Hope was such a sad thing. It made people think that everything was okay when it wasn't. It deceived people, it let others down.
It had let me down.
I had thought that moving to a new school would be a fresh start. Thought that things would be different; that my life would be different. But the truth was that everything was just worse, even more worse than before.
Gerard had lied to me. He had played with my emotions, and I'm not the type to show my emotions, let alone allow them to be played with.
And he had done it so skilfully, so precised; had hit me where it would hurt and made me feel vulnerable. And I hated it.
I hated him.
It's been two days since the argument, two days since we talked, two days since I answered his calls. Each ring acting like a stab to the chest. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Why couldn't he just give me space?
Was that too much to ask?
Apparently it was. Because on Monday morning, he had caught me off guard in the hallways; on my way to math class. I hated math so both the timing and the situation irritated me. But I refused to let him know that I was suffering. I won't let him crawl back into my life.
"Frank," He began, stepping infront of me. His hair was ruffled and his tie was askew. There were light bags under his eyes and it was obvious that the situation was unsettling him as well. I looked a mess too but I covered my bags with makeup.
"How may I help you, Gerard?" I smiled, overly bright; giving him a cold shoulder.
"Frank can you stop this?" He huffed in frustration. I felt a simmer of anger begin to boil in my stomach but I swallowed it down.
Nope, I was not going to give in.
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about Gerard, what exactly should I stop?" I asked in the same light hearted tone. Gerard groaned and slammed his fists against a locker suddenly, making me flinch.
"Stop acting like this!" He snapped. I looked around and thanked the stars that the hallways were empty.
"Oh like what Gerard?!" I snapped back, my resilience long gone at this point. "I should stop being angry about the fact that you knew? That you knew about my father's death and didn't even tell me, or the fact that you're still hiding things from me, even when I trusted you with everything??" I fumed. Gerard looked at me in shock, guilt splashing on his features.
I took that in my advantage. Gerard dropped his gaze then and ran a hand through his hair, "I only did that to protect you--"
"Fuck that," I spat.
"I'm serious Frank, I honestly can't tell you, you'd get hurt," He said, sounding genuine. That only made me feel worse and made my eyes start to prick with tears that were begging to fall.
"More hurt than how I am now?" I whispered and he tore his gaze back up at me. "More pain then you've caused me?" He didn't say anything then, only bit his lip and inhaled deeply.
"Yes," He replied solemnly and I scoffed, feeling the first tear slip. "Yeah right,"
"Frank, you mean so much to me, you may not understand now but your safety means everything to me and I can't put you in a position that can jeopardise that,"
My confusion knew no bounds at that moment. Gerard wasn't making any sense any more and I wondered if he had taken anything this morning.
"Gerard are you high?" I asked with all seriousness. He shot me a hurt expression and I felt a familiar stab in my chest, "Thanks for your confidence in me,"
I didn't say anything and a moment of silence passed by before I decided to speak up again, "Look, I have to go to class--" I sighed, looking at his falling expression.
When he didn't reply I went around him and walked away from him, refusing to allow the rest of my tears to escape.
¥¥¥
After school, I went over towards my locker to pack up my stuff for the day. But before I could type my locker digits: I heard someone yelling my name.
It was Gerard.
I rolled my eyes and proceeded getting my locker open. Why couldn't he just take a hint? I didn't need his help.
That was what occupied my mind before I felt someone shove me harshly onto the floor just as I opened my locker.
I was about to throw insults, along with my fists, at Gerard before I heard a loud explosion. The eruption shook the ground and Gerard covered my frame with his body and I could only feel the heat from the explosion.
I heard blood curdling screams and heavy billows of smoke obscured my vision. Gerard got up and helped me up shortly after.
Before I could process what just happened, he dragged me away from the scene and into a quiet bathroom.
I was coughing uncontrollably, tears pricking my eyes. He pulled out a bottle of water from his backpack and opened it.
He pushed the bottle to my lips, a silent order for me to drink, and I did.
After I had had enough; he closed it and put it back in his bag. I stared at him, panting hard.
"Gerard what the hell?!" I rang out. He only brought out a cigarette and lit it, taking a long drag before blowing the fumes straight in my face, making me to start coughing again.
