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THE PRESENT
Juice had the feeling his head was about to burst. The pain was so sharp he didn't even realize where he was. Only when he sat up straight and rubbed his stiff neck, he discovered that he was sitting in a shed. A sour smell tickled his nostrils. Puke. Numbly, he registered a pool of vomit next to him. There was an empty bottle next to it.
Where did he get it?
The pounding of his head was too heavy to dig into his memories. Pulling up his knees, he pushed his face against them. For a while he kept sitting that way, until the door opened. How much time had gone by, he didn't know.
Through a haze, he saw someone crouching down across from him and laying a hand on his knee.
"You can't keep sitting here, Juan. Please come inside."
June... It was June. His sweet, beautiful June. The light in his life, which he'd wanted to see one last time. Was she real? Probably not. Countless times he had fantasized that she had returned to him, that she had found him and wanted to stay with him.
It never happened.
With glassy eyes he stared at her. All of a sudden, she was gone.
Of course she was. She was just a figment of his imagination.
He nearly bawled.
And his head was pounding, blazing.
Maybe it wasn't because of the booze. Maybe someone shot him in the head. He might as well have done it himself. Even fucking up a suicide – that would be typical him, right? He was a failure. He couldn't even kill himself properly.
Again, he sensed someone was near. With an empty glance in his eyes he looked up.
There she was again. His angel.
Although he knew she wasn't real, he smiled. It felt like he could die in peace now, as if he had waited for this moment.
She talked to him, although her words sounded incomprehensibly far away. And she pressed something against his hand.
A glass.
He stared at the contents. Water.
"...an? Do you hear me?"
Finally, he shook off the numbness. "Yeah," he answered hoarsely.
She held out her hand. He wanted to grab it; then he saw the painkiller in the palm of it.
His angel, always so caring. He took the pill, put it in his mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water. Suddenly he realized how thirsty he was and he downed the glass in one movement.
"Please come with me, Juan." She was on her knees in front of him. "Take a shower, put on some clean clothes and take a nap on the bed."
He nodded blankly.
It didn't matter what she would say to him. Even if she told him to go back to Charming or to turn himself in; he would do it. Her voice was enchanting, he couldn't resist it and he neither wanted to resist. She had always known what was best for him.
Wobbly, he stood up. She wrapped an arm around him to support him. His body was stiff, but he knew he could walk without her help.
He however didn't want to. He wanted to lean into her, wanted to be close to her. She smelled so good; flowers and a sweetness he'd never been able to identify... and there was this other fresh scent he couldn't define, which gave him a familiar feeling and made the hairs in his neck rise.
The moment they left the shed so he could breathe in the fresh air, his mind became clearer. He realized how much he smelled, and quickly he let go of June, feeling ashamed. "I'm okay," he muttered.
She said nothing, she however did stroke his back before she opened the backdoor. Juice froze the moment he wanted to enter the room. He stared at the couch; he saw himself sitting on it, Emilio next to him. Laughing at first, but in the blink of an eye they were kissing. He could still feel the man's tongue in his mouth, he remembered how his friend's hand had slipped into his pants to play with his dick.
"You like this huh?" his rough, hoarse voice echoed in his head. "Tell me what you need to relax homes. I never sucked a dick but I'm sure you taste fucking great. You can fuck me too if you like."
By reflex, he bent over and gagged. His stomach however was empty; all he tasted was bile. His whole body was shaking. Was it true? Had he liked it? He didn't want to remember, nevertheless his memories tried to recreate the things he'd felt.
"Where is he?" he whispered. He didn't want to see the man. Not now – not ever.
"He is on a day out with Glenn," June answered calmly. "So we can talk with Rafi."
Rafi... There were also some vague memories about the boy. His son. They however were too blurry to call up any words they'd spoken.
"Did Emilio tell you? What he did?"
"Yes," she answered softly. "He was pretty confused."
Juice snorted. Bet he was.
The determined voice that had shaken Juice up yesterday however told him a different story. He had known very well what he'd been doing. Again, bile was burning in the back of his throat. He didn't want to think about it anymore. He didn't want to think about anything anymore.
June rubbed his back. "Come on, Juan. Go take a shower, then I'll make you some breakfast."
Hesitantly, Juice nodded and went upstairs.
. . .
