Steve's Diary

April 23, 1939

Dear Diary,

Seeing as it's late April, I don't know, I kind of don't expect the weather to be like this... it's really nice outside today and, well, it was Bucky's idea to go out today.

I don't really think I would be going out so often like this if it weren't for him if I'm being honest. You could say I'm lucky, I suppose, to have someone like that to push me to do things I never would have done before.

Even after all this time, I'm still finding new things I love about him.

—————

"Are you out of your goddamn mind, Buck?" I nearly shouted.

"What? Central Park is nice, don't you think it'd be fun to go?" he asked.

"Yea, fun, if we were taking the Buick. You're telling me you want to walk almost twelve miles?"

"Oh come on! Don't be such a baby, Steve," he added.

"A baby? Bucky, you know damn well that I've got bad lungs. Are you trying to give me an asthma attack?"

"No..." Then, he stopped for a second, thinking of alternate plans of action. "I don't know, Steve, it's nice out. Don't you wann-"

"Of course I want to walk there. It's not even really a matter of wanting to do something," I started. "There's a lot of things I want to do, Buck. You know I would kiss you if I could, or hold your hand..." I whispered. "But we're outside and I know I can't do those things without risking other people seeing. It's the same thing here, where it's a question of can I, reasonably, walk twelve miles without risking literally dying."

"Okay, okay, fine. We can take the Buick. I'm sorry, I didn-"

"It's fine," I smiled up at him. "Let's go," I said, playfully nudging the arm with which he held the picnic basket.

• • •

It hadn't taken us all that long to actually get there, as driving took us a lot less time than walking would have.

Bucky picked a spot under a massive cherry blossom tree and we plopped all of our stuff down and began to set up the blanket. It was perfectly shaded and just warm enough with the slightest bit of wind to balance everything out.

As we sat down and started eating the food we had brought, though, I felt like people were watching us like they had been that one day at Caffe Reggio, you know, the coffee shop with the really inexpensive menu. It was strange, really, because, looking back at the memory, we had been all alone in the park that day. I mean, it was April... no one wanted to be out here with the possibility that it might start raining at literally any given moment.

I let it be and kept on as we were, ignoring that somewhat haunting feeling that there was someone trying to catch us doing something wrong, which, seemed to follow me wherever I went when we were together out in public.

Though, let me just say, if there really had been someone watching all along, they wouldn't have had to have looked too long or hard to catch us. It was, in fact, rather obvious. The same thought passed through my mind every time I looked at him and got that strange feeling in my gut, that there are some things that really can't be hidden. The Sun, for one, as he pops out every single day without fail... the Moon as a close second because she shows her face almost every night... and, lastly, the truth, as it always finds its way around, no matter how badly you hope it doesn't.

Luckily, the only people who know about us is, besides mom, only us. Surprisingly, we were able to keep a secret for once... maybe that's a direct result of the fact that the result of this particular situation may be a matter of life or death, in all seriousness.

I looked over at him, nonetheless, with this feeling of - something... something inexplicable gurgling around and starting up inside me. Like an impulse. It was like something I've never felt out in public before, therefore, it was like a new feeling entirely. I even felt my eyes grow hungry as I looked up at him. I felt my skin start to itch for attention and my tongue get heavy as it sat, motionless, in my mouth.

He looked over at me and I felt my eyes grow wide at the fact that he had caught me and at the fact that I hadn't looked away instantaneously, like I normally would have. I was finally holding his gaze and it felt like... like this may not have been the best time to try and out-do him and reach for his level, but I was doing it anyway. Either way, I felt like I was floating - he had caught me in the act and I liked it - I was defying gravity.

He swallowed and let his mouth hang open just the slightest bit. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying to tease me and, goddamn it, it was working. Just looking at him and not being able to have him was killing me and he could see it. He knew exactly what he was doing to me and I knew that, any second now, he would yank it right out from under me.

There it was. His eyes softened and they were, somehow, less intense. He looked as though he was about to say something, and I knew I was going to regret hearing it. Watch. It's gonna be all nice and fluffy and, right now, all I want is for him to say something out of one of those daydreams of mine. Something risky, something out there... something so hot that he couldn't even bear to say out loud- something he knew he shouldn't say to me while we were here, in public, of all places, but he knew damn well that I wanted him to... that I needed him to.

Despite my strong thoughts, nothing had changed. I felt this urge fill me up, but the expression on his face showed me that there was no hope. I fidgeted with my napkin in my lap as I was making a rather unfortunate revelation. My pants began to feel less tight... by a lot. I didn't dare look down, but if this was (a boner) what I thought it was (which, by the way, it most definitely was)... then I'm done. How had I failed to notice the hard-on that I had been sporting for God knows how long? The looseness in my crotch area tells me that there was certainly something there which means he definitely saw it and that's why he was messing with me.  

I hate this. 

Oh, but I know I can't live without it. 

So I smiled at him and he smiled back, him pretending like he wasn't all that. I mean, please, he really was the most smug man in the whole world at the mom ent, wasn't he? Making me hard in the middle of the park and making me feel like I was losing my mind while, in reality, I was just losing my ability to uphold my mental restraints to my physical demands, which were a lot stronger than I could have ever anticipated. 

He really did have a hold over me, didn't he?

—————

I guess, though, I always knew he had something on me... I just never really knew what, exactly, it was. Now, I see it. The image is so unimaginably clear that I simply cannot believe how much of a dumbass I have to have been in order to have never noticed it.

Oh well, it was worth it for the memories.

~ Steve R.