All American Boys
Chapter 33: Lazarus
"I'm so, so sorry," I muttered as I leaned back into the armchair. "It's all my fault."
It was no use, of course. It's not like he could hear me. And even if he could, I wasn't even sure if he could respond.
I sat there by his side, not knowing what to do. The room was cold, dark and empty save for Isaac and I. The only sound to be heard was the beeping of his heart rate monitor – it was the only sign that he was still alive. The lamp by the bedside was put on its dimmest setting, illuminating the vicinity faintly, casting shadows against the walls. I had taken over for Mrs Anderson, who had went home to rest for the night. She needed it, that poor woman. She hadn't slept for nearly two days. Hayden had come to visit on the second day, but he couldn't help watch over him, as he had to return to the base. Besides, as bad as it was, Isaac's condition had stabilised slightly, but he still needed close monitoring. That left me alone with Isaac. It was the first time I was alone with him ever since the accident.
It was all my fault. If I didn't insist on chasing him down, if I had just left him alone when he left, he wouldn't have driven off so recklessly. If I didn't, he would've seen that pickup coming in from the side.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he died. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. But for now, I could only hope that he was alright.
He had been unconscious for three days, but I couldn't forget what I saw in that wreck. The car had rolled over a few times, landing on its side. Isaac was inside, crimson blood running down his head, flowing out of his lips. I feared the worst, but the first responders told me he was still alive, but barely.
I had waited outside the emergency room, hoping that he would be alright. My heart thumped in my chest every time a doctor or nurse heading in my direction when they walked down the corridor, awaiting any updates on his condition. I had been told that Isaac had hit his head really hard during the impact, and his shattered ribs had punctured into his lungs. He was lucky that he had worn his seatbelt, or he would've been thrown out and his injuries would be far worse.
"I honestly don't know what to say to you," I said, disappointed in myself. "I didn't even know if I should even show my face here. I'm just. . . so ashamed to face you.
I took a deep breath. Isaac still lay there, a bandage banded around his head, just above his ears. The skin around his left eye had taken on a bluish tint.
"I know I've had a lot of explaining to do," I continued. "But I was scared. I was scared that you didn't want to see me anymore, after what you said. But that's when I was wrong.
His palm was open, laying limp by his side. Slowly reaching out, I placed my hand in his.
"I'm sorry," I said, after a long pause. "I. . . I only thought about myself. I never realised that then and there, that was when you needed me the most. And I've abandoned you.
My vision began to get blurry as the tears started to gloss over my eyes.
"I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, and I don't know if I ever will.
The regret and the realisation of the severity of my actions hit me all at once, like waves crashing against the shore. My heart was thrown into that turbulence, smashed against the jagged rocks lining the coast, tearing it to shreds. I tried holding back the tears, but they just started to fall.
I squeezed his hand, as the grief took a sharp kick to my chest.
"I never should've avoided the funeral. You needed me then and I just didn't show up. And to think that if you'd leave this world right now, hating me and realising how disgusting of a person I am. . . maybe it's what I deserve.
"Sorry. I-I didn't mean to put it that way," I said, choking through my tears. "Gosh, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Anyway, your mother's here too, but she's gone back for awhile. She'll be back soon, don't worry. I bet she makes better company than me anyway.
"It's been a tough few weeks," I said, more of thinking out loud than anything else. "I miss you a lot. I miss talking to you. I miss how you used to hold me and make me feel safe and like nothing could ever hurt me. I miss how. . .good you were to me. You're a really good person Isaac, and you're so strong despite everything you had to go through. Sometimes I ask myself if I even deserve you, and more often than not the answer I tell myself is no. I don't know what you see in me, because I don't see anything in myself.
"But one thing I know, is that I just want you back. I miss you so much, and you just don't know how much you mean to me. I'd do anything for you. I did anything for you. I just wanted you to be safe, I wanted you out of that situation. I just couldn't bear seeing you suffering any longer. Believe me, I tried. I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I tried to get you to move with Hayden and everything was all set up, but you just wouldn't leave. You just. . .wanted to believe that one day, that one day he'll turn around but that day wouldn't come.
I paused for a moment, but the words begged to be spoken. The deep darkest secrets of the heart that
"I don't regret what I did, but I regret how it made you feel. If I had known how devastated you'd be, if I had known how heartbroken you were. . . I probably wouldn't have done it. I just wish you could forgive me.
He couldn't hear me, could he? I could only hope my mindless confession couldn't be sued against me. Then again, a part of me felt good to finally have it out of my system. It's the first time I've been honest with anything for a while.
I looked at the clock on the far wall of the room. It was nearly 3 in the morning. My eyelids were getting heavy, so I decided to lean back into my backrest, closing my eyes. My hand was still holding on to Isaac's.
At least with Isaac, things were real. My feelings for him were and always will be more real than anything I've ever known. No matter what happens, Isaac will always be with me, and I could only hope that I could always be with him.