Once he was done showering, he felt a little better. Just like yesterday he'd taken some clothes from Emilio's wardrobe, but this time they really seemed to itch and he wanted nothing more than tearing them off his body. The thought about his former friend caused a pang in his stomach. Yesterday there had been this glimmer of longing for their old friendship. He had lost so many friends, had fucked up so many things... He craved for a friend, someone who knew him inside out and still didn't hate him.
Now however, he didn't know what to think of it. He didn't understand why Emilio had wanted to kiss him; thinking about it made his head spin. Sighing, he went downstairs. There were some cheese and biscuits on the table, a glass milk and a cup of tea next to it.
He stared at it. The simple gesture made him emotional; was this what all his mornings would have looked like if he had stayed with her? If he had searched for a way to get her back?
He walked to the kitchen and watched her tidying up the counter top. Suddenly he could no longer bear the distance; he stepped forward and locked her in his arms. Tears filled his eyes as he pressed his face against her shoulder.
She turned around. For a moment he feared she would push him away, then she leaned her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. He closed his eyes while holding her, kissing her hair. Their bodies melted together like they used to; they were like two halves perfectly fitting. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, and at the same time he knew he would only repeat himself. And so, he stayed quiet, for it was a pleasant silence.
"You need to eat something," she said eventually.
"I don't want to let you go," he murmured into her hair.
She looked up, cupping his jaw with her hand. "I'm going nowhere, Juan. As long as you stay with me, I'll stay with you."
He dipped his head, resting his forehead against hers. More than anything he wanted to tell her he would never leave her again, but he wasn't sure he could keep that promise. His life felt like a ball game of which only injury time was left.
In the end he let go of her and sat down at the table. He was hungry, the nausea however hadn't disappeared completely and so he only took small bites. June was sitting next to him. She stared through the window, deep in thoughts. She looked worried, even a bit scared.
He didn't know how to help her. Whatever was troubling her; he was the reason. When she didn't say a single word during breakfast, he carefully laid a hand on her knee.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
His touch seemed to startle her. Quickly, he pulled back his hand.
Sighing, she turned towards him. "You remember talking to Rafi last night? In the shed?"
Slowly, he shook his head. "I know I talked to him, or at least I've seen him... But I can't remember the conversation."
June sipped from her tea before she started to stare into the dark fluid. "You told him you're his father."
Luckily Juice wasn't holding a warm drink, for it surely would have slipped his fingers. "W-what?"
"Emilio spoke to him this morning. He told me Rafi stormed out of the house after the boy stated that he'd talked to you. You told him you kissed Emilio and that you're his father."
"Fuck." Grunting, Juice rubbed his face.
"He wants answers, Juan. The moment he cools down."
"Yeah." He heaved a deep sigh. "Then we'll have to give him those." He took June's hand in his and squeezed. "You did everything a good mom would do, baby. I'm not sure if he ever wants to talk to me again, but there's nothing he can blame you for. You wanted to give him a father to be proud of. Something we both lacked, something we've carried around our whole lives."
She looked up to him. He saw the fear in her eyes. "I hope he sees that too."
"Of course. He knows there's only love in your heart. Everyone who knows you, knows that."
. . .
Rafi was sitting on a small wall enclosing the lot of a large wood storage. There was no specific reason he was sitting here. After walking for over 30 minutes he just needed to sit.
He stared at the ground, not knowing what to do. He could go to Mitchell, but he was probably still sleeping. In his own bed of in his girlfriend's. He really wasn't in the mood to tell his friend about last night – and about the discovery that his mom had been lying to him from the moment he was born. His father was still alive.
He hadn't died some heroic death, he was just a drunken asshole. Many times he had wished his father was still alive; now however he wanted him dead. He wanted everything to go back to normal.
The longer he thought about everything, the heavier his shoulders felt. Maybe he shouldn't postpone this. He was inclined to avoid confrontations, but only if it gave him something. And this would give him nothing. This problem wouldn't solve itself. He could ran as far as he wanted, that Juan guy wouldn't be gone once he returned.
He sauntered back home, his hands deep in his pockets and clenched to fists. Nervousness spread through his body like wildfire, without knowing why. He hadn't done anything wrong. And still, it felt like he had.
Juan was sitting next to his mom at the kitchen table, he noticed when he opened the backdoor. He gritted his teeth as he saw them quickly pulling their hands away from each other. Too late. Did they think he was a moron?
