Dear Diary,
When my mom left this morning, she knew it was going to snow real bad today. However, I don't think she anticipated having to make a phone call home about it telling me that she was staying there overnight due to the weather getting worse by the minute.
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The phone rang three times before I answered it.
"Hello?" I said groggily, picking the black phone up and resting my other hand on the base to which it was connected via the curly chord.
"Oh Steven, how nice to hear you're alright. Are you and James doing alright there on your own?" She sounded worried.
"Yea mom, we're fine. Don't worry about us," I reminded her.
"Well, I don't know about that but.... anyway. Have you had dinner? It's nearly seven," she pointed out.
"Oh uh..." I paused. We hadn't eaten all day. "Yea, yea... we did. Just an hour ago... we can manage," I stumbled on my words.
"Hmmm alright. Well, I won't be home tonight, I hope you all will be okay without me," she somewhat asked.
"Of course we will, mom."
"Alright... I'm just a phone call away darling if you need me, okay? I'm staying at the little motel down the street, you know the one, don't you?"
"Yea, mom, I remember," I assured her.
"Oh, good. Well, I'll let you go then. Ill see you and James tomorrow morning, or perhaps in the afternoon depending on the storm," she told me.
"Sure thing, mom."
"I love you, Steven, have a good night," she said, kindly.
"You too, bye," and I hung up and headed for my spot on the couch again.
It was a blizzard out there, you see, and Bucky was supposed to stay at my house to keep me company while mom was working today... though, now it looked like he'd be sleeping over, too.
I looked out the window from my seat on the couch and I could barely see anything at all. There were no cars nor people out there and all that I could see was maybe a building here or there across the way, but everything else was doused in white. Little bits of frozen snow crackled on the window I was looking out of and even just looking out of it's clear frames made me shiver. It was like the cool air was somehow seeping through.
There was a blanket on my legs, as I was very cold despite the nice fire Bucky was working on. He didn't seem fazed by the eighteen some odd inches of snow we were getting, as a matter of fact, he seemed to enjoy it.
He took a metal stick and moved the charred logs about in the fireplace. I fixated on the flames movements and the readjustment of the red hot embers. Then, out of nothing, the lamps and lights all flickered off. All that was left was the orange projection of the fire on Bucky's face.
"Steve... what the hell?" I could just barely see his face when he turned to look at me.
"Shit. We lost power," I stated.
"Yea, no shit Sherlock," he announced. "What're we gonna do?" He asked.
"There ain't nothing we can do, Buck. It's just us and the fire so hopefully that's enough to keep us warm until mom gets back..."
"But we haven't eaten either... you got anything we could have?"
"Maybe in the pantry. We oughta get some candles too... I can barely see anything. There are some in the drawer in the kitchen," I mentioned. He stood and headed for the drawer first, pulling out three small burnt down candles and bringing them over.
He leaves over to the fire and lit the first one. "C'mere, Steve. Find a place for this..." he handed it to me and I placed it on the table as he lit the other two. I sat back down in front of the fire so I could feel the heat on my face and forget about yesterday's series of unfortunate events. I mean, he practically ignored me and is now acting as if it's all okay.
It's not.
He got some food for us from the pantry and we devoured it before the fire. It was nothing special, just a couple hot dogs left over from the weeks previous... we had cooked them on the fire.
After, we just sat there for a while and stared into the fire. I wondered whether I should say something or not. He was being weird for the past few weeks and I wanted so badly to know what was going on in his brain but... I can't. Well, at least not without asking him.
"Bucky?" I asked quietly.
"Hmm?" He replied, never looking away from the fire.
"Look at me," I touched his shoulder and he turned his head. His eyes looked almost concerned. "What's going on?" I asked, finally.
"What d'you mean?" He replied, making it obvious in the sound of his voice that he already knew exactly what I meant. The bastard just wanted to hear me say it.
"You've been... I dunno, weird lately," I answered flatly.
"How?"
"Like that. One word answers if anything at all. Not striking up a conversation about literally anything, ever. Ignoring me when we're together, even. I can tell that you're acting like you're a million miles away from our so called conversations because of the look in your eyes," he looked at me blankly. It was like he was confused or something. "You're there, I can see you. I always can. You're sitting behind one way glass and you're hiding what you're really feeling to get a rise outta me," I felt my cheeks flush a deep red as the tips of my fingers and ears went hot. "I don't think you realize how alone that makes me feel. I was by myself in this world before and just the thought of that feeling again.... I don't think I- shit," a tear fell down my face. I felt more coming and I couldn't stop them.
My cheeks were dripping as I hid my head in my hands in an attempt to hide my ugly-cry face from Bucky.
"C'mere..." he pulled my shoulder in with his hand and hugged me. I could feel his button up shirt getting wet below my eyes but he never stopped hugging me, not for one second.
When I stopped crying (finally), he pulled me away for a moment. "You alright?... no. You know what? No. This wasn't right," he paused.
