I wasn't careful.
Now I have to suffer the consequences.
But how can I be careful when he doesn't make it easy for me to control my feelings?
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
***
Matteo had been amazing for the past months we were together. He was always there, always showed concern. I know we had a strange set-up but he made it worth it. I know how difficult it is for him to keep our secret from Frances. But despite that, he still made sure he took care of me when he had the time. He would drop by the coffee shop every morning and bring me fruits. He introduced me to his best friend and his mother. Both were amazing people - and the only two who knew his secret - of course we couldn't risk it being announced to everyone we knew since it was a delicate situation for him. Sometimes I even wonder how long we'll be able to keep it from Frances because eventually she would find out - only time would tell when that would happen.
I adored his mother - Tita Camille. She was as ecstatic as Matteo was about the baby. She was a cool mom - and promised to never tell Frances about us. Matteo also had sisters - whom I've yet to meet. Matteo mentioned that they also wanted to meet me and were excited about the baby. And as for my family - I was surprised that Matteo agreed to meet with them as well. Dad and Kuya have been civil to him and Ma, well she has been hospitable to Matteo every time he drives me home. I know she's eager to convince him to change his mind and marry me - the ideal situation. But, as I've explained to her, his heart already belonged to someone else. As for Ate M, she was too busy with her boy toy to bond with Matteo. I did have her to thank for making this all possible though - sentiments that Matteo also shares.
Although I've only met two people in his life, this was enough to make me realize what a wonderful person he was, and how envious I was of Frances to even think of treating him the way she does. I know Frances and I have never been the best of buddies but I've always felt (based on my previous relationship and what Matteo has shared about his) that she didn't value him as much as she was supposed to.
As for Tony, ever since our break up, I never heard from him again. I was surprised that my mother didn't bring him up. I've never opened up to her about Tony and she and Tita Jessie, Tony's mom, had always assumed that ours was a perfect relationship. I doubt Ma even told Tita I was pregnant. I know they've been talking about my break up with Tony. I just never had the guts to ask Ma what she's been saying. But then again, I knew my mother would stand by my decision no matter what. Even if it meant shattering her one dream of matchmaking - which has failed in my (and Ate's) opinion.
I know I'll always be second to Matteo, but it's ok. I've gotten used to him being around that it would be difficult if I lost him. He made me happy. And at the same time, that scared me as well. I could not fall in love with him. I mustn't...
***
I was already on my seventh month. According to my doctor, we could already see if our baby was a boy or a girl since previous ultrasounds failed due to the baby's positioning. It had already been kicking and moving around so we were both pretty excited.
"If it's a girl, what should we call her?" Matteo asked me.
"Nicolette!" I exclaimed.
"Unfair. Where is the Matteo part there? It's all NICOLE. Call her Millet...It'll be a cross between Matteo and Nicolette. Ayaw mo 'nun? 'M' lang ang part ko."
"There wouldn't be a Nicole in that name!"
He laughed. "Fine. How about if it's a boy?"
"Matthew."
"Where's the Nicole there?" he teased.
"No need. I want my son to be like his dad." I smiled.
He hugged me tight. "Wow. Sweet mo ha! What's gotten into you?" [You're sweet]
I shrugged. "I like that name."
"So when will the ultrasound be?" he asked.
"Next week. I scheduled it on a weekend as always."
He suddenly paled. "Uh, ok. I guess I have to change plans then. But could you try to reschedule...uh...it's our anniversary."
My face fell. "But didn't you say that you would choose the baby?"
He sighed. "Nicole, that was if you gave birth. We can reschedule the ultrasound, right? I already made plans to go out of town with Frances. I'm sorry, Nic. Just reschedule so I can be there, ok?" Then his phone rang. I guess it was his cue to leave me because it was Frances who called asking him to pick her up from art classes.
When Matteo left, I felt a sharp pain in my heart. And that scared me more than I ever thought possible.
I've fallen in love with him. I didn't want to but he made it hard for me not to. I love him but I can't ever tell him. Because if I do, I might lose him forever. I can't risk that.
***
"It's your fault you're feeling this way. If you didn't agree to your ridiculous set-up with Matteo, this never would have happened. You should have grabbed the opportunity when you had the chance. Now it's a different situation because he's already used to your stupid set-up. I freaking told you so!"
Dulce was the first person I admitted to about my feelings for Matteo. Of course I expected her to react in that way - which made me realize that I should have sought advice from Monique instead.
"What do you plan on doing? Are you going to tell him how you feel?"
I shook my head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"You know the reason why."
"He might change his mind. It's not too late."
"What if he rejects me? He loves her too much to choose me."
"Think of the baby. It needs a father."
"Which is what Matteo will be when I give birth."
"Has he told her yet?"
I shook my head. "We vowed never to tell. Besides, it's their anniversary. He wouldn't want to ruin that for her. He knows she hates me."
