After youth group, we hung out at Ace's house for a while.
"I never knew she died." He said. "Technically, I never even met her."
"Yeah, I guess you never did. You became my best friend after she died. I feel like I'm replacing her. I never wanted to." I said crying. "But you're an amazing friend Ace; don't take this the wrong way. I still love you as much as Amber; I just don't want to ever forget about her."
"She'll always have a place in your heart," He asked.
"Yeah, she will." I said. "Just sometimes, even though I really don't want to, I forget about her. I'm just hoping if you leave, you'll never leave my heart." I said smiling. I hugged Ace tightly and then we moved on.
Near nine o'clock Ace and I went outside; it was almost dark. We hung out there and had a mini picnic in his backyard.
It was pretty romantic, I mean... Well yes it was but we're only friends.
We talked about all sorts of things, such as school, youth group, Amber, my family and his family.
Ace and I are getting a lot closer, as friends. It's pretty tough sometimes, talking to him, especially now... he has cancer. I sometimes think about one of these conversations, being our last, but Ace can see I'm worrying and he'll hug me and hold me close.
We talked for two hours and surprisingly, I never was bored for a second.
"Hey, Ace." I asked.
"Yes Cam?"
"You-you don't remember Saturday night?"
"What about it?" He asked.
"Well, where should I start..?"
"Start from the beginning Camilla, please."
I told him the whole thing from start to finish.
"Then, you told me you wanted to die because I didn't love you. I-is that true?" I cried.
"Camilla, oh gosh..." He sat there shocked.
"Ace, what do you remember?"
"I remember getting mad at my mum because you didn't love me but after that, I can't remember a single thing. I was really drunk... Wasn't I?"
"Yeah..."
"Did I really almost kill myself?" He asked surprised.
"You told me your mum stopped you."
"Why did you come over that night? Keep telling me what happened. I need to know."
"Well, I called Riley because I knew you were upset about something other than you being sick, and I heard you yelling at your mum in the background. You telling her that you didn't understand why I didn't love you back, because you gave me everything." I sobbed.
Ace held me close, hugging me tightly. "Camilla, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened... But how did you know I was going to kill myself?"
"You wrote a suicide note." I whispered.
"What did it say?"
I gave him the note that I still had in my pocket.
Dear Family,
I love you. But things are so hard right now. I don't think I can live any longer. I'll play baseball in heaven with dad!
Having leukemia is going to be so hard, so I'm deciding to take another way out.
Riley, please tell Camilla that she is an amazing girl and she deserves a guy better than me. That's probably why she never loved me.
I never treated her right. I didn't give her everything. Tell her to find someone that will treat her well.
Goodbye, Ace.
"Did I actually write that? Oh gosh Camilla, I am so sorry. It's true, you deserve a guy that won't try to take his own life and hurt you like that."
"No, Ace. I don't deserve you. You're a great guy. It just really hurt when I heard you yelling at your mum that I didn't care that you love me. I do so care. I appreciate you and care about you, so much."
"When I told you I loved you, what did you say?"
I swallowed.
"Did you tell me you loved me?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Camilla, you don't love me do you?"
"Ace, I honestly don't know how I feel about you. But there is something else we did..." I paused.
"Did we have sex?" He blurted out.
"No! Of course not! We uh kissed."
"We did?"
"Yeah..."
"Tell me what happened."
Flashback to Saturday
"Camilla, I love you," he slurred and gave me a big toothless grin.
"Okay Ace. I love you too. But you really need to go to bed." I laughed. He's actually pretty funny when he's drunk.
"You wuv me?" He smiled.
"I wuv you very much."
"Aw thanks baby." Ace giggled planting a kiss on my cheek.
"Hey, Ace." I stopped him from lying down in his bed.
"Hmm?" He asked sleepily rubbing his eyes.
"You missed." I laughed.
"Missed what?"
"My lips." I grinned.
"What?" He asked confused.
