Edited
THE PAST
Before Juan could start filling his sports bag with clothes, the doorbell rang.
"I got it," June told him. "You keep getting your things together."
She gave him a quick kiss and left the small bedroom. He said nothing – it had been so long since he had said something that she couldn't remember his last words.
June opened the door and let Emilio in. They looked at each other for a moment, an awkward tension rising between them, before he walked past her in silence making his way to the living room. A second later he cursed so loud that June's heart skipped a beat.
She had followed him, as she entered the room she noticed that his attention was drawn towards the bloodbath that could be seen in the kitchen. Although the prospect made her feel sick, she knew what had to be done; "I'll clean it up. Can you stay with him until I'm done? I don't want him to see this again."
Although she hoped that Emilio would suggest that he would carry out that unpleasant work, he didn't, only muttering something inaudible before he headed for Juan's room.
June watched him leave until the door closed behind him, then she walked into the kitchen, avoiding the shards littering the ground. Some were drenched in blood and her stomach clenched as she imagined Camila slamming the pieces into her son's body – or maybe it was Mateo lashing back at his mother.
She gagged. Quickly she turned her face away from the mess and started to open and close the cabinets until she located a pile of towels. Wrapping one around her hand she lifted the broken dinnerware dumping them in the trash, her mind reeling at the thought of how only hours ago they had eaten dinner off of them. She then proceeded to scrub the kitchen counter and the sink, shivering as she remembered how Mateo had slammed his mother's head against the steel rim. Leaning against the spot that she had just cleaned, she gave herself a break. She couldn't rest for long – Juan would be wondering what took her so long and she knew he wouldn't want her to be cleaning up the mess. She however didn't want him to have do it after a few days, when he would come back.
Pulling herself together, she rinsed out the dish rag and continued cleaning until she heard Juan's bedroom door open. Quickly she threw the bloodstained towels in the trash can and went to the living room.
With a pale face, Juan focused on the ground. Emilio stood next to him, radiating so much despair that it might have been funny in other circumstances.
"You have a key, Juan?" she asked.
"I'll grab you one." Emilio opened a drawer in the hallway and handed her the key.
He was the first one to leave the house, followed by June. Juan was the last; he almost tripped over the threshold and his bag hit the door frame. Emilio grabbed his upper arm to keep him steady and shared a worried look with June.
"He hasn't said anything to me," he said softly. His eyes shot to Juan, but nothing gave them the impression that he had caught his words.
June sighed softly. "Let's get him out of here. That will help."
"He can come stay at my house," Emilio said. "It wouldn't be the first time he crashed after a fight."
June didn't object. Maybe he would feel more comfortable around his friend; those two had known each other for years. She knew that if something awful happened to her, she probably would want to have Jordy close too.
Juan however grabbed her hand, his fingers stiff. "I wanna stay with you June," he whispered.
His pleading tone made her lips tremble. "Okay. Emilio will bring us to my house." She looked up to Emilio. "Right?"
The way his shoulders tensed told her that he felt hurt, but he still nodded and walked towards his car – quicker than before.
Together with Juan, June sat down on the backseat and told Emilio where she lived. During the rest of the ride an awkward silence filled the car.
"Thank you for picking us up," June said softly as Emilio parked the car in front of her house. She laid a hand on his shoulder, but he turned away from her and opened the door. "I'm not leavin' yet."
June felt annoyance flash though her as Emilio followed Juan and her towards the front door. She however tried to shove her own feelings to the side – maybe Juan felt more comfortable when his friend was around.
Turning the key, she let the two boys in. Juan was still holding her hand, so tight that her fingers were hurting.
As they stepped into the living room, she found her mother watching a tv show. As soon as she noticed them, she paused the program.
A little awkwardly June looked at her mother. She had to tell her what happened, but she didn't want to do that when Juan was around.
"Why don't you take a shower?" June suggested, looking at Juan. "You're all tensed up, a hot shower will help you relax a bit."
"Are you – are you comin' with me?" he asked distracted.
June felt her cheeks glow. He spoke in a tone giving her the impression that he didn't realize what he was asking. Luckily Emilio was too gutted by the whole situation to make an obscene comment about it, although she did feel ashamed at the thought that her mother heard it too.
"I'll get you a towel," she answered, avoiding his question. Holding his hand, she led him upstairs and took a towel from the closet on the landing. "I uh – I think it's a little too early for us to be taking a shower together," she said with a blush.
