NOT EDITED
Today was going to be a great day, I could just feel it. Not only because today was the TCA but because I was going to be able to see a lot of friends like Ronny, Liam and Carter. Yes, Carter.
After that night, he somehow had gotten my number and we began talking to each other everyday. Not only text messages but nightly phone calls too.
He wanted to take me out on a date but because of our busy schedules, it was difficult. While he was filming a movie, I was promoted the band's album.
I truly did want to go on a date with him, mostly because he was the kind of guy that I needed in my life. Someone who genuinely cared about me. But partly because I needed yo take my mind off Harry.
Since that night, we hadn't said a word to each other, not even in interviews. I couldn't bare it. Every time I took a look at him, it reminded me that I was just an object to him. I sometimes blamed myself because I got myself in this situation. I was the one who let all this happened. Who slept with Harry, several times. Who was the whore that was stabbing Lia in the back.
But in this moment I was just glad that the world didn't know about it. If it ever got out, I wouldn't know what to do with myself.
It wouldn't ever happen again, I promised myself. I deserved better.
" you okay there Cailin?" a petite voice said in front of me.
I looked up to see Olivia holding up three outfits.
" just a lot on my mind" I shrugged.
Olivia nodded and went back to looking at the three options I had.
" just for today, I'll give you the option of choosing between them" she smirked at me.
Instead of only one outfit for the night, I had the option of choosing two since we were performing. The performance outfits was already chosen but I had to chosen the outfit before the performance and the after outfit. The were all gorgeous just like I had asked her to look for, simple but that made a statement.
" these" I said as I pointed out the dresses.
*
Since the TCA's were in LA, we were all put into a hotel. Luckily I had my own room. After Olivia and the make-up/hair stylist got my ready, I made my way down to the lobby with James.
" so what's going on with you and Harry?" he asked as the elevator slowly started making it's way down with us in it.
" what are you talking about?" I asked back hoping he wasn't asking about how we weren't talking. I didn't want our problems to affect the band and I sure didn't want James to notice. Because if he noticed, anyone could have noticed.
" well you two have been avoiding each other" he responded.
" that's not true" I shook my head lying.
" you two haven't said a word to each other the last couple of days" James insisted.
" stop imagining things James" I said as the elevator doors opened revealing the crowded lobby.
Groups of people started screaming my name and flashing pictures with their camera phones. I smiled and James gave the opportunity to take pictures with some of them.
" the boys aren't ready yet, so you can wait in the car" James said rushing my into the SUV. I didn't even get a chance to look inside before James had already shut the car door.
I looked behind me and there was Harry. He was dressed black pants and grey T-shirt with a black hat. His eyes didn't leave mine as I tried to looked away. But nothing worked.
Harry eventually looked out the window making me finally be able to breathe again.
Minutes passed and still there was no sign of Zayn nor Louis.
" so how's your dad?" he asked in a quiet tone.
I looked back at him with a shocked expression.
The question shocked me. He was the only one who knew about yet I didn't know he actually cared. He had never asked me about it after that day.
I had promised my dad I would visit him more often and I had kept that promise. Every time we got back in New York, my first stop was his hospital room. I would tell him everything. Including the whole situation with Harry. I never got an answer back from him obviously but just to let it out to someone who wouldn't judge my decisions was the best thing.
The few times I had talked to my mom on the phone, she avoided the subject on my dad. She didn't like talking about it. Maybe she felt guilty about not visiting or moving with other men. Still there was no excuse.
" he's the same" I assured Harry who was still looking at me.
Harry simply nodded. There wasn't much he could say and I knew that. He probably didn't want to say anything stupid so he just shut himself up.
Thankfully Zayn and Louis got into the silent car a minute later.
The ride to the Teen Choice Awards was short but rowdy. Louis and Zayn couldn't keep quiet in their seats, they were hyped. I don't blame them, this was the first time we were going perform at an award show. I would have been just like them if I hadn't been forced those moments with Harry. It had distracted me.