"Oh for goodness sakes just kiss me Ace!"
"Kiss you?"
"Yes! Just kiss me right-"
His rough lips were pressed against mine for a long time. His breath smelled like alcohol but I didn't care.
Flashback ends
"You asked me to kiss you?"
"Maybe..." I whispered.
"Why? Why do you keep playing me like this?" Ace threw his arms up in frustration.
"Ace, you were drunk and I was so emotional, I wanted someone to comfort me okay? It was a mistake. I used you so I could feel comforted and I'm sorry. It wasn't right. But I knew I couldn't leave you alone. Plus, if I didn't tell you that I loved you back, you would've cried again and-"
"I was crying? I must've looked like such a wreck." He rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, you did look like a wreck. But for that night, you were my wreck. You belonged to me and I enjoyed the thought and feeling of having you."
There was silence for a second.
"Do you want me for who I am? Or do you only want me because I was cute when I was drunk?"
"Ace, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore. It was a mistake kissing you and I won't force you to kiss me anymore."
We stopped talking about that after.
Finally, it was dark enough to look at the stars. This has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. We sat in his hammock and looked at the stars. I got tired and put my head on his shoulder. I didn't even notice. I fell asleep for five minutes.
"Sorry." I said when I got up. "I didn't notice."
"That's fine." He said. His face looked full of happiness again.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked sitting up. I put my hand in his.
"You," he replied.
"What about me?" I asked as I giggled at the fact that he was thinking about me.
"How you pursue after God." He smiled. "And also how beautiful you are, but you probably already know that."
"How would I already know that?" I asked again.
"Because of the way I look at you." Then he leaned in to kiss me. I knew I was ready. I acknowledged his gesture and leaned in also. Then after what seemed forever, our lips touched and we kissed softly.
"Camilla?"
"Yes?" I breathed out after our kiss.
"Was that a mistake?"
"No," I sighed happily.
"You don't have to tell me you love me, but I need you to know that I love you with all my heart. Nothing will ever change how I feel about you."
I smiled.
I thought we were just friends. But I don't know where we stand right now. He doesn't remember our first kiss. He was drunk out of his mind.
Everyone starts out with their guy best friend as "just friends" but then they either grow farther apart or become more than just friends.
And after that night, I knew we were more.
*The next day*
Yesterday, I decided to convince my parents I am responsible enough to get my own car. And I've been keeping my eye on a beauty. Our neighbour just put a "For Sale" sign on his (almost) brand-new Honda civic. I'm pretty sure I only saw his daughter use it once or twice before she got her licence taken away. And I guess her dad was so furious he decided to sell her car.
Now, I know I don't want to be the girl who "took away her car" but, have you ever seen that piece of heaven? So yesterday after school, I asked mum for the grocery list and I went to the store to do the errands. After that, I took Heidi to bracelet making lessons. I don't understand why she takes lessons for that...
Basically I did a full day's work of errands for mum and dad, and they didn't really do much about it. They said thanks, gave me $20 and that was it. What a waste of time.
~~~~
When I got home off the bus, I stared in the driveway and saw the Honda civic sitting in the driveway, just waiting to be driven. I hopped off the bus and walked inside like everything was normal. But on the inside I was screaming.
"Why don't you call up Dakota and take her for a test?" My dad asked as he dangled the keys.
I grabbed the keys and my phone and ran out the door. Dakota was already in the passenger seat; I guess she somehow heard the news.
"This is so cool!" She exclaimed. "I wish my parents would get me a car."
"Just show them you're responsible enough, that's what I did. And I do have to pay for some of it."
"Alright," she said as I pulled into her freshly paved driveway. "I guess I should get going. Thanks for the ride!"
"You want a ride to school tomorrow?" I asked.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"Okay cool!" She said.
~~~
Today is the dance. I'm not going, since there's no point... I don't have a date. Oh well, maybe next year. Plus, tons of kids last year said that they had an "amazing" time getting drunk, and I know that getting intoxicated is not how I'd like to spend my night.
