End.
It scares us, not because of what it means, but because of what it implies. We are terrified of the unknown, of what isn't certain under our stare. It's a fear deeper than anything else I'd ever experienced before, totalising and paralysing at the same time. It's the kind of fear that freezes us in our place but makes our muscles burn at the same time - that is, if we were ever in the situation to face it directly.
The fact is, in life, not many things are clear. Sometimes, things don't make sense until we look at the bigger picture. Events mix up together in a crazy whirlwind of moments with apparently no connection, hitting us when we're down and feasting over our ashes.
We all have that one moment in our life in which everything takes a sudden turn, if for the best or the worst, we don't get to know. At least, not until the end comes. At times, it all happens sneakily, to the point that we don't realise it happened until we look back and realise how much has changed, but some other times, the event strikes us so hard that it leaves us breathless on the ground, suffocated by the same air that's supposed to keep us alive.
Only one thing was certain: that day, as I walked inside the university, I had no idea of what was about to come.
• • •
I looked up from the brown leaves scattered on the sidewalk, sending a tired stare in the direction of the grey building in front of me. Classes always started a bit too early for my liking, and it was always a struggle to wake up early enough to get out on time.
I sighed, making my way towards it and pushing the glass door open, instantly stopping in my tracks when I realised that some of the people that were lingering in the corridor were looking at me. I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding the reason behind it. I wasn't a wallflower, but my group of friends was nowhere near being popular. I couldn't tell why everybody's gaze seemed to be fixated on me in the moment I stepped inside the building.
I shook my head, going back to walking and doing my best to ignore the stares as I passed by, starting to be a bit wary of myself. I automatically pulled my coat close, feeling way too observed for my liking.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice someone had stopped in front of me and almost crashed against them. I looked up quickly, frowning again when I realised that I didn't have the slightest idea of who they were.
"Raine, right?" The blue-eyed boy said, nodding to himself nervously before I could even give him an answer. "I would like to offer you my deepest condolences. I'm truly sorry for your loss."
I gave him a confused look. "Uh, what?" I asked, letting out a little laugh at the oddness of his words.
His eyes widened, and his face went pale. "Oh my... you..." he stuttered, sending a panicked look around, seeming to hope that someone would come to save him. "You didn't... I... I thought you knew."
"Knew what?" I inquired, feeling a hint of nervousness. Was there something that the mysterious boy in front of me knew, that I didn't? It certainly looked like it.
He took a deep breath, seeming to be trying to gather the courage to speak. "Theo Harris was found dead on Saturday," he said faintly.
Just like that, the world stopped moving.
"Uh, I... what?" I stammered, short of breath, feeling my heart drop as I blinked a few times, my brain convincing itself that I'd heard him wrong.
He seemed to get more and more on edge by the second. "He was killed. Weren't you friends? I thought you knew," he replied fast, looking like he was about to flee the scene.
My gaze dropped to the floor. "Uh..." I started, but I fell silent soon after, realising that I had no idea of what to think, my mind rendered a blank canvas by the shocking news. "I have to go, I'm sorry," I mumbled, pushing past him and walking away quickly, feeling my head spin.
I stared right ahead, suddenly not being bothered by the looks people were giving me anymore, my eyes wide as I entered my classroom, quickly occupying a desk on the side and sitting down, hoping not to catch anybody's attention. I put my bag on the table and I stared down at it, perfectly aware of the glances the other students were giving me while passing by. I hid my face in my hands as I felt the familiar stinging of tears in my eyes, hoping that everything around me would disappear.
All of a sudden I heard someone sit next to me, but I didn't bother to look up to discover who it was. They probably already knew I wanted to be left alone, considering that everyone but me had seemed to be aware of what had happened.
"You heard about it, didn't you?" A female voice said next to me. "It's fucked."
I looked up, meeting the intense blue eyes of my best friend. "I... How did it even happen?" I asked, disbelief in my voice.
Indigo shook her head, wrapping her arms around her middle and leaning back against the seat, her dark hair partially covering her face. "A robbery gone wrong, they said," she explained lowly, wiping a tear from her eyes with her index.
"A robbery? Theo?" I let out an ironic chuckle as I thought of him. "He doesn't even leave his house after curfew, and his curfew is at eight." I glanced down instantly, realising that I'd used a present tense.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and trying to get a hold of the way I was feeling. It was a sensation that I'd never felt before, but that I was sure I would never forget. It heaved down on my chest, making it harder to breathe, slowly suffocating me. It made me feel trapped, making the desire of finding a way to get out of there prominent in my mind.