As soon as the car door opened revealing the blue carpet, people that were standing behind the bars screamed. Immediately I smiled and waved. This was one of my favorite things to see. It felt great.
As we made our way down the blue carpet, we did interviews that mainly asked about our new album and touring coming up.
As we finished one of the interviews I looked over and caught Carter smiling at me. I waved hello to him smiling back and immediately he started walking towards me.
" hey beautiful" he smiled.
I don't know what it was about him but every time he gave me a compliment I got flushed, including right now.
As soon as he saw the blush on my face he pulled me in for a hug. Which caused everyone's attention to turn towards us.
Ever since the picture of Carter and I hanging out together at the Miami festival had gotten out, people had been saying that we were dating or hooking up. In my head, I didn't mind. Mostly because I maybe wanted that to happen.
In Carter's embrace, his cologne filled my nostrils and caused me to blush even more. He smelled amazing. I could have stayed there hugging him for hours like a creep if it was okay.But of course all good things must come to an end.
Carter pulled away but kept his hand on my back. He turned us towards the cameras so they could take our pictures together. I didn't bother me as much as it should have. Maybe I was finally getting used to being in the lime light.
*
Opening the Teen Choice Awards with our performance was probably the most nerve wracking thing in the world. Luckily I wasn't the only one who was nervous, Zayn was a mess too.
Louis ended up calming Zayn down. But for me I knew there was only one thing that could calm me down right now. As the boys went to go to go do some solo interviews, I dug through the Harry's bag and pulled out his cellphone and ear buds.
Weirdly enough, he didn't have a password locking it. I pulled up his music selections and playing the only song that calmed me down.
Hold on we're going home
As the song continued to play, I could see a shadow of someone walking towards our dressing room so I quickly took it out of my ear and shoved the cell phone back into Harry's bag.
It ended up being James say that it was time for our performance. I had chosen to perform our song Catch My Breath. As soon as we got on that stage my nerves went away.
It was better in a way because a lot of the people we they were there which made everything more comfortable.
As soon as we finished our song, I could see Lia walking on to the stage with a microphone. She was wearing a short girly red dress that showed off her personalty beautifully. Sexy and cute at the same time. I hadn't even seen her on the red carpet earlier. Probably because I was posing with Carter and Ronny.
" I would happily like to announce the winner of best new artist, All Oblivion!" Lia cheered. Immediately a guy that come out with her, handed Louis the surfboard.
Harry gave her a peck the lips and smiled brightly at her. The way he looked at her made me feel something inside me that I wasn't used to. Jealousy. I wanted him to look at me like that. I just hoped the cameras didn't catch my reaction to the whole scene.
Before I knew it, Lia hugged me.
" congrats Cai" she smiled.
But the tone in her voice screamed confusion. Not about why we won but about how I had distanced myself from her. Ever since I had started having feelings for Harry, at least noticed that I had feelings, I distanced myself from her. Lia didn't deserve a friend like me. I had stabbed her in the back after all.
After we had gotten off the stage, we all changed and sat down on our assigned seats. Surprisingly the had put me right behind Carter and next to Ronny.
Carter would occasionally look back at me and smile or wink. Ronny would notice and poke my on my rib cage just to make fun of me. Even though she loved to tease, she approved and encouraged me to go out with him when we'd get a chance.
After an hour of the award show, Carter walked out on the stage with a mic and a award in his hand.
" so tonight I have the honor to present the female hottie award" he smirked.
The audience went wild. Carter Dane was the bachelor of Hollywood a every teenage girl was crazy over him and since he had work or was connected to most of the nomanies, so it really did make sense for him for present the award.
Ronny had worked with him on a movie after she was done with Disney and even had him in one of her music videos. Lia was currently working with him now on a movie. As for me, people were starting to think we were dating.
" and the winner is.." Carter said as he opened up the envelope.