He looked skittishly at her. "Yeah... you're probably right." His cheeks turned red too. "Sorry. I don't know why I said that. I – I just feel like I don't know anything anymore." Tears filled his eyes again and June wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight.
"I'll stay with you for the rest of the night," she promised. "And the next few days too. As long as you want."
His lips were quivering as he gave her a kiss and she could taste the salt of his tears. For a moment she thought that he wanted to say something, but in the end he only took the towel from her and disappeared into the bathroom.
June descended the stairs, hoping Emilio was gone by now. Unfortunately he wasn't; as she reached the floor she found him sitting on the couch, lost in his phone. Nervously she picked at the hem of her shirt, not knowing to who she should turn to. Eventually she sat down on the edge of her mother's bed and sighed softly.
As she was looking for words, her mother grabbed her hand and squeezed. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too soon, sweetheart. Emilio told me a little bit about a fight between Juan's mother and brother."
Gratefully she aimed her eyes at Emilio, but all she got in return was a cold glare. She swallowed.
"He's right," she said softly to her mother. "We were doing the dishes and Juan's mother had sent him away – she tried to convince me that he wasn't good enough for me. Mateo heard the conversation and got angry, and then she started to say the most horrible things you can imagine. Mateo lost it and slammed her head against the sink, and she grabbed one of the knives on the counter and stabbed him..." she told her. Her voice sounded distant, as if she was listening to someone else. "Juan came back in and he froze up when he saw the two fighting, I had to drag him away from the kitchen. The neighbors must have heard their screams and called the cops because they showed up and arrested Mateo, and took his mother to the hospital in an ambulance."
There was a sad sheen in her mother's eyes. "Poor boy. Tell him that he can stay here as long as he needs." She laid a hand against June's cheek. "I'm sorry you had to see something so horrible."
Awkwardly, June shrugged her shoulders. "It's worse for him than for me. It's his family." Sighing, she pulled her hand away and got up. Again she glanced at Emilio, who finally got the hint and stood up as well. Clearly it had been an explanation that he had been waiting for.
She walked him to the door. When he was already halfway to his car, she changed her mind, pulling out the key and closing the door behind her.
"Emilio..." she said, hesitating. "Can we... talk for a minute?"
He turned around, shrugging. His hands slipped into his pockets and although he was clearly trying to look nonchalant, she felt his insecurity.
"Let's just go up the street a bit, there is a bench we can sit at."
She noticed that he was about to make a comment, but in the end he kept his thoughts to himself and walked with her towards the bench.
"You told your ma a great deal of shit about me, huh?" Emilio said after taking a few steps. "I swear she was gonna slap me in the face when I introduced myself."
"I told her nothing that isn't true."
"You're always makin' a big deal out of lil things," he huffed.
June gritted her teeth and decided to ignore his words, that's not why they were there. She sat down on the bench, a safe distance away from him.
"You plannin' on sayin' somethin'? Or will this be another of your silent shows?" Emilio mocked as June was trying to figure out how she should formulate her question in a normal way.
Instead of being tempted by an angry answer, she asked him a question herself. "I want to ask you something and I hope you will give it a good thought before you answer – and that you will be honest with me. Can you do that?"
He looked at her. How she was expected to interpret the look in his eyes, she didn't know. "This about Juan?"
"Of course it's about Juan. I'm not here because I have such a good time with you."
Pulling a sour face, he shrugged his shoulders.
June took a deep breath and turned her head away; she no longer dared to look at him. Actually she didn't want to ask him her question either, but it was too important to let the fear stop her.
"I really don't know how to say this," she admitted. "But you've known Juan and Mateo for such a long time..." She squeezed her fingers in some kind of attempt to draw strength from it. "Is it possible... that Mateo uh, that he abuses his brother?"
"What the hell??" Emilio blew up at her. "You got a fuckin' screw loose up there?!"
June pressed her lips together. She had expected him to react this way – it was a miracle that he didn't just leave immediately. "His mother mentioned a couple things, and I don't want to believe her..." she explained. "She said that Mateo gives him all these expensive presents just to keep Juan silent. I didn't want to share it with my mom, but it was the reason that Mateo freaked out; his mother started saying that he was having sex with his brother and that he also wanted... uhm... you know. With me."
