Steve's Diary

May 20, 1938

Dearest Diary,

We always do this.

Always us falling asleep when we shouldn't, where we shouldn't and in a way that we shouldn't.

This time, we're in Sarah's room and it was about 8pm when we nodded off. And, uh, I don't really think we've stirred much since then; we were so tired I barely remember falling asleep.

It's not even like my mom and Rebecca are here to catch us or something. Despite the repercussions of that, I still can't get over how much I wish they were still here.

Anyway, no more sad thoughts. I've gotta think about and focus on us... right now, it's just us.

—————

I stirred in my sleep and woke up suddenly. Bucky has been moving all about in his sleep and wouldn't stop. It was nearly 5:00am and I got the feeling that he had gone the whole night without sleeping.

I laid there for a moment, thinking of what to say or do to help him, but when I started to speak, the plan I had made in my mind had slipped my memory completely.

"Bucky..." I started, groggily. "You alright?" I asked.

"Hmm?" He began. "I, yea... I didn't mean to wake you, Steve."

"No it's fine... I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. You've been moving around and-"

"I'm okay. Really. I've just- I haven't been able to fall asleep is all."

"Why not?"

"Deep in thought, I suppose," he revealed.

"About what? You know you can tell me anything," I reminded him.

"I know, I know. It's just, I've been debating whether or not to tell you, is all."

"Why?"

"I don't know... it just is more controversial in my own head than it should be," he explained.

"You know I won't judge you, Bucky."

"I know. I mean, damn, Steve. Why do you have to be so good at talking to me," he said.

I smiled. He always compliments me... always points out such nice things about me; the things I never see in myself.

"C'mere," he whispered.

I moved over to where he was laying and put my face on the same pillow as his, awaiting his next action.

I looked into his eyes as much as I could with the darkness looming around us. I let my eyes wander around his skin; across his perfect nose and eyebrows, the stubble on his cheeks and the tiny grin across his face. Those lips. God, stop me there.

I met his eyes once more and he inhaled sharply, moving closer so our bodies began to intertwine.

"If I tell you, you can't tell another soul," he told me. "Promise?"

"I promise... and when I promise something, I never, ever break that promise," I assured him.

I heard him sniffle and felt his strong hand at my cheek, his surprisingly soft fingers curling around my ear and neck. Then, his lips met mine and the room went dark.

I felt as if I had been deprived of every single other sense besides his touch. His legs around mine, his hand in my hair, his arm pulling my waist closer, his tongue at my lips.

It was perfection.

When he pulled away suddenly it was like the wind was knocked out of me. I awaited his following actions; when there weren't any, I let my ears remained open for whatever he may have to say seeing how I felt something of significance coming.

"I was thinking..... I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I told you... I thought I'd just wait until the morning but- well.... I had to tell you," he struggled to find his words. "I knew I would have to tell you eventually that... that I really  do love you, Steve."

I felt my eyes prickle with newfound tears of joy. "I love you too, Bucky," I replied.

It all felt so... amazing. Sure, I had said it before but it was almost as if his timing couldn't have been any more perfect. I felt a tear fall down my cheek, then another, and another.

He wiped them away and brought me out of this eternal darkness I had felt ever-so trapped in for so many years. When his lips gel upon mine again, I felt his labored breathing across my face... I felt his wet lips pushing hard onto mine so that he might never have to let go. God, I never wanted him to let go.

—————

So we fell asleep like that, in the arms of the other, feeling safer than usual and sleeping more soundly than ever before.

~ Steve Rogers