He had never been this disappointed in his mom. Why did she do this? She had a really cool boyfriend. It had taken some time to get used to a man in his life, but he really liked Emilio and he wished the man had been his real dad. He was the one who came to look at the performances of his band, who took him to football matches, who gave him advice about girls and other stuff.
In silence he sat down in front of the two. Juan stared at the table top, his mom avoided his glance as well. At least she felt guilty.
"So you're my dad?"
If they weren't about to say something, he would. Maybe he was wrong, maybe he had misunderstood Emilio or...
"Yeah."
With those four letters he lashed out at everything Rafi had thought to be. A boy without a father, the son of a man who had died young.
Juan sighed, planting his elbows at the table and rubbing his face. "I didn't know your mom was pregnant when I left her," he said. "I only found out about you two days ago."
Right. Rafi didn't know whether he believed him. Whether he wanted to believe him. Hating him from the depths of his soul was just easier. That was an emotion that gave him strength, instead of making him feel weak.
He looked at his mother. "Why didn't you just tell me dad didn't know about me? I could have gone looking for him."
She looked at him with a deep sadness in her eyes. Despite everything, he felt sorry for her. "Juan and I were together for five years. One day he simply disappeared. At first I was worried sick, not much later his sister told me he was with someone else. It broke my heart. I never understood why he didn't have the guts to tell me the truth. Later, I wondered if he had known that I was pregnant. I felt sick for a while before I realized what caused it. I thought he might have sensed it and didn't want a child." She dropped her eyes and sighed softly. "Juan grew up without a father; he left their family when he was born. My own father left us when I was 14. It marked us, Rafi. The feeling that your own father doesn't love you... It made me feel insecure all my life – and the same goes for Juan. We both had abandonment issues – we still have. I didn't want that for you. I didn't want you to think that your father didn't want you, that you were the reason he left. That unrest, that pain... It would mark you like it marked us. Instead, I wanted to give you a father you could look up to. And so, I told you about your uncle, Mateo. He died when he was 22, when someone started to shoot at us and he shielded us with his body."
Rafi stared at his fingers. He had no idea what to say. She had wanted to save him pain, and he understood... But it didn't take away the fact that he could have had a father. A father who didn't know about him. All his life, he had mourned a father who'd never given him life.
He looked up to Juan. "Why did you leave?"
The man's eyes were filled with tears. His breathing went rapid, and he saw that his mom was rubbing his back reassuringly, as if he was the child at this table.
"My brother and I were very close. He was my best friend, the one I could always count on. I didn't have a dad, and so my brother always took care of me." He swallowed. "His dead destroyed me. Filled me with hatred. I could only think of one thing: to avenge him. And so I did. I killed his murderer, without knowing that I was sticking my hand in a hornet's nest. That same night I found out the guy who I killed was with the mob. I knew they would haunt me, that they would kill me. They chased me literally, so I couldn't go home. I was terrified they would hurt June and I didn't want to drag her along in my desperate flight. She had her family, her friends.... I knew I broke her heart, but I believed she would fall in love again. Without me, she was at least safe and she could go to college... Not knowing that she was pregnant and that things would go completely different." He breathed out shakily. "I left every behind, gave my sister one call so she would make sure that June wouldn't go looking for me. I knew the mob would find her and keep an eye on her; the moment they knew how to contact me they would use her as leverage. The only way to protect her, was by disappearing completely."
Juan's story made him silent. It sounded so surreal... Like some movie plot. He looked at the broken man in front of him, but it was hard to see a murderer in him. Then again, maybe that was exactly the reason why he was so broken.
"And it never crossed your mind to go looking for her?" he asked quietly. "Only now, fifteen years later?"
"The first five years I didn't dare to reach out, afraid she was still watched. Then it became harder and harder to take that step. I convinced myself she was over me, that she had found another man who made her happy. She deserved better than me, she always has and she still does." His emotional eyes rested in Rafi's. "But if I'd known about you kid... I never wanted my kid to grow up without a dad. Especially because I know that void, that pain. If I'd known about you, I would have find a way to seek contact with you. Even if I needed to use postcards."
Rafi swallowed. The tears were stinging his eyes.
He didn't know what to do with this; how to let out his emotions. Part of him wanted to hug this fragile man, who had given up everything to keep his mom save. Another part of him still wanted to push him away, wishing he'd never shown up.
"Why did you come looking for her now?" he muttered.
