Disclaimer:
(Since I was undecided on how the story would end, I decided to make three versions so that readers could choose the ending they saw fit - and who they wanted to end up with whom. The real ending is Nicole's, but Tony and Matteo have their own)
When I gave birth, I hoped that it was Matteo who would be there in the delivery room. I hoped it would be him holding my hand, him staying by my side, him beside me. But it never happened.
It was Tony who filled in the shoes Matteo left behind. It was Tony who held my hand; it was Tony who stayed by me side; it was Tony who was beside me all that time.
I wanted to close the chapter that Matteo left unfinished in my life. I wanted to forget him as he had obviously forgotten me. I know I had no right to his heart because in the first place, it belonged to someone else. It was wrong for me to demand anything because in the first place I was no one to him but the mother of his baby. When I admitted my feelings, I selfishly thought he would choose me. I was deluded in thinking that since I was the mother of his son, I was the one for him.
But love doesn't work that way. And I guess pride and hurt took over my heart.
He wasn't there for me. But he was there for Nikolai - our son.
He arrived when Nikolai was born. He was there in the nursery to see him. He carried our son in his arms and held him tight. He wanted to stay by his son. He was there for him because he loved our son. And that was all that mattered.
***
After I gave birth, I had to face reality. I didn't want to be a burden my sister anymore so I told her I would be moving out of her condo after two weeks. She was disappointed - I guess she grew accustomed to having me there. I did keep her mind off her broken heart after all. But I told her that I missed my room and Ma probably wanted to spend time with her first grandson. Plus, I told her that she had to find a better job. I teased her that I couldn't afford her salary hence she was "fired".
"But what will I do once you get back to managing the shop?" my sister complained.
"Go travel or something. You've always wanted to do that anyway."
"Who'll take care of your baby if you work? Do you really have to work?"
I laughed and hugged her. I loved how caring my sister had been towards me because of my situation. "I need to work in order to feed us. I am a single mom, remember? I have to work extra hard now. Plus I have to get a nanny and Ma offered to take care of Nikolai in the meantime."
"But what about me?"
"You're a successful career woman, Ate. I'm sure you can easily get a new job. You developed Mist remember? I saw it featured last week. The launch was a success. They're still talking about it."
Then she fell silent. "I, uh... let him take the credit."
My eyes widened. "Mist is your baby! Why did you do that?"
She shrugged and smiled. "Doesn't matter."
"You'll find someone better than him."
"Shouldn't I be saying the same for you?"
We both laughed. I guess we really were sisters.
***
All my life I've longed to be in love. All my life I felt that I had always been deprived of it and no matter how many times I prayed for Mr. Right to come my way, I felt that he always eluded me. It was like that with Tony. I settled because at that time I felt that he was the one available - the one I had to be with but not the one I wanted. Because of that it led to both of us hurting each other. I know I've hurt him deeply with what happened, and I know for a fact that up to now it's difficult for him to accept my situation.
When I fell in love with Matteo, I felt love was again saying it wasn't meant for me. That I would love but the feelings would not be mutual. I never expected to fall in love with him. I initially didn't want that to happen. I guess love had other plans...
Now I'm in a different situation. Tony, the one I had wanted to escape from, was now the one comforting me from the one I had wanted to run to. He had changed so much that I felt, because of what happened, that we both changed. I was no longer the girl putting up with his playboy side who eventually gave up. He was no longer the player who didn't want to be tied down.
Matteo who used to be my knight in shining armor turned out to be my worst nightmare...
It's not like he wanted that to happen. I guess I couldn't blame him for walking out on me. One minute I wasn't in his life and then suddenly I try to pry myself in. I guess when we force others to love us, we fall and rise with scars of hurts.
I regret nothing though. I learned that the hard way. I learned that no matter what happens to you, you must never look back in regret. Instead, you should only move forward, rise from falling, and deal with whatever comes your way.
Should I choose Tony? Or should I continue to long for Matteo who has chosen another? In the end, not choosing is also a choice. Easier said than done...
Because a few weeks later, my emotions would take another roller coaster ride.
***
It happened a week before Nikolai's baptism. My sister told me that Matteo had visited her at the coffee shop. She told me that he had told her that Frances broke up with him. I guess she was trying to see how I would react because a few minutes of silence passed between us.
"What do you expect me to say?" I asked her. "Do you want me to tell him to think about being a family with me and Nikolai?" I shook my head. "It's too late for that."
"Do you still love him?"
I sighed. "I don't want to answer that."
