Losing her was the biggest mistake I ever made.
Losing my son made it even harder.
And now I don't know what to do anymore.
***
When I finally told Frances the truth about being a father, I deliberately didn't tell her that Nicole was the mother of my unborn baby. That idea wouldn't set well with her considering the fact that she hated Nicole. I would never forget the look on her face when she found out that I got someone pregnant. As expected, she requested for space - time to think things through. And so we decided to not see each other for a while until she came up with a decision. We didn't talk for two weeks - and at the same time, I decided to talk to my mother about my situation.
Of course she was upset - who could blame her? I messed up big time and that meant she might not even be able to see her grandchild. My sisters were disappointed in me as well since they were expecting to finally meet Nicole. "I didn't raise you to become like your father, Teo." And no matter how I tried to explain myself, she said she wouldn't understand what I did. Neither did my sisters.
I had disappointed so many people in my life that I didn't know what to do anymore. Even Wacks who had always taken my side, hated my guts. But from him I did learn about how Nicole was doing. He had been resourceful and added her on FB, he told me. And from there I found out that Nicole would be having her baby shower at Funky Brewster to which he had been invited to. I did drive by just to see how she was, and I did not like what I saw. It looked like Tony was back in her life again.
I later received a call from Wacks after the baby shower. He wanted to meet me and said that he had something to important to tell me. We ended up meeting at his place. When I got there, he handed me a small envelope. "She wanted you to have that."
I opened the envelope and what I saw inside made my heart ache all the more.
It was the picture of her ultrasound - the appointment I failed to attend with her. On it was a post-it that said the baby was a boy.
"Thanks, Wacks."
"His name is Matthew Nikolai."
Finding out the baby's name made me feel even worse. I clutched the photo tightly - it may be the last I'd be able to see of my son anyway.
"She's due in a few weeks, dude. What do you plan to do?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. I don't have the balls to face her anymore."
"Yeah you did mess her life up."
"Do me a favor, dude. Could you let me know when she gives birth? I have to be there. I promised her."
Wacks sighed. "I'll see what I can do."
***
A few days later Frances finally contacted me. It had been a tearful reunion. She said she forgave me and this time, would make sure that she never neglected me again. She blamed herself for what happened - and I guess from what she told me, she figured out it was Nicole whom I'd gotten pregnant. She told me about her argument about Tony and at first she couldn't believe what she found out. So she did some thinking and decided that it was time for her to make a stand for the first time. "I've been so unfair to you, Matteo. You never deserved how I treated you." She hugged me tightly and I could tell she was about to cry again. "I'll never leave you, Matteo. This time, I choose you."
I didn't know what to say. I was still so confused. So I showed her the picture of the ultrasound. "I promised to be there when Nicole gave birth. I guess I can't do that now."
"Why not? You deserve to be there and see your son. I know how much that baby means to you. And if it makes you happy, I will support you all the way."
I guess hearing her say that made me feel a little better. But what happened a few weeks later would change all that.
I received the message I had been waiting for.
Nicole was going to give birth.
***
I found out from Wacks that Nicole told him she was at St. Luke's. How Wacks was able to get that information from Nicole, I didn't know - but I would forever be grateful to him for telling me. Unfortunately, when I received the message from him, I was with Frances. I guess fate wanted me to decide again.
"What's wrong, Matteo?"
I guess since I received the message, I had forgotten for a brief moment that I was with her. I gave a long sigh and told her.
She was silent for a while and I didn't know how to tell her that I wanted to be there when Nicole gave birth. I guess she read my mind because she told me that we needed to rush to the hospital before it was too late.
And we were.
Because what welcomed us when we arrived was Tony carrying my son in his arms.
I felt my world crumble at the sight of him taking the place where I should have been. Frances was surprised to see him as well. And when he saw us, he refused to let me near the baby. I saw him tell the nurse to bring Nikolai to the nursery and made sure I wasn't able to get even a glimpse of my kid.
"He's my son." I protested.
"You gave up your right to be a father to Nikolai when you broke her heart."
His statement actually hurt. I wanted to protest again but Miranda suddenly intervened. She managed to pacify Tony and make him leave the area. When he did, she turned her attention to me and Frances.
"You shouldn't have come." Miranda told us.
"Matteo's the father of Nikolai. He has every right to be here." I heard Frances protest.
