This still breaks my heart—
***********
"Hello, beautiful," a charming little fellow greeted me.
"Hey handsome," I replied, smiling cheekily.
His grin widened at my reply and he held out a hand.
"Would you do me the honor of granting me a dance, m'lady?" he asked, offering me his hand.
"Of course," I answered, letting my hand slip into his.
Now, you must be wondering who the hell this was, whom I was speaking to with the utmost comfort. Well then, let me fill you in. This was Lucas.
Yes, yes, the same Lucas from the party a few days ago. He had cornered me just after I walked away from Tina.
"The look on her face! Priceless!" he had exclaimed.
I grinned at him. "Glad to see someone who shares the same spite towards her."
"Lucas Perkins, at your service, again," he grinned holding his hand out for me to shake.
"I'm honored to be in your presence, Sir Lucas," I teased.
He laughed and the two of us hit off.
"So you know Tina?" I asked conversationally.
"Oh yes," he shuddered. "Had the misfortune to meet her at a charity event. And oh god, that girl scares me."
"What did she do?" I asked curiously.
"Almost immediately as she saw me, she started clinging to my arm and chatting with me, with that high pitched voice, as if we were the best of friends." He made a disgusted expression. "No offense but I have no interest in girls."
I burst out laughing at his clear disdain of her. "And then she saw Xavier. She forgot all about me and began clinging on him instead," he shuddered again.
After that, we just hit it off from there and had been talking for hours.
I hadn't seen Xavier since my dance with him, so I had no idea where he was.
"Hey Luke?" I asked.
"Yeah?" He answered.
"Do you have any idea where Xavier has disappeared off to?" I asked, frowning. "He brought me here and now is nowhere in sight."
"Yeah," Luke grinned sheepishly. "He had to attend to some work...but he said he would be back soon."
I narrowed my eyes. "Work? Here?"
"Yeah. But he should be back in a few minutes."
"Hm," I hummed.
And then we continued chatting before Lucas had to excuse himself for a bit. I chatted with Adeline's friends for a few minutes, before making my way to the food table again.
On my way, I was intercepted by Lucas again, and that's how the conversation started off. Luke guided me off to the dance floor and we laughed as we twirled around. He wasn't the best at dancing, not as good as Xavier anyway, and stepped on my toes for the umpteenth time before apologizing.
"I'm really not good at dancing," he cursed.
"No crap, Sherlock," I teased.
He playfully stuck his tongue out at me.
"May I have this dance?" a cold voice asked.
I turned my head a fraction to the left, to see Xavier standing there, shooting glares at us.
"Hm...let me think. How about no?" I asked and turned back to Luke, who was laughing his bottom off.
"Alright Lucas. Your job is complete. You can go," Xavier told Luke, teeth clenched together.
"Job? What job?" I asked, confused.
"He asked me to give you company while he was away," Luke explained, grinning sheepishly.
"Oh," I said.
I furrowed my eyebrows.
Why would he care whether I was bored or not?
Before I knew it, Luke gave me a parting wave and let Xavier take his place.
He slowly placed his hands on my hips and I could feel his fingers burning into my skin. I shivered slightly. He pulled me in close, before continuing to twirl with me.
I let one hand rest on his shoulder while my other stayed on his chest. I could practically feel the muscles bunch underneath my fingers. I wanted to touch his bare chest again.
Shaking my head to rid myself of those ridiculous thoughts, I instead decided to focus on Xavier's eyes.
Bad idea.
My mouth had opened as if to ask a question but froze as soon as my eyes made contact with his. They were lighter now, with grey mingling with the blue.
He raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Where were you?" I finally asked.
"Out," he answered curtly.
"Why?"
"Had to attend to a call."
"Business call?"
He nodded.
I pursued my lips. "Why are you here, anyway?In Redwood?"
"To meet my aunt and uncle," he answered.
I nodded slowly.
Once again, without warning, Xavier released me and pulled me into a spin. But, this time, just before he pulled me back into his arms, he dipped me so that my back was arched and my head was nearer to the ground.
