Peter Parker was a dirty rat. He loved the kid and everything, but he was a conniving and sneaky little bastard. Tony unlocked the lab for him and then the little shit dragged him upstairs (he shot him with a few webs, actually, because he was being difficult). Peter stuck him to the kitchen counter.
"Sorry," he smiled.
"Traitor!" Tony cried.
"It's for your own good," he warned.
Natasha came down the stairs with a very unhappy Steve slung over her shoulder.
"Bruce passed out, so i've been charged with Spangles here," she huffed, setting him down next to Tony.
"I hate you," Steve muttered.
"Sure you do,"
"Why was I dragged here?" Tony asked. "I feel betrayed,"
"You two need to talk," Nat smirked. Peter mouthed sorry at him from behind her, but Tony still glared a hole into his skull.
"You had to ruin my clothes with your sticky junk for THIS?"
"Have you ever tried saying no to her? Have you? It's impossible! She's highly terrifying!"
"Thank's doll, you can go play," she smiled, shooing Peter away.
That evil child, leaving him alone with Natasha and Steve. Tony was so not giving him a car for his birthday anymore.
"So. Are you ready to stop being children and talk?" She asked slowly. Tony looked down and Steve became very interested in the ceiling pattern. "Alright then, we'll do this my way. S'more fun anyways,"
"Does your way involve sharp objects or pain?" Tony inquired.
"Only emotional pain," she assured, stepping away from them and pulling her phone out of her pocket (how the hell did she have pockets, isn't that suit skin tight? Does Cap have invisi-pockets too? Tony was so going to develop secret pockets).
"Where are you going?" Cap called after her. She waved a hand and hopped out the window.
"JARVIS! Did she just-"
"You are not permitted to leave the kitchen until Miss Romanoff is satisfied," JARVIS responded immediately. He sounded smug, that bastard.
"Well I can't leave anyway, the kid stuck me to the counter," he sighed, glancing over at Cap. "What does she want us to talk about?"
Steve shrugged.
"The outcome she and the others are hoping for is that you and Mister Rogers will become romantically involved,"
Tony snickered.
"So they locked me in my own kitchen to get me and Cap to hook up?"
"Yes, sir,"
"What exactly do they want?" Steve asked.
"According to Miss Hill's blog, kissing will suffice."
Steve turned grey. Tony felt a little insulted. He wasn't that bad- certainly not as bad as Bucky Barnes and oh my God Tony you did not just think that you are a horrible person and you are going to burn in Hell for eternity for thinking that what the fuck is wrong with you-
"That's it?" Tony asked suddenly, interrupting his own self deprecating thoughts.
"Yes, sir. They are not aiming for fornication in the kitchen, people eat here."
"You think you're so clever, don't you?"
"Yes, I do."
Tony rolled his eyes and looked at Steve.
"We could talk about it."
"Talk about what? There's nothing to talk about. You're pissed at me. I get it. I'm kinda pissed at you."
"What are you pissed at me for? Besides being pissed at you."
"You're so-" Steve grunted exasperatedly.
"So... Handsome? Dashing? Fantastic?"
"Fragile."
"I am not!"
"I have to agree with Captain Rogers, sir-" JARVIS started.
"Shut up. I am not!"
"You are! Everything gets you and you act like it doesn't!"
"Nobody asked you to care! Nobody else does! I can be upset all I want and it won't matter! Just leave it alone!"
"I can't leave it alone because you're depressed!"
"Nobody told you to care!"
"But I do!"
"That's not my problem! If you wanna worry about me, and my weird eating habits and my depressive tinkering, go ahead!"
"I already do, I don't need your permission!"
"Well then why are you mad at me? For getting upset? Tough tit, Cap, I get mad! And- Everyone's mad! You live with assassins and spies! You don't think they've been thinking about how they would kill him?! But i'm nice to him because of you! Because you asked!"
"I'm not angry at you!"
"You said you were!"
"I don't know what i'm saying!"
Tony started to reply angrily but then started laughing uncontrollably.
"What?"
"You..." Tony shook his head. "Nothing. Don't know what you're saying."
"I don't. But i'm not mad at you. You're- Right to angry at me."
"Then why won't you talk to me?"
"You locked yourself-!"
"I mean about this. We're talking right now and you're not saying anything. And emotions make me super uncomfortable, so i'm way out of my comfort zone on a limb for you,"
"It's wrong," Steve muttered after a minute.
"Come again?"
