Steve's Diary

August 28, 1937

Dear Diary,

Rebecca's gone and it seems like she took part of Bucky's soul with her. He's not been the same since... that night.

It makes me want to cry right here and now just remembering how terribly distraught he was... it reminds me of losing my mom, and that grief -the grief of losing a parent- is something I can't take from him. It's something he has to work through... I can guide him but I can't interfere or he'll never heal.

I hope we both end up as normal human beings in the end.

—————

"Steven Grant Rogers, natural born son of the kind Lady Sarah and brave Lord Joseph..." He said with a playful look on his face. "Oh, thine good Lord of Brooklyn, wherefore art thou so far from me over yander? Please, good Sire, come hither," he shouted with his own rendition of an old-timey British accent. "Distract me from those horrid, daily woes of mine own creation! Pull me from reality, oh great one! Thrust thine self upon mine own life and cure me of those dreadful sorrows!" He was sprawled across the couch with a hand to his heart and his eyes clamped shut for dramatic effect.

"Bucky... what are you doing?"

"Oh come on Steve, I'm tryna have funnnnn! Come here," he reached over to the radio and turned the volume up. Static filled the room as he attempted to find a good song. "Here we go, yes!" He stood.

"What?" I questioned, still lost.

"You've never seen this musical? Seriously?"

"Buck, we have no money... how have you managed to see any sort of musical yourself?" I asked.

"Uh... I might have snuck in... er- that's not relevant... it's from A Damsel In Distress with Joan Fontaine oh, and Fred Astaire you gotta know him! I mean come on Steve, it's claaaaassic!"

"If it's a so called 'classic' then why have I never heard of it before, hmmm?"

"I don't know," he said in a lilted tone of voice. "It's called Things Are Looking Up and it's just started so get up and dance with me."

"But Bucky-"

"Don't 'but Bucky' me, mister. Get your ass over here right now and dance with me, God damn it," he demanded as the plunkey music strung along in the background.

"Fineeee," I grunted.

"If I should suddenly start to sing... or stand on my head or anything... don't think that I've lost my senses... it's just that my happiness finally commences..." he started singing along, pulling me up to him while closing his eyes and, really, putting his heart and soul into it. He wasn't actually half as bad as I would have expected.

I smiled up at him as he opened his eyes. There was this little twinkle I saw inside him, a mere sparkle in his eye as I looked up at him.

"The long long ages of dull despair... are turning into thin air... and it seems that suddenly I've... become the happiest man alive..." he continued, pulling me into his chest as if we were to begin slow dancing.

As his hand met my lower back, he pulled me towards him; he pulled me as close as I would physically go. I rested my hands on his shoulders as he placed his hands on my waist in attempts to keep my body as close to his as possible.

"Things are looking up... I've been looking the landscape over... and it's covered with 4 leaf clover... oh things are looking up... since love looked up at me..." He looked directly into my eyes and put on a little smile before going on to the next verse and pulling me along with him. "Bitter was my cup... but no more will I be the mourner... for I've certainly turned the corner... oh things are looking up... since love looked up at me..." he highlighted the word love as he said it, even going so far as to tighten his grip on my waist at the same time.

As I looked up at him I realized what was happening... I was literally looking up at him. The line was 'since love looked up at me' meaning that things are in fact looking up for us ever since I plopped myself into his life? Does that sound right? I'm not so sure...

"See the sunbeams..." he moved along, "every one beams... just because of you..." he danced across the floor, singing and pulling me with him. "Love's in session... and my depression... is unmistakably through..." his expression got to be more sincere as the song came to a close. "Things are looking up... it's a great little world we live in... oh I'm happy as a pup... since love looked up at me..." he ended, holding me tight and close and staring right into my eyes, unwavering the whole while.

The next song began but we both ignored it in all of its insignificance.

I watched his eyes in great detail, trying to decode the riddle that they were to me; I looked for blaring hints of any and all sorts. His gaze seemed to flicker quickly between my right and left eyes before he looked down at my lips for a long second and back up. His pupils had dilated and covered some of that beautiful bright silver-blue color of his irises.

He leaned down and gently touched my lips with his own so as to not kiss me just yet, but to tease me and make me want it more than I already do.

I felt a burning heat rush through my veins in anticipation starting down my neck and through my limbs shortly thereafter.

I used my hands that were still placed behind his neck to pull him in. He smirked as I was finally more clever than he anticipated.

At first the kiss was soft. It was slow and delicate and quiet like a babbling brook. It then picked up speed and became a roaring river with tongue and traveling hands and biting and sucking...

Look where we are now, Bucky and I... all because of one simple song that I didn't even wanna dance to.

—————

I think he and I both are finally starting to get better. Better at grieving and moving on and accepting and... and starting anew.

The only constant we have is one another and as I see it now, that's how we both intend on it remaining.

Sure, my moms gone. Sure, so is Bucky's dad... but there's nothing that can be done to change that. I mean, his mom was gone a long while ago but he's survived. He's moved on. Same with my dad... he died fighting for our country in World War I and, even though I never actually met him, I still have to live without him -that ain't never gonna change. The only thing left for us now is the ability to go forward and the hope within our hearts that the future holds less loss for the both of us.

I keep telling everyone to move on, I really do say it a lot. So I think now, more so than ever before, I should start following my own advice.

~ S. Rogers