"You mean that he wants to fuck you?" he asked scornfully. "Oh I'm sure he does." He chuckled, even though it felt forced; as if he was trying to regain control over the situation. "In fact, when we were watchin' that porn while you and your lover were rockin' a few days ago, we talked about how we would do you. Doggy style for me, and Mateo wanted you to ride him – well, he wanted to teach you how to ride. Or –"
"Stop it," she answered agitated, although his words hit her like a truck. She however tried to slide it off; right now there were much more important issues than Mateo's and Emilio's disgusting fantasies. "I know that Mateo wants to sleep with everything that is female, so that isn't exactly shocking news. What I do want to know about, is if he wants to do... things... with his brother. I have to go and give a statement tomorrow at the police station and I really don't know what to do, Emilio. If I tell them that their mother claims that her eldest son is abusing his little brother, they are going to conduct an investigation. And if there's even a tiny chance that she spoke the truth, I would want to tell them. But if it's not true... then it will only hurt him."
"It's fuckin' bullshit, June. That bitch that calls herself a mother is a fuckin' cunt who's been torturin' 'em mentally since the day they could walk. This is just a new way to hurt 'em – and I'm not even surprised. Were any of those other things she said about Juan, were they true?"
"No," she muttered.
"Already thought so. So why would she have told you the truth about this? That bitch is just crazy. Thought you had the brains to realize that yourself after today."
June suppressed a sigh. It was just unimaginable that a mother would make up a story like this and tell that to her son's new girlfriend – right?
Emilio turned a little so he could pull something out of his pocket and gave her a small baggie. "Give this to Juan. There're two joints in it, he's gonna need 'em. Especially because I have a feelin' you're not gonna give him what he really needs."
"And what's that?" she asked with raised eyebrows. She didn't plan to give her boyfriend drugs – taking any advice from Emilio didn't sound very wise.
"You know damn well girl. There's only one reason why he wants to stay with you instead of me; because his girl can distract him in a way I can't. Sex, June," he clarified, which wasn't very necessary. "At least give him a bit of foreplay. That will divert his thoughts away from everything." He stood up, giving her a cold glance. "So go on, go inside and spoil him in a way ya never did before." He winked. "Trust me, you're gonna like it too."
. . .
When June went back inside, she made two cups of the Valerian tea that always helped to relax her and gave one to Juan. He sat in the farthest corner of the couch and stared at the floor, even though he looked up when she sat down next to him.
"Thank you," he said softly.
They didn't say much as they drank their tea. If Juan wanted to talk about it, he would probably wait until they were alone.
Once the tea was done, they wished her mom goodnight and went upstairs. June was a little nervous as she closed the bedroom door behind her. Despite Emilio's words she wasn't planning on distracting Juan in such a way, but what if he expected something like that from her?
Juan put his bag on the ground and looked around awkwardly. She almost wanted to suggest that he could also use her parent's bedroom, but she didn't want to give him the impression that she minded sharing a bed with him. It was thrilling, and while it was something she wanted for a long time, it was happening way earlier than expected.
"I uh, I don't have pajamas or anything like that," he muttered. "Usually I just wear my boxers. But I can keep my shirt on..." he said quickly. "Or my jeans too."
June felt her cheeks getting hot. "Um, you should wear whatever's most comfortable for you." She found it more important that he would be comfortable and have a good sleep than if she would. She took her nightie from under her pillow and got changed in the bathroom, brushing her teeth while she was in there. As she returned to her room, she saw that he was only wearing his boxer. For a moment she stood petrified in the doorway. He was a little skinnier than she had expected, although she could tell that he was often doing sit-ups. He smiled a bit shyly as he caught her staring and June had to urge herself to keep breathing.
As he walked past her on his way to the bathroom, his hand stroked her hip and immediately all images of the past hours were erased. Suddenly she understood Emilio. She got underneath the blankets and shoved to the right side; like she always did when Jordy was sleeping over. She didn't turn off the night light; Juan could do that when he wanted to sleep.
A few minutes later Juan entered the room again. Her heart was raging in her chest when he laid down next to her, very close – and the only thing she could think of, was that he still felt so far away.
"You um – you wanna talk about what happened?" she asked hesitating.
He glanced briefly at her and shook his head. "Not – not now, okay? I just – I just wanna hold you and fall asleep with you."
She showed him a small smile, which encouraged him to snuggle up to her; she could feel his warm skin right through the thin fabric of her nightie. He wrapped an arm around her and started to press kisses to her bottom lip, reluctantly, as if he wasn't sure if she wanted this right now.
But he was right – there had been enough talking for one day. She rather finished this day with other emotions. Laying a hand on his side, she gave him some small kisses too before their tongues found each other. His hand glided up her side, and June's did the same. His breathing told her how much he enjoyed her caresses and she felt something warm bubble up. Their kisses became heavier and she created a little more space between their upper bodies so she could stroke his chest and trace his abs with the tips of her fingers.
