Edited
THE PRESENT
With a sigh Emilio got up. "You're bein' paranoid man! You really think June would ever look at me again if I turned you over to your club?"
The fact that Juan was expecting him to do something so low, stung and even though he knew that everyone who he had trusted over the past few years had turned their backs on him, it didn't make it hurt less.
"I'm tryin' to help you man. You think yer gonna last much longer if ya keep livin' like this? Lookin' over your shoulder the whole time, and runnin' away every time a fuckin' shadow moves?" He walked toward Juan. He was still sitting on his bike, but he hadn't started the engine yet, his gaze focused on the handlebars. The muscles in his arms were tense and Emilio's glance rested upon the Reaper.
"We have to black out that tattoo."
"We ain't gonna do anything," Juan grumbled. He looked up, the hatred was flaring in his eyes. "There's no we and there never will be."
Emilio rolled his eyes. "You called me for a reason, Juan. What's the point in askin' for help if your just gonna reject it anyway?"
"I just needed a joint."
"Bullshit. You wanted advice about June and Rafi." His hands slipped into his pockets and he came to stand next to Juan. For some reason there was a weak feeling in his knees – a nervousness that he was unfamiliar with, his breath catching in his chest.
Juan sighed, glanced briefly at him and slid off his bike. His hands patted his pockets and Emilio sensed that he was looking for a cigarette, and offered him his own pack.
In silence Juan lit the cigarette and tucked away the pack in his own pocket.
Emilio realized that he should be the one starting a conversation as the silence descended; "Listen, we don't have to get you a new ID right now. As long as you're laying low and don't end up in the hospital or get into trouble with the cops you'll be fine. Why don't ya come stay at our house for a few days. Get to know your son a little, spend some time with us... I dunno, ease into the idea that there are still people who care about you. If you feel like you're ready for it, you tell Rafi that you're his father and if you come to the conclusion that you'd rather leave, you'll have at least tried. You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself."
Juan raised his eyebrows, giving him a dismissive look. "You really want me to sleep under the same roof as you?"
Emilio shrugged. "I won't even mind if you'd sleep in the same bed." He smirked. "You can't tell me you've never had a threesome in that clubhouse of yours."
"Yeah but not with guys," he answered, rolling his eyes.
They briefly looked at each other and for a short moment it seemed like Juan was lifting the corner of his mouth. Then his gaze turned dark again, like he had forgotten for a moment who was standing next to him – and what he had done.
"Do you even love her? The thought that she's been doin' it with someone else hurts, but you... every time it comes up you seem to think it's funny."
Emilio shrugged his shoulders. "Any other guy I woulda punched in the face if they'd touched June, but not you. Since the first time June and I kissed, I knew she still had feelings for you. Imagining the two of you having sex... it just feels natural." He grinned, with a shrug. "Just good porn to me cause that's hard to find these days."
Even now though they had been heading to a serious conversation, the thought of a threesome – or just watching Juan and June – turned him on.
"So yeah, I love her," he answered, mainly to distract himself from his pants as they started to feel tight. "I love her enough to give her up for you if she decides she wants that. If you decide to stay with her." He held his glance. "But if you break her heart again I'll kill you."
Juan dropped his eyes. "Think I would already do that myself." He let out a deep sigh. "Don't you think I'm gonna cause problems for your little family if I live with them for a while?"
"You're Rafi's father. You're part of that family."
Juan looked up again. Emilio saw a vulnerability in his eyes that made him want to pull him into a hug. His own family had always been fucked up, and he had always longed for a family to replace his own. This time, hope was gleaming in his eyes again.
He laid an arm around Juan's shoulder and looked at him. "I know you still hate me. But to me, you'll always be my brother. My house is yours, my kids are yours and yes, even my girl can be yours." He smirked. "I'm kinda generous, don't ya think?"
When Emilio caught his glance, there was a weird but pleasant feeling in his stomach. Maybe Juan wasn't ready to admit it to himself – and certainly not to him – but Emilio could read his longing for their former friendship in his eyes.
He missed the old times too.
"Wanna ask June how she feels about it?" he suggested.
Juan heaved another sigh. "Okay, fine. Don't know what else to do anyway. Can't keep usin' someone's barn to get some sleep."
. . .
Since the moment Juan had asked for Emilio's number, June was nervous. Of course she hoped that the two would be able to bury their differences, but she was more afraid that things would get out of hand, resulting in a phone call from the hospital.
When she heard the rumbling of a bike, she held her breath. Walking to the window, she saw that the vehicle parked close to her door. Her heart sputtered in her chest when Juan got off it and took off his helmet. He glanced over his shoulder towards the car that was parking a little away from him, then he caught her standing behind the window.
She felt her cheeks glow as their eyes met, and immediately her legs seemed to be made of jelly. No matter how horrible he felt, how exhausted he looked – butterflies began racing inside her stomach the moment he looked at her. As she headed to the front door there was only one thing on her mind – and that was holding him in her arms.
As soon as she had opened the door, she pulled him in her arms, holding him so tight that he was gasping for breath. Tears stung her eyes. She had been so afraid that she would never see him again, that him showing up at her door was really just a dream.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. She could feel his lips in her hair. "I shouldn't have left you like that yesterday."
"It's okay," she said quietly. With closed eyes she leaned into his embrace. She wanted to get closer to him, wanted to feel his warm skin on hers like in the old days.
When she opened her eyes again, she found herself looking right into Emilio's face. When they had been younger there had always been a sneering grin on his face on moments like this, now there was just a sad smile. He briefly rubbed her back and kissed her cheek as he walked past them.
She swallowed, feeling a stab in her heart. The wings of the butterflies froze and crashed down, and she let go of Juan and stared a little ashamed at the ground.