"Bucky. He has nothing. He has up 'til he died and basic knowledge. He's missing half of himself and he's just so- I can't be mad at him. And he's my friend,"
"Your best friend," Tony added sarcastically.
"No."
"What?"
"You're my best friend."
"So you don't hate me?"
"You infuriate me, but I don't hate you."
"Good. You know, I don't try to make you mad, i'm just a rub you the wrong way type of guy," Tony sighed. But he'd like to rub Steve the right way what the fuck Tony why did you just think that are you on crack did you start doing drugs again in your sleep or something are you out of your mind that is not a normal thought don't do it again-
"I just get mad at you because otherwise i'll feel bad for you. And you have enough pity from everyone else."
"Hey! I'm not some orphaned asshole-"
Oh wait, yeah, he was.
"Okay, well I am but i'm not on a downward spiral of substance abuse to becoming a recluse with no social skills and oh my God, Steve, I'm such a fucking mess."
"Yes. I know this."
"HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME?!"
"We assumed you knew!"
"I'm a rich asshole! I'm gonna die alone in my lab with a bottle of bourbon!"
"No you won't,"
"I so will though. Hope it happens after I finish this awesome jet,"
"You're not dying,"
"I will, though,"
"Maybe not. Fury brought Phil back,"
"True. I could be immortal like Thor and Loki. God of the Tonyverse,"
"That sounds horrible,"
"That sounds awesome,"
"Are you mad at me?"
"I don't have the capability to be mad at you, i'm just good at pretending."
"So you pouting downstairs was-"
"I wasn't pouting! I didn't know it had been so long!"
Steve shook his head.
"Piece of work, Stark," he muttered.
"Can we leave, JARVIS?" Tony asked.
"Miss Romanoff is insisting that you kiss. She has placed a bet with Miss Hill."
"Steve doesn't want-"
"She doesn't care."
"that's sick. She's a sick, sick lady. Can she hear this?"
"She can see you, but she's quite talented in lip reading."
Tony mouthed a very long, very detailed description of how he was planning on killing her at the ceiling.
"She says that though you are creative, there's no way you're getting a shark tank with laser beams and you still have to kiss."
Tony rolled his eyes. He leaned over and kissed Cap on the cheek.
"We good?" He asked, definitely not seeing Steve go pink and absolutely not getting hot in the face. It is a freaking kiss Tony and it was on his cheek are you joking you're not a high-schooler you do not blush stop it right now.
"She says that for now, it will suffice."
"Great. God, I do not exist to live out that woman's fantasies- Someone get me off this table so I can go back to building my superjet? Please?"
Cap lifted Tony off the table and then practically ran upstairs to his room. Tony walked almost as fast back down to the lab.
After a few minutes- or hours, days, apparently he had no concept of time- Peter knocked on his glass lab door.
"JARVIS-"
The door slid open.
"Hey, Tony," Peter said sheepishly, walking over to him.
"The traitor returns."
"You're the one who let me back in."
"Oh God, do I have to go back up there? Have another talk?"
"No. But Steve says you need to eat."
"Steve can come down here. He's not banned. What are you doing down here?"
"Are you alright?"
"I dunno. I think so. Me and Steve are weird again."
"Why is he-"
"Something happened with Bucky and he should hate him but he doesn't and I wanna smash in his face."
"Whose face?"
"Bucky's. Not Steve's, Steve- He's not..."
"He likes you." Peter said suddenly.
"He does not."
"He does. Natasha was texting him. He doesn't think you like him. Also I've seen you two together and it's like- Gay,"
"Are you joking me right now?"
"Fight me."
Tony exhaled and set down his wrench.
"Let's assume you're right, and I like Steve and he likes me, what do I do? He's pissed at me and there's Bucky freaking Barnes-"
"Only child right here! Do not get dating advice from me!"
"You're lucky you're my only child or I'd totally have the other one kill you."
"I'm not technically your kid."
"And I'm not technically an alcoholic. Point?"
"Ask Pepper for advice about Steve. I gotta go," he smiled, heading out.
"Where you going? Got a hot date?"
Peter smiled to himself.
"I'm going to see Wa- A friend. Good friend."
"Is this friend pregnant?"
"No!"
"Are you pregnant?"
"Nope."
"Go ahead then."
Peter laughed his way back upstairs.
"JARVIS?" Tony asked when he was gone.
"Yes sir?"
"Get me Pepper Potts on the phone."
"Right away, sir."