"What wasn't right?" I questioned, sniffling a little bit.
"This. It was a test... uhh, of sorts. You see, I was tryna see if you would, er, initiate for once. When you didn't, I guess I got a little desensitized to ya, that's all. It kinda got outta hand," he stopped. A sympathy smile plopped itself onto his face. "I never meant for any of this, Steve. Really," I believed him. He was so real right now that his eyes seemed to get red and glassy. "I'm sorry."
I smiled. "It's alright...." I paused and looked into the dwindling golden flame. I glanced back over at him to see that he was still looking at me. I saw his look waver... he must have seen that little glitch in my eye, that spark.
I pushed him over and straddled his waist, holding his arms above his head and planting a short, yet lustful kiss on his soft, pink lips. "That count as taking initiative?" I asked, slyly, pushing away my fears and finally mustering up the courage to swallow the lump in my throat.
He smiled for a moment before abruptly ending the silence. "Oh shut up and kiss me again," he replied.
I curled my arms around the top of his head and kissed him again, running my fingers through his hair this time. He hummed at the unprecedented, but not unappreciated, sensation.
His hands met my back and waist and pulled me down quickly. Our bodies hit each other eagerly and I couldn't stop the puff of air that came out of my mouth as a moan of sorts directly into his in the moment. He seemed to take it in, though... it seemed to almost fuel him.
I broke away, to take a look at him and saw that his normally icey blue eyes were filled with a peculiar kind of fire... a sort of flame that was ever-growing by the second.
He bit his lower lip and allowed his eyes to meander their way across my face. When they arrived back at my eyes, there was this sort of flicker of light shining through. It looked like a bolt of blue lightning or a white-hot spark...
Before I noticed any change, his hand was behind my neck, pulling my face down for another kiss as I watched his fiery eyes shutter closed. His tongue dipped into my mouth, tasting like it wanted to be sweet like his saliva, but instead was salty like the hot dogs we had finished only a few moments earlier...
His groans tumbled through my mouth, making me feel like the flame in his eyes was pushing its way into mine.
My fingertips warmed up for the first time in forever. My body, for the very first time in my whole life felt truly alive. It felt wanted. Heat surged through my previously cold, frostbitten veins sending shivers down my spine and causing my mouth to fill with saliva.
I felt this sudden urge to push down. It was so compelling. It was almost as if my mind was no longer mine and I had no say in what my body was doing. His hand on my lower back and waist guided me to where I needed to be.
So, when it came down to it, I was already there. My chest met his and my stomach as well. Then, I allowed my legs to relax and in doing so, my crotch pushed down onto his. Then there again was that feeling. That feeling that quite literally took my breath away. That irresistible compulsion that I couldn't seem to shake.
And so, I did it again.
And again.
And again.
And again, until it was unnatural for me to stop. I pushed down then came up again, only to do the same thing over and over. I didn't even think such a continuous movement was possible at this point with my, uh, respiratory condition... but I stand corrected. And good God, am I thankful for that.
This movement we had, this rhythm, it was... nice. It felt odd but in a good way. Bucky broke the silence - and our kiss, for that matter - to tell me so.
"That feels.... so good," he whispered into my ear.
I couldn't even answer without fear that I would open my mouth and nothing but a moan would come out. I gave my best answer with an "mmmm," anyways, then carried on. I grinded down on him and his belt was right there and that feeling was unmistakably the best thing I've ever experienced. So I kept on.
"Fuck, Steve... don't ever stop," he said almost as if his life depended on it. It probably wasn't even the best thing he's felt seeing how he's, uh, well... he's not a virgin..... like me. But I guess it was just us two goons reacting in the moment.
But my stupid brain got in the way of all the fun yet again. What're you doing? Is this even okay? Is it right? Steve... hello? What would Sarah say about this?
And that's what got me.
My own head. Again.
"Wait... Buck..." I stopped. Was I out of breath? What the fuck? Oh my god, help me.
"What's the matter?" He asked, also out of breath. My palms rested on his hot chest and I felt his heart racing. Mine was pounding out of my own rib cage too... we needed to calm down.
"I... I can't do this right now," well, that couldn't have come out any worse.
"What do you mean?" He asked. "Don't you-"
"Yes. Yes, I do like it but I don't know. There's something strange I feel inside me that I've never felt before and it scares me," I confessed. "It's like a wildfire, spreading in all directions. It keeps pushing me and pushing me and if I give in I don't think I'll be able to stop, Buck, I don't."
"Then don't. Let it compel you. Let it take you in and take over. Trust me, while I'm here, I won't let anything bad happen. You know I wouldn't..." he paused. "That feeling... I feel it too. It's good, Steve, trust me. It shows that you're only human. That you have emotions and that they're growing in a way you've never felt before."
"But it's so... strong, Buck."
"I know... I feel it too."
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He felt it too.
At least now I don't feel so alone in all of this...
~ Steven Grant Rogers.