She was still with Emilio. She couldn't long for her ex in such a way. He might want to give them the feeling he didn't mind, but she could see in his eyes that it was just an act and that it did hurt him to see them like this.
Awkwardly Juan and June went into the living room. Emilio stood next to the kitchen table and pressed a kiss against Glenn's head, who had been coloring. As soon as he noticed his father, he wrapped his small arms around his waist.
She looked to the side. Juan's eyes were fixed at the man, and there was no doubt in her mind that he was thinking about his own son and all the years he had missed.
"How are you doin'?" she asked softly as she realized that she had barely said a word to him.
He rubbed his head. "Still a mess in here." Skittishly he glanced at Emilio. "I uh – I just needed to talk to another man. I don't want to burden you with all my shit and well – he still has a lot of makin' up to do."
"I'm glad the two of you returned without new bruises," she said. "I didn't dare to hope for that."
His brown eyes rested in hers. She saw that he lifted his hand, but when it was halfway to her face he lowered it. His shoulders slumped down.
Even though it caused a conflicting feeling, June was glad that he had changed his mind. It was for the best that they didn't show affection when the children were around.
Emilio returned to them and they sat down on the couch; Juan sitting on one and Emilio and June on the other. Not knowing what to expect, she looked back and forth between the two men, until Emilio started to speak.
"I told him he could live here for a while. If you agree with it, of course."
June's eyes widened. She felt offended because he presented that choice to her in such a way, with Juan just a meter away from her. But this was typical Emilio – tossing out a suggestion like this and not thinking about the possible consequences until someone pointed them out.
"He can't," she said quietly. "He can stay at Jordy's place."
"He has the right to get to know his son, June."
She dropped her eyes. She knew that. "Does that mean that you're staying?" she asked Juan. "Believe me, I want Rafi to get to know his dad, but not if that means you'll disappear again. The moment he knows that you're his father, you will have to be his father."
"I can't make that decision yet," Juan muttered. "But I want to get to know him. He – he doesn't need to know that I'm his father. Just... just introduce me as a friend."
"We can't," she sighed.
"Why not?"
June folded her hands. "Because there's a picture on his nightstand of a man who looks a lot like you."
"Looks like me?" he answered, his eyebrows raised.
"Right, shit..." Emilio sighed. "Didn't think of that."
June had a strong feeling there where a whole lot of things he hadn't thought of. Like the story she had told her son. She found it hard to predict how Juan would respond to that, but there was no way around it. "I told Rafi that his father died a hero." She kept Juan's glance, watching his cheeks pale. "And I said that his father's name was Mateo. The moment he sees you, he will know that you're his uncle."
"Well... still less shocking than his father, right?" Emilio shrugged. "At least he knows about his uncle Juan."
June massaged her temples. If Juan wanted to pretend to be his son's uncle to figure out what he wanted with his son, she had to accept that. She couldn't force him into anything and deep inside there was nothing she wanted more than the two to have a good relationship.
"Rafi will know that we have lied to him the other day. When we told him that Juan my ex and Juan his uncle were two different people."
Emilio shrugged his shoulders once more. "Just tell him you felt embarrassed because you slept with both brothers."
She gritted her teeth. That wasn't exactly a topic she wanted to discuss with her son, especially when it was a lie. If she was being honest she didn't want to tell her son more lies at all – he would be distraught if he discovered that his father had been alive all along, and if Juan was going to pretend to be his uncle, things were only going to get even worse. But what else could she do? What if this was the only way Juan could get used to the idea that he had a fifteen year old son? Any other approach might scare him away...
With a sigh, she turned her attention to Juan. "You want this?"
The look in his eyes told her he barely heard her; he was still processing the idea that his son thought that he was dead and that June had used his dead brother to spin her web of lies.
"I don't know," he muttered.
"Well it's simple," Emilio said. "When you're uncle Juan, you can just leave if you can't take it anymore. There's nothing suspicious about a short family visit. When you're daddy Juan, you can't leave. And c'mon June, Rafi is a smart kid. He'll understand why you've kept the truth from him."
Yes, he would understand. There was no doubt about that. But that didn't mean that the truth wouldn't hurt him and that it would change their relationship for good once he knew she had lied to him his whole life.
She had always feared her lies would come to light, but now that the time had come she wasn't ready for it at all.
"I don't know," she sighed, raking a hand through her hair. "I don't know what's best for him."
Emilio's hand glided in hers and he gave her a reassuring squeeze. "There are no easy answers for this fucked up situation. At least this will give us some time to get used to each other and to decide what we want. The lie is already there. We just maintain it a little longer."
June closed her eyes, and didn't open them before she heard Juan's voice. He sounded, insecure, fragile.
"Do you want me around at all, June? I get it if you want me to crash somewhere else. Maybe I should stay a little longer at Jordy's..."
"You won't get to know your son when you stay at Jordy's," she muttered. Sighing, she rubbed her face. She felt torn. On the one hand she wanted him close, especially because she would only worry about him if he wasn't. On the other hand she found it hard to be close to Emilio and Juan, and even though they seemed to have buried the hatchet, she knew for sure more outbursts were to come if they were forced to see each other every day.
"This is such a mess," she muttered. "Fine, let's introduce you as his uncle."
After these words she stood up and went upstairs, leaving the men behind as she retreated to her bedroom and pulled the blankets tight around her. Quietly she started to sob – she had no idea how to deal with all this.
She longed for two strong arms around her, but the thought that she didn't even know whose arms she wanted right now, made everything only worse.
She felt displaced, torn away from what had been her life. Although she was reaching for the remnants of it, she had no idea how to bring them back together.