"Living is easy with eyes closed, Misunderstanding all you see, It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out, It doesn't matter much to me..."
I sang to Julian as we painted a cat. He sat between my legs as I placed my hand on his, teaching him how to use the brush.
"I like it when you sing." Julian giggled. I smiled and kissed his cheek.
"Awww you're such a sweetheart." I tickled him. We were tickling each other when we heard the front door shut.
"Paul? Is that you!? Cyn came by and wants you to call her! Something about a delivery." I shouted.
"I see. So you and Cyn getting on now?"
I turned around and looked over at John. He walked into the room as Julian ran over to him. I chewed on my lip and looked down.
"What do you want John?"
He sat on the sofa and sighed.
"I want to know why ye were at the doctors at four in the morning. Michelle saw ye."
I rolled my eyes. "What are you two stalking me or something? I guess I have to tell you since you're this baby's father. I had a little accident last night. I was bleeding, I went to the doctor, he told me the baby is fine and I should just relax. Since I've been going through some bullshit lately." I glared at him.
"Oh what you're blaming it on me?" He scoffed. "That's classic. Poor little ol Lucy, so innocent and naive. Goes running to her husbands best mate and rolls in the sack with him. How do I know that baby is even mine??"
I looked at him in shock. "Why would you even say that?? Of course this baby is yours! And damn straight I'm blaming all of this on you! You hurt me and had a fuckin affair with my friend! What did you think I was just going to welcome your new lover with open arms!?"
"Fuck you Lucy! For years I broke my back just trying to win your love! Maybe I've had enough!"
"Oh so what you jump in bed with the next girl who just runs into your arms? You're supposed to fight for the people you love John! It just doesn't come easily!" I yelled at him.
"Well you sure as hell were easy back in the day." He muttered. I felt the tears burning in my eyes and slapped him.
"Just go John. Get the fuck out of here. I have nothing else to say to you."
I pointed to the door. He scoffed and grabbed an envelope out of his coat pocket and tossed it at me. Slamming the door as he left.
I could hear small whimpers from behind the sofa. I straightened myself and walked over to Julian. He had his hands over his ears, tears streaming down his face.
"Shhh come here baby. It's okay." I pulled him in my arms. He hugged me and cried. I rubbed his back and kissed his cheek. "Daddy's gone okay? It's just you and me."
I wiped his tears away and sat him down with me on the sofa. I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. I hated seeing Julian hurt. Always seeing his father running out another woman from his life. I grabbed the letter off the floor and sighed, opening it. I pulled out the folded papers and felt even worse.
It wasn't long until Paul came home. He shrugged out of his coat and saw me and Julian on the sofa.
"What's wrong?" He asked. I sighed.
"John was here. He came by and, an arguement ensued. Julian here saw the whole thing and now, he's a little shaken up."
He sighed and sat next to me, holding Julian. I wiped my tears.
"What's that ye got there?" He asked. I looked at him and shook my head.
..
"John wants a divorce?" Cyn asked, stirring her tea.
"Yeah. He gave me the papers a week ago. I just..I just cant muster up the strength to sign the papers."
She placed her hand on mine. "I'm sorry Lucy."
I sighed and nodded. "Cyn you dont have to pretend to..."
"No I...I really am sorry." She laughed a little and looked down. "Christ I, I always dreamed of the day he'd leave you. I wanted to see your face, the hurt, the pain. But now...It hurts even me. Because I know what it's like to have this happen to you. It's unpleasant."
I looked at her. "I'm sorry I hurt you. Look I know it may be too late for that or, I can't make up for it. But I just need you to know that. I really am sorry. I took him away from you. I dunno why I was so cruel..."
"Because I was cruel to you." She interrupted. I laughed and took a sip. "When he saw you, he fell in love. He wanted nothing to do with me, with his mates, with anyone. He ignored the world just to chase after you. I was jealous because I figured, I had him first I deserved him more."
I gave her a sympathetic smile. "You really did love him. I can see that you still do."
"I do yes. But, there comes a point in someone's life when...you have to snap out of it and just realise, maybe your life is supposed to move elsewhere ye know? Stop chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same. Stop going in circles and living a life full of anger and holding grudges. I've reached that point Lucy. John hasn't. I know he'll always be a part of my life...of yours. But, don't use that as an excuse to hold on."
I nodded and wiped the tear rolling down my cheek. Damn pregnancy has turned me into a cry baby. I smiled at her.
"Thank you for that. My whole life has revolved around John, the band, England. I couldn't escape it. I'm gonna be a mother now and I can't bring my child into this kind of world. I want a normal life. And I plan on starting over when I move to the states next month."
She raised her eyebrows and looked at me with surprise. "You're moving back??"
I nodded. "Yes. Permanently. I have friends here but...not a life. My home has always been New York. I got a job offer from an old friend a few weeks ago and...I'm taking it."
She smiled. "Congratulations. I'm happy for you Lucy. I really am."
She sat next to me and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back and smiled.
"Cynthia?"
"Hmm?"
"I'd still love to see Julian. I know it may be too much to ask but..I love him. And I don't want him out of my life."
She nodded and rested her hand on mine. "I think we can work something out."
..
Later that evening, I stood in the kitchen, taking the lasagna out of the oven and listening to Love me Tender. I smiled thinking of Stuart.
I squeeked, feeling arms wrap around my waist, lips kissing the back of my neck. I hummed and put some sauce on my finger, holding it to his lips. He sucked it off and squeezed me.
"That looks amazing love." He said rubbing my stomach. I giggled.
"I know. This is all mine, you can keep the salad." I teased. He made a face, pulling away, watching me set things on the table.
"Don't be cheeky with me love. Or else." He said walking to the table. I set his plate down and looked down at him.
"Or what?" I challenged. He pulled me by the waist and sat me down on his lap, pulling me into a warm kiss. He pulled back, looking into my eyes.
I smiled and stroked the side of his face. I looked at the ring on my finger. Paul saw what I was looking at.
"You still love him. Don't ye?"
I nodded. "I do. I always will. But um, I can't keep holding onto him when, he's already let me go."
He watched me as I got off him and walked to the living room.
"What are ye doin?" He asked. I walked back into the room, grabbing a pen off the counter. I sat in his lap again and pulled out the papers.
Paul grabbed my hand before I could sign.
"Are ye sure you want this?" He asked. I sighed and shook my head.
"No. I don't want this. But he does. And I'm not gonna keep on playing his game. I need to let him go." I looked at Paul, his eyes full of sympathy. He nodded.
"Okay then."
I kissed his cheek and took a deep breath, signing the divorce papers.
....