Edited
THE PAST
June looked over her shoulder as she heard a car door slamming shut. With large steps Juan Carlos was quickly walking away from the vehicle; while his brother was shouting after him as he bumped into the onlookers who were staring at the spectacle his brother had made, but he ignored all of them.
June was frozen to the spot; if there was one thing she hated, it was bullying. It might have been just his friend and brother who were teasing him, but that almost made it even worse.
On top of it all, she was the reason they were laughing at him. She hardly believed it, but maybe if she had been just a random girl in his eyes that he had wanted to mess around with, his friend and brother wouldn't have laughed at him – and it wouldn't have made him angry either. A tingly feeling shot through her stomach as her mind drifted back to the hallway, where they had stood in front of each other; he had asked her out, his hand brushing her face. She didn't even have to close her eyes to feel the back of his index finger stroking her cheek.
She really wanted to go after him, if only to make sure he didn't feel too bad. But what would she say to him? That she really did have feelings for him? That she really did want to go to the prom with him? She already knew she would clam up as soon as he was around. Still, he had stood up for her twice today; first when Emilio asked her those unpleasant questions and again just a minute ago when his brother was doing the same. She wanted to do something in return, she felt obliged to do something in return – to thank him.
"June? Come on, let's go. Juan Carlos is gone, and if Mateo sees you hanging around he's just going to shout more stupid things." Again Beth's fingers closed around her wrist, but this time she pulled her arm away.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly to her friend. "I like him, Beth, I can't help it. I know you hate his brother. But Juan Carlos... He's different. Otherwise he would have been yelling those things at me himself." Nervously she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I feel bad acting like I didn't just see him walk away. If I hadn't turned him down, they wouldn't have made fun of him."
Beth heaved a deep sigh. "You know how his friends are. What makes you think he isn't just like them? He is going to break your heart, June. Why would you do that to yourself? Katie... Katie thought Mateo wasn't like his friends either. But he was the worst of them all."
June glanced over her shoulder again; Juan Carlos had almost disappeared from sight. "I won't forget what happened to your sister, Beth, I won't, and I still don't think I should go to prom with him. But... But just going home now doesn't feel right. I just... I just don't want him to feel bad. Not because of me." She smiled a bit sadly at her friend, pulled away her arm and rushed across the parking lot – giving the blue car a wide berth.
Her legs hurt because she tried to walk as hard as she could without running. She turned onto the street in which Juan Carlos had disappeared and stood up on the tips of her toes to try and see him. He was still in sight, only about 50 feet in front of her. If she were to call him, he would hear her.
But she didn't have the guts.
Her doubt rose again; what made her think this was a good idea? What made her think he even wanted to see her? There was a good chance that he agreed with his friend by now, realizing she wasn't a cool girl at all. She wasn't as pretty as all those other girls and she lacked their confidence.
Juan Carlos had reached a red traffic light. June considered this as a sign to continue her plan and walked closer. Her heart began to beat more and more fanatically with every step she took. Five more steps, four, three... a small part of her prayed that the traffic light would turn green. That didn't happen.
June stood still only three feet behind him. Should she tap his shoulder, call his name? She couldn't budge, even her tongue was lying in her mouth like a dead weight. She couldn't do this; she really hadn't thought this through.
Suddenly he turned around. His eyes widened as he saw her and in her shock June stepped back. She stammered a few incoherent syllables as heat was taking over her face.
"June..." he stammered as well, even though he could at least formulate her name. "I... What... Sorry..."
His cheeks were as red as hers had to be. It looked so sweet it made something explode in her stomach – something soft, something nice. Shyly she crossed her arms in front of her chest, her hands reaching up and holding her shoulders in an attempt to calm herself. Say something to him, June. Come on.
But her head was empty. All thoughts had drained away. She looked up at him, lost, suddenly wishing that she had never gone after him. It felt like people were looking at them, as if they were all laughing at her.
Like Emilio and Mateo had done.
Just like she thought Juan Carlos would do, the minute he would come to his senses and realized she wasn't the girl he had been thinking she was.
He rubbed at his neck, looking away from her. The traffic light had turned green in the meantime, but he paid no attention to it.
"Sorry. For a moment I thought – well, that you had come after me. Which makes no sense at all. It's just a coincidence you're standing here. I just – I just thought I recognized your smell and then I turned around and..." He took a deep breath. His cheeks became even redder as his eyes became downcast. "And now I'm saying all those stupid things. Sorry. I will leave you alone and I hope my brother and friends will do the same."
