Steve's Diary

July 3, 1937

Dearest Diary,

Another dreadful day.

While I hope this emotional suffering ends soon, I also don't want it to go away. It hurts so incredibly much but I don't want to forget about him.

I can't.

I refuse.

—————

The side of my face is drenched in... tears, again. The whole crying myself to sleep thing has gotten old but it's the only way I can force my mind to refrain from thinking too deeply about all of this. I can focus on one thing about him and cry about it and fall asleep for at least three or four hours a night. If I'm being honest I'm actually quite exhausted as a result of this habit... everything seems like it can only get worse.

I fell asleep with my right arm under the pillow and it's asleep. I suppose that's the least of my problems right now. My eye sight is blurry as I open them to view my sun-lit room. I push the covers off of my body... the open window had let in the heat overnight and I felt as if I might sweat to death.

Glancing over at my nightstand I noticed the time was 8:00 in the morning and noted how peculiar it was for me to be awake before noon... how bizzarre.

I looked across the room in confusion. I blinked a few times to be sure my bedroom door was in fact open... it was.

I stretched and yawned and looked again, "I'm sure I left that door closed," I whispered to myself quietly. I started closing my bedroom door after mom died so why the hell is it opened all the way?

I looked around my room and nothing seemed out of place or out of the ordinary so I stood up and walked over to the window to look out. The tree was full and green and beautiful. I closed the window itself and leaned on the sill, reminiscing upon the memories I had made out there with him.

After walking out of my room to go to the bathroom I head to the kitchen. I feel my face drop.

"Happy Birthday Stevie," Bucky says.  He's got balloons and a cake and, best of all, he's here.

"What are you doing here, Buck?" I asked in complete shock.

"Well... your birthday is tomorrow and, in all fairness, I missed you like hell," he admitted.

"Oh really? You don't look like you've been upset. Hell, look at me. I'm a train wreck. And you?" I started to feel my face getting red. I was angry. "What the fuck Bucky? What the hell were you doing hanging around Delores? Why do you make me feel like all of this was for nothing? That everything that we are- everything that we were was utter lies? You made me feel like shit for months, Buck. Months. I saw you with Delores for Gods sake! And now you think you can come back here with a cake and some balloons two months after you left me here all alone and have me back? Is that really what you think?"

He stared at me blankly. To be honest, I didn't expect that explosion from myself so I'm sure he was taken back by it as well.

"Steve," he started, slowly. "I don't think there are words to express how terrible I feel about all of this. I... you're amazing, Steve. Don't let me or anyone else ever make you feel like shit because you're worth more than that. You mean the world to me an-"

"If I really meant that much to you then why did you leave me like that for her?" I interrupted angrily. "Did you fuck her? Huh? Did you?"

"Steve, no... God, it's because you mean so much to me that I felt I had to do the best thing for you. All of this is illegal. We can't be us in today's world and we can't change that. Fuck, Steve," his voice cracked and his hands met his face. I watched a tear streak down his face. "We'll have to move on from each other eventually, Steve. I thought it'd be easier to do it now than later when.... after-"

"What? After what?" I snapped at him bitterly.

"I thought it would be easier to stop all of this now because once I stop denying the fact that I love you I won't be able to go back. After I realize that, there is nothing I can do to stop myself from having you... I mean, shit..."

The anger fell from my face instantly. He didn't outright say it but... he's getting there.

"Dot was an attempt to move on, Steve. There was nothing there... no spark. I felt nothing. And just standing here with you fills my stomach with butterflies and makes my blood buzz like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel bad that I left her like this, so suddenly but God damn it I couldn't stand another second without you," he said, sounding choked up.

"You didn't even ask me or talk to me about this, Bucky. It felt like you left me out of nowhere like mom did. It was another surprise that left me blindsided and upset for months," I started crying. "I was ready to spend my 19th birthday alone without you without my mother without anyone."

"But I'm here now. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Steve I wish I could take it all back," he approached me and put his arms loosely around my waist at a slight distance.

I looked down. "God, those eyes," I whispered. He smiled. Fuck did I say that out loud?

"Steve... please. I'm begging you," he sounded sincere but I remained silent.

I didn't say anything so he lifted my chin with his hand and brushed my lower lip with his thumb. "Steve," he whispered and I looked up at him. "Can I..." he moved closer and placed his lips on the side of mine, licking off my tears and, eventually, kissing my gently.

He pulled away but I brought my hands up to his neck and pulled him back in for another kiss. His lips tasted of my salty tears and his sweet, sweet saliva.

Our legs somehow managed to intertwine as he pushed me up against the kitchen counter. His tongue plunged into my mouth and it was so surreal. I felt like I was flying.

He pulled away and we were both completely out of breath. We looked right into each others eyes and said nothing, just enjoying holding one another again.

"Fine," I said eventually. "But listen well. If you mess this up... if you leave me again I swear to God Bucky, you're as good as gone. Is that clear?"

"Crystal... I promise. No more break ups. No more excuses. No more surprises," he said sincerely.

"Good," I agreed. "Thanks, Buck."

"No... thank you for the second chance. It's not often someone like me gets lucky and finds someone like you."

I smiled at him. I was genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like.... three thousand years.

—————

So we've made up, finally.

Now, I'm never going to let him go. I will do everything in my power to keep him here with me.

I've got a plan... don't worry. I see it. I see the future - our future. We're gonna be together, it's fool proof and I have absolutely no doubts about it.

This is gonna work... 'cause I don't know what I'm gonna do if it doesn't.

~ Steve Rogers