THE PAST
It felt like she could feel Beth's eyes burn on her back all day long. Her former friend's behavior shocked her, she had never expected her to be so... maniacal. The relationship with Beth had always been a bit harder than those with Shawna and June, especially because Beth liked to keep herself to herself. Nevertheless, she had always involved Beth in every activity, knowing how much the loss of her sister weighted on her. They were all scarred, having a hard time at home; Shawna because of her parents who were always in a fight and burdened her with the care for her autistic brother, June because of her sick mom and her father who'd left their family, and she herself had suffered a great deal too. She had always believed that they could support each other, be there for one another, because they all knew what it felt like to be part of dysfunctional families. For a long time they indeed had a strong bond... until June started to fall for Juan and the memory of Mateo called up Beth's hatred. Ever since, things had became tougher every week, up to a point that Jordy realized that their friendship would never heal. She knew June still hoped for a reunion and Shawna was still spending time with Beth, but the minute Beth assaulted June, Jordy had enough of her. That Beth felt no remorse and was really insane, was proven by the fact that she started to threaten her after Jordy had refused to hang out with her.
The threat never left her mind. When she confessed the horrible things that happened to her when she was little, she'd never expected anyone would hold it against her one day. Why would she? Beth had been her friend, she had loved her, trusted her. What had happened to her was horrible and she couldn't think of a reason why anyone would ever expose her secret or hurt her intentionally with it.
Oh, how wrong she had been. After what Beth did to June, she believed that bitch was capable of anything. Her eyes fluttered to the side of the lunch room, where Beth was sitting with her new friends. Jordy liked some of them, but some certainly not.
It weren't exactly nice stories that were told about Selma and her best friend; that they organized witch meetings in which they cursed their classmates. Not something she believed in herself, but the fact that doing something like that crossed their minds in the first place, proved how mentally ill they were. Not exactly people an unstable person like Beth should hang out with.
As if Beth was able to hear her thoughts, she cocked her head to the side and glared at Jordy, her lips forming a sinister grin. The sight of it gave Jordy goosebumps and she quickly looked away. It felt like her intestines were freezing. She was scared. She just knew something was going to happen soon and that Beth would carry out her threat.
June caught her glance when she aimed her attention back to her lunch. She wasn't hungry; she wasn't for days. Her friend had picked up on it. With her eyes she asked Jordy what was going on, but she gave her a reassuring smile. She didn't want to upset June. If her secret came out, they couldn't do anything about it anyway.
. . .
For a couple of days, nothing happened. Hesitantly Jordy started to hope that Beth's threat would stay nothing but a threat, and that Beth didn't hate her that much.
However, when she was putting her books in her locker, she noticed someone was standing behind her. Since Emilio had a habit of sneaking behind her to spook her and he had just left class with her, she wasn't immediately alarmed. She was, when a shadow was cast on both sides of her.
Wildly, she looked over her shoulder, recognizing Johnny and Bob. She didn't know the twins all too well, they always gave her the creeps. They were a head taller than she, making her feel trapped immediately. As if somebody gave them a sign, they leaned with one hand against the lockers, closing her in by putting their other arm around her shoulders.
"What the hell?" she snapped. She tried to struggle away from them, but their grasp was too strong.
"I heard you are looking for a new Daddy," Johnny said, widely grinning. "Heard your own Daddy can't get anywhere near you anymore to fuck your tight pussy, but that you miss him a lot."
Jordy froze.
"How did it feel?" Bob whispered. "To sit on Daddy's lap, without clothes? You liked it?"
Johnny started to laugh. "You learned to give a good fuck very young, huh? How old were you? Five? Six? Why don't you come home with us, then you can show us what Daddy taught you."
Jordy's breathing got stuck in her throat. Images flashed through her mind; of rough hands gliding down her tiny body, his whispers that he was proud of her, that she was doing it so well... Her whole body felt heated, as if her organs could give out any moment.