He thought he recognized my smell?? June's bewilderment at his jumbled speech made her jaw drop. Sure, his scent was unique, and every time he was around it swept her off her feet. But she had never imagined that her own scent would make her stand out; she never wore perfume or fancy lotions, nothing special beside her deodorant.
June realized that she still hadn't said a single word, after Juan Carlos at least tried starting a conversation with her.
"I – It isn't a coincidence that I'm standing here." She swallowed with difficulty. Why was it so unbelievably hard to talk to him? She had the feeling that every breath she took had the potential to suffocate her. "You – you seemed upset when you walked away. And I – I don't want you to feel bad. Es-especially not because of me."
"Because of you?" He took a step towards her and looked her right in the eye. June felt herself start to sweat. "June, you could never make me feel bad. Well, except for maybe yesterday," he added muttering. "But that was my own fault. I never should have asked you to prom, I mean you don't even know me!"
June bit her bottom lip. He was so sweet. Suddenly she longed for his touch again and with all her heart she wished he would caress her cheek once more. Nervously she put a strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn't know what to do with her hand, she fussed with the pendant around her neck; it was a rough, round piece of silver that had the Japanese symbol of hope etched into it. Her father had given it to her as a gift, right after her mother had been diagnosed with her disease. She always wondered if he had already known at that point that he would no longer be in her life a year later.
She shook off the memory and aimed her attention back to Juan Carlos. Skittishly she looked up at him. What would it be like, to go to prom with him? To be pulled close by his arms during a slow dance? Was there a chance he would try to kiss her? Butterflies raced through her stomach as her mind wandered once more. Her lips felt dry, but she didn't dare to wet them. Not when he was standing so close.
"I..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't know what to say. His eyes widened a bit as he looked expectantly at her. She bowed her head again, ashamed that she couldn't even say a full sentence to him.
She heard his feet shuffle across the ground. He was probably leaving, and why wouldn't he. She dared to bet he had never met such a strange girl.
"You eh... Would you like to get an ice cream? With me?"
June felt her heart falter. How was it possible that he still hadn't gotten tired of her and her inability to even have a conversation? Internally however felt boiling hot, so ice cream wasn't a bad idea at all. Even though she doubted her body temperature would drop as long as he was around and the thought of licking an ice cream cone while he was with her, was already embarrassing her. Keeping silent however wasn't helping anything, so she carefully looked up to him again. "O-okay."
A giant smile spread across his face and a bit dazed she stared at it. A deep warmth bubbled up inside her. Suddenly she wanted to touch him, as if she needed the certainty this wasn't one of her day dreams, but that he really was there showing her such a smile.
Holding her breath, her thumb moved to his face as if she was hypnotized, brushing along his bottom lip. She heard how he gasped for air and startled she pulled back her hand, looking anxiously at him. In his eyes she saw her own shock reflected.
"Sorry, I... uh..." she stammered. Her lips were trembling, she felt so nervous that all the warm feelings he had called up vanished and were replaced with anxiety and the urge to cry at her thoughtless action.
The smile didn't leave his face. "You don't have to apologize. I loved – I mean, there's nothing I want more than..." He swallowed, pressing his lips together and closing his eyes as if he was deep in thought.
In a flash she was brought back to what Emilio had told her: that his friend wanted to have sex with her. But that wasn't something that she wanted, and she didn't want to give him the impression she was ready for something like that. She stepped away from him, staring at him in confusion.
"I – I should go home." She stammered, wanting to walk away, but just like yesterday his fingers snaked around her wrist. The fact that he kept her from leaving again, reminded her of stories she had heard about his brother and she froze with the thought.
"Please, let me buy you an ice cream. You know, just to make it up to you a bit 'cause of my stupid brother and friend."
Bowing her head, she stared at his fingers around her wrist. His grasp felt firm, but not compelling, like she had been worried about and his thumb was softly brushing her skin leaving tingles behind.
When he let her go after apologizing ‒ again, her arm felt cold.
"There's this little Italian ice-cream parlour just on the other side of the road."
His voice sounded fragile almost as if he had given up hope and she had the feeling she would break her own heart if she rejected him again. So she breathed out shakily and nodded. She didn't dare to look up at him; afraid she would get caught in that smile again. A shiver crept down her spine. What insanity had made her caress his lip like that? Was it the same thing that happened to him this afternoon, when he touched her cheek? Could he also not control his actions? Did he also feel so confused? She thought about the words Beth had snarled at him in the hallway and imagined that he felt more embarrassed than she did now.
Hunching over a little June walked past him, crossing to the other side of the street.