I gasped softly as I stared at his looming face, moving closer and closer to mine, still supporting my body as he had not uplifted me yet. His face dipped and out of nowhere, his lips placed a feathery kiss on the hollow of my neck.
Before I could recover from the shock, he had already pulled me back up and continued to twirl me around. A round of applause sprang up and my cheeks reddened as everyone looked at us and clapped in admiration.
I looked back up into his sapphire orbs to find him already looking at me.
"What the hell?" I hissed at him.
His shoulder rose in a shrug.
"What was that for?" I scowled, trying to move away and this time, he let me.
He didn't answer and that seemed to fuel my sudden anger.
"You can't just keep doing that!" I seethed, keeping my voice quiet so as not to draw attention to myself. "One moment you are all nice and then you go and call me a slut. I'm not your plaything for you to use when you want and just throw away after."
"Elaine..." he trailed off.
"What?" I glared.
It looked like he was having an internal battle, deep within himself.
He drew in a deep breath. "I need to tell you something."
"What?" I asked again, this time my voice a little guarded. I did not want to get hurt again.
"Let's get out of here," he breathed. Before I could answer, he had already taken a hold of my arm and was tugging me outside.
"I never actually said that I wanted to hear whatever you wanted to say," I huffed, digging my heels into the ground stubbornly.
Okay, so I knew I was probably acting like a bitvh right now, but I couldn't help it. I was afraid that he would say something far worse than what he had already said to ruin me.
He didn't answer, as expected and began tugging me with a stronger force. He made sure I climbed into the car and secured my seatbelt -probably because he thought I would run away - before he sat on the driver's seat.
He began driving and I had no idea where we going. He might as well dump me in the middle of the road at this rate.
The speed he was driving at was maddening. He swerved the car expertly, without a care about the mountain edge that the tyre had almost slipped off to.
"Will you drive a little slower?" I asked, my teeth clenched together, while my hands held the seat for dear life.
He released a breath and began driving a little more slowly and carefully as he saw the state I was in.
We entered a forest-like area and he parked the car at the edge of a trail before getting out of the car.
I made a horrified face as he opened the door on my side.
"I'm not going in there. Especially not at night," I said firmly, edging sideways in the seat.
"I'll keep you safe. Now get down," he said impatiently.
"And you expect me to trust you?" I retorted. "You could kill me and dump my body off here, for all I know."
And then my eyes widened. "You aren't going to do that, right?"
He sighed and reached into the car, pulling me out despite my protests.
"I could have killed you a long time ago if I had wanted to," he muttered. "Now come."
"Because that's just so reassuring!" I shouted at his back and then hurried to catch up with him. I really didn't want to be out all alone in this area and Xavier had already locked the car.
Infuriating bastard!
My pace matched his as he took long strides into the forest.
"Why are we here, anyway?" I asked, trying to get rid of the creepy silence and also trying to distract myself from shuddering every time I heard the hooting of an owl or the howl of a wolf.
"I fu€led up in the forest, so it's just right that I make it up to you in the forest as well," he muttered.
After that, it was silent. That is until I started hearing the sounds of running water. After walking a few more miles, we came upon a beautiful, clear stream, with water gushing out of a crack in the rocks.
Xavier stopped and beckoned for me to take a seat at one of the rocks, littering either sides of the stream.
Strapping my heels off, I raised the hem of my dress and let my feet dip into the cool, running water. It was quiet for a while as I enjoyed the crisp air caressing my skin, while the water soothed my aching feet.
After a few minutes of hesitation, Xavier joined me, sitting on the rock across from me. He watched me with hooded eyes as I closed my eyes and leant back slightly. It was so peaceful out here. And just a moment ago, I was complaining about how creepy this place was.
"You come here often?" I asked, my voice soft.
"Yes. I found this place in my childhood years." His voice was equally quiet.
"You said you wanted to make amends," I urged him gently.
His eyes rose to mine in surprise, "You're willing to hear it?"
I shrugged, "Might as well get it over with since you brought me out here and all."
