Once he was gone, once I'd heard his car back out of my driveway, I feared I'd never see him again.
The thought both terrified and pained me.
At first I thought this 'connection' had been some weird kind of reaction because I thought Vax, the rock star, was sexy and maybe at first it was.
Attraction is a powerful thing, and I'd been attracted to Vax, the rock star, for years.
But then, from the moment he'd walked through the door at my parents, from the moment I'd realized who he was, he stopped being Vax, I only saw Xavier.
It was Xavier in the bathroom, it was Xavier who came to my work, it was Xavier who'd saved me from the weirdo in the club and it was Xavier who'd stayed with me all night, and it was Xavier, who a few minutes ago had made me weak at the knees.
But it was also Xavier that I didn't understand, I'd never understood, because he'd never let me in.
Not my type. He'd said it himself, he'd agreed with me. I wasn't his type, and I wasn't sure he was my type either, I wasn't sure I even had a 'type', but that didn't stop the thoughts I was having, it didn't stop how he made me feel.
Why couldn't any of this make more sense?
I stood up, my legs still felt like jelly, but I needed to clear my head and needed advice.
I walked across the floor into the kitchen. The phone was sitting on the table where I'd left it. I picked it up and dialed my parents number.
"Hey Scarlett, how are you hon" Mom's voice called down the phone "Are you feeling better?"
"Oh, uh yeah. Great" I lied, I felt worse than I had the other night when I had left dinner, but now it was for a completely different reason.
"Scarlett" Mom warned softly. "I know you better than that. What's up?"
"I'm confused." I whispered.
"About?"
"Can I come over?" I replied "I'd rather talk about it in person"
"You don't have to ask. Dad is home too, he'd love to see you. Maybe we could help?"
"I kind of need a ride, My car is at Isla's" I said feeling sheepish. Hopefully she didn't ask why. Mom didn't need to know I'd been drinking. Even at 23 explaining a night of drinking and debauchery was not something I wanted to do.
"Of course, I'll come now. Maybe you could bring a bag and stay for the night?"
"Aren't I a little old for sleepovers?" I questioned with a smile.
"One is never to old for sleepovers. In fact let's make it a group thing. Toni is in town still, and I know you two didn't really get to catch up at dinner"
I frowned, that night had been so strange that I didn't even remember seeing Toni at all. Maybe a girls night would be good for me. The distraction from all these confusing emotions sounded like bliss.
"alright then" I conceded.
After we hung up I left enough food for my cats, who were meowing heartily.
It took me a couple of minutes to pack a bag and once I was done I went and sat on the door step to wait. When she arrived I stood up, checked that I'd locked the door and almost ran to the car. With each step I took, my heart felt a little bit less constricted and the embrace Xavier and I had shared didn't seem so vivid in my mind anymore. I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad.
"Hey, we're not running a race" Mom laughed as she took my backpack from me.
I shrugged brushed past her. I looked back at the house and sighed. The memories of last night and this morning were still so raw that if she had stepped inside my house, I was actually scared the atmosphere would exude the story like a movie, Like it had been in my head.
"I just need to get out, thanks for the sleepover idea" I replied as I opened the car door.
"What happened hon?" Mom asked as she chucked my bag in the back seat of the car.
"I don't know" I replied honestly. "One minute I was living a simple life, and then the next I don't know if I am feeling up or down."
Mom started the car and began to pull out of the driveway. She was half way down the road before she spoke again.
"What changed?"
"I met someone" I replied
Mom sucked in a breath, I knew she was withholding the urge to shout with happiness. She'd blamed herself after the sex tape fiasco. It was misguided, but she'd thought that had I not been in the public eye because of her fame, then Ryan would have left me alone.
"Don't get too excited. I'm confused."
"Why?
"Because I don't want to get hurt, and I'm about 99% sure that if I pursue this man, I will." I whispered "But at the same time I don't care. I don't like how I feel when he's not around"
"It sounds a little like love" Mom replied softly. My eyes shot over to her and my mouth fell open.
Love? Who the hell was talking about love. I sure wasn't, I was just feeling some kind of connection, lust driven, with emotional layers. That wasn't love was it? It couldn't be;
Until 48 hours ago, I had nothing but bad memories of him. But now...
"No one falls in love that quickly" I replied without thinking. "I mean I've only known the guy a few days" I lied. I didn't need mom to connect the dots. Not when so much was up in the air.
"I did" Mom said softly "and so did your father"
Of course, I knew for them it was love at first sight. They'd met in an elevator on mom's first day of work and had never looked back. They were the exception though. They always had been. The things that seemed to break other families apart never seemed to phase them.
"That's different. You and Dad, you're made for each other. Me and him." I sighed, as I brushed my hand across my neck, where his lips had been earlier. "We're just not the same"
"Sometimes, it's being different that makes you perfect for one another" She said softly.
