Beyoncé October 1, 2016
I wandered the halls of the house aimlessly. I couldn't call it a home anymore. I was a stranger within its walls. The wisp of a person, haunting the memory of happier times. Everyone was there: my mama, Kelly, Solange, Michelle. They had all come to support me. There were so many people around me, yet I'd never felt so alone. I gazed at the wall filled with pictures, memories. I reached out, lightly tracing the pictures with my fingertips. I paused, looking at a recent addition to our collection of photos.
It was a picture of Sarayah and Blue in Houston the day before we left. It was a candid photo I had taken in a spur of the moment. Sarayah had been sitting in the grass in the backyard watching Julez try to do a handstand, when Blue decided to jump on her back. I'd quickly snapped a picture of them. They looked so carefree, laughing within the safety of their fragile bubble of happiness.
My thoughts were interrupted by sounds of movement. I frowned, listening. It was coming from the roof. I quietly walked back to my room and grabbed the metal baseball bat from its spot behind the door. Kelly, Michelle, and Solange were sprawled out on my bed, peacefully sleeping.
I walked over to Solo and roughly shook her shoulder. She quickly sat up, looking at me worriedly.
"What's wrong?" She whispered, none too quietly, eyes taking in the baseball bat in my right hand.
I put my finger to my lips, and she raised her eyebrow. I walked over to Kelly and Michelle and shook them awake. When they were all up, I pointed towards the door then motioned for them to follow me. I could see their skepticism, but I ignored them. I wasn't about to waste any more time.
I crept down the hall, and they followed, as I knew they would. I heard a small thud. I frowned. It came from Blue's room. Either someone was closing the window after coming in or after leaving. Either way, someone had broken into my house.
I looked behind me. Kelly, Solange and Michelle had formed a little train by clinging to the back of each other's shirts. It didn't look like they were going to be any help.
Solo stared at me wide-eyed. "Bey, I think we should just call the cops. We don't know who's in there. They could have a gun."
"I'm not waiting for the police. They haven't done anything for me. You guys can stay out here and wait if you want, but I'm handling this my damn self."
I turned around and took a deep breath. I adjusted my grip on the bat and burst into the room, shouting incoherently. I swung the bat around wildly, letting my rage flow out of me with each swing. Solange, Michelle and Kelly stood at the door, cheering me on.
"Mommy?" A small voice quavered.
I froze. I knew that voice. I lowered the bat, turning in the direction of the tiny voice. Blue was backed up against the wall, watching me uncertainly. I took a deep shuddering breath, dropping the bat. I rushed towards her, afraid this was just another cruel trick. Sure that once I reached her, she would disappear. But she didn't.
I dropped to my knees and pulled Blue to my chest, sobbing, still not quite believing she was there. She smelled like dirty laundry and piss. I pulled away from her slightly, holding her face in my hands. I inspected her. She was wearing a sweater that was several times too big for her. Her hair was a mess, and her eyes were swollen. I traced the dried streaks on her face. She'd been crying. I clenched my jaw.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I asked, still scanning her for any injuries.
Blue shook her head, her lip still quivering. I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, needing to feel that she was really in front of me. I looked into her eyes.
"What happened, Blue? Who took you?" I asked, confused.
Solange and Kelly knelt beside me. I barely paid them any mind. My eyes were locked on Blue. She fidgeted for a few moments.
"She told me not to tell. I don't wanna get her in trouble."
I supressed a groan of frustration. Blue was notorious for her busy mouth. Why was she choosing now to keep a secret?
I stroked her head soothingly. "It's okay, Blue. She's not gonna get in trouble. I just want to help."
"Promise?"
I nodded, having no intention of keeping that promise. My anger was already bubbling up at the thought of seeing that person. Whoever had taken my child would regret the day they'd been born.
Blue thought about it for a few seconds before meeting my eye. "It was 'Rayah."