I hadn't even realised I had fallen asleep, until I heard the nurse's voice calling out to me.
I rubbed my eyes, squinting to see in front of me. The nurse stood there in her white uniform, a clipboard in her arm.
"I'm sorry for waking you up," she apologised. "But I'm afraid you'll have to wait outside for awhile, we need to dress his wounds."
"O-Of course," I muttered, slightly disoriented.
Fumbling around, I picked up my things and headed out of the room. I managed to steal a glance at the clock while making my hasty exit. It was almost six-forty five in the morning. Right. I had to go to school, but honestly, I didn't want to. But what else could I do? Sitting beside him here wasn't going to do anything.
I headed down the hallway to the public bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realised what a mess I looked like. My hair was all rustled, and my cheeks were still slightly sticky from the crying last night. Taking a deep breath, I bent down and washed my face, before adjusting my hair. It was the best I could do. I was going straight there, because I knew if I stopped by my house I wouldn't leave. I'd show up to class in clothes I've slept in, but that's fine I suppose. I slowly made my way down the same hallway again, lost in my own thoughts.
Isaac was all that I could think about these past few days. The thought that I might never get to see him again, to hear his gentle voice ever again gnawed away at my heart. I couldn't lose him. Not now. Not ever.
It's true, I don't go to church anymore. I don't even know if I even believe in anything anymore. But I would be lying if I hadn't more than once silently prayed that I'd never have to watch Isaac's life slipping away before my eyes. I'd do anything just to have him open his eyes again.
I couldn't lose him. And I can't believe it took him to get into an accident to finally move me to do the right thing. I had been thinking long and hard over the past few days, and I've decided that I should finally choose what was more important to me.
I saw the nurse leave his room, and she signalled to me that I could return inside. I was going to anyway, I had to say goodbye.
Isaac was still unconscious, but his heart rate monitor was still beeping. A sad smile crept up my lips, even though I knew he wouldn't be able to see it. I walked up to his side, and clasped his hand within both of mine.
"I'm going to go now," I said. "You take care alright? I know, I've done you wrong, and I've been really unfair to you. But I promise you, I'm going to finally set things right."
I leaned down and planted a kiss on his cheek.
"I love you."
With that, I let go of his hand and left the room. Walking down the hallway, I stopped by the vending machines to get myself some canned coffee and a sandwich. I'd just have breakfast in my car, I thought to myself.
As I made my way down towards the atrium, I finally found myself the time to check my phone. There were a few messages from Cyril, sent about ten minutes ago, when I was in the bathroom. He said that he was on the way to the hospital. I gulped. Cyril.
I didn't expect to see him so soon. I needed time to prepare. I needed time to calm myself.
Cyril was probably the last person I wanted to see right now. I didn't reply to his message, and quickened my pace.
I just stepped out of the entrance, turning the corner, before I found myself accidentally bumping into someone. I dropped my sandwich, but fortunately for me it was still wrapped.
"I'm so sorry," I muttered, as I bent down to pick it up.
"Woah, you alright?"
I looked up, and there he was. Cyril Crawford. In his chambray shirt and olive bomber jacket, he looked perfect as usual.
"Oh, Cyril," I said. "I didn't think I'd see you here."
I didn't need to feign my surprise.
"Did you receive my message?" he asked. "I sent it while I was on the way."
"Oh," I replied, as I took out my phone, pretending to only just have seen it. "Sorry, I was in the bathroom."
"Hey, it's fine," he said. "Sorry for disturbing you."
"How did you know I was here?" I asked.
"I asked Emily," Cyril said as he led me back to his car. "She told me you were here. How's Isaac doing by the way? I hope he's okay."
"I don't know, honestly," I muttered. "He's still unconscious, but hopefully he'll pull through."
We got into his car. I didn't even tell him my car was parked just a few spots away. My mind was all over the place, as I tried to muster my strength to finally tell him. I had to. It was the right thing to do.
But my tongue was heavy, and my lips sealed shut. I strapped in my seatbelt and placed my bag over my lap. With every passing second with him, I found it harder and harder to just tell him.
To tell him that I had to rethink our relationship. That it wasn't him, it was me. That I had been dishonest with him.
But I just kept quiet. As he began to drive out of the hospital grounds the desire to tell him just gradually slipped away.
It was then when he took a wrong turn.
"Where are you going?" I asked rather lethargically. "School's the other way."
A smile drew itself on my boyfriend's lips.
"You know," he said as he drove. "The past few days have been quite difficult for you, and I thought it'd be nice to take you on a day trip somewhere. You deserve a break."
"Thanks," I muttered.
Although to be honest I'd rather spend the day sleeping, and it wasn't like I could enjoy myself without thinking of Isaac.
"Also," Cyril added, a chuckle in his voice. "Aren't you forgetting what day it is?"
"What?" I asked.
I didn't know what he was talking about. Either that, or the lack of sleep was clouding my brain.
"Happy birthday Alex."