For a moment she was stuck in the memories, of which she never knew if these things really happened or were a product of her nightmares. She shook her head, hearing the heavy breathing of the two boys near her.
Her body however felt powerless, she couldn't find the strength to push them away. Instead, she started to cry.
"Ssh, don't cry," one of them whispered. "You don't have to miss him. We will take care of you. I'm sure my dick is just as big as your Daddy's. You'll love it. Just like you did before."
"Stop," she whispered. "This isn't funny."
Why did nobody help her? Did nobody care?
"I think it is. We could have so much fun." Johnny smirked at her, stroking his tongue across her cheek. "You know you're a little slut. The whole school knows, so don't get shy now. We just give you the chance to relive your deepest and darkest fantasies. With two Daddy's. We will shove our dicks in both of your holes, doesn't that sound hot? Hmm?"
"Leave me alone!!"
She wanted to scream, attract someone's attention, but she wasn't sure any sound was passing her lips at all. She felt so small, so helpless, so... violated.
Suddenly Bob was dragged away from her. In a flash, she saw someone slamming his head repeatedly against the lockers, until blood was splattering around.
In shock, Johnny let go of her. He reached to the side but was met by a punch in the face, making him stumble backwards.
"You ever come near her again and I will burn you fuckers alive," a thundering voice sounded. A second later, Bob fell on the ground, grabbing his face, moaning.
She flinched when she felt an arm around her shoulders again. His scent however calmed her down a little. Confused, she turned her face to the side and looked at Emilio's face.
His eyes were smoldering.
"Let's get out of here," he grumbled. "Before I break their fucking necks right here."
He took her bag from the ground and hung it over his shoulder. With his arm still around her, he led her away from the twins.
Her legs were shaking, she was afraid to collapse any moment. As if Emilio sensed she would, his arm glided from her shoulder to her hip so he held her a little tighter.
He didn't say a single word as he took her to the parking lot. Only when they were in front of his car, he looked a bit awkwardly at her.
"You want me uh – you want me to take you home?"
"I dunno," she said in a whisper, biting her lip. "There's nobody at home. Can I..." She took a deep breath, feeling her cheeks flush. "Can I stay a little longer with you?"
He gave her a skittish look, before turning his glance to the car as if he wondered if she would fit in it. Eventually he shrugged his shoulders, avoiding her glance and muttering: "Yeah... yeah that's cool too."
Jordy gave him a small smile. She felt a bit ashamed of her thoughts, but despite what had just happened to her, she felt something flutter in her stomach.
She had never expected to call Emilio sweet, but he had never acted like this. Now, it was harder than ever to forget about him.
. . .
Actually, Emilio had no idea what the hell he was doing when he pulled over the car on the drive-way and waited for Jordy to get out of the vehicle.
He should have dropped her at June's. But she had asked him specifically if she could stay with him... and it did something to him, especially after seeing her so upset. Putting the key in the hole, he prayed his mom was at work so he wouldn't have to listen to her stupid comments. He remembered all too well how she had responded a while back, when Jordy had picked him up for a date.
As cheerful as she had been then, as silent was she now.
Actually, he had never seen her so distressed. He caught himself on hating it; he really wanted to make her feel better but he had no idea how. When Juan was having a hard time, he simply gave him a joint and started some movie. He however had no idea what movies Jordy liked and he didn't want her to feel upset once there would be a sex scene in it.
He'd heard a few things when the twins had harassed her. They had said something about her dad, he believed. Should he ask about it? But what if she started to cry again... he had no idea what he should do then.
A little awkwardly he led her to the living room, stepping over his sister's toys that were scattered across the floor.
"You umm – you want a drink or somethin'?"
"Yeah, okay," she answered quietly.
Worried, he looked at her pale face. Her eyes were numb, missing their usual spark, and the corners of her mouth were hanging down.
Feeling a pit in his stomach, he turned towards the kitchen and filled two glasses with juice; then he waved at the couch and sat down next to her. There was a tense silence, one he hadn't experienced often around her.
