The ride to his place seemed to take forever, the silence between them deafening. He knew what was on Tim's mind, he understood his wanting to know.
"Hey, I think I'm going to lay down for a bit" Chance remarked as they entered the house.
"Yeah, sure no problem. You feeling ok" Tim asked, watching him walk towards his room.
"Yeah, no worries" he replied, closing the door.
Tim was worried, something just didn't feel right. He was distant, more than ever before. Having still not confessed to reading it, he decided to look further, maybe there was an answer within that journal he'd missed.
Chance stared at the ceiling as he lay upon his bed. So much had happened, nothing he'd planned on, it just happened. He was still as confused as he was when he came home but one thing he was sure of, he needed to end it, soon.
Tim reread several pages in the journal, disecting each one, desperately looking for clues. Nothing really made sense, each entry was as if it were just a random thought or experience. Were these dreams, nightmares, plans? He wished he could get inside his head, to see from his point of view. Tim took off his glasses, his eyes burning, pinching the bridge of his nose he flinched at the pain. His broken nose, the damn book in his hand that caused it, he tossed it across the room as he growled "why can't I figure this out"
****
Chance woke to the crackling of the fire outside his window. He'd darken his room when he first lay down, unaware the sun had set. Quickly looking through the curtain, he saw Tim sitting alone.
Tim heard the door to the patio open, bringing him out of his thoughts while staring into the raging fire.
"Hey, you good" Chance asked, bringing a chair near him.
"Yeah, you" he replied.
"Guess I was more tired than I thought, how long I sleep" Chance asked, sliding his hands across his face.
"About five hours" he replied, never looking at him.
"Man, sorry. What did you do in the meantime" Chance asked, tossing a log on the fire.
"Some reading, some thinking...alot of thinking actually" Tim replied, still staring into the fire.
Chance knew but said it anyway, "about what".
Tim chuckled slightly, "about what" he uttered sarcastically. "Do I have to spell it out...about you, about why we're here, what's happened"
"I guess it's time to explain" Chance replied, leaning back in the chair.
"Ya think... What the hell, Chance...You know what you've put everyone through...me through. I even resorted to reading your journal for Christ's sake" Tim confessed.
"You did what?" he asked, turning towards Tim.
"That's right, I read your journal. I ain't proud of it, I broke the unwritten rule, but damn it after all we've been through. I had to try to..." Tim hesitated.
"Try to what, Tim....Save me? Again?" Chance stated sarcastically.
"Someone has to, you apparently can't take care of yourself" Tim retorted loudly.
"I don't need you or anyone else for that matter trying to 'Save Me'. I'm a grown man" he growled, before standing to walk away.
Tim grabbed him by the arm, pulling him back to the chair "Then fucking act like one"
Chance stumbled back into the chair. Shaking his head, he was pissed. There was no way he would understand why he came home, he would think it was a petty reason. And to most it probably was, but he needed to clear his head of the feelings, the memories that haunted him every single day. He sat there, silent, unable to form the words.
Tim turned, "talk to me, please" he said more calmly.
Chance leaned back, covering his eyes "it's not that simple, I don't know where to begin."
"Well, say whatever comes to mind and we'll figure it out...together" Tim told him.
Chance sighed heavily, feeling how childish he was about to sound. But, he also knew Tim would not let it go until he had answers and there was no bullshitting his way through this, he would see right through everything. "I've been confused, extremely confused the past several months. I thought if I came home, here, where my soul rests the most, that maybe I would find what I was looking for. I wanted to end the suffering once and for all".
Tim's heart raced with fear at the words, was he thinking of taking his life, was that why he was out alone without telling anyone "Chance, you...you weren't going to..." his voice trailed off.
Chance looked at Tim, the fear evident on his face, realizing what he had said. "No, Lord no, not that Tim. I died once remember, I don't take having my life given back to me lightly" he quickly replied.
Tim blew out the breath he was holding as he whispered "thank you, Jesus"
Chance half smiled, he'd heard his response. He knew if he had done anything like that Tim would surely blame himself, most likely drive himself insane with guilt. He couldn't do that to him, he wouldn't do that to him. "I sit back everyday and watch you, Rob, Adam even Austin for a bit. Ya'll have what I want, what I need" Tim furrowed his brow as he listened "I need to feel loved"
"You are loved..... we all love you or else we wouldn't be here" Tim replied quietly.
"You don't get it, Tim. Yeah, ya'll include me in everything but I feel like the fifth wheel most of the time. And I appreciate that, I really do but I need more. The only way I could think of was to come home and end the pinning for lost love. I needed to come here to clear my mind of all the memories with Mina, everything that was and will no longer be. Even though it's been almost six years we've been apart, I still had that slightest hope that maybe, just maybe she would come back. Especially after the surgery. But it's taken me being stranded on an island in complete delirium to realize that will never be" he finally admitted.
"Why didn't you just tell me this before. I would have helped you with whatever you needed to do" Tim replied.
"That's just it, you can't help me this time or every time for that matter. This is something I have to do on my own, to rid myself, this house of everything Mina and our life together. I can't go forward until I let go of the past. You remember what letting go means" Chance stated.
Tim knew exactly what it meant, he had to let go of his love for Caroline before he could go on and love again. "Yes, I remember"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you can see how childish and embarrassing this could be" Chance told him.
"You shouldn't feel that way around me, we've been through quite a lot together. I will always understand, we're brothers remember" Tim reminded him.
"You had no right, ya know, to read my journal" Chance remarked.
"Maybe, but you had no right shutting me out" Tim replied.
Chance looked at him, the reassuring look in his 'brothers' eyes meant everything. He was sure Tim hadn't read the entire journal and for that he was even more gratful.