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THE PAST
Nervously, Juan intertwined his fingers as he sat down at the table. He swallowed, his throat felt dry and was aching. Something to drink he hadn't taken with him. As discreetly as he could he looked around, to the three detainees that were already talking to their visitors. A short, shaved man with muscular arms. A scrawny guy with owl glasses, and an old geezer who would probably never leave prison again. All much older than his brother.
Nineteen years old, and he had already spent his first week in jail. Just too old for juvie. His brother had always known how to handle himself, but could he do that in such a place too, where he had to be the youngest?
A buzzing sound startled him, where after a door opened. A guard entered the room, holding Mateo's upper arm. His hands were cuffed in front of his waist, and when Juan looked at his face he flinched.
His right eye was swollen, his lip busted; clearly new injuries contrasting the bruises his mother had left.
Feeling powerless, Juan clenched his fists, his nails cutting the flesh of his palms. This was his fault. If he hadn't taken June home, this never would have happened. Then his brother would have been home right now. He thought back to what his mother had said about prisons. Would he now be a victim of the crime his mother had accused him of? Juan didn't dare to ask, he didn't even dare to look his brother in the eye, afraid to see a lost look; proof of the most horrible thing he could think of. Instead, he stared at his cuffed hands.
"Hey."
Mateo's voice sounded hoarse. When Juan's glance glided upwards, he noticed bruises on his arms as well. His bottom lip started to tremble and briefly he wiped his eyes.
"Hey," Mateo repeated, more determined this time. "Don't cry man. That's not gonna do anyone good. Ya better tell me somethin' nice. How are you and your girl?"
Juan took a deep breath and nodded. "We're fine." His voice sounded shaky, but he had his emotions under control. "She's very sweet and understanding."
A little insecure he looked at Mateo, finding it hard to see his shiner. His brother showed him a brief smile. "Good."
In the past a snark might have followed; that those weren't the qualities he should look for in a girl, but as it seemed Mateo understood that he needed characteristics like that right now.
"She did well, that night. How she dealt with ma. How she took care of you. To be honest I always thought she was a wimpy girl, but I think she's good to you. Someone who can calm you down, who's showing strength in her own way."
Overwhelmed, Juan stared at his brother. His approval meant so much to him that he didn't even know how to respond.
"I told her. That I love her." He didn't know why he told him that. Maybe because it meant so much to the both of them, and he wanted to share it with his brother. "The night after the fight... she said such sweet things. I wanted to break up with her because the fight was causing her nightmares, but then she told me the goal of a relationship was going through things together. Good things and bad things." He blushed a bit, but there was a softened look on Mateo's face.
"And she didn't run to the hills?" he winked.
"No. She told me that she loves me too."
Now his smile did turn into a smirk. "That lil brotha of mine. That's some serious shit between the two of ya, huh? Who would have guessed, of all people it's my baby brother who hooks his dream girl at 16." He leaned forward a little. "You already did somethin'?"
Juan noticed that Mateo rather talked about this subject than about his life in prison or how things went at home, and he wished there was more to say. "Not yet. I uh, I find it hard sometimes," he admitted.
"You tried somethin'? Maybe she wants too but is too shy."
"I did," he muttered. "A little. But she's kinda firm." He shrugged his shoulders. "It's okay, I can wait. But sometimes when we're kissing I find it hard not to go further."
Nervously he bit his lip – there was no doubt that Mateo would have pushed for more, but for Juan there were more than lustful feelings alone.
"What can I say kid... I woulda lacked the patience," Mateo answered with a grin. "But it seems you gotta make sacrifices for love."
Juan nodded slowly. That was true. Everything else about her was fantastic, but nobody was perfect and it wasn't that big of a deal. Still he hoped it wouldn't take months before she wanted to go to second base.
"By the way... I'd bought us some tickets to go to Luna by the end of the month. They're in the top drawer of my desk. She already knows about it. I'd wanted to surprise you but well, I'm gonna be stuck in here for a while. Why don't you take your girl with ya? If you give the airline a call, I'm sure they can change the ticket; I'll pay the additional costs."
"Wow..." Juan didn't know what to say. Somehow he felt even more guilty about the whole situation; his brother was always arranging so many cool things for him and he never did anything in return. All he did, was causing him misery.
"It's for four days. Go have some fun kid. Both of ya. All this shit ain't easy for her either. You're still living with her family?"
He shook his head. "Ma was released from the hospital yesterday. She's still tired and slept most of the day."
"It's a shame she's still wakin' up," Mateo huffed.
A little uncomfortable, Juan rubbed his hands. Would Mateo really want their mother dead? He understood his frustration and anger... but losing your mother, that was a big thing. They already lost their father...