"Why not?"
I clutched my chest. "It still hurts. And just because they broke up doesn't mean he'll jump into another relationship."
"Will you invite him to the baptism?"
"I doubt he'll attend."
"You haven't even asked."
"If you want to invite him, go ahead."
I knew that even if my sister didn't ask for my permission, she still would've found a way to invite Matteo. Did she want us to be together for the sake of being a family? I had told her I didn't want to force him to do anything he didn't want to do. His not loving me was enough for me to not want to force myself into his life. Did I want him to be at the baptism? I'd be a liar if I didn't say I didn't want him to go. But I was scared. Scared of what might happen when I saw him again. The last time we saw each other was during the day I poured my heart to him. Was I ready to see him though? I guess I wasn't...
***
Tony had been more than helpful ever since I gave birth. He had been there to assist me when I needed it, and during the baptism he had been thoughtful enough to help out as well. But I knew Monique and Dulce still hadn't forgiven him for what happened in the past.
"You forgave him already?! What about those times he cheated on you and the times he broke your heart?"
"He said sorry. And he's already been wonderful to me ever since..." Ever since Matteo left, I wanted to add.
She sighed. "Ganoon ba kadali magpatawad? Don't tell me you're falling for him already! Remember what happened with Matteo..." [Is it that easy to forgive]
"Give him some credit, Dulce. We want to put the past behind us. You know that I was to blame as well..."
"Are you planning on getting back together with him?"
"I'm not closing my doors. But for now I guess it's too soon to tell. Can't I focus on my baby before anything else?"
And that was true. Tony had told me a countless number of times that he loved me. It was different from the way he used to say it before. When we were together, saying 'I love you' was a routine because we were a couple, and it wasn't because we meant it. But now it was different. The way he said those words made me feel that they were true. The way he held me close to him was different. The way he made me feel was different.
After defending Tony to Dulce, I spotted him arguing with Monique. I felt I needed to defend him again so I immediately went to where they were. I told Monique that the baptism was about to start and I was going to need Tony with me. He then asked me something unexpected.
"You didn't invite him?"
I knew he meant Matteo. "I did."
"So...you know about it...?"
I nodded. "Yes I do." I also knew he was asking whether or not I knew about his break-up with Frances. I figured Tony knew about it. He and Frances were friends after all. "How about you?"
"Martin told me."
"Oh."
"So you guys are ok?"
I shook my head and sighed. "He's the father of my son. As hard as it is to accept what happened between us, I have to think of Nikolai. He needs to know who his father is and I don't want to deprive him of that. It will be awkward, but I'll learn how to deal with the situation eventually. Ate was the one who contacted him. If he comes, then he comes. If not, then at least I did my part."
"Do you still love him?"
"A part of me always will, Tony." I took his hand and squeezed it. "Give me time, Tony. That's all I ask."
"I love you, Nicole. I don't care if it takes years but I'm willing to show you just how much."
"Why me Tony? You know what happened when we were together. You know that I wanted out of the relationship."
"Losing you made me realize how much I need you back in my life."
"Tony, don't you think it's too soon?"
"I don't want to pressure you to be with me. Just being able to spend time with you is enough. Just being able to prove to you how much I changed is good enough. You made me a better person, Nicole. You made me realize what love really is."
"Oh, Tony..." I was about to say that I didn't deserve his love when I heard my phone ring. It was Wacks. Tony told me to take the call and told me that he'd just wait for me inside the church.
"Dream girl, favor. Can you meet me by the side of the church? I kinda brought lots of stuff with me and I need help. Sorry talaga. You're the only one I know here." [truly]
I laughed and told them I'd meet him there. But just when I reached our meeting place, I saw a face I never expected to see.
It was Matteo.
I felt myself rooted to the spot. I knew he was coming. I just wasn't ready to see him again. I was about to turn and walk away but I suddenly felt his arms wrap around me. "I'm sorry, Nicole."
My chest hurt. I could feel my heart beating painfully against my chest. "Ate told me she invited you..." I could feel the tears try to fall but I refused to let them. "You saw our son when I gave birth..."
"He was beautiful."
I turned around to face him. If I didn't do something I feared I'd only break down again. So I pressed my hands against his chest and slowly pushed him away. "I'm sorry..."
I walked as fast as I could to the church. Tony was there to meet me. Did he see me with Matteo? I couldn't stop shaking. I didn't even know if I could hold Nikolai properly. It was a good thing that he was there because he carried my son for the duration of the baptism.