"I didn't think you would have wanted to hear me out. I thought I would probably have to beg you for hours."
"Oh, I wouldn't mind that either," I teased. "You can get on your knees in front of me."
He glared at me playfully. A side of him that I had not often seen.
"I wasn't planning on listening to you, to be honest," I paused, "But after you bringing me here...I don't know, it's a very calming place so I'll hear you out."
He smiled.
"Now get on with it. I don't have all day," I said mirthfully.
He was silent for a while again. And then, taking a deep breath, he started.
"I want you to know this," he said, his voice low and ashamed. "I want you to know how bad I feel for uttering that lie on that excursion. I'm sorry. I really didn't want to do that, but..."
"Then, why did you do it?" I whispered.
He looked down. "I'm not a good person, Elaine. I have already told you this. I'm dangerous. I'm not a good man."
"What if I don't want a good man?" I asked, my voice quiet.
"And that's exactly the problem, isn't it?" he laughed humorlessly. "You don't know how formidable I actually am."
"Then tell me," I demanded.
"I am a gang leader, Elaine. And that's not something to take lightly."
I gasped, my overdramatic self, having to come out and slapped a hand to my mouth.
"A gang leader?" I spluttered.
He nodded.
"But, you're so young..."
"And that's why I rule over the junior side while my father is the senior-side gang leader." He inputted.
"Oh...that sounds like you're some kind of prefect," I muttered.
He glared at me. "This is a serious matter."
"Okay, so?"
"So what?"
"So you think I won't be able to protect myself?"
He shook his head. "It's not about you protecting yourself. I have many enemies and they'll do anything to get to me."
"I think I can take care of myself, Xavier," I said softly.
"You don't understand!" he said, running a hand through his hair, frustratedly. "You'll get hurt the closer you get to me."
"What if I want to risk it?" I demanded.
He snarled. "I'm not letting you get hurt, Elaine. Not on my account."
"Because you'll feel guilty?" I snorted.
"No...because I care. For you," he said, looking into my eyes.
"Why do I find that so hard to believe?" I asked incredulously.
Even the thought seemed stupid.
He growled in frustration, "I'm not good at this. I'm really not good at this."
"Yah, I can see that," I told him, eyebrows raised.
"And that's why, I have no other choice," he murmured.
"What—" I started, but was cut off almost immediately as Xavier moved over in one quick motion and before I knew it, his lips were on mine.
They worked over mine softly, but desperately as he continued to kiss me. I was frozen in shock and didn't respond for a few seconds. He started pulling away as he took account of my motionless body, but before he could, my body seeming to have a mind of its own, pulled him back to me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck as I kissed him back with all the fervor that I could muster. His lips were soft and perfect as they moved over mine. My fingers tangled themselves in his hair as I moved even closer to him.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he pulled away and stumbled backwards.
"I shouldn't have done that," he muttered. "I am so sorry. That was a mistake. That shouldn't have happened."
I felt my anger flare at his words.
"Stop it!" I yelled at him and his head snapped up to mine in shock. "You always do this! You always pull away. I'm sick and tired of waiting for you to stop moving away from me. To finally let me in."
"Then stop running behind me," he snarled back. "You keep having that sad look on your face and it keeps making me feel guilty. And that's why I had to do this." He even had the audacity to make a disgusted expression.
"You're doing it again," I whispered and slid back down to the rock as my knees felt weak. My eyes were starting to brim with tears as I felt the hurt travel through my body in shocks as I registered his words.
He was silent.
I couldn't hold it in anymore and I buried my face in my hands as silent tears poured down my cheeks.
I felt movement from beside me and then surprisingly, felt strong, warm arms wrap around me. I tried to move away, I tried to fight him away, but I was way too exhausted. My weak attempts diminished and soon I succumbed to his touch.
His arms encircled my waist as he slowly rocked me back and forth, muttering, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" all the while.
My head rested on his chest as my hands fell from my face to hang loosely at my side. Slowly, but surely, the tears disappeared and I was a sniffling mess.