"So uh, how are are things around here?" he asked softly. He no longer wanted to talk about his mother. This was a hard subject as well, but he couldn't pretend that he hadn't noticed all his brother's injuries.
He shrugged his shoulders, squeezing his eyes for a second at the movement as if he was in pain. Would his ribs be bruised too?
"It's only for six weeks. I'll survive."
Juan wiped his eyes and breathed in shakily.
Mateo reached over the table and with his cuffed hands, he took Juan's. "Don't worry about me kid. I'll be fine. I gotta earn my spot here, which leads to some beat-ups but really, it coulda been much worse. My cell mate is more afraid of me than the other way around, so I can sleep soundly at night."
He gave Juan a wink, which made him look away awkwardly. It felt like Mateo had picked up on his fear.
"I just hope these weeks will be over soon," he muttered. "It's hard to enjoy the holidays when you're here." Again, his eyes wandered across all the bruises.
"You better try, kid. Ya need to have some fun. And well, this is just another thing I can cross off my list." He smirked. "People will think twice before jamming up with a guy who's been in prison."
Juan dared to bet that most people who knew Mateo would think twice before getting into a fight with him anyway, but he kept those words to himself. If this was his way to get himself through this, Juan was at peace with it.
"Shall I come back next week?" Juan asked when a guard alerted him that visiting hour was almost over.
Mateo seemed to hesitate. "You don't hate to see me like this?" He lifted his cuffed wrists.
"I do, but it's better than not seein' you at all," he muttered. For it was true – he missed his brother and was worried about him. And after seeing his battered face, those worries only increased.
"Okay fine. I have a right to be visited one hour a week. Why don't you take Emilio with you? Will give 'm another tall tale to tell."
Juan bent his head. He didn't want his friend to talk about this with anyone. He rather told himself that nobody would ever find out that his brother had been in jail.
"Hey, people talk shit anyway Juan." As always, Mateo easily felt his struggle. "They can do whatever the fuck they want. I'm not ashamed of what I did – I would do it again if I had to. You shouldn't feel ashamed either." He softly kicked his foot. "We're above them, remember? Easy for them to judge with their perfect lil families. If they'd been in our situation, they'd wished they got the balls to do somethin' about it."
Juan swallowed a sigh. He didn't know if he agreed, but he knew he had to end the conversation.
"I gotta go," he said softly. "Gonna ask Emilio to come with me next time."
At least his friend would keep things light, he was sure of it. Maybe that was the reason Mateo wanted him around.
"Awesome. Keep your head up kid. I love you."
"Love you too," Juan answered timidly – he wasn't sure he had ever told him, he'd probably said it to no one but June. But right now... right now he just wanted his brother to know.
A lot could happen within a week...
. . .
After the prison visit, there was a tight feeling in his chest. Again and again he thought about the bruises on Mateo's face and arms, and he unwillingly imagined a group of tattooed giants beating his brother's face to pulp. His breathing seemed to be stuck in his throat, every breath he took seemed to cause him more trouble and the tears were clearly lying in wait.
He didn't exactly know why he put the key into the door of June's house half an hour later. She hung out with friends today and the twins had gone to the swimming pool.
It was Hannah who he wanted to see, even though that need made him nervous and insecure. June's mother had enough on her plate without him burdening her with his shit, but maybe he could keep his feelings to himself and was her serenity enough to calm him down.
As he entered the living room, he discovered there was no domestic help. Most days June made sure there was someone around to help her mother, although Hannah insisted that there were still a lot of things she could do herself; it just took a lot of effort.
Juan saw that she was sleeping. He didn't know what to do now. Should he wake her up? Leave? Wait? He was still considering his options when a soft voice dragged him out of his thoughts.
"Hello Juan. I already thought I heard the door."
"Hey... I uh, I thought that you were sleepin'."
"I was just dozing off."
He walked towards the bed and a little shy, he kissed her cheek. He didn't know when that habit had started, it just always seemed the most natural thing to do.
"I uhm... the weather is nice so uh... I thought maybe you wanted to go out for walk," he stammered, rubbing his neck. "With the wheelchair, I mean." Nervously, he balanced on the balls of his feet, not knowing why he felt so jittery. She had never been unfriendly, but still he was afraid that she didn't want him around now June wasn't home.
"How thoughtful of you. That would be lovely."
Relieved, Juan took a deep breath, feeling much lighter instantly. He walked to the wheelchair that was on the other side of the room and rolled it to the bed, helping the woman in it.
The warm glance she showed him was one of the many beautiful things she had passed on to her daughter, and he felt how he was already calming down a little.
Juan took her to the park. It was hard to keep a conversation going with all the traffic coming by, but when they were surrounded by grass and trees, Hannah gestured to a bench.
