Unedited.
RAJVEER
The moment of bliss never lasted longer for him. Sometimes it was all fate but mostly it was he who always collided with nicely going events and turned them into bitter memories. As he had done with Naina in his married life.
He had grown suspicious to the extent that he had not taken into account of her being a human. He had overlooked the fact always. He had thought of him..only him during that period. He was disgusted of her. Her maligned character. Her sham behaviour and mostly of her smiles...
But the day he had been opened to truth, his whole view was changed.
He had been transported from hate to shame. He was ashamed of himself. He was ashamed of wronging her in every possible manner. Humiliating her In every possible way. And this shame had been a huge burden on his soul. Always choking him..
Whole three years he wanted her apology so badly because he wanted to get rid of this shame. He wanted to live freely as he used to do before. And when he didnt get what he had been desiring for so long, he began to do what he never did.
He went berserk. He changed his norms. He divulged into smoke. And soon he was relentlessly reckless.
His image he himself had deteriorated it. His name was now not among reliable officers...atleast not for whom had witnessed his actions in past three years.
It was not all because of his guilt. It had come from his need. He had derived it. When he could not seek her apology the way he had wanted, he began to ruin himself. The reverse psychology. If he was guilty he needed to be punished. If not her, then by himself.
It was the course of story.. for past few years..
He had not craved for her company but for her apology. He wanted a redemption which he never got by the way..
But....
....
.....Rajveer' wants were changed the moment he had been transferred here. The moment he saw all shinny and strong in her teacher avatar...getting on and gripping students with her bold method. She was still strong even suffering so much. And there he was. Crying over his weakness. Taking things other way around.
Naina was changed. He had seen her. But....
....He also was changed. And perhaps this fact went beyond her sight. Because not for a moment she let herself fall weak in front of him.
And then her distant attitude to everyone...Her silence and her aloofness. He could make one thing only.
She was back on the path to depression and self destruction.
The way she had harmed herself in KMA, she'd have done it here too.
Perhaps his fear of being another cayse of her suffering gripped him and made him seeking her more for an apology again..
But the type of woman she was, she never gave in. Or perhaps his words were that bad!
He silently sat up and looked outside. Events had changed too much.
He had sailed past and had now been through the storms. He had stopped seeking her apology. He had stopped yearning for it. Because sometimes time heals the wounds....all other way around.
Now a days he was running for her happiness. Her smiles which were exclusive, he wanted to make them obvious to everyone. But he himself waa aware the fact she wpuld never accept him as the reason of her single sentiment.
As he was always the one for her all suffering!
He felt like his room was now too suffocating for him. He came out. Corridor was dark so was his life. And ever time it was because of some damn prelaid rules.
He tried to go out of the corridor without making noise and was successful. Soon he was out in starry night. He found a place apt for his solitude and self talk and soon he was sitting on a bench in open ground.
He stared at sky.
Life can be so unpredictable yet probable at the same time.
When he was always stretching his relation with her, he waa well aware of consequences in his mind. His actions'd be fatal, He had known it back then too. But before his aggression he didnt consider it. He himself had opted for a tragedy.
Divorce had been long back done. Both were now divorced. Still...still he felt he had something of her in himself.
He still hoped she would turn someday and tell him she wanted to spend a hour with him doing nothing but talking.
He wished for a star...to fall and give him opportunity for making a wish. For having what was out of his reach..Ad he had no other help available. He was helpless.
All he wanted to feel her beside him...Just her presence that was soothing enough to make him forget all plagriasation expanding now in recruiting department of army or the recent breach of security in the base' faculty data. But he had been turned into a cursed soul..whose sarcophagus was long lost.
He sighed. Universe could be the most idiotic yet the most logical one. He would give you what you deserve not what you seek to acquire..
He was in his thoughts when he felt her...Besides him. Thinking it one of his dreams he let it go. Because not even in his wildest dream she would take the chance of sharing her space with him. He was her guilty...her demon....villain of her life.
But again he had this belief. Perhaps she would look at him despite him being from hell. Her hell.
He turned his side and almost loat his ground. She was there in real.
And he felt time was stopped for him..once in eons making him grateful of universe so much he would give up anything for this favour. Anything!
He was unable to form words. Unable to decide whether he should speak or not..whether he should prelude something or juat sit there with conclusion of having nothing between them.
Yes...there was nothing but space between them. But the truth was that Rajveer Singh shekhawat had began to long for Naina' notes. He wanted her to talk with him desperately. Desperately he wanted her to tell him anything...anything she could tell him. Anything she could throw upon him. Anything she could give him..
Time though had stopped began to move at fast speed. Rajveer got scared. What if she left him there once gain...all alone.
He plucked something out of his pocket and handed it over to her.
She was startled, he saw it clearly. But....To his amazement she accepted it. And thus encouraged him silently.
'Mrinal gave it to me citing it being one of causes for something good. I think It came handy today.'
He heard her silence. And it pierced him.
'Dont you have anything to say?'
Amd she shook her head disappointing him..
But he began because he had...so much to say...so much to exhale..
'I...I know. There is nothing between us. But...I have, I dont know how, so much to tell you. So much to talk with you. I know you will not fall weak again...And not that I want you. But...You and I both know what we had shared.'
She flinched...but he didnt stop.