Dakota and I drove to school together and I was proud of my new vehicle. I stepped out of my Jeep and everyone was pointing at my car and whispering to their friends. They were probably saying, "Look at Camilla's nice ride." Or, "Wow, I'm so jealous of her! I wish I had her car." Okay I was probably just imagining that part.
We went to calculus and sat down. I put my earphones in and started my work. Quietly, I finished my work before anyone else, which wasn't a surprise. Ace looked like he needed my help so I explained it to him. He caught on and finished quickly. I turned on some music and stared at the chalkboard.
I was daydreaming about Ace when all of the sudden, the sharp voice of Dakota snapped me back into reality.
"Camilla!" Dakota said, pulling out one of my earbuds.
"Huh?" I said. "What?"
"Wake up!" she said.
"I was never asleep Dakota." I said.
"Well then stop day dreaming! It's time for French."
"Oh, sorry," I said. I packed up my things and started to walk down the hall. I need to find Ace. I need to talk to him.
~~~~
I have to confess to my dad what's going on between me and Ace but I'm afraid he might take away my car. I have a feeling; I'm doing something wrong by pretending that nothing's happened. I can't figure out how to tell my parents.
Actually, I'm planning on telling my dad since he might be the most understanding. I like to sit and listen to music in my room, and think. So that's what I'm doing now. I'm trying to think of a way to tell my dad. Should I say; "Hey dad, I kissed Ace." No, that won't work. Maybe if I say; "I have to confess something dad... I kissed Ace." Sure, that could work.
I read my bible again today and learned about how to confess. So maybe I should confess to God first? But he already knows that I kissed Ace. But I will say sorry because, I know I did wrong. So, I turn down my music and remove my headphones. I get down on my knees beside my bed and silently pray and ask for forgiveness.
Dear God,
I'm sorry for kissing Ace. It was wrong and I need your forgiveness. And I need your advice, your help. I want to confess to my dad about kissing Ace. But I need to know, how to say it.
Thank you for listening to me,
So in your name I pray,
Amen.
I figure I should confess to my dad now. So go to his room and knock silently on the door.
"Come on in sweetie." He said. When I came in, he set down his bible and took off his glasses. "What's the matter Cam? Is there something we need to talk about?"
"Actually, there is." I said. My stomach is turning and my heart is beating; fast. I choked a little and said, "There is something, but I need this to be a secret between us."
"Okay, what is it?" He asked.
"I-I need to confess something. You remember when you asked me if I have a boyfriend. And I said no," He looked worried. "Well my answer was slightly true. I'm so sorry dad, I wasn't thinking." My heart sunk when I saw his face.
"Oh, sweetie... It's okay." He said hugging me. "I understand. Who are you referring to though?" This is the hard part.
"Well, there is a boy and his name is... It's Ace dad. I kissed Ace. Well actually, he kissed me but I did tell him to kiss me first because he was drunk and I was really emotional and-"
"Okay, slow down honey. Start from the beginning." My dad interrupted.
"Well, last Saturday night, Ace was drunk because he was really upset about something, so to make him feel better I told him I loved him, even though I didn't know my feelings for him at the time. Then, I told him to kiss me. And then, the next week, Ace and I had a picnic and we kissed again. I'm so sorry; you have the right not to trust me." I said crying.
He hugged me again. "I'm glad you told me the truth. It means a lot to me. But remember about the purity ring your mother and I gave you a couple years back?"
"Yeah, I guess it just sort of slipped my mind. But dad, I just don't know if I can promise not to do it again. I mean, Ace is dying... I'm going to miss him, a lot."
"Okay, I understand you can't promise me anything... and that's alright. Just promise me nothing will get serious. I love you too much to lose you." I hugged him and a few tears streamed down my cheek.
"I promise dad. I love you."
"I love you too pumpkin pie." He said as I walked out the door. "This is our secret," I smiled.