"It was a miniature home made bomb, someone planted it in your locker," He answered simply, never looking at me.
My jaw dropped then, my eyes not leaving the older boy smoking in front of me. "How, how did you know that there was a bomb in my locker?" I asked in exasperation.
"I just knew," The words rang in my ears, making my brain dizzy. The smoke from Gerard's cigarette reminded me of the smoke back in the hallways and my stomach turned dangerously.
I got up suddenly and rushed into one of the stalls. Dropping on my knees I lifted up the toilet seat and heaved violently into the toilet bowl.
I felt a hand rub my back as I vomited aggressively, reaching up to pull the handle and watched the swirling water before I slumped back against the stall wall; looking at Gerard weakly.
He gave me a concerned look before asking if I was okay. I scoffed, trying to even out my breathing. He swiped a damp clump of my hair behind my ear, his gaze still on me.
"Gerard can you please tell me what's going on?" I pleaded, completely tired and fed up with this situation.
"Please," I urged and he squeezed his eyes shut, his face scrunched up as if he was conflicted about something.
"You're not going to believe me," He sighed and I hardened my gaze. "Try me,"
Gerard opened his eyes then, the pair of hazels seemed to be looking right through me, studying me, before he nodded to himself.
"What would you say if I told you that I could see visions?"
I looked up at Gerard, waiting for him to burst out laughing. To say that he was joking but he never did.
"I know it's hard to believe, that's why I was reluctant on telling you in the first place, also there are serious consequences for telling you all of this but: we're screwed anyways,"
I watched the words roll off of his tongue, my mind going into a frenzy.
"You think that this is funny?" I yelled, denying everything that he had just said. He furrowed his eyebrows, looking genuinely perplexed and that only made me more angry.
"You think this whole thing is a fucking game?"
"Do you think I'm joking, Frank?" Gerard countered, getting up to tower over my still shaking form.
"Do you think what just happened was a damn magic trick?!" He spat, his face growing a deep red. "Do you think that I would have enjoyed seeing my boyfriend blown to pieces??"
The tension was too much for me and I submitted to the overwhelming dread that had suddenly eloped me when I realised that he was actually telling the truth. Or at least I would give him the benefit of the doubt.
I didn't even hide the steady stream of tears that began to flow shamelessly. I was a mess, a confused mess and I had allowed this man standing in front of me to make me so.
"Look Frank," He started again in a softer undertone. "Your father had a lot of enemies, people that you think you trust are lying to you. You have a few enemies-- I have a few enemies,"
"What are you getting at Gerard?" I asked quietly, my head starting to spin again with the new found conspiracy he was forming.
"Your mother killed your father Frank, and her boyfriend is sending people to kill you from your hometown in New York," He said, looking straight at me, not blinking.
The words processed slowly in my mind but it didn't register.
What?
"You're lying," I breathed, sniffing loudly. "My mom hated my dad but she would never take his life--- besides, he overdosed," I said defensively, desperately trying to form good reasons why the woman I called my mother, wouldn't end someone's life.
He came closer to me, kneeling down so that his eyes were leveled with mine. He gave me a sad smile then, "Oh, is that what she told you?" He asked simply but I didn't answer.
"It's obvious that you don't know what's going on, but Frank you need to listen to me--- we have to go,"
He said the words very slowly but it felt like everything was happening too fast. I couldn't think straight and I felt like I was going to faint any minute.
"Go where?" I asked gingerly, thinking he meant going home. He paused for a minute, and honestly that felt like the longest and most excruciating minute of my life.
"We need to leave, leave this place, leave New Jersey and go back to New York. You deserve to understand this situation. This town is too dangerous...for the both of us and I think after what just happened; you agree."
I found myself then, taking in the situation that presented itself in front of me, my breathing becoming more shallow as I looked into his eyes.
"What exactly are you asking of me, Gerard?"
"Follow me to New York, let's leave this madness behind us. They're going to kill us if we stay here another day..." He said. He sounded desperate, certain that his theory was so correct.
He pleaded with me with his eyes, speaking again when I had just began to open up my mouth to speak: "Run away with me, Frank. Please, it's for your own good,"
He held my hands tightly then and I dropped my gaze, making the tears to fall on our entwined hands.
And that's when I made the decision that I would regret for the rest of my life.