'You said that day. Not to bring up past. But what can I do when this is the last or perhaps only thing we ever had. When it is the only thing in my life that i had shared with you. The only thing I remember doing with you was killing you slowly slowly. Humiliating you. Abashing you..throwing you off as if your the burn of my life.'
He saw her making attempt of interrupting him but he didnt give her chance.
'No. Naina. Not today. I dont know when this opportunity will come when I can get you this close. When I'll be able to have for myself..to hear me out...without any question. I dont know. Naina. But...I cant breathe too. I want you to tell that I have nothing with you still you are the only thing in my life that has kept me alive these years. You cant imagine how I crept out of my guilt. You saw me turning into an monster. But you never saw me falling into pieces that never were reassembled. You never saw me breathing in smoke and dust. And you'd not too.'
She was about to leave when he held her hand and pulled back to bench.
'Please...Just this night. Dont leave me. Though I have no right to ask you anything but still please dont go. I...I am not rubbing it on your face that you did wrong by leaving me. You did right. In fact this was the best thing that happened .....to me.'
He sighed. So much he had said but still so much was left..unsaid. in canopies of his heart.
'When I saw you here for first time, I was amzed. How strongly you were holding to things. But the misconception broke. When I saw you alone. I was again guilty of depriving you of your happinesses. If I was sane enough, you'd have been living like a normal person not like a....loner.'
'My guilt increased. It suffocated me even more. But...It enlightened me too. It awoke me too. When you turned me down that day, I thought over and over. You did right because I never stood a chance. I cant seek your apology anymore. You.....You almost lost your right to life because of me. And here i was crying for you forgiving me.'
'I am grateful to you for not forgiving me completely..'
He heard her for first time...
'But I did....long back.'
'No. You didnt. If you had, you'd have been moved on.'
He saw she was still holding that chocolate he gave her. He took it from her. Tore the wrapper and offered her.
'Have it. I dont know I could offer you something beside it or not.'
She hesitantly took it.
Silence prevailed...nobody talked. Nobody heard...only stars and darkness and bit of moon. The light was scattered but not spread.
'I have so much to tell you. But more than that I want to hear you. I want to hear you speaking. Telling me to fuck off. Telling me to do whatever I can do. Telling me to whatever you want to tell me. But I think I can never have this....privilege.'
He looked at her face. It glowed even in darkness. And somehow he felt as he had gotten hold of his star in that night.
'Things has been ended. Rajveer. We cant undo it. The space it too much. Even if we try to cover it, we cant.'
He held her hands....but soon abruptly left them.
'I am so sorry..for this. But...I am not asking for you to return completely. Just ten minutes will do. Just sit with me. You can even beat the shit out of me. I would not complain.'
And he saw her smiling which swelled his heart. Warmth ran across his body.
'Its impossible.'
'Please Naina. Even once in week....Come here. Sit with me. And do nothing except it. I.....I dont know if in future I'd get this honour...this chance again. I...I want to change our connection. I want to have more with you. Just memories of you with me...that'd make me smile. That'd make me live more. Want to have more with this life...'
'Why Rajveer? Why now? We have been divorced. What's changed? Between us...in you....and in this relation that never existed . Tell me. Do you even think I've this dare...of again going through that phase? Tell me. Why now? We were together for more tham six months. Then you never tried...even after that night...when...we....You saw me all vulnerable and opened to you..not my flesh but my naked soul....and after three years when I am ok with the fact that my closeness with any person would get me into trouble, you come and want to do over. Why!!!!'
He was left tongue tied. Yes. She was right...nothing had changed. Nothing should be. Nothing was meant to change.
But....He knew...one thing. He was not changed but modified...somewhere he never expected himself to be.
'I....I know. But...You should know one thing too. You...You are integral part of my life. Not a piece anymore. I dont proclaim or profess anything but just the thing that my marriage with you was the turn in my life and now the journey had been through that road only. I cant change the coarse even if I want to. But the point is I dont want. My guilt is another thing. I took you in all wrong way. In fact I should be happy that you happened to me and I got the chance to relive...to see things again that I coukd never see.'
'This will not...change anything. You know?'
He sighed. Who would better than him!
'Yes. Naina. Yes. I KNOW. But......I want to. Cant I even dare to want this!'
'I am leaving. I cant come back to you.'
'Did I ask you to? I dont deserve you Naina. Your so pure that you....I dont know how to not tell you that even when we were together it was my fault altogether. You did what you felt right. But I did what I felt wrong always....Please Naina..Please...I want to have some time..with you. Pleaseee...'
He saw her looking at him. He was sure he saw something so pure in her eyes as it had been there the night she was naked to him, but he knew he was not worthy. She stood up and turned to go..
'We are done. Rajveer. Relations when broken once never cease to reunite. The knot always will remind you of the breakage. Please.. live your life and let me live mine.'
'I cant...not in the way you are suggesting. Just for this month or upcoming months, spare me few moments..Give me this chance naina. Nothing more nothing less.'
But she left without telling him her decision..
Rajveer again wished upon a star...hoping this night would yield to some more like this ones. He closed his eyes and let these moments be cherished by his heart. This one memory when he had nothing to give her but everything to take from her...for himself...again. these moments when he was keen to have her...but at the same moment he wanted to leave her for her own good.
It was beginning of his good memories that he wanted to make with her....First for him