I still can't believe that this is happening to me. There is a little human being in my stomach and it's growing fast. Too fast but apparently it's normal for someone like me. After Abby told me that I'm pregnant and after Clarke comforted me I got out of the room to find Luna. Since she is also a nightblood I thought that maybe she would know more how it works. And I also wanted to ask her something else.
She explained to me that my blood is better to survive radiation. And because of that the baby is also a nightblood. I'm growing a little bit faster than everyone else. And that makes the baby grow faster as well. But that's all that Luna knows.
''That's not the only reason why you came, is it?'' Luna asks me while she looks me in my eyes. She's still not fully better but the both of us realized that she's the only one that will get better because she's a nightblood. The blisters on her face are slowly fading away with every minute. I shake my head at her question and take a deep breath.
''If something happens to me and the baby is already born.... I want you to take care of it when I'm gone,'' I say with tears in my eyes. I don't know what is going to happen to me in the future. Maybe I don't survive giving birth to my baby because I know that it can happen. Or maybe I die because of the radiation. There are a lot of things that can happen. And when one of those things happen I want Luna to take care of my child.
She smiles at me and hugs me. I hug her back and a tear rolls down on my cheek.
''Of course I will take care of it when something happens to you. But I'm also going to make sure that nothing is going to happen to you,'' she says. I smile at her words and I let her go.
''Now, does Bellamy know?'' she asks me.
I look down and shake my head. I'm afraid that if I tell him he's going to get angry. Or worse, leave me. And if that happens then I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't want him to leave me.
''Yes, he does,'' a voice other than Luna says. I look up and turn around. With tears in my eyes I look at Bellamy. I think that Clarke already told him. But he's not looking angry but also not looking sad or happy. He's just looking shocked. Like he can't believe that it's true.
''I'm going to be a dad?'' he asks not believing that it's true. I close my eyes and look at the ground again not wanting to answer his question. I don't want to ruin his life. I just don't. But I realize that I already have.
''Yes, Bellamy. You're going to be a dad,'' Luna answers his question for me when she sees that I'm not capable of doing that. I feel her hand slip in mine and I look at her with a smile. At least one of us is happy. Suddenly she lets go of my hand.
Someone wraps his arms around my waist and holds me close against his body. And I know it's not Luna because she's looking at me with a smile and she's standing up to walk away. So that only leaves Bellamy. I slowly put my arms around his neck not really understanding why he's hugging me.
''Why aren't you happy about this?'' he asks me while he looks at me frowning.
''How can I be happy about this? We are all going to die in a few months and I'm not ready to be a mom,'' I say.
Bellamy places his hands on my cheeks and he presses his forehead against mine.
''You're going to be an amazing mom. And we are going to raise this child the best we can. If you want to,'' he whispers. I take a deep breath and nod. If he wants to do this than I have to agree. I can't just give away the baby or kill it or whatever just because I don't want it. Bellamy is here too and he has as much say in it as I do.
''I need some air,'' I say after a few seconds. Bellamy nods and he lets me go. I stand up slowly but Bellamy stops me before I can walk away.
''I'm going out with someone and I was wondering if you would like to come with me,'' he says.
I smile at him and nod. I think that it's a good thing tho get out of this place for a while.
-----
We were working on something. Well actually Bellamy and the other guy were working because Bellamy forbid me to help with anything. He said that I need to rest. And I don't understand why he asked me to come with him if he wants me to rest but I don't really care. When they were working we had to stop because of the sword that was pressed against the other guy's throat. I think his name is Steven or something but I'm not sure.
I immediately recognized the people who held the sword against his throat. Azgeda. But it's weird because I thought that everything was okay between our clans. But when they took us to Polis I realized that this is not good.
I wanted to speak when they pushed us on the ground but I couldn't because of the gag in my mouth. I look at Roan and Echo and see that they are not looking happy. And so is Kane. He's looking worried at us and more at me. I think everyone knows what is happening to me now.
"Guys, are you okay?" Kane asks us.
I shake my head no because I'm definitely not okay. There is a gag in my mouth and I feel like I need to puke. I don't like it to be prisoner. I never liked it. Not on the ark and not here.
"Take the gag out of her mouth'" Roan says while he points at me. Of course. The king is in love with me. The dumbass. Little does he know that I'm pregnant. Shame for him. One of the guards takes the gag out of my mouth and that feels a lot better to be honest. Now I'm able to talk and defend us when I have to.
"Echo saw your people rebuilding your ship. She captured these three hunting in my woods. This one says it's a shelter from the radiation,'' he says while he points at the guy next to me. I'm sitting in the middle. Bellamy on my right side and Steven, or whatever his name is, on my left side.
''It is a backup plan. Nothing more,'' Kane says while he looks at Roan. I don't know if it was a backup plan because I wasn't involved with it.
''He said that too. Just before he told us you have a nightblood,'' Roan says.
I was going to speak but before I could do that Bellamy shakes his head letting me know that now isn't the right time. We don't have just one nightblood. We have two. And all this time he didn't know. Roan didn't know I am a nightblood. Or he forgot.
''It's a good thing the flame has been destroyed or I'd be worried you're planning an ascension.''
''You have to trust me. We discovered that Nightblood helps metabolize radiation. We're investigating ways to create it for everyone, turn everyone into nightbloods so we can all survive,'' Kane says.
''Blasphemy. Nothing they tell us is true,'' Echo says from behind me.