"Your touch feels amazing," he whispered, spreading kisses along her neck.
June bent back her head and closed her eyes as he kissed the skin of her neck, now and then holding her breath before she let go of the oxygen again. As he had kissed every inch of her neck he had access to, his lips moved to her mouth. Gently he bit her lip, and when she wanted to do the same, she was surprised by his powerful tongue, leading her to a passionate kiss. In the meantime her fingers were still exploring his torso – his skin was supple and warm, his muscles tensing whenever her fingertips touched them. He laid his hand on top of hers while she slowly moved it down. She had wanted to settle it right above the waistband of his boxer, but Juan gently pushed her hand further down, until she felt his erection. Out of impulse she went to pull back her hand, but his fingers were still on hers and he carefully wrapped them around his member.
June's eyes flew open. At exactly the same moment he was also looking at her. His cheeks were all rosy, and his eyes... they showed her something she had never seen before, something that made her feel even more shy.
"I love the feel of your fingers right now," he whispered, his voice a little hoarse. "You can... you can put your hand in my boxers if you want."
June had no idea if that was something she wanted. Well, actually that was a lie – she knew she didn't. Emilio's words were playing in her head; that this was the reason why he had wanted to sleep here instead of at Emilio's.
"I... I don't know if..." she stammered.
His hand was still folded around hers and he squeezed his fingers, so she was also squeezing them. A moan slipped his lips, giving her an uneasy feeling. "Please," he whispered. "I just... I just wanna feel your hand around me. All your caresses, they felt so good... you make me forget about everything."
"But..." It was hard to formulate words, again and again her thoughts were drawn to his manhood in her hand – with only a very thin piece of fabric between. What would he ask from her after this? That she would jerk him off? That was way too soon for her liking, she wasn't ready for that. She wasn't ready for this.
"There's nothing to be afraid of... you don't even have to do anything with it. Just... just hold it."
The fact that he was insisting, made her feel uncomfortable and she pulled her hand away from him, increasing the distance between their bodies.
"I don't want to," she said firmly. "Not... like this. Like it's just some way to cheer you up."
"But why not? I... I'd do anything to make you feel good."
It sounded manipulative; something Mateo would have said to all the girls he slept with. "Just drop it," she said in a grim tone, turning her back towards him.
. . .
For a long time she stared at the wall. Juan hadn't said another word and he had turned off the night light a while ago. She however couldn't sleep, there was a nasty feeling in her stomach. Had she been wrong about him the whole time?
"June?" she heard a little later – so late that she had been convinced that he had been sleeping. The bed creaked as he shifted. "I'm sorry. It's okay if you're not ready yet. Sorry – sorry for asking that from you. Please... don't be mad at me."
The vibration in his voice made her inhale sharply. Again she remembered how bad he was feeling – could she really blame him for wanting to feel something else? Still, it didn't feel right. She didn't want to make him feel better by some sexual act. Anyone could do that, this was why she wanted to be different from all those flings Mateo and Emilio had – but at the same time she realized that his brother and friend were his only examples.
"It's okay," she sighed. "I just don't want our first times... to be marked by the trauma you just went through. I don't think that's healthy. Something like that should lift our relationship to the next level, it shouldn't be a way to make someone feel better. It's... not a distraction. It's something really intimate."
She shivered as she felt his breathing in her neck. A second later, a small kiss followed.
"You're right. I'm sorry June."
Another kiss in her neck.
"Can I hold you? Or... would you rather not?"
She smiled a little touched. "Yes. I would like that."
His arms glided around her and he snuggled closer to her. Against her bottom she could feel how excited he still was, but he tried to turn himself in a way it wasn't bothering her.
She pressed her lips against his biceps and closed her eyes. "It's probably better if I get used to it... that excited little friend of yours. Otherwise I'm afraid you'll be tossing and turning all night long."
He chuckled softly, tightening his grasp around her. "Sorry. I tried to convince him to cool down but he's not very obedient." Gently, he sucked on her neck and she breathed in sharply. "You're just too beautiful, June. Too beautiful, too sexy, too sweet. You're too good for me."
June tensed. "I never want to hear that again, Juan. That I'm too good for you." She looked over her shoulder; in the dark she could just see his eyes. "You are everything a girl could wish for." She leaned back, closer to him, enjoying his strong arms around her. "Anyone who says otherwise, doesn't know you."