"Let's take a seat over there."
Juan put the wheelchair next to the bench and offered her his arm to support her. Slowly, she shuffled around him and sat down on the bench. With a smile she watched a group of boys who were playing soccer on the other side of the pond.
"Today you visited your brother, right?" she asked after a while. "June told me you wanted to go alone."
"Yeah," he muttered. Mateo and June had talked so little, he didn't want them to get to know each other in prison.
"How was he?"
Juan bent his head and stared at the gravel path his feet were resting upon. Should he be honest? For some reason lying to a terminally ill woman felt as a deadly sin.
"He was beaten up," he muttered. The moment the words left his mouth, the tears showed up. Fiercely, he wiped them away.
Hannah placed a hand between his shoulders, moving it up and down. "Let it out, Juan. Sometimes that's the best thing to do. There's nothing wrong with that."
He took a deep breath as he kept wiping his eyes almost compulsively. "It's just... there are so many of – of these stories," he mumbled. "Of people being stabbed in prison or – or raped. I'm just so scared something like that will happen to him. He has to be one of the youngest in there..."
Hanna turned a little, pulling him close. His head was leaning against her shoulder as she wrapped her arms around him, only causing Juan to cry harder.
So this was how it was supposed to feel. The love of a mother.
The only thing his own mother did was telling his girlfriend that she was better off without him and that he was doing it with his brother.
"June told me Mateo stabbed the boy who assaulted her on prom night. I'm sure he can handle himself. He doesn't sound like the type letting himself being humiliated by others, I rather think he provoked a fight to command respect." She pulled back a little so she could look him in the eye. "I'm sure the one he fought with looks much worse." She winked.
Again Juan wiped his eyes. Her words gave him hope he never thought he would find. "I feel so bad that you won't grow old," he blurted out, even before the thought had finished in his head. "Sometimes I wish that my own mother... and that you..."
"Ssh, don't say things like that, Juan. The relationship with your mother needs time to restore. You're a sweet, caring boy. I can't think of a better man for my daughter and I'm sure your mother will see that too."
Juan bit his lip. "She wouldn't have comforted me," he whispered. "She only would have yelled that I'm acting like a baby and that Mateo deserves to be... to be raped."
With sad eyes, she looked at him, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "I'm sorry to hear that, Juan. Maybe I can talk to her one day?"
"No, you don't have to do that," he muttered. "I'm sure she's gonna be very friendly until the moment you leave."
"Well I'm not that easy to manipulate," she winked. "Just give it a thought. Adults might look differently at the situation. But know that you're always welcome to our home, Juan. I won't live long enough to officially call you my son-in-law, but in my eyes you already are. It's been a long time since I've seen my daughter so happy."
Juan blushed and didn't know what to say. He was deeply moved by her words. "She makes me happy too," he said quietly. "I don't know how I'd survived the past week without her. She's been of a great help. And – and you too. Even the twins."
She showed him one more warm smile.
For a while they were silent, then he remembered the tickets Mateo had spoken of. "My brother bought two flight tickets so we could visit my sister by the end of the month. She lives in Kansas. But he can't go now and thought eh, he thought that June might want to go in his place." He intertwined his fingers. "But I'm afraid she doesn't want to leave you alone. It will be a four days trip."
"There are already too many things June is missing because of me; that isn't how things are supposed to be. It will do her good, getting out for a few days. I make sure someone is around to help me, don't worry about it."
A smile crossed Juan's face. He was really looking forward to it; just leaving this place for a while. Being together. Well – and with his sister and her boyfriend. But it was still a break from all this.
"I think you should surprise her the day before," Hannah mused. "If not, she'll be worried for weeks. I'll ask my parents to come over that week, so she will leave me in good hands."
"Thanks," he said softly. "Also because uh, because you wanted to listen to me."
"I'm happy that you confide in me, Juan. I understand that has been a big step, since the difficult relationship with your own mother."
"Well... actually it just sort of happened," he murmured. "Before I knew it I was at the door while I knew June wasn't home."
She smiled – even though this smile looked a little weary.
Quickly he stood up. "You're tired. I will bring you back."
She grabbed his arm as she got on her feet and he helped her into the wheelchair. "Thank you, my dear. I wish I had more energy, but even on a beautiful day like this I have to face my limits. It's indeed better if you walk me home."
A bit ashamed because he had robbed her of the little energy she had, he turned the wheelchair and started to walk back. Still his body felt less heavy than when he had left prison and in silence he tried to convince himself that this hadn't been only a precious moment for him, but also for her.
Deep down he knew it was true – but still he found it hard to accept that she indeed wanted to waste the little energy she had on someone like him.