let's just let the doctor do her job."
They had a silent stare off. I watched the altercation with mild interest. Solange wasn't my dad's biggest fan, but she was still cordial with him. Now she looked outright aggressive, like she was on the verge of punching him in the face. After several tense moments, Jay moved to my other side to walk with me to the room. I forced myself to bear his presence, reminding myself that this was my father. He wouldn't hurt me.
Jay and Solo helped me out of the wheelchair and onto the bed. I leaned back, relieved to have Jay's hands off me. A woman in a white coat entered soon after. She had her hair in a severe looking ponytail, but she had a kind smile.
"Hi Sarayah, my name is Dr. Marsh. I'm not sure if you remember me from your last visit."
I scrunched my face up. In all honesty, I was in a daze when I first arrived at the Knowles-Carter household. Everything happened so fast. Most of it was a blur. She was looking at me like she expected me to remember though, so I just nodded and smiled.
She chuckled as if she didn't believe me. "It's okay if you don't. It must have been a difficult time for you."
I nodded appreciatively. Not many people acknowledged the complexity of my situation. I decided that I liked her, memory or not.
"So, are you doing the checkup?" I asked, ready to get this over with.
Dr. Marsh nodded. "Yes, would you like your aunt in the room for the examination, or would you feel more comfortable if it was just us?"
I glanced over at Solo before looking back at Dr. Marsh. "I think it would be better if it was just the two of us."
Dr. Marsh nodded, and Solo and Jay got up, giving me reassuring smiles before they left. Dr. Marsh closed the door behind them and turned to me.
"Okay, so–"
"Is this confidential?" I asked, interrupting her.
She looked flustered for a second. "Uhh, well that's a complicated issue. Confidentiality is tricky when it comes to minors. If there is a serious diagnosis or treatment requirements, we notify the parents. However, generally I try to keep sensitive information confidential."
I looked down at my intertwined fingers. "I don't want them to know."
Dr. Marsh peered at me for a minute before kneeling in front of me. She reached out and took my hands in hers. I looked into her eyes.
"I will only disclose information that I believe will affect your health. They don't have to know anything else." She smiled. "I've never been much of a gossip."
I gave her a small smile. "Thanks."
She nodded. "Of course." She stepped back from me, giving me space. "Okay, now, because of your injury, I think a full examination is best. So I'm gonna get you a gown to change into before we start. Is that okay?"
I nodded, understanding.
She went to a drawer and pulled out a hospital gown. She handed it to me and pulled the curtains around my bed shut. I changed out of my clothes and into the gown. I struggled to close the back for a minute, before she told me not to bother. I lowered my arms gratefully as she pulled back the curtains, smiling kindly.
"I'm going to start with your eye. It's a little worrying." She lightly touched the area around my eye. I tried not to flinch. She sighed.
"Well, the bad news is, I'm 90% sure you have a blowout fracture. The good news is, it doesn't require surgery. You should see a specialist though, just to make sure. I'll give your aunt the information for a follow up. In the meantime, you can use ice to decrease the swelling."
She leaned back. "Okay, now if you'll slip your gown over your shoulders, we can get the uncomfortable part over with." She held up her stethoscope.
I cringed slightly. She had no idea. I hesitated for another second before I pulled the top of the gown down to rest in my lap. Dr. Marsh's eyes widened for a quick second before she regained her composure. She cleared her throat, struggling for words.
I looked down at my hands, folded tightly in my lap. "I–I was jumped last night. I didn't have anything to take care of the...cuts."
Dr. Marsh nodded slowly. I could practically see her thoughts. No knife could've made the wounds on my chest.
"Okay," she began hesitantly. "Well, I will clean and dress the wounds for you. It'll sting, but I will try to be as gentle as I can."
And she was. She was painfully gentle, taking as much care as she could. Every touch was an apology, every dab an expression of sympathy. She didn't even know me, and yet, she cared. I chewed the inside of my cheek, pushing down my tears. When she was done, she looked up at me, worry in her eyes.
"All finished," she declared.
I slowly pulled the top of the gown up, avoiding her gaze. "Can I go now?"
I heard her hesitating. "Sarayah, these wounds–"
"I was jumped." I cut in. I couldn't hear her say it. She could know all she wanted, but she couldn't say it.
Dr. Marsh sighed. "Okay, but in cases like this I have to ask if you would like me to perform a rape ki–"
"I wasn't," I interrupted her, shaking my head. "I wasn't. I was jumped."
"Okay, Sarayah, okay," Dr. Marsh said, placing her hands over mine. She gave them a comforting squeeze. "Take three deep breaths for me. I'll do them with you."
I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. I did that two more times, still watching her. When we were done, she nodded.
"Good. Now, we don't have to do the kit if you don't want to. However, I think it would be best if I examined your vaginal canal for any tearing you may have sustained when you were–" My eyes widened. " –when you were jumped. Is that okay?"
I closed my eyes for a second, then nodded. I swung my feet onto the bed and leaned back.
"Sarayah," she called softly.
I opened my eyes to see her looking at me, a sympathetic expression on her face.
"I'm going to need you to open your legs."
I nodded. I took a few deep breaths, trying to release the tension in my legs. After a few seconds, I shook my head at her, my eyes watering.
She took off her gloves and put her hand on arm, rubbing gently. "Hey, it's okay. It's okay. We're doing this on your time. When you feel comfortable, we can start."