"Sorry," I muttered, moving away.
He shook his head and sighed. "I want to be honest with you," he said, his voice quiet. "I really do. But...I'm afraid," his voice ended in a whisper.
"Afraid of what?" I asked, watching him carefully and this time, more guardedly. I had let my emotions loose at that time and that was why he was able to get to me so quickly. I was not going to make that mistake again.
"Afraid of losing you. Of hurting you. Of seeing you get hurt. Of letting you in through my defenses. Of letting you see what a monster I really am," he said, his voice growing stronger with each sentence.
"Don't you think this is hurting me?" I asked him, pointing at my heart. "Every time you do this, every time you call me a pity and pathetic excuse for a human being. Don't you think that hurts?"
"I know it does. And I also know that everything I say at that time is a complete lie. I have to hurt you. It's the only way." He sounded so convinced of himself.
"Then why did you bring me here?" I demanded. "Do you think I'm looking for the pain? You think I want to feel you hurting me again and again, breaking my heart to pieces after raising my expectations? I stayed away from you! I did as you asked and somehow you came back here and started being all friendly and nice. Well, your version of nice, anyways."
"I know," he whispered. "I kept myself away from you for as long as I could. But when I realized that I'm going to be spending the next two weeks with you so close to me...I don't know, my determination snapped and the urge to see you and make sure you were safe was stronger."
"How do you even expect me to believe you?" I spat bitterly. "All you ever do is insult me and hurt me for every single thing I do. How the hell do I let myself trust you!?"
"You shouldn't."
I sighed frustratedly, tugging on the ends of my hair. "Take me home," I ordered.
"Elaine..."
"No. I don't want to hear anything else from you," I said, begging my voice to be firm.
"Elaine, please. Just hear me out once. Let me explain to you fully about why I'm doing this," he begged.
"One minute you're telling me not to trust you and the other, you're telling me to hear you out. Make up your damn mind, Xavier!" I yelled.
"I know," he said. "And I'm sorry. I'm just too selfish."
"That you are," I agreed.
"Just once, tesoro. Hear me out."
"I gave you that chance already, Xavier. And look where that ended with me in. Once again, I have been reduced to tears. I don't want to do that again."
"I swear I won't try to hurt you..."
I laughed humorlessly and shook my head. "You say that and in about another half an hour, I'll find myself heartbroken again."
"I just don't want you to get hurt because someone is trying to get to me," he murmured.
"I can freaking take care of myself, Xavier!" I snapped.
"She said the same thing too," he yelled. "And look where that landed her. In the grave," he chuckled mirthlessly.
I froze. "Who are you talking about?"
There was a moment of silence as I stared at Xavier in shock at his outburst. His head was hung low, as if he was ashamed of himself.
"My ex-girlfriend," he said, his voice bitter. "She said the same fu€king thing. But that didn't stop them from killing her in front of me. From torturing her, while I was being held, feeling helpless as her pleas to save her was the only thing I could hear."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, completely facing him now.
He shook his head. "She was tormented right in front of me and I couldn't do a thing. They beat her up and I still stood there, struggling to go over to her. To gather her up in my arms and kill all those bastards. She was whipped till she bled. They burned off her hair and part of her scalp until her screams were ringing in my ears, promising to never let me have a good night's sleep ever again."
He was not looking at me anymore. His eyes faced the ground. His shoulders slumped in defeat. His eyes were agonized as the memories flashed through him again.
"She was always a sensitive person. She could hardly even bear the sight of blood. So with her own blood pooling around her, and the scent of it overwhelming her as she was choked to death, her eyes met mine for the last time. I saw the regret in them flash though her eyes. The hatred she had for me. The love or whatever she had felt for me before was all gone. They had ruined her. They destroyed her." He took a deep breath.
"And as she took her last breath, she glared at me with pure hatred in her eyes. The kind of hatred I never ever want to see in yours. And yet, if I keep this up, I'm sure I'll see it."
He had slumped down on to the ground now, his head in his hands.
