*****THERE IS A WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER, IT MIGHT BE A TOUCHY SUBJECT*****
Chapter 22: Defeated
It's been a couple days since I've spoken with Ace. As soon as I woke the next morning, I put my clothes on and left. Now that brings me to the all too familiar room, my foot tapped anxiously as I waited in the waiting room.
"Layne." My eyes traveled to meet her soft ones and I stood with a small smile as she greeted me then walked towards her office. Once I was in behind her she shut the door and I took the seat on the leather sofa, her opposite me.
"I slept with him." She was barely sitting when I started to speak. She glanced up from under her glasses and slid them back up her nose, a habit I've noticed she seems to do a lot.
"I presume we're speaking of Ace?" I nodded as I tugged my hair in frustration and she folded her hands, almost like she was trained to. "I don't know how it happened. We kissed and then I came over for dinner to talk about things and then the next thing I know, I'm naked!" She chuckled lightly before adjusting her notebook on her lap.
"Is that the only reason why you went there?" I was taken aback and my face showed it for, my eyebrows had a tight crease, my lips pressed tightly together, teeth lightly gritted. "What? No!" Her eyes peered up through her glasses and she shifted.
"Do you think hanging around, Ace, is good for you?" Her question made me become defensive. "I don't know, but he's not a bad person." She scribbled on her notebook and my hands were oddly clammy. Ace wasn't a bad guy. He just made bad decisions sometimes.
"Do you think being with, Ace, while recovering is good for you?" My teeth clenched and my hands balled. "Ace isn't a bad person." She set her notebook down and scrutinized me with that look therapists seem to always give.
"Maybe, but for right now, maybe, Ace, isn't good for you. Recovery is hard, going down the same path will lead you right back to where you were." My teeth started to grind lightly and I stood.
"I am fine!" Her eyes followed me and her glance was sympathetic. She moved her glasses to on top of her head.
"Layne, I'm sorry if I offended you, however, I am concerned about you hanging out with, Ace. When you first came to me, you were a mess- no offense. You were a struggling addict." I sighed and sat back down on the seat. "Times change, I'm doing better, a lot better." Her legs crossed back over one another and I took a deep breath, releasing it into a sigh.
"How long have you been using again?" My mouth opened lightly and my hands clamped up she shook her head, "I can see it, Layne. I'm a licensed psychiatrist. You've been scratching since you got here, kind of aloof as well. I see it, Layne." Her voice was soft and now did I only realize that my arm was itching. I didn't scratch though.
"Not long," I sighed "I can't seem to help it, my body needs it and I'm trying, I really am, I don't take them everyday, it's just sometimes." She nodded as she scribbled something on a paper. "Go to these meetings, maybe talking about it will help, if not next thing would be rehab."
I stood and grabbed the extended paper from her fingers. "I'll see you on Friday." I nodded and walked out, paper in hand. Once I got to my car, I unlocked it and climbed in. Staring at the paper, I read over the address carefully. With one last glance, I crumbled it into a ball and threw it in my backseat.
I don't need help. Please. I'm doing fine, there's no problem here. My phone ringing brought me back and I ignored it, reversing out and to my house. Parking my car, I exited and entered my house and greeted Charlie.
"Hey, bug." He barked at me and ran around in circles around my legs. I chuckled and let him outside to go potty and play. Walking up to my room, I decided to change my clothes. Stripping down, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Fat.
Turning my head, I put on clothes and sighed. I walked to the mirror and glanced at my bare face. Ugly. Worthless. You are worthless. Fat, worthless and ugly. Shaking my head, I walked away from the mirror.
My brain wasn't lying. I was indeed: fat, ugly and worthless. I will never amount to anything in my life. I was simply not good enough for anyone or anything. Not my father and not Ace. I shook my head and pulled lightly at my hair. I want it to stop.
Maybe if you were better, you wouldn't have to go through this. You are a shitty friend and a shitty person. No one could ever love you. No one is at fault but you, you aren't good enough. How could someone like you be worth anything? Nobody would even care if you were dead. That's where you're better off- dead.
I pulled at my hair and slammed onto the floor, my legs curled into my chest. "You are not good enough, you will never be good enough. You're worthless. You're worthless, you're worthless, you're worthless. You are worthless." I rocked lightly my small sobs escaping my mouth meanwhile, I pulled frantically at my hair and pinching lightly at my bare skin. "Everyone is better off without you. No one loves you. You are unworthy of love."
My heavy feet dragged me to the bathroom, pulling open the cabinet, I grabbed the baggy, fisting the rest, I prepared the water. "People like you are not deserving." My eyes were puffy and swollen, my face blotchy from crying.