It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I doubled over, struggling to breathe. She was alive. I was right. But I was wrong. So. Wrong. My world was spinning out of control, and I had nothing to hold onto. Michelle grasped my shoulder.
"I'm gonna go call Jay."
I heard her leave the room. Solange and Kelly were trying to talk to me, but I wasn't listening. Sarayah was alive. She hadn't even been kidnapped. She'd left. On her own. She'd probably been laughing at me these past two months with that bitch she called her mama.
I shakily got to my feet. I grit my teeth. Enough weakness. No more falling apart. No more relying on other people. I was going to handle this myself. This was the last time I was ever going to be made a fool of. I picked up the bat, determination on my face. I looked down at Kelly and Solo.
"Stay here with Blue. I'll be right back."
Kelly held up her hand. "Wait Bey–"
I shook my head. "Please, just do what I say. PLEASE. I will be right back."
I ran out of the room and into the hall. I took the stairs two at a time, not caring if I fell. I flew through the back door. I whipped my head side to side, unsure of where to go next. There was a good chance she was long gone, but I had to know for sure. Then I saw her, a dark figure in the distance. She was slowly lifting herself onto the fence. I sprinted towards her. When I got within earshot, I slowed down to a jog.
"SARAYAH!" I yelled, anger coursing through my veins like fire.
She froze, one leg on either side of the fence. She looked at me, face hidden in shadows. She turned to the street as if contemplating making a run for it. I clenched my fists.
"So that's it? After all the shit you've pulled you just up and leave? No explanation, no fucking apology?" I screamed.
"I didn't let her get hurt," she spoke, her voice so hoarse it was almost unrecognizable. "I wouldn't let anyone touch her. I would die before I let that happen."
I chuckled angrily. "Oh, but you can kidnap her just fine, right?"
Sarayah's head dropped. "I'm sorry. That's all I can say. I'm sorry."
I laughed, angrily. "Daddy's girl through and through, huh? You're so much like him it makes me sick. You destroy everything around you and expect to fix it with a 'sorry'. I always end up getting fucked over, but it's okay because YOU'RE ALWAYS SORRY, RIGHT?"
I waited for her to say something, but she just sat there, silently staring down at the fence. I laughed again, getting more enraged by the second.
"You know what's crazy? I always thought it was our relationship that was broken, but it's you. It's always been you. You are broken. Do you see that? Can you see that? Look at yourself. You kidnapped your own sister! You are so fucked up, you can't be fixed."
She stayed silent. My rage peaked.
"SAY SOMETHING, YOU FUCKING COWARD!" I screamed, throwing the metal bat at her. It clattered against the fence, missing her by a few feet.
"BEYONCÉ! STOP!" A voice shouted behind me.
I glanced over my shoulder and saw Solange running over to me. When I turned back around, Sarayah was gone. A pain shot through my chest. She left. Again.
"DON'T COME BACK!" I shouted after her, clenching my fists so tightly my nails were biting into my skin. "DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING COME BACK HERE, SARAYAH!"
Solange looped her arm around my chest and dragged me backwards to the house, making soothing sounds while I kicked and punched at the air, sobbing uncontrollably. When we got to the porch she stopped, pulling me into her.
"She's gone," I whispered so softly, I was sure she hadn't heard.
"We'll get her back, don't worry." Solo assured me, misinterpreting my statement.
I shook my head. "No." I wiped my face and stood up. "No, she made her choice."
Solo looked up at me, confusion in her eyes. "You can't be serious. Sarayah's been gone for months; we thought she was dead. You've been killing yourself every day, missing her."
"Exactly." I walked into the house, not waiting for her to follow.
"Well, I'm going after her!" Solange yelled.
I shrugged, not looking back. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted. I didn't care. I was done caring about that child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOW. Things are really not going well for anyone. Why do you guys even read this? It is so sad. I mean, I appreciate you guys, obviously, but wow. Truly confused. Is this cathartic for you?
Anyway, hope you enjoyed regardless. Ok byeeeeeeeee ✌🏽