Lia, who was beside Harry, looked over at me and smiled. By the way she looked at me, I guessed it juat meant 'good luck'. I smiled back hoping that I expressed the same expression.
Harry' s eyes glanced over at me but had no expression to be seen. His face was just blank. I couldn't see anything in his eyes.
Ronny was the one that ended up winning that award. Of course I cheered her on. I was sort of happy she won. I didn't want to win an award alone without the boys. I wouldn't have felt very comfortable up on the stage alone.
Zayn won choice smile which caused him to gloat at us in his speech. Of course everyone in the audience laughed with him because of the way he said it.
Harry and Lia won choice couple. The moment they walked up to the stage together holding hands, I knew I didn't want to look at them anymore. Especially when Harry said his speech.
" Lia James is an amazing woman. Not just as a girlfriend but as a best friend too and I wouldn't exchange her for anything. She the best anyone could have ever asked for" he said in the mic.
The worst part was that he had said his speech looking directly at me. I don't think anyone noticed but I sure did. His eyes were piercing into mine after all.
Lia of course was mezmorized by his speech. It had probably been the sweetest thing he had ever said to her. She was on cloud nine in that moment.
Luckily for me, the label decided to throw an after party and invited pretty much every known person that was at the award show.
As soon as I found out there would be no paparazzi, I knew I would be able to drink as much as I wanted.
Ronny was the first person who brought over a bottle of tequila to me. We both took about three shots before dancing over to the dance floor. Before I knew it, Carter was dancing with me and I couldn't stop smiling.
I would see the guys walking around or talking to other people but they were quick glances. Surprisingly we didn't even hang out with each other that night.
Every time I glanced over at Zayn, he seemed to be on his phone which wasn't surprising. Lately, his eye's were glued to his phone, probably talking to someone but he would never tell me. Louis had his arm around a girl all night which also wasn't surprising. This was typical Louis, a different girl every night.
As for Harry, I knew I wouldn't be hanging out with him tonight. But yet, every time I glanced over at him, he was looking at me right back. Even with Lia in his arms. Either I would look away or he would but those little moments still happened.
As my cup filled with vodka became empty, I walked over to the bar and ordered another vodka.
" hi Cai" a petite voice said beside me.
I looked over to see Lia half smiling.
" hi" I nodded trying to smile but did not succeed.
" what's going on?" she asked.
" I don't know what you're talking about" I shook my head as the bartender handed me my drink.
" you've been avoiding me for a while now but you're still hanging out with my brother. I just don't get it. Are you dating my brother or something?" Lia asked.
Immediately I started laughing.
" you think Liam and I are dating?" I laughed.
" that's the only conclusion I have" she shrugged with a smile.
" I've just had a lot going on and I didn't want to involve you in it" I made up.
As much as I wanted to tell Lia the truth, the whole truth, I knew that it would only mess things up even more. If she found out, she'd hate me for the rest of her life and there would be nothing I could do to forgive me.
" I'm sorry" I said and immediately she gave me a hug.
If she only knew what I was really apologizing for..
After a couple of hours of partying, I was way past tipsy. I wasn't sloppy but I was definitely drunk. A lot of people had already left the party like Lia and Carter because of filming the next day. But the party was definitely still going on.
Because of all the drinking, my bladder would scream every hour. I exited the bathroom stall and went straight to the sink to wash my hands. Thankfully there was no one else in the bathroom to see me in this light. In the party, there was hardly any light so it was pretty dark. Looking at myself in the mirror, it reminded me of the times I used to go out with Willow.
Make-up smudged. Hair volumized. Eyes squinted.
I quietly laughed at myself.
The bathroom door opened and in walked Harry. Because of the reflection in the mirror, there was no way I couldn't have seen him and he knew that. As he locked the door behind him, his eyes never disconnected from mine.
" Cailin.." he began to say.