Sinking to the floor, I stared at the pills in my hand and released another strangled sob. "Why aren't you good enough? Why couldn't you have been good enough? What more do I need to do?" My head dangled on my crossed arms.
You know what to do, Layne. End it. End the pain, it's not worth it. You aren't worth it. I tilted my head back, and was about to drop the pills into my open mouth. "Oof." My body smacked onto the cold tile and the pills spilling from my hand.
"No!" I cried, quickly getting to my knees and fisting the pills. "Layne!" I shook my head, "No! I can't do it anymore! I just want to die." I sobbed and we fought for the pills. "Layne, no!" I shook my head at the pleas and soon the cold tiles, greeted my back.
My hands were pinned above my head and I could barely see, my eyes getting cloudy. "I just want to die." I sobbed and nobody said anything, it was quiet. My head slipped to the side, defeated. "I just wanna die." My breathing was strangled and so was hers. She sat up off of me, pulling my head into her lap.
Belle cradled my head in her hands and shushed me. "I can't take it anymore, Belle. Let me go." I was pissed she showed up. Leave it to Belle to always know when to show up. "Are you just gonna stand there?" She snapped to whoever else was here and soon another body was in the bathroom with us.
He collected the pills and flushed them and I watched with blurry eyes. "I wasn't worth saving. I am not worth anything. I am completely and utterly useless." She shook her head and I kept mumbling my nothings under my breath.
Why did she have to save me. Why did she have to show up here. Why couldn't she ever just let me be. Belle, kissed my head and mumbled sweet words to me. "You are worth it, you're beautiful and smart and so talented. People need you here, I need you here. Your godbaby needs you here." I choked on a sob and she held me tighter.
"Where is she?" His voice was a pant and it carried closer to the bathroom. My head picked up and was placed into a different lap, my whole body being cradled. "What the fuck happened?" He snapped lowly and Belle made a tsk noise.
"Nothing, happened, Ace. No thanks to you." Her voice was clipped and I heard Jake shush her. "What is that supposed to mean?" If I knew Ace, I knew that his eyes would be narrowed in an accusing matter and Belle just scoffed.
I was scooped up and brought to my bed, Ace laying me down on the covers. I stopped crying, all I could do was stare now, blankly at the wall in front of me. Ace came in front of me and tucked the hair behind my ear, searching my dull eyes for anything.
His face was etched with worry, deep frown lines were showcased on his face. "I'll be right back." He murmured to me, then pressed a kiss to my temple and walked out, with Belle hot on his heels. They were in the hallway and I could hear their hushed voices.
"Don't walk in here and pretend like you know what she was like while you were gone, Ace!" I could hear Belle's whisper shouts, attempting to keep cool. "I'm sorry." Belle huffed. "Losing her dad, then you, hell, even her mom, Ace. She finally lost herself." My eyes screwed shut and a hot tear rolled out of the side of my eye.
"What happened when I was gone?" Belle scoffed again, the pregnancy hormones, no doubt making her be more snippy than she intended. "What didn't happen? Layne lost herself all the way, before finding Kennedy, she got heavily addicted to pills. Not long after, the depression and anxiety took over her. Layne thought she was and never would be good enough for everyone."
My eyes tightened and my stomach churned, I clutched it as I sobbed lightly, holding myself. Why couldn't I be good enough? Running a hand through my hair, I sighed out a sob. The bed dipped and soon, I was being cuddled. Not by just Ace or Belle, it was all three of them.
"We love you so much. We're here with you, we got you." She brushed my hair behind my ear and cuddled me closer. I could feel her breath fan my face lightly, and I could feel Ace's body heat from behind me. I sighed.
My body was limp, my mind for once silent. I was completely and utterly defeated. I had never wanted to give up so much in my life than I did in this moment.
"You are so strong, Laney. You are worth so much. You mean so much to everyone in this room. You are good enough, I promise. You're worth it. I will prove it to you until the day I die. You are my queen and so you should be treated like one. I don't want to waste another minute. I want to cherish and love you, even on the bad days. I want to take care of you. I want my life to be with you. I wanted to give you time, but what if time isn't on our side. I want you everyday, until our last. Lets be together."
His words were sweet, brushing the back of ear so delicately. He started out so strong, then his words became quick and rambled almost as if they were sporadic. "I never want to lose you, I love you." My heart clenched tightly against my ribcage and I sighed shakily.
"Well, that's the way to ask a girl out." Everyone snorted and a smile tugged lightly at my mouth as my eyes rolled like they do so often when Ace is present.