Emilio was fidgeting with his nails wondering whether he should ask questions. Her breathing was heavy, her sadness still close to the surface.
"What did you hear?" she asked after a while.
His eyes flashed aside. She was staring into her glass, her shoulders slumped down in defeat.
"Not much," he answered evasively. "Something about your Dad, I think." He hesitated; he had a hunch but he didn't dare to say it out loud. "But I'm not sure."
She sighed softly. "You wanna know?"
Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "You don't have to tell me... Whatever you want. But uh... if you do want to talk about it that's fine." He hesitated. "Although uh... Although I think it's more helpful to talk to June. Or – or Juan."
Or any other person he could think of. Apart from Juan, no one ever came to him when there was something on their mind. He liked it that way – he had no desire in knowing about everyone's bullshit. But with Jordy, things were different.
Whatever had happened to her, he knew for sure it wasn't posturing.
She watched him from the side, but cast her glance down when their eyes met. She took a deep breath; she seemed close to saying something but kept silent in the end. Tears gathered in her eyes.
Fuck. What now?
He tried to imagine what Juan would have done in a situation like this. Hesitantly, he took her hand. He wanted to pull back immediately because the gesture was so unfamiliar to him, but somehow her fingers felt fragile – she felt like a house of cards that would collapse the minute he let go of her.
"I feel ashamed of it," she muttered. "Apart from June, Shawna and Beth, nobody knows about it. Well, and my family. And apparently all the people Beth talked to lately. Which will soon be the whole school, so you're gonna hear about it anyway."
The mentioning of Beth's name made him cramp up. The urge to really hurt her, became stronger every day. "That stupid bitch," he grunted. "She's gonna pay for this."
"It won't help, E," she sighed. "She's fucked in the head. Not a single beat-up or threat's gonna change that. Pretending she doesn't exist might hurt her most. She feels abandoned by her friends, I think that's more painful to her than anything else. If anyone is punishing her for everything she does, it's her own crazy brain."
Silence fell. He stared at their laced fingers. Having a girlfriend... would it feel like this? It felt less suffocating than he thought it would. He peeked aside. Did he want her to become his girl? He liked to hang out with her, more than with other girls, and today he had felt an insane need to protect her. But she was so... different. So not his type.
A little confused he shook off the thought, ashamed things like that crossed his mind while she felt so sad.
"You think talkin' about it is gonna make feel better?" he asked, hesitantly.
"I dunno. Maybe." She seemed willing to give it a chance, for she turned towards him, although she couldn't look him in the eye. "I was abused when I was a child. Sexually. Until I was five." She swallowed. "By my father."
It felt like someone kicked him in the stomach. Even though the thought had already crossed his mind, hearing the words however was much worse. He didn't know what to say; in the end he only let out a rude curse. Five years old. His own sister was only one year older. The thought that his father... It was disgusting, it was incomprehensible.
"Damn it," he said eventually. "Fuck. I just... I just don't know what to say." His voice was slightly shaking. He felt so sorry for her it shocked him. "Where is he now? Your father? He's not still living w..."
"No," she said quickly. "Mom caught him and he was sent to jail for five years. I never saw him again, mom married another guy after four years and my father got a restraining order."
Emilio stared at her. Would she ever want to see that asshole again? He couldn't imagine, but it was hard to picture the situation itself. He decided not to ask her. "You remember it?" he asked carefully. "I mean – are you still sufferin' from it? I mean, when people aren't purposefully reminding you of it?"
"I was really young, I don't remember much. Sometimes there are flashes... and I have nightmares. But I never know if what I see is a real memory or just some... sick creation of my imagination. I still always lock the door when I go to sleep." She stared at her knees again, sighing softly. "I shouldn't have told you. It's... it's disgusting. I'm disgusting." Sobbing, she wiped her eyes. "No wonder that no one can put up with me for more than a month. They probably sense that I... that I..." Sniffling, her voice trailed off.