Miranda looked at us with a vicious glint in her eyes. "But Tony's here. You know how he would react if he saw Matteo."
"I wanted to be here, Miranda, I swear." Then I broke down. I guess carrying all that guilt finally took its toll on me. And knowing that Tony took my place at the delivery room didn't help much.
Miranda sighed. "The baby's name is Matthew Nikolai Cabral. Go check the nursery while Tony's preoccupied with Nicole."
When Miranda finally left us, I felt Frances squeeze my arm. "Let's go see your son."
***
When we got to the nursery, I saw the nurse who was with Tony earlier. Frances then asked if I could hold the baby and apologized for the scene that she saw a while ago. And when the nurse finally let me carry my son, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy in my heart. He looked so tiny and fragile that I was scared to hold him at first. I watched as the nurse carried him from the crib to my arms. "Hello, Nikolai. I'm sorry I wasn't there when your mommy gave birth to you." I sighed and looked at that angel in my arms looking so innocent that it hurt when I realized what an asshole I had been to Nicole. "I want you to know that Daddy loves you very much and he will do all he can to be with you again. Even if Mommy doesn't want him to..."
I couldn't let him go but I guess the nurse needed to place him back in the nursery so that he could join Nicole soon. And when he left my arms, I felt the emptiness in my heart come back. Frances gave me a pat on the back. "Are you ok?"
I sighed and shook my head. "I let her down again."
I knew I shouldn't have said that because it made Frances a bit uneasy. But at that point, all I could do was voice out what I felt. So when Miranda spotted us leaving the nursery, Frances offered to excuse herself and would just meet me by the parking area. I followed Miranda to the lounge area where she handed me a piece of paper. "It's your call if you want to be on Nikolai's birth certificate."
"Of course I do." I immediately signed where my name appeared.
"Smart choice at last."
"How is she?" I asked hesitantly.
"Resting but otherwise she's fine. Tony's with her anyway."
I suddenly felt like a knife was stabbed in my gut. "Are they back together?"
I saw her shoulders shrug. "He filled in the shoes you left behind."
So they really were back together.
She looked at me hesitantly. "Are you happy with how things ended?"
"Are you hoping I'm not?" I couldn't help but reply.
She smiled. "Wow. You finally learned how to answer back. I guess the nice boy Nicole first saw in you finally grew up. I take it you're still together with Frances. I guess things worked out for you both in the end. You did choose to be with her."
"Yeah." But my answer didn't even convince me. The truth was, even if Frances and I were back together, I still couldn't fill the void that was left in my heart when I lost Nicole. And no matter how I tried, I still couldn't get Nicole out of my head.
"Well, I'm glad you signed the papers. But I can't let you see Nicole. I don't think she'd want that. And even if she did, you know Tony. He still hates you for what you did."
"I guess they were able to work things out, too." And just stating that fact made me feel even worse.
"Yeah. He's been wonderful to her. Ever since you left." I knew Miranda couldn't help but say that. I did break her sister's heart after all.
I knew I wasn't allowed to see Nicole, but I told Miranda that I wanted to help. So I wrote her a check to cover the hospital bill and made her swear not to tell her sister. I doubt Nicole would even accept any help I wanted to offer anyway. We parted ways after that. And when I reached Frances, I felt even more depressed than before. I couldn't believe Nicole let Tony back in her life. I guess I would never find out the reason why she changed her mind.
"Are you sure you're ok?" I heard her say.
I nodded. "Let's go somewhere. I'm not welcome here anymore."
***
We drove around for a bit until Frances told me that she wanted to grab a bite to eat. I figured she'd want to talk to me about what happened. And she did.
"Matteo, I know how important this day was for you." She took both my hands. "Let it out. I'll listen to anything you want to say. You look like someone killed you."
I sighed. "I broke another promise I made to her."
"At least you got to see your son. Isn't that what you wanted?"
I couldn't tell her that wasn't the only thing I wanted to do. I also wanted to see Nicole and apologize for everything. And if I could, I wanted to make up for hurting her, for abandoning her the way I did. So instead of replying to Frances, I just looked away.
"Are you in love with her?"
Her question caught me off guard. Was I? I couldn't look at Frances now. Neither could I come up with anything to respond to her.
"Are you in love with Nicole, Matteo?"
I knew she wouldn't stop until I answered. So I took a deep breath and finally spoke.
"I don't know..."
-end chapter 27-