It was difficult not to see him because my sister had dragged Matteo inside the church. I knew he had the right to be here but I just wasn't ready to face him. Nor was I ready to feel his arms around me. I tried hard to focus on the ceremony. Tony had been beside me that entire time. Did it look like Tony and I - along with Nikolai - were a family to him? What was he thinking? So many thoughts clouded my mind that time. But one thing I was sure of was that I was still stupidly in love with him.
***
Matteo also attended the reception - I guess my sister didn't want him to leave her sight. I tried my best not to notice him and remained by Tony's side. Tony noticed my strange behavior. "Hey, Nic, what's wrong? Are you ok?" He sighed. "Is it because he's here?"
I turned to look at him and saw the hurt expression in his eyes. I couldn't even respond to what he just said so I just nodded.
"You should...go let him hold his son. He should have been where I was..."
"But..."
"He's the father, Nic. Even I have to come to terms with that." He gave me a kiss on the forehead. "It's ok. Go to him. He deserves to be with his son."
So with great reluctance, I walked to where Matteo was standing. He had been talking with Wacks but the moment he saw me, his eyes met mine. "Would you like to hold him?" When he nodded, I placed our son in his arms.
"Thank you."
I shrugged. "He's your son, too."
"Will you ever forgive me?"
His question caught me off guard. Was I ready to forgive him? I looked away. "Not now, Matteo...I'm sorry."
"I love you..."
If his first question caught me off guard, his next words were even more unexpected. I had to fight back tears that were trying to fall. "I used to."
It was a lie, I know. But at that time I wanted to hurt him. At that time I was scared that if I didn't turn away, I'd just break down. Dd he love me because he realized it? Or did he love me now because he lost me?
***
"You did what?!"
After the christening and allowing my mom to take Nikolai home, I decided to have coffee with my sister. Tony said he and Martin had somewhere to go but would come back to pick me up for dinner if I wanted to. I told my sister what happened with Matteo after she had reprimanded me about how I treated him during the baptism and reception.
"I thought you still loved him?"
"I always will because he's the father of my son. But I can't... I just can't be with him."
"Why the hell not?!" She took my hand and gently squeezed it. "Are you afraid of hurting Tony?"
"It's not about Tony, Ate. It's just that I haven't gotten over the hurt he caused me. And he said he loved me... I'm not even sure if he's sure that he is. Does he love me because he realized it? Or does he love me because he lost me?"
"What do you plan to do?"
I sighed. "We have to talk about the baby eventually. I guess we should focus on that first."
"And what about Tony?" My sister gave a short laugh. "Haba ng hair mo ha!" [*Expression meaning "You go girl"*]
"Sira. He's been wonderful to me ever since. Ayoko magsalita ng tapos." [Crazy] [I don't want to say anything final]
"So you're choosing him over Matteo?"
"I'm not saying I chose already, Ate. It's too early to say anything. Tony is wonderful, but I also can't erase the fact that Matteo is the father of my son. But isn't not choosing a choice as well? Do I really have to choose between them? Can't I just focus on my son first and then see what happens in the future? It may be Tony, it may be Matteo. It may not even be any of them. One thing I am sure of is that I want my son to be my priority. I want to focus my attention on him."
***
All my life I've longed to love and be loved in return. What I did learn was that sometimes the love you seek may not be the love you deserved. And the love you deserve - sometimes comes when you least expect it. It came in the form of a baby - and I've never been happier. I will never regret what happened to me because now I feel more blessed. My son made all the pain, tears and hurts worth it.
Matteo and I - I don't know if we'll have that fairy tale ending most would have wanted for us. Time would only tell if we'd lead up to that point - if ever we would. I've told him that we had to be there for our son first. I have to admit that it is still difficult to erase our past hurts - and it will take time for the wounds to heal and for the scars to fade. But everything starts with forgiveness, I guess - we just have to take it one step at a time - if not for both our sakes, then for our son's.
As for Tony - I told him that I wasn't ready to commit just yet and I didn't really want to keep his hopes up. His response actually surprised me. He said he never expected anything from me. Love was like that, he had realized. You give love without expecting anything in return. We both changed. And I guess change was good for us because it brought us closer together. My mom still pines for our 'happy ending' and I later found out that his mom still did too despite my circumstances. Will we reach that point? Who knows?
It could be him, could be Matteo... I may even fall in love with someone else... But that's where the beauty of love lies... in just letting things fall into their rightful place. And before you know it, it'll happen and you'll realize you've met your match.
THE END - NICOLE