Indigo let out a watery laugh, recognising the truth behind them. "True," she replied, her voice choked, staring down at the desk.
"I just... I don't understand," I whispered, looking at her. "I don't understand."
"Neither do I," she murmured, a defeated tone in her voice that made it drift away. She stared quietly at the huge blackboard in the middle of the wall in front of us in silence. She let in a shaky breath, suddenly standing up. "I'm sorry, I can't do this." She took her bag and coat and rushed out of the room under everyone's eyes.
"Indigo!" I called her, taking my bag as well and running out of the room just as the professor came in, miraculously managing not to bump against him. I muttered a quick apology, not stopping in my tracks, before giving a fast look around, spotting my friend just as she walked down the corridor to the main door. "Indigo, wait!" I went after her and grabbed her by the wrist, making her turn around quickly, a shocked look on her face.
"Isn't it screwed up? We were with him just on Friday, and now he's gone!" She cried out. "Why is everything so fucked up, Ray?" She asked in a whisper, her fierce mood turning her previous anger into a mellow, empty query.
I shook my head, blinking my tears away as her question echoed in my mind.
Theo was gone. The first friend we'd made when we'd arrived at uni two months before was gone. It was crazy to think about it. How could something like that happen? Why had something like that happened?
"I don't know," I murmured back, letting go of her wrist. "I just don't know."
She sighed, her gaze falling to the ground. "I need a smoke," she mumbled, reaching into the pocket of her coat to grab a pack of cigarettes and taking one out.
"You know you can't smoke here," I warned her, glancing in the direction of the signal attached to the wall of the building, the conversation seeming so normal to the point that it felt wrong.
She took her lighter out. "Then let's leave, see if I care."
She walked down the couple of steps and out of the open gates without waiting for me to reply. I followed her, not a word leaving my mouth, and we moved next to each other, staring at the ground as the reality of what had happened was processed in our minds. I stopped walking when Indigo leaned against the fence, sending a look in the direction of the grey building behind her. I let my gaze drift off to the other side of the street, an unnatural bleakness settling in me and momentarily annihilating the sadness on my chest.
"Raine! Indigo! I've searched for you everywhere."
I turned my head fast as I heard my name being called, glancing at the blond-haired boy that was making his way towards us. "Hey Joel," I greeted him lowly when he reached us.
"You've heard about it?" He asked, his voice shallow as he caught his breath from the run, and I nodded, while Indigo kept staring ahead, barely acknowledging the question. "It's messed up," he added, shaking his head in disbelief. "How did this even happen?"
"I feel so lost," I admitted, my throat closing as my vision blurred again, and reached up quietly to wipe the tears away before they could be noticed.
"Fuck," Joel hissed, leaning against the fence next to me with a defeated look in his eyes. "Indie? Think you can share?" He murmured, and soon after her arm appeared in front of me as she passed him the cigarette. "Thanks," he said quietly, taking a drag and looking at it, playing with it and twirling it around his fingers for a little while before handing it back.
We stared ahead in silence until they were done smoking, and even then, no conversation was sparked. We didn't move from our positions, and I faintly breathed in silence, feeling as if everything around us had stopped. I felt sick and took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of myself and not burst out crying.
Indigo was the one that broke us out of our trance. She threw the remainders of the cigarette between her fingers on the sidewalk, stepping on it before pushing herself away from the fence. "Let's go, we're late," she simply said, surprising us with her directness. She'd always been way too blunt for her own good, but it seemed way too cynical in that situation, even for her.
I nodded nonetheless, following her as we walked back into the building, surprise hitting me when I discovered that there were still many people hanging around in the corridor.
"I'm going, I'll see you later," Joel told us, giving us a little nod before going away under the glances all the people that were around us.
We watched him leave, the unreality of everything lingering above us like a blanket.
"Come on, Mr Johnson probably already hates us," Indigo said, shaking her head and walking past me.
I sighed and followed her, furrowing my eyebrows when she suddenly stopped moving.
"What's wrong?" I asked, giving her a confused glance as she stared at something on the other side of the hallway. "Indie?"
She shifted her gaze to me quickly. "Nothing,let's go," she replied, taking me by the arm and dragging me inside theclassroom with her before I could find out what she'd been looking at.
So the first chapter is finally out! Any opinions on it? It would mean a lot to know what you think of it so far x
Miki