She sighed. "Will you reschedule the ultrasound?"
I nodded. "His request." Then I burst into tears.
"Wow. Martir!" Then Dulce hugged me tight. "I hope you know what you're doing, Nic. I don't want to see you get hurt." Then she sighed again. "You're a weirdo, you know. You stay with an asshole for five years but never fell in love with him. Then you spend four months with Matteo and fall in love with him knowing he's already with someone else. I dunno if you're a masochist or just plain stupid." [martyr]
"Don't you mean unlucky?" I said, wiping my tears away.
"Fine. They're basically the same thing." she teased.
"Don't worry, Dulce. I can take it." At least I hope I can.
Little did I know, I would soon be eating my words.
***
It happened a week after his trip with Frances. Matteo insisted in having dinner with me because he had news to tell me, he said. So he picked me up at Funky Brewster and drove me to the Chinese restaurant we usually frequented.
We were halfway through dinner and discussing the upcoming ultrasound appointment when he suddenly told me something else. "Nic, there is something I have to tell you."
"What is it?"
"She finally said it."
His words cut me like a knife. I couldn't help it. I knew what that meant because it had been something Matteo shared with me before about Frances. And no sooner did the thought sink in, the sooner did the words I longed to say come out. "I love you."
He nodded. "Yes. She finally said it. I couldn't believe it either. After three years, she finally said the words I've waited so long for her to say. I guess I've managed melted her heart of ice at last."
"I love you, Matteo." I took his hands in mine. Then the tears fell before I was able to control myself. "I'm the one who loves you. Not her."
It took a few seconds for my words to reach him. "What did you say?"
"I love you, Matteo. Please choose me, not her."
"Wait...Nic...you what?"
"I changed my mind. I want us to be a family. I don't want this set-up anymore."
His face fell. "Oh no, Nic..." Then he looked away. "...I'm sorry."
I couldn't stop myself. I had to say what was on my mind - the things I've kept bottled up ever since I realized them. "I never meant for this to happen. You've been so wonderful to me and our baby." I looked at him pleadingly. He was at a loss for words because minutes ticked by and he still refused to look at me nor did he utter anything. "Please say something..."
Then what he did next was unthinkable and shattered my world in a million pieces...
He tossed some money on the table and left without saying a word.
***
It was the day of my ultrasound appointment - which was actually the day before I confessed everything to Matteo. I tried ringing his phone to remind him because I half-hoped that he would at least want to be there despite what happened last night. Unfortunately, he never picked up. Neither did he respond to my message telling him what time I was supposed to be at the doctor's. Because Matteo usually accompanied me, it hurt when my doctor looked for him so I had to come up with an excuse that he wasn't available. It was a good thing Monique was nice enough to accompany me. However, she didn't know why I suddenly begged her to come with me to my doctor's appointment.
"Aww...and he was so excited to see it. Don't worry. I'll give you the picture so you can show it to him." The doctor was used to seeing Matteo with me.
And as I watched the ultrasound, it brought tears to my eyes. According to the doctor, the baby was in tip top shape. It had been moving about but now it would be easier to detect its gender.
"It's a boy."
The tears fell. Seeing and finally knowing what my baby was going to be gave me mixed emotions wrapped between joy and disappointment.
"Do you have a name prepared?" the doctor asked.
I was supposed to say 'Matthew' but I suddenly shook my head. "No."
When we finally left the doctor's office, Monique suddenly took my hand. "I have a feeling you need to talk to someone." So I silently let her bring me to the nearest restaurant. And no sooner had we sat down did I break down.
"Dulce told me you fell for him. Are you crying because of that?"
I shook my head and told her what happened last night.
"Oh my goodness. What an asshole. He makes Tony look like a saint. How did you get home?"
"I called Kuya Emoy."
"Does your family know?"
I shook my head.
"What happens now?"
"Stick to the original plan. He never had to know in the first place. It would've been better if he hadn't."
"Give him time. Maybe he was shocked. He never expected you to confess, dear."
"I know. But I never expected him to take the news that way. I tried calling him today to remind him of the ultrasound but he never answered. Neither did he respond to my texts."
"So you plan to just cut him out?"
I burst into tears again. "I will die if he suddenly decides to choose Frances over the birth of our baby."
"Oh, Nic. I don't know what to say." She hugged me tight. "If Matteo doesn't want to be in your life, Dulce and I will be there for you. So will your family, so don't worry."
I was deep in thought when Monique dropped me home. If I planned on cutting Matteo out of my life, the best way was to just disappear all together. Leaving the coffee shop was easy because my business partner Gino was there to manage while I was away. That solved the part of avoiding Matteo if he planned on dropping by the shop. The next problem was him visiting my home. I couldn't really impose on staying at Dulce or Monique's, so I thought of staying somewhere I knew he had no idea where - my Ate Miranda's.
-end chapter 19-