Chapter 31
April 2019
~TRAVIS~
I wake up to find my soul mate still asleep beside me with his arm over my chest. I look over at the clock and see that it's ten o'clock in the morning and while I know that I have to get up, I dread the idea of leaving this position. I feel so warm and euphoric right now, I just can't bring myself to get up. I suppose I'll stay a little longer.
About thirty minutes later, he wakes up and while I want to kiss him, the burden of morning breath prevents me from even speaking to him. I get up and quickly wash my face and mouth, returning quickly to greet him.
"You see, I told you things would be different this time," Elijah says as I return to the bedroom, referencing our first sexual encounter where he gave me the cold shoulder the morning after.
We quickly get dressed and have breakfast in my kitchen where he tells me about his struggles senior year and how that led to his ostracization of me.
"Ya know, after we did stuff the first time it all just felt so weird for me. I felt like I had done something so wrong that it pained me just thinking about it. I was afraid of what other people would think of me, obviously. I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to be gay. I hated myself for feeling that way about you. Ya know, I'd look at all these straight people and I'd hate them so much because it just wasn't fair that they were normal and I wasn't."
"Straight people have it so much easier," I comment as I shake my head.
"I just wanted to be one of them. I thought that if I just ignored my feelings for you, and that of course meant ignoring you too, that it'd all go away with time. I thought that dating Heather would make me happy, but it just made me feel even worse because I could never feel the same way about her as I did for you. Ya know, it all made me so bitter and that's why I started those nasty rumors. There was no real reason behind it other than to make you feel even shittier than I did. I was an ass to you... all because I was a self loathing douche. It didn't help that my dad found out about our little threesome thanks to that bitch Heather. He thought that having a threesome with another guy made me a faggot. And it wasn't just that, but it seemed that he always had a gut feeling about me for years. I told you, he treated me like shit, always reminding me that I was going to hell. He'd talk shit about other gay people just to make me feel even worse about myself. So believe me when I tell you this, but I wasn't remotely happy that year either."
I reach for his hand, and he smiles back at me in response.
"In the years that followed, I only ever dated girls as I buried all of my gay feelings. I never got involved with any guys since. I met Michelle and thought that I really loved her. Ya know, I actually believed in us for a while. One year into our marriage, I didn't really feel like she loved me all that much anymore and well... I guess I wasn't wrong. So much for spending the rest of our lives with each other. When you came back into my life I knew that I still had feelings for you, but at the same time I knew that I couldn't act on them now that I'm married... and that kinda sucked. Her cheating finally set me free. I guess, in a way I'm glad she cheated... because now I get to be with you."
"It's crazy how fate brings people together... or in our case, back together. It only took twelve years," I say cheerfully.
"Yeah," he says after a deep sigh.
"So, um... are you actually getting a divorce?" I unfortunately had to ask him that sooner of later.
"I don't know... more than likely. I mean, I want to be with you but... this whole divorce process is gonna be a bitch," he says gloomily.
"Yeah, I can't imagine."
He just sighs again. "First, she'll have to agree to it, which I'd imagine shouldn't be too hard considering she cheated first. She should want a divorce so that she can be with that new man of hers."
"Yeah..." I reply depressingly as I unfortunately still find myself feeling dirty about the whole thing. I always wanted this moment to feel special but deep down, I can't help but feel the guilt eating away at me every time I'm reminded of the existence of Michelle. It's not quite the paradise I had imagined.
"You good?" He asks me, noticing my sudden mood shift.
"Totally," I lie, not wanting to bring up my inner stress.
He scoffs, "Whatever you say, frat boy." I swear I'm starting to fucking like the way he calls me that now. He then moves in closer and kisses me on the cheek, just before we hear a knock at my door. Who the fuck could that be?
I then get up from my seat to answer the door and find it to be none other than my best friend, Jenny. She doesn't even give me the chance to invite her in as she just walks right past me at the door, rambling about some work stuff that I'm honestly too occupied at the moment to give a fuck about. "Jen, I don't think now's the best time for..."
"What are you saying, Travis? Are you saying you want me to go already? I just got here." Well, I mean, it's my place though so...
"I uh... I kinda have company..." I mutter to her, hoping that she can take the hint.
"Oh... who is she?" She whispers to me... though it doesn't do any good because Elijah suddenly appears from out of the kitchen and overhears her from behind.
I don't verbally respond and instead just point in Elijah's direction. She turns around and finally meets the love of my life after having only seen him in pictures from my photo album. Afterall it was because of her that I even got the chance to rekindle my relationship with Elijah. She was the one who initially sent the follow request that set this chain of events into motion. Honestly, I should be thanking her for that. No wonder she's my best friend.
"Jen, meet Elijah, he's my—" What exactly is he to me now though?
"Good friend," Elijah fills in for me, modestly. Well, we're kinda more than that to each other but sure... we'll go with that for now.