Xavier and I were so different that it was jarring. He was everything I feared. He had the spotlight, he had women throwing themselves at him and he had my heart, or at least some part of it.
He was going to hurt me, and I was powerless to stop it.
"I don't know if I can handle being hurt"
"Being hurt is just a risk we have to learn to take when it comes to love."
"It seems like a mighty big risk to take, Why does anyone willingly subject themselves to such heartache"
"Because when you find the one who is your everything, the risk pays off. All the hurt and torment you once felt melts away. All the trying suddenly doesn't mean anything. You're where you are supposed to be. The journey is only part of the story Scarlett, When you finally get to your destination, You know the heartache was worth it."
I couldn't say anything in reply, her words seemed so honest and beautiful, and anything I would have said would seem pathetic in comparison. I just had to hope she was right.
"Do I get to meet this mystery man?" She said as we pulled into the driveway.
You already have.
"Uh, well, the thing is. He doesn't know how I feel" I mumbled "I don't even know how I feel"
"Well, take your time, or don't. If it feels right, then go with it. Life is too short to spend it worrying all the time." Mom parked the car in the garage and pulled the keys from the ignition.
"What would I do without you mom" I leaned my head against the head rest and looked over at my mom. She smiled at me and lifted her hand to my cheek.
"Probably worry all the time" She chuckled "Now, come on, let's head inside."
Once we were inside the kitchen my eyes gravitated to the bench. It had become junk food and beer central. Poker night.
"I forgot to mention that Dad has invited the guys over for poker night" Mom exclaimed pointing to the bench. "I pilfered some of dad's food stash for our sleepover though"
"Oh yeah, I forgot he still did those" I replied with a smile.
"Yep I think the boys would be lost with out their weekly pool house poker game" She smiled as she placed her keys on the bench. "He mentioned that Xavier and his band mates might join in tonight."
"Oh?" I whispered, fear ran through my veins, or was it something else. I didn't have time to dwell on it without seeming to invested. I tried to nod nonchalantly, but I wasn't sure it had come off that way.
"Don't worry, I know you and Xavier have never really been friends, they'll be out in the pool house anyway."
Mom pat me on the back then walked over to the fridge. I bit my lip and sat down.
My heart sped up at the mention of Xavier's name. I knew then it wasn't fear in my veins. I wanted to see him. Even if we didn't speak.
"You never said why it was that you weren't friends" She said as she walked over to me. She placed an orange juice in front of me then sat down herself.
I looked at the bottle and shrugged. I'd never told my parents about the things Xavier did in high school. My parents and his parents were best friends, and I'd been worried that tension between us would cause tension between them.
"We hung out with different people." I replied, it wasn't too far from the truth. Maybe if I'd been less naive, things would have been different, but there was no going back and re-doing it all now.
I couldn't change the past, but I could impact the future.
Later that night we set up the lounge for the slumber party. Mom had me call Isla, who was pumped for a sleepover. Then around 9pm as we sat in the lounge, Mom, Toni and Isla were talking about something, but my mind wasn't in it. All I could think about was Xavier, how we'd left things. I needed to know if he was here.
"Deep in thought their Sis" Toni exclaimed throwing her arm over my shoulder
"Oh yeah, Um. Sorry" I replied "I think I need some air"
"Lets go outside for a night cap." Toni suggested. I looked over at Mom who smiled and nodded
"I need to call Janie quickly anyway."
Isla, Toni and I stood up. Isla and I walked outside, but Toni disappeared into the kitchen. When she finally came out to the deck she held three glasses.
"Tequila sunrise" She smiled as she placed it one of the glasses down on the table in front of me.
I had to bite back the urge to vomit. Isla laughed and moved the glass away from me.
"She's probably going to be anti-tequila for some time" She laughed as she sipped on her own drink.
"What am I missing?" Toni asked sitting down, She smiled, but her eyes were alight with curiosity.
"I got wasted last night" I admitted. "On tequila mostly"
"Ohhh, rebel child! I'm telling mom and dad on you" She teased as she nudged me. "No, everything in moderation sis, but I'm glad you're getting out there finally... Just ah, take it easy"
"I won't be drinking again" I replied.
"Spoken like a true first timer." Toni smiled at me.
Isla and Toni started talking about a shoot as they sipped their drinks. Toni was in the process of recording a new album and had managed to talk DJ in to letting her design the cover. She wanted Isla to plan it.
I took the opportunity to slip away unnoticed. I took a deep breath before I walked into the pool house. Hold it together Scarlett.
The guys sat around the table, It was intimidating to see the rest of the band I'd idolized sitting amongst people I'd known all my life and for a moment I felt starstruck, but then I saw Xavier, and everything else faded into nothing.