"Xavier..." I murmured as I moved closer to him.
I wrapped my arms around his shaking form as he let me see him while he was vulnerable. He gave me the power to do anything to him. He lay himself open for me to inflict pain. He expected it and that hurt. It hurt that he now had no trust over humanity anymore. It hurt because I now understood why he was so closed off. Why he went out of his way and hurt me every time. To save me. He did all of it to make sure that I never got hurt the way he had seen his ex-girlfriend being tortured.
I could tell he was shocked when I engulfed him in my arms.
"What are you doing?" he asked me quietly, his voice shaky.
"Comforting you," I whispered back and continued pressing small circles into his back.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked, his voice jagged, his breath ragged.
"I don't know," I shrugged.
"You should be running away from me. You should be disgusted by me."
"Why would I be disgusted?" I asked him, confusion swimming in my eyes.
"Because I fu€king couldn't save her!" he exclaimed frustratedly. "Because I let them do everything that they did to her. I couldn't help her even when she begged me to."
"That was not your fault, Xavier," I soothed. "You couldn't have done anything, anyway."
"Are you saying that what happened was okay?" he asked in a dangerous voice, raising his head so he could look at me.
"No! But it wasn't your fault either. It was those people who did that to her. Who made you watch it. You couldn't have done anything," I repeated.
"I'm a fu€king gang leader!" he almost yelled and I winced back slightly. "I should have been able to save her. I should have been able to burn those bastards before they even touched her. But I didn't. What does that say about me?"
"That you had no choice in the matter and that you tried to do whatever you could," I replied gently, moving my hands to his hair and pushing them away from his face.
"You weren't even there," he muttered bitterly.
"But from the short time that I have known you, Xavier, I can tell that you really would have done everything you could have to protect her."
"And everything was not enough," his voice was like that of a lost puppy. Hurt and pained.
I trailed my finger from his neck up to his chin, pulling his face towards me, before letting it caress his cheek.
He looked up at me with anguished eyes. The pain of the memory brought back to life. All the blueness had seeped away and only the greying color remained in his eyes, like a sea at storm.
I leant in and pecked his cheek. I could tell he was surprised by how he had suddenly stiffened up.
"You shouldn't be doing this," he muttered quietly but made no move to stop me.
"Yah? Why not?" I asked, my finger still tracing his features as I leant in to kiss his other cheek.
"Because I don't want you to get hurt anymore."
"Hm," I murmured and pecked his forehead.
His arms had slid around my waist now. There we were, seated on the mossy forest floor, holding each other in our arms, with the cool wind brushing past us and the soothing sounds of the stream trickling away. The stars shined high above us, smiling gently and giving us hope that maybe something could come out of this.
But what...?
Just then, a brilliant idea crossed my mind.
"Xavier..." I called slowly to get his attention, not that he had looked away from me since his head was raised. "I have a proposition for you."
"No," he said, almost immediately.
"What?" I whined. "You haven't even heard what I wanted to say."
"I think I know what you would say. You would find some way to bring yourself closer to me again."
"Again? So you mean I was crumbling through your defenses before?" I asked with a bright smile on my face.
He glared at me without any animosity.
"So, about that deal...?" I trailed off, waiting for him to ask me what my amazing self had come up with. But this was Xavier, of course he wouldn't waste his breath on asking me.
I huffed, "You're a jerk."
"Hm." A small smile flickered on his lips as he pulled me closer by the waist.
"Hear me out?" I asked him, stringing my hands in his hair.
"No," he answered again.
"I listened to you, didn't I? I think it's high time you paid back the favor," I told him sternly, moving away a little.
He groaned. "Fine. Say it." And pulled me closer to him again.
"Okay! So what I was going to say was that..."
*********
A/N
Oof! A cliffhanger!
What do you think Elaine's idea will be?
And how was the chapter over all, guys? Personally, this is my favorite chapter. For now ;)
After this, you will be very pleased to know, that there will be no more pulling away from Xavier. For now ;)
Alright, my non-existent readers, have a lovely day or night ahead.