All American Boys
Chapter 22: Revelations
Isaac and I sat silently on the small dining table. The atmosphere was tense, and neither of us had spoken much since we arrived. Hayden was in the small kitchen area, preparing coffee. The only sounds to be heard was the clinking of the metal spoon against the sides of the porcelain mugs.
Hayden had waited for our arrival right outside the gates of the base. It was much easier if we were escorted, he told us. He got into the passenger seat and told me which way to go, until we reached his small house. It was a small one-storey with a porch, on a street lined with other one-storeys with porches. They sidings were all painted the same shade of grey.
It was where all the single servicemen lived, he told us. The house was small, almost container-like, really. The kitchen, living and dining area were one, and to the right was the bedroom and bathroom. We were staying just for the night, and I had brought some extra set of night clothes for Isaac and I in a backpack. I had told my mom that I was spending the weekend with Emily and her friends in Richmond. She had just grunted when I told her, I didn't know whether it was because she didn't hear me or she just didn't care. I wouldn't know.
The two siblings haven't really exchanged any words other than the initial greetings. Sure, they were brothers but it didn't feel like it. As Hayden returned to the table with 2 mugs of coffee, the heavy tension just returned, enveloping me in the middle.
"You're not having any?" I asked as I grabbed the mug in front of me.
"I already had mine this morning," Hayden said as he took the seat in front of Isaac and I.
Isaac was hesitant, but grabbed the mug and brought it to his lips. He looked at me with uncertain green eyes, to which I just smiled reassuringly.
He had been nervous all throughout the journey there. Sitting in the passenger seat in his snug blue sweater, he kept fidgeting with his fingers, shooting worried glances at me every now and then. I was driving and had to keep my eyes on the road, but I tried to check in with him every now and then when I could.
"I don't know Alex," he told me as I was waiting at a traffic light. "What if he hates me? I'm the one who cut him off."
"He's your brother Isaac," I said to him. "He understands."
"The only time we actually interacted was when he tried to get you to tutor me," he replied. "I-I don't know why I decided to reply that time. I've always wanted to talk to him again but I never really had the courage to send him what I feel."
"You haven't interacted since?" I asked.
The young man only shook his head.
"I just thought I already went too ahead of myself," Isaac shrugged. "He did try to ask me how I was doing after I had settled the thing about you, but I never replied."
The young man looked at me dejectedly. I guess we both had the same intentions in visiting Hayden. To dig up old bones and find some sense of closure. Even if it hurts doing so. I had my questions for him, and so does Isaac.
"I think the very fact that you're already willing to come and see him is good enough," I said, trying to comfort him. "At least you're trying."
"Yeah," the young man replied. "At least I'm trying."
And as I watched him sitting there, getting more comfortable facing his brother – it made me happy. It almost made me forget the main reason I was here in the first place.
Facing Hayden was embarrassing, especially after our whole history, but I shrugged it off. Besides, I've done far more embarrassing things with Isaac. I didn't know if Isaac knew about how I used to be infatuated by his older brother.
But I guess it was different then. At the very least, I should thank him for making me discover that I liked boys.
"I hope the journey here was pleasant for the two of you?" Hayden said as I put down my mug.
Isaac looked at me, as if he was signalling for me to answer. I nudged his thigh under the table.
"Uh," he replied, awkwardly, his eyes avoiding his brother's gaze which had now trained on him. "It was great."
"That's nice," Hayden replied, equally awkward.
Isaac's thin lips broke out into a slight, smile. Hayden did the same. Their awkward, uneasy smiles were exactly the same. No wonder they were brothers I guess.
It was a very small gesture – infinitesimal even, but as I sat there in that room, watching the relationship between those two brothers thaw out, it felt huge.
"I-I" Isaac began, stuttering. "I missed you so much."
Hayden abruptly got up, and Isaac seemed a bit rattled by it. But all he did was walk over to him and embracing him in a tight bear hug – just like the ones he had given me.
"I missed you too bug," he replied as he squeezed his little brother. "I missed you so much."
I felt out of place sitting there, but it was great to see it unfold in front of me. As the two of them finally let go of each other, Isaac was wiping away tears from his eyes. They seemed to forget that I was even there, but that was well-warranted.
"I'm sorry for cutting you off," Isaac said, his voice breaking. "I-I was stupid. I was mad at you, I thought you were abandoning me and that you left me on my own."
"Hey," Hayden said gently to his little brother, rustling his head of golden brown hair. "I'll never leave you. I'm always here for you, alright?"
The navy serviceman returned to his seat across the table. His smile had slowly faded, replaced with a more solemn expression.
"I uh," he continued. "I guess I have to admit that I feel like a coward."
Isaac looked up at him with glossy doe eyes.
"You said you felt like I abandoned you," the young man shrugged to his younger brother. "And I guess you're right. I did abandon you. I did run away. After everything that happened I just-"
Hayden shrugged, letting out a deep sigh.
"I just didn't know what to do," he replied, shaking his head. "After what happened with Alicia-"
"You lost your wife," I said. "It's not something so easy to get over."
He perked up when he heard me mention it.
"I thought you didn't know," he muttered. "I should've told you, I shouldn't have just hide it from everyone-"
"I told him," Isaac admitted. "Well, accidentally."
"If you had told my mom and I," I said. "It would've saved us a lot of trouble."
"Yeah," Hayden shrugged. "I know how your mom feels about me."