"Giving up your mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. Not a day went by without feeling regret; every day I cursed myself because I wanted to avenge my brother so much that I couldn't foresee how it would destroy the life of the person I loved the most. I know my days are numbered, that I won't live long. I wanted to see her one last time to find some inner peace, by seeing that she was happy. To convince myself that I had made at least one wise decision in my life."
Goosebumps spread across his arms. His days were numbered? Was that was why he was so broken? "Are you terminally ill?"
Juan shook his head, studying his face. Then he glanced at June, who nodded quietly.
"You can tell him."
"Okay." He cleared his throat. "I'm not sick. But I'm... I'm a wanted man. Both the police and my former club are looking for me." He searched for words, staring into his empty glass. June saw it, she filled it in the kitchen and gave it back to Juan, who gave her a small smile. "I fled to California. There I got involved with the Sons of Anarchy, a motorclub."
"More like a gang, right?" he muttered. He'd heard about these guys. A friend of Emilio and his mom was involved in a club too.
"Yeah," Juan muttered. "They could use someone who was good with computers. To hack shit. In exchange, they offered me protection. It wasn't an easy life. Lots of violence, lots of illegal shit. I've been in jail three times, was almost stabbed to death there, I've lost plenty of friends..." He bent his head. "The club... It was all I had. I was terrified to lose them. That made me an easy target to manipulate, and I did things I shouldn't have done... They gave me a second chance, but my President kept me on a leash. Let me do the dirty work, do things I didn't want to, things that..." He swallowed. "Things that broke me. In the end I was all alone. Everyone hated me, wanted me dead. I tried to have peace with it... but I couldn't because... because I kept thinking about your mom. I just wanted to see her one more time... to convince myself that she was happy. But then, I found out about you... that I had a kid all those years..." He moved his hand a little, as if he wanted to take Rafi's. He felt relieved when the man didn't do it. "I'm not sure how long I can stay here. You got E... I didn't see why you would want to get to know a failure like me. However, your mom and E persuaded me to stay here for a while, and if I pretended to be your uncle, I'd get a chance to know you so I could decide if the truth would bring you anything good. Anyway. Things didn't go as planned."
Rafi let the words sink in. It was just too much bizarre information to let it all sink in. His father was a wanted criminal, some sick motor gang was after him...
"Are we safe here?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah. We live by a code. Innocents have nothing to fear from us. If they find me, they will leave you alone and take me."
"And then they will kill you."
"Probably," Juan muttered. "Or they will sent me to jail and leave me to die. Which won't take long, without protection."
A long, heavy silence fell. What was expected from him now? Was he supposed to give his father a chance, or should he tell him to fuck off? He didn't know what he wanted, his head was a chaos.
He felt sick and the tears were burning in his eyes. Suddenly, he broke down and started to sob. It felt so unfair that his father had never been part of his life, especially because none of them had wanted this; it felt like they were all victims while they were all guilty too.
He covered his face with his hands while his shoulders were shaking. He heard a chair being shoved back. For a moment he thought to receive his mother's embrace, then he felt a bigger hand on his shoulder, hesitating.
"I'm sorry Rafi," his father said in a trembling voice. "You have no idea how much I wished things had gone differently."
Rafi jumped up. "Don't touch me!!" he yelled.
He couldn't breathe, was wavering. His fingers tugged at Juan's shirt; he wanted to push him away. It felt like all strength was drawn from his arms; instead of pushing him away he pressed his face against the man's shoulder, sobbing. Crying, he held on to the man, who he wanted to hate and love at the same time.
He felt how Juan wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight. His heart ached. So this was how it felt, the embrace of a father. Nobody but his mom had ever held him like this, and despite the fact that his father was a mess, his arms felt strong and protecting.
A little bit of hope seeped into his heart.
Maybe he could have it. Maybe he could really have a dad.
He had never realized that he craved so desperately for it, but right now he felt it in every fiber of his being. He'd longed for arms like this.
. . .
Hey all!
So, Juice finally had a good talk with his son. Poor guys. </3
Also, I wanted to tell you that I started another teenage Juice story, I hope you'd like to check it out. It will be something completely different since he's going to live with his father. The OC is quite the opposite of June and Juice will be a bit more confident and flirty than in this story. (:
Despite Juice's young age there will be some ties to the Sons, since Happy and Kozik play a role in it. (:
The story is called Upon Deaf Ears