He looked at me and a small smile crossed his face, quickly followed by a frown. He looked away, back down at his cards then threw them down.
"I'm out. I've got nothing, I need to make a call"
Xavier stood up and walked away from the table, he brushed past me as he left, but didn't acknowledge I was there. I may as well have been invisible. It hurt.
"How's the sleepover honey" Dad said with a smile. He placed his own cards down then took a sip of his beer.
"Good. I think we're going to watch some old horror movie... Blair Witch I think mom said. I just came out to say hi" I said softly as I walked over and placed a kiss on my fathers forehead.
"Scarlett here is a real fan of 'Going Nowhere'" Dad exclaimed.
I looked over at the guys, Cris, Jay and Doc. They looked different out of the video music garb I was used to seeing. More real. They smiled knowingly at me, They'd seen me last night, like Xavier had. They'd been there. I just hadn't seen them.
"Nice to meet you." Cris said holding his hand out.
"You too, um. Well Sorry to barge in. I'd better get back before they send a search party" I replied.
I needed to speak to Xavier.
"Sure thing, hey we've got a gig on Friday. You should come" Jay exclaimed
"Uh yeah, okay"
Like an awkward starstruck teenager I stumbled out of the pool house and I wandered around the back of the building. It was dark, I could barely see a thing. I knew that he'd be out here, he was avoiding me.
"You should stay away from me" Xavier whispered.
My eyes drifted to where the voice had come from. Xavier sat on the ground, his knees were up and his arms were wrapped around his legs. His head was against the wall of the pool house.
"What if I don't want to" I replied as I sat down next to him. "What if I'm right where I need to be right now."
"Then ask yourself what the likelihood is of me hurting you again... in one way or another"
"What if I don't care."
"You should care." He laughed "I've done it before, I'll do it again."
I took a deep breath, he was raising defenses, one thing I knew for sure was that I couldn't bring his defenses down with my words. My confused thoughts and feelings didn't stand a chance against his well formed self hatred.
"Well I don't." I murmured as I reached for his hand. Our fingers entwined and for a moment it seemed like the world stood still. All the bullshit between us didn't matter. But just like that, Xavier pulled his hand from mine. The moment had been too fleeting, I needed it back, but I knew he wouldn't give it.
"We can't do this" He said softly
"do what"
"cross lines."
"We're not kids anymore. There are no lines"
"Yes there is. There is a big fucking line, right in front of you" He spoke with a fiery anger, his voice taut.
"I'm a bad man, a selfish man. I've slept around. I don't do relationships. I hurt people. I hurt you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know that now." he spoke quietly now, but the intensity was still there.
"Everyone makes mistakes Xavier."
"You don't" He replied.
I scoffed, loudly and shook my head. I'd made a mistake with Ryan. I'd dated him because my 'friends' told me to. I'd been a sheep and I'd paid for it with my reputation, and my self confidence. I'd made a mistake by not getting over it, by dwelling on the past and letting it affect me for so long. But none of my mistakes hurt the way letting Xavier walk out of the house had.
"I make plenty of mistakes" I whispered.
"Not like mine. You don't hurt anyone else. I'm a nuclear bomb, I destroy everything in my path."
"I hurt myself by hiding from everything" I replied "and I do it so no one else can hurt me. In some ways I am a nuclear bomb, I just contain the explosion where no one can see it."
"Well we're quite a pair huh" Xavier murmured as he nudged me with his shoulder.
"Maybe we could help each other? I'm good at listening, maybe I could help you with your self deprecating attitude, and you could help me open up?"
Xavier laughed and stood up. "What, like friends?"
I frowned, not quite understanding why being friends was such a ridiculous idea. Maybe having him in my life as a platonic friend would make sense. Maybe that was just what I needed.
"I'd be a useless friend" he added, he held his hand out for me. I smirked and placed my hand in his and let him help me to my feet.
"Says the guy who without thinking, helped me to my feet"
"You don't want me as a friend." he said, sounding annoyed.
"Yes I do."
"Scarlett... No. Sorry, I just can't" Xavier stalked away from me for the second time in less than 12 hours. Both times I'd been left feeling like a part of me had detached and was forever floating in the air. A part of me that didn't seem to exist until a few days ago, but now I'd felt it, I wanted it back.
It was then that I realized that nothing had changed, Xavier still knew exactly how to torment me.
**
Another Chapter up :D Not much happening in this chapter sorry!
Hope you like it anyway!
As always, feel free to follow me on twitter @eelyah21 or facebook.com/xebbex.
The first book Going up is on Amazon for $1, so if your keen on getting an ebook copy I'll leave the link in the side over there ------------------->
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M9XPHWM
Love yas!