I only nodded in affirmation.
"I came here to talk about-"
"Alicia?" Hayden cut me off.
"Yeah."
There was a pause as we just looked at each other. The only sound to be heard was Isaac uncomfortably slurping on his coffee.
"If you need me," Isaac said, after finishing up his coffee. "I'm going to be in the bedroom."
He got up, walked over to his messenger bag on the sofa and took out his headphones and a book. I didn't even know he had brought that along.
With the door of the bedroom closing behind him, I let out an audible sigh. In my heart, I silently thanked Isaac for leaving me alone with Hayden.
It was finally time. I recalled all the events that happened that fateful day, trying not to be emotional.
It was a bright summer day. Our family had left Bethlehem for our old house in Bethany. No one was going to find us there, Alicia had said. But it was then when she got Hayden's call. Something's wrong, she had told me, Hayden sounded worried. His voice was breaking over the telephone, Alicia said. She told me Hayden said that they had to leave immediately, telling her to bring the evidence with her and that they're going to file the report in another city.
But at the same time she probably suspected it was a trap. She probably had to know.
She would do anything for her love, and that included exposing herself out in the open. Risking herself. And when I showed up with Alicia on Lavender street, Hayden wasted no time trying to get me away from her. He seemed nervous, in contrast to the calm façade Alicia had put up in front of him. She knew something was wrong. I knew something was wrong.
Hayden bought alcohol in that store. I never knew he drank. I had never seen him drink before. I remembered how he stalled, fumbling through his wallet for his ID and credit card. His hand was shaking as he handed them over the cashier.
And it was then when I heard that earth-shattering gunshot.
"Well what do you want to talk about?" Hayden finally said, his tense voice breaking the tense silence.
"I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm accosting you," I began. "But I really have to know."
"Go ahead," Hayden said. "I'll tell you everything, it's about time."
There was a short pause as I gathered my courage to speak the words I spoke.
"Did you know about the hit?" I asked. "Before you called Alicia to ask her to meet you?"
Hayden kept silent.
"Is that why you asked me to follow you to the store?" I continued, trying my best to contain the emotions rising in my chest but to no avail. "Because you felt bad if somebody else got hurt?"
"Well would you rather you die as well?" the young man blurted out, raising his voice.
My eyes widened looking at him. His face was red, and he was biting into his lip. His eyes were glossy, was it anger, sadness, disappointment? I couldn't tell.
But it was all I needed to hear. It confirmed it all.
It was such a blow to me, almost like being kicked in the chest. How could he do this? How could he knowingly make that call? How could he knowingly kill his own wife?
It didn't make sense to me. I've always told myself it was the Crawfords' fault. Hugh, Cyril, but not Hayden. I guess I always knew, but I probably just refused to believe it until I heard it with my own ears. I just couldn't believe how he of all people could be responsible for Alicia's death.
But I didn't explode. I didn't yell or scream or jump at him. Instead I just sat there and sobbed wiping away the tears pouring out of my eyes. It hurt, and as much as it did, I guess I had accepted it.
And all I could do was cry.
Hayden had stood up, staring out of the kitchen window. His back was facing me, his broad shoulders casting a shadow on the room.
It was then when I felt a pair of arms envelop me from behind. He held me tight, planting a kiss on my head. As Isaac held me there, I just let the tears fall down my cheeks. There was nothing that could possibly be done to mend the wound on my heart – but Isaac being there helped me to stomach it.
"I was forced to choose," Hayden finally said, breaking the silence. "It was either your sister or my brother."
I turned to look up at him through my tears.
"I'm sorry," he said.
I only nodded, wiping my tears away. There was no use in crying. It wasn't going to solve anything. It wasn't going to bring Alicia back, and I knew that.
"Our dad threatened to shoot Isaac, put a gun in his face and all," Hayden explained as he leaned against the counter. "If I didn't make that call he was going to shoot him. You know my dad, he's Crawford's right hand man. They had it all planned."
He seemed too casual about it all, but I suppose that it was just a defence mechanism. He had always been any easy-going guy back when he was with Alicia. Back when she was still alive.
But my attention immediately turned to Isaac. With Hayden's words still hanging above us in the still air, the younger brother only averted his gaze. As if he couldn't face me. As if Alicia should be the one standing there, not him. My heart sank.
"It's true," Isaac muttered softly.
"Oh gosh," I blurted out as I pulled the young man into a tight embrace.
It was my turn to hold him now, wrapping my arms around him.
"I'm so, so sorry," I said as we slowly let go of each other. "That's so messed up. Everything – it's all so messed up."
Hayden only let out a loud sigh.
"You don't deserve any of this," I addressed the Anderson brothers. "None of it at all."
And it was true. Hayden was a loving boyfriend and husband, as well as a would be father. He had always loved Alicia and he would do anything for her. But to put him in a spot like that was beyond cruel. They knew how much his love, his wife, his child's mother meant to him. And they made him kill her.
And Isaac, sweet poor Isaac. All he wanted was for his father to love him. Only to be beaten and used for the evil schemes hidden underneath all the rotten roses. A man who was willing to shoot his own son just for political gain. Just to cover his master's mistakes.
What kind of a father was that?
"You don't deserve what happened to you either," Hayden replied. "But that's how it is."
I only kept silent after he muttered those words. Deep inside, I knew he was right.
It was how it is, and there was nothing we could do.