twelve

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"It feels weird" I said, staring at the grave in front of us. Was I a bad person for feeling weird in that situation, or was it normal? I didn't know.

We'd decided to visit Theo's grave. I couldn't tell what drove Indigo and I to make that decision, if the knowledge that it'd been a bit too long since we'd been there, or the simple fact that Joel had lent us his car, making it possible for us to drive there, as it would've normally been quite a long walk.

I didn't really like to go there, but at the same time it would've felt wrong if I hadn't. But at the same time, being there, I didn't really know how to feel, and that felt wrong, too. I'd never dealt with loss that well, and I always preferred to try not to let it affect me, even though at times it just wasn't possible. I didn't know what the right words to say were, if there were right words at all, so I just stood there, hoping that they would've come to me one day. That felt wrong, too.

Indigo gave me a little nod, acknowledging my words, changing the wilted flowers in the vase with the beautiful white ones we'd bought. We stood there for a few, in silence, because she too didn't know what to say. I couldn't help but feel like he deserved better than two friends that couldn't open their mouths in such a situation and say at least something, anything that would've felt right, but at the same time I didn't think that there was anything that would've. Maybe I was just too clueless, or too young, or maybe I was just like that.

It'd always been like that to me, even with my mother. There were never words to say, because none of them would've changed the truth of what had happened. None of them would've made it better, not to me, at least. So what was even the point in speaking, in such a situation? I knew the way I felt, the hurt I felt, how much I missed them and how I wished they'd never left. What was the point in saying it out loud, for the whole world to hear?

"Do you ever regret it?" She asked all of sudden, and I gave her a confused look, not understanding what she was referring to.

"Regret what?" I asked back, glancing at her and waiting for her to clarify.

She shrugged, her blue eyes not meeting mine. "Just... meeting him. We wouldn't be here right now if we'd never met him" she said, her voice low.

"Of course I don't" I was quick to reply. Sure, the situation we were in wasn't the best, but it didn't mean I would've preferred not to ever become his friend. "I don't really think it would've changed anything, too."

She finally looked at me. "How are you so sure about that?"

"What happened, it wasn't our fault, Indigo" I replied, and I would've never thought I would've had to say that. What had happened was terrible, but it certainly wasn't our fault, in any way, and she shouldn't have felt like that.

She sighed, looking down. "I think he was coming to my house" she shared quietly.

"He was?" I asked instantly, letting my curiosity get the best of me. It had been months, and she'd never told me anything about it. I didn't know how to feel about that.

She shook her head, as if she too couldn't make sense of what she knew. "He left a weird voicemail. I don't know."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "What did it say?"

"That he had to talk to me, or something like that" she said with a shrug, looking down again, seeming unsure.

"What about?" I asked her, curious. That didn't sound like something Theo would've done. He certainly wasn't the kind of person that would've left their house late at night to go talk to someone, which meant that whatever had happened that had made him react like that definitely was important.

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