"That's bullshit, Jor. Your only problem is that you fall in love with assholes like me."
Sniffling, she chuckled quietly.
His lips bent into a smile.
Tears were shining in her eyes and he felt a shiver creep down his spine. He didn't want her to think about that disgusting guy any longer, who should have protected her from violence like that. He leaned into her, feeling a strange tingling in his stomach.
He wanted to kiss her.
It was different from all the times he'd kissed someone at a party, just because he wanted to have fun. That had been an impulse, a victory. This... was different. Laying a hand against her neck, he pressed his lips against hers.
It was a soft... sweet kiss. Completely different from all the other times he'd kissed. Her fingers were trembling when they stroked the side of his face and he scooted closer to her. Slowly, his lips parted. Jordy's tongue found his, and she introduced him to a play that wasn't unpleasant. His hand glided to her hip. He felt the urge to push her down on the couch and to climb on top of her to kiss her neck, but he fought the longing. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a nagging voice, telling him this was a bad idea and that he was giving her hope on something he didn't want.
But did he really not want it?
He imagined how it would be. Walking hand in hand through the school. People would laugh at them, he would surely lose his reputation if they believed she was the best he could get.
Jordy broke the kiss and looked up, confusion in her eyes. "What's wrong?"
Emilio dropped his eyes. He felt ashamed of his thoughts, but he couldn't make them go away.
"Sorry," he muttered. "I just wanted to make you feel better. I don't want... you know. What Juan and June have..." He bit the inside of his cheek; in fact he wasn't so sure he didn't want it.
Maybe he would have wanted it if she took a normal haircut and dyed it in a normal color – and if she wore different make-up and clothes. At the same time, he didn't wanted her to change for him; he wouldn't change for her either.
"I know," she said with a small smile, although he saw the disappointment in her eyes. "I'm not the type of girl who refuses to kiss outside a relationship."
"But you would want a relationship," he muttered. "And I don't."
I think. His feelings were a mess.
"So in the end... I might only hurt you."
She bent her head, sighing softly. 'Yeah... maybe you're right."
"Jor..." He started, doubtful, thinking about her words before he kissed her. "I've never been in love, I never wanted more than a one time fuck with anyone. It's not because of you, okay? And it sure as hell isn't because of what you just told me. Before I knew that... Before that I neither wanted a relationship." He closed his eyes for a moment, suppressing a deep sigh. He hated his rambling, his doubts, how much he didn't feel like himself right now. He didn't like it for a bit, this degree of vulnerability and he felt the urge to hide behind his blunt comments again if it wasn't for the image of her teary eyes that kept haunting him. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I – I think it's better if you leave. I'm a lousy friend. Maybe I'm not even a friend. I – I don't even know what I am."
Jordy looked up, grabbing his hand. "You're not a lousy friend, Emilio. I don't know what might have happened if you hadn't been there to save me. You have been surprisingly sweet and I know your current behavior is overwhelming you too. I don't know – I always had this feeling you have two faces and that there are only a few people you dare to show one of these faces to. Or maybe you don't dare to show it to anyone."
Her words hit a nerve and he felt a nasty sting in his stomach. He yanked away his hand from hers. "That's enough bullshit," he heard himself say. "I was just tryin' to be nice, that's all. Don't try to turn me inside out."
He looked away when she tried to catch his glance and got up.
"This was stupid, okay? Just – just go to June. To Shawna. I don't know what you were expecting from me but this – this is just fucked up."
He walked to the hallway, waving impatiently at the front door. At first she didn't say anything, but when she passed him she laid a hand against his chest and kissed is cheek. "Thanks anyway, Emilio." She gave him a small smile. "You don't have to feel ashamed of your soft side. Really cool people dare to accept every side of themselves."
She went through the door, closing it behind her. Emilio felt dead tired all of a sudden and he leaned against the wall.
His mind was a battlefield.