" just leave Harry" I said sounding more like begging. I closed my eyes trying to pretend he wasn't there and hopefully he would just leave.
" Cailin" he said again only closer this time. Before I knew it, i could feel his breath on my neck sending shivers down my spine.
" stop" I whispered as he began kissing my neck.
I knew what he was doing. He wanted his way with me and then leave again, humiliating me. I knew all of this and yet my body ached for him. I wished I had more control over my own body.
Harry turned my body around and continued kissing down my neck. He picked me up making me sit on the sink and my legs immediately reacted wrapping around his torso. His hands made their way from my waist to my breast squeezing them and bit causing a moan to escape from my lips.
I pulled on his hair tighter making his kiss to become harder and more demanding. His hands went back to my waist, holding on tighter to me and pulling me closer to him.
Here I was with him again and I knew only bad things could come from this. Just remembering the talk I had with Lia only hours ago made something in my mind light up.
As hard as it was, I pushed Harry away causing him to stumble a few feet away. I could tell he was just as drunk as me. His eyes were squinted and his hair all messed up. Probably because of my own hands. The look on his face was a mix of confusion and lust at the same time.
" I can't do this to myself anymore" I shook my head.
" you've said that a thousand times before" Harry chuckled.
" I'm serious this time!" I said jumping off the sink.
Harry continued to smirk and shake his head. He thought I was his whenever he wanted. As if I was his little whore.
" I'm going on a date with Carter" I said.
The smirk on his face immediately dropped. His eyes became dark.
" you're not going out with him Cailin!" he shouted.
" who are you to tell me who I can and cannot date? You're not my father" I glared at him.
" you're right, you're father is a vegetable on a bed" he said immediately.
As soon as those words left his lips, I knew he didn't mean to say them. But even if he didn't mean to say, he still said it. Which meant he thought about my dad that way.
" Cailin.." he whispered.
" don't Harry" I shook my head trying to keep the tears from falling from my eyes.
Harry gently ran his fingers across my cheek and brushed my hair away from my face.
" you know I didn't mean it" he whispered.
" what do you want Harry?" I said still looking at the ground.
" you" he said before crashing his lips against mine.
The kiss was just as hard and demanding as before but this time I felt as if he was more desperate for it.
Images of Lia flashed in my mind again which made me push Harry away again.
" stop!" I yelled.
Harry's eyes were wide and eyebrows scrunched.
" you can't keep doing this to Lia. You can't keep doing this to me" I shook my head.
" what do you want me to do Cailin?" Harry grumbled.
" I want you to decide!" I cried.
Harry stood there not saying anything.
" I don't want to be like this anymore. I can't handle it anymore Harry" I said.
" I can't break up with her" he mumbled.
" I know why you can't. Because Lia is your safe haven. You know that she is so love with you that she would never leave. For some reason you are so afraid to be alone and she the only option for you. The only option you see" I said holding back tears.
" stop.." Harry begged.
" you can't live your life like this Harry. You have to take risks with love and relationships. That's what it's all about" I choked out.
" I can't" Harry whispered before turning towards the door.
" this is your last chance Harry" I said out loud.
Harry stopped as soon as his hand touched the door knob to listen to what I was going to say next.
" if you walk away now, I'm truly done with this mess. I'm gonna move on, with Carter" I warned.
Looking at Harry standing by the door made my heart accelarate not knowing what he was going to do or say. This was his chance, his last chance. I knew that if he walked away, I really did have to move on. I deserved better.
But deep down I knew that if he did really walk away, it would crush me. Crush me harder than ever before.
What if he did stay? What would happen to my friendship with Lia? I knew that hiding a relationship with Harry wouldn't be easy and people would find out quickly. Was that really what I wanted?
All those questioned disappeared from my mind as soon as Harry opened his mouth.
" be careful with him" Harry warned before walking out the door.
His decision was made leaving me on the bathroom floor crying like a heartbroken girl. Which I was.
~
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