She held my hand between two of hers, tracing small circles on my palm. We stayed like that for a long time, but eventually I relaxed. I looked over at her and nodded. She smiled and went back to the end of the bed. I stared at the ceiling as she felt around. After a few moments that felt like hours, she stood up, taking off her gloves again.
"You have some tearing down there. You'll need a few stitches."
"Stitches," I repeated, numbly.
"Yes. And, in light of everything, I think we should also take a blood test. Just to make sure I'm not missing anything. Normally I would let you do this another day, but I think it would probably be better to get everything over with today."
"Yeah," I answered softly. "That would be better."
Dr. Marsh grabbed a stool and sat beside me. I held out my arm for her to take. She paused when she saw the needle marks Alison had made, but again, she didn't comment.
Dr. Marsh was very precise. I barely felt anything when she put the needle in my arm. The whole thing was over before I knew it. She stood up and smiled at me sympathetically.
"I've done everything I can do for you without getting your parents' consent. However, I have to tell them you need stitches."
I nodded, trying not to cry. She gently touched my arm. "I'll keep them out there for as long as you need. Remember, we do this at your pace. You get to decide, okay?"
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes. I nodded, and she gave my hand another squeeze before standing up. I watched her walk out of the room to inform Solange and Jay about my condition. After a minute, I heard a wordless shout. I couldn't see them, but I could imagine the looks on their faces. The horror. The disgust. A feeling of shame welled up in my stomach.
The door opened and I whipped my head up, afraid that they'd barged in, but it was just Dr. Marsh. She'd kept her promise.
She smiled at me. "This shouldn't take very long."
It didn't. She gave me some local anesthetics and swiftly stitched me up. Once she was done, she closed the curtains to give me privacy. I didn't really see the point since she'd just been inside me, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I slowly pulled on my clothes.
When I was done, she pulled the curtains back and handed me a piece of paper. I looked at the scribbles, raising my eyebrow.
"It's a prescription for painkillers," Dr. Marsh explained. "Nothing too strong, but it should help you feel more comfortable."
Her gaze flickered down to the needle marks on my arm before settling on my face. "I have to ask, are you taking any other forms of medication?"
She searched my face, but I kept my expression neutral. "I took a few painkillers earlier, after..."
Dr. Marsh nodded, understanding. "Okay then. Don't take anything else for another four hours." She smiled and handed me a sheet of paper. "I'm going to let your family in now, if that's okay."
I nodded, and she patted my hand before walking over to the door. Solo and Jay immediately rushed to my side.
I kept my head down. "Don't tell Beyoncé."
Solo shook her head. "I have to–"
"No. It's my body, my decision."
Solo looked at me, a million questions on her lips, but I looked away, avoiding her gaze. Thankfully she took the hint and didn't push. Jay had his fists clenched the whole way to the car. It looked like he was barely containing his rage. Even though I knew his anger wasn't directed at me, I couldn't help the spikes of fear I felt every time he got too close. When we got to the car, he reached down as if to help me, and I flinched. Seeing the interaction, Solo cut in front of him and helped me into the passenger seat herself. When I was buckled in, Jay crouched beside me. I kept my eyes forward.
"Who?" Jay asked.
I briefly saw an image of Chris grinning down at me. I shuddered. "I was jumped," I mumbled, pushing away the memory.
Jay gripped my headrest. "The stitches."
I dug my nails into my palms, squeezing my eyes shut. "I was jumped."
"The stitches–"
"I WAS JUMPED. I WAS JUMPED," I yelled, tears finally escaping.
Silence filled the car. The sound of my heavy breathing, the only interruption. Jay hung his head. After a minute he nodded, looking up at me.
"I need to take some time to calm down, but I'll meet you back at the house okay?"
I nodded in response, and he leaned down to kiss my forehead. I recoiled from him, and he paused, looking concerned. He nodded and stood up without another word. I watched as he walked away, shoulders tensed. I stared out the front window, waiting for Solange to start the car. When she didn't, I looked over at her. She was staring into space, an unreadable expression on her face.
Suddenly she turned to look at me. "Do you want to go on a drive?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Uh–okay. Yeah."
She smiled, putting the car in drive. "Okay."
She drove us out of the city, sticking to back roads. I watched the houses whip by, wondering what kind of people lived inside. A nice wife, a helpful husband? Maybe they had a pet. A dog, or a cat. They might even have a kid or two. Maybe they tucked their kids in. Read them bedtime stories. Wished them sweet dreams knowing the scariest thing they'd be afraid of was an imaginary monster lurking underneath their bed. Easy. It was all so easy.
"Peace," Solo randomly spoke, interrupting my thoughts.
I looked over at her, confused.
"Peace," she continued, as if we were in the middle of a conversation. "That's what I wished for you all those years you were gone. I was hoping you were in one of these houses, living a peaceful life."
I looked out the window again. "Funny, in a way I was. For a while."
"Peace," she repeated. I felt her take my hand. I looked over at her to see her eyes already on me.
"I believe in speaking things into existence." She looked ahead again. "If I say it enough, if I believe it enough, it'll happen. So...Peace," she finished with conviction, squeezing my hand.
I looked at her, thoughtful. After a second, I squeezed her hand back.
"Peace," I repeated, looking forward.
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So...this was a lot longer. Idk if I should be apologizing or saying you're welcome. Either way, here you go. Hope it wasn't the worst. Anyway, Imma head out now. Ok byeeee ✌🏽