"It's a pleasure to meet you!" She says with a huge smile on her face, as if satisfied that her master plan to get us back together worked out in the end. He shakes her hand and flashes her a quick smile before he grabs some of his things and heads for my front door. I don't know where he's going considering the fact that I drove him here.
"I'm gonna go for a jog real quick... I'll catch up with you later," he says awkwardly as he exits my apartment as fast as he can.
"So what was he doing here this early in the morning?" It's kinda sad that we've been friends for five years and yet she doesn't know that I'm gay. I guess now's the best time to tell her.
"Yeah... about that..."
"Wait, did he sleep over? Aw... is there still some bromance between you two? I knew it! You guys looked like you were super close in those pictures you showed me!"
"Yeah, he slept over..."
"Where though? Your apartment is so small! Oh wait, you have a couch, I'm so dumb!" Yeah, that's not where he slept.
"He didn't sleep on the couch..." I mutter as I slowly take a sip from my drink.
She just stares at me in confusion and I stare at her back, hoping that she catches on pretty soon because I don't want to have to spell it out for her.
"Wait... I... don't understand?" Seriously.
"Jen, there's something that I should probably tell you..."
"O... kay?"
"Years ago, Elijah and I had a threesome with a girl from summer camp... and well, that kinda led to me and him kissing... each other. And ever since then I've known that I was gay and that I was in love with him."
"Wow..." A surprised look washes over her face. "... So was the kiss the reason for your falling out with him or was it something else?"
"Well... it wasn't just the kiss. We did a little more that night with each other... that didn't involve the girl."
"Oh really?" She raises her eyebrow at me.
"Yeah... and after that, well... it all went to shit. The morning after, he tried to pretend that it didn't even happen. He ghosted me for weeks and when we got back to school he just stopped talking to me altogether. And that was the end of it all." Well, that's obviously not the entire story but a summed up version of it.
"Damn, that sucks... and now, you guys are finally back on speaking terms, I see?"
"A little more than that, but yes, we are."
"Isn't he married though?" Damn it, she just had to bring that up! Fucking hell!
"Well, he's getting a divorce soon... his wife cheated on him."
"Oh, I see... and he's getting back at her by cheating with you?"
"No, Jen... it's not like that. I thought that too at first but... he loves me as much as I love him."
She opens her mouth to say something but quickly stops herself, as if afraid to provoke me. She just sighs and looks into my eyes.
"What? Just say what you're thinking..."
"It's really none of my business, Travis. I shouldn't..."
"No, it's fine. Just say what you think."
"It's just... I know you're happy about it all, but... it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. He's married... and probably hurt over the fact that his wife cheated on him. It sounds like he's just using you as a rebound..."
"No, I swear it's not like that. He loves me more than her. He just felt pressured into marrying her because of how his dad treated him for being gay." Her pupils almost immediately dilate as I finish that sentence.
"Travis, do you hear yourself? That makes this entire thing even worse than it already is. He was 'pressured to get married?' If he felt 'pressured' into marrying a woman that he didn't even love at all, then that alone just says that he's got some serious issues."
"Don't say that..."
"And then on top of what you told me he did to you after you guys hooked up the first time? He sounds like he's stuck in the closet."
"He's changed..."
"Has he? Sounds like he's still the same person. He got married to a woman just to cover up the fact that he's gay. He used her... and when he got back with you he couldn't keep the lie going anymore..."
"That just reinforces the fact that he loves me," I say, unwittingly lying to myself, even though I know damn well that she's right.
"Travis, I know you want to believe that but... he's not worth it. Sounds like he just uses people... is that someone you really want to be with? And also... what if... what if he just told you that his wife cheated on him so that you'd be more willing to sleep with him?"
"What? No..." She's right. What if he was lying to me the whole time? It actually makes sense surprisingly.
"What if he was? Can you really trust him?"
"I don't know anymore."
"Travis, I'm sorry." She wraps her arm around me.
"I could feel it in my gut that something was wrong about it all... but I just wanted... I just wanted us to be together..."
"I know. I'm sorry if I ruined everything... I just care about you and I don't want to let you get hurt by this guy all over again." Damn, she's such a good friend. "What if he decides to ghost you again? What if he decides to go back to his wife, which he'll more than likely do if he's still stuck in the closet? I mean, you guys are just never going to be able to have a healthy relationship from the looks of it. He hurt you before when he got cold feet... who's to say that he won't do it again?"
"You're right. I shouldn't have hooked up with him. My gut was telling me not to, but I did it anyways. I'm so stupid."
"No, you're not. You love him... and sometimes love is stronger than reason."
"I really did. I've always loved him... it's so fucking unfair! Was there ever a chance for us?"
"Maybe. I don't know, I wasn't there but... if there was, it's way too late now." Of course it is. The second he got married it was too late for us. How is he just gonna divorce her to be with me when the whole reason of marrying her in the first place was to prove to the world that he's straight? Unless he's miraculously changed... which I doubt he actually has. I guess I'll just have to wait and see to be sure.