''Everything he says is the truth. Being a nightblood keeps you alive. We've seen it,'' I say. I feel a kick in my side and I realize that I'm not supposed to talk. I almost fall on the ground but before I can Echo takes a hold on my hair. I scream because of the pain it causes and I quickly steady myself so I don't feel it anymore. Bellamy is going wild next to me trying to stop Echo but it isn't working.
''This is. It's not blasphemy. It's... it's science. If Nightblood can save lives, we should use it,'' Kane says. Echo has let go of my hair and she's now standing behind me just waiting for an order. I look at Roan trying to think of things he is going to do now but his face is just blank. But then he nods at Echo and she kills the guy next to me. It wasn't Bellamy she killed and I'm happy about that but I'm also shocked that she killed the other one so easy.
Kane lets himself drop by the dead boy's side and he looks if he is still alive though I know he's not.
''Warriors don't reveal their secrets,'' Echo says.
''I'm gonna kill you!'' I scream angry at Roan while I stand up. I'm surprised that it worked to stand up but I didn't come any further because of Echo who places the tip of her swords in my back. I stop and slowly sit down again.
''Truth is the first causality of war. If your motives were pure, you would've shared your plan with me. Our alliance is broken,'' Roan says looking at Kane not really thinking about the fact that I want to kill him. He broke the alliance. It's war from now on. There is a huge change that radiation won't kill us because Azgeda is here as well.
''Skaikru and Trikru are the enemy,'' Roan then says in trigedasleng.
''What about them sire?'' someone from behind Bellamy asks. I look at Roan and see that he already knows what he wants with us.
''Hostages. Find Indra and Octavia. Kill everyone else.''
The guards listen to Roan and they start to pull us up while Kane and I are trying to stop Roan from doing this.
''Roan, you can't kill everyone! What is wrong with you? I'm gonna kill you, you hear me? I will kill you!'' I scream at him.
But when they close the doors and bring us to a cell I know that he can't hear me. And I know he won't even listen to my words. He's not afraid of me. Though he should be. I'm the black queen. And though I know that the people from Azgeda won't listen to me I don't care. I'm going to try to get everyone to listen to me. Because they did that a while ago. And at that point I didn't want it. But it doesn't hurt to try now.
-----
The Ark is gone. Burned down. It's ashes are on the ground. Everyone is looking defeated. We lost the battle. And it didn't even start yet. We are going to lose our lives. Black rain is going to come and then we are going to die. And if we don't die from black rain than there will be something else. Radiation already killed a lot of Luna's people so it will come for us too.
The Ark burned down while I was asleep. I was asleep in the ark. I almost died. If Octavia didn't help me out then I would be dead. They wouldn't have lost one live. But two since I'm carrying a child. A child that I almost lost. My child. Bellamy's child. Only now I realize how much I actually care about the little baby growing in my stomach. At first I wanted it gone because I didn't want to raise a baby here. Not when everything is going down. But now I don't want it to be gone.
I didn't come out of the burning ark without pain though. I burned my arm. I've still got my arm but it hurts really badly. Luckily nothing else happened. Bellamy went crazy after he found out that I almost died but after all of that we were okay. Everything was okay. Except for the fact that we don't have a place to stay anymore. Mount weather is gone as well but that happened a long time ago. It would have given us shelter. But we don't have shelter. We have nothing.
Everything we had everything we cared about every little thing that we couldn't stuff in our pockets are now lying on the ground. Everything is burned. You can't find anything back. The only thing you will get is the ashes of it. A lot of people are crying about what happened. Just like me.
Right now I'm crying in Bellamy's arms because of what happened. Everything I had left of my mother was in there. In my teenage years I hated her with all of my heart. But when she came down we slowly became mother and daughter again. Like real mother and daughter. Not the crap we had before. We started to care about each other. Then she took the chip and she died.
I had a few things left of her after she died. But now? Nothing. Everything is gone. But something else that was really important is also gone. It was supposed to help me giving birth to my baby. It was supposed to make it all easier for me. But that is gone. Right now I'm going to have to do it without all that stuff. I have to be in a lot of pain because right now we don't have the things that was going to help me. And I have to give birth to my child in four and a half months.
Abby told me that it's even going faster than she thought it would go. She thinks that it's unhealthy. Of course it's unhealthy. It's not supposed to go this fast. It's supposed to take nine months but that's not what happened with me. My child is going to be really little and maybe it won't survive. That's what Abby told me. And that's another reason why I'm crying right now.
Bellamy is whispering sweet words in my ear and he's trying to stop me from breaking down even more than I already have. I know that he's crying as well because I can feel something dripping on my hair. And I know the things dripping on my hair are tears. His tears.
''We're going to be okay. Our child is going to be okay. Everyone is going to be okay,'' Bellamy says.
But little does he know that no one is going to be okay. All of this is going to destroy all of us. We don't have the ark anymore. The place all of us grew up in. We met people on there. We loved on there. We made friends. Even enemies. We cried. Loved. Our past is gone. Just like the ark.
It's still dark after all. The ark is still burning a little bit but one thing that has been standing is the cell. A big cell. Apart from the ark. I didn't know that it was there or that it was apart from the ark but I know who is hiding in there. And when I hear a lot of people shouting I know that the boy needs help. Even though he was the one who burned down the ark he needs help and I'm going to give him that.
I quickly stand up wiping away my tears and run towards the cell not listening to Bellamy's calls. When I'm close I see a lot of people wanting to go in. A few are already in but the others are trying. And I can also hear Illian screaming in pain. I start to run even faster and see that Kane and a few others are also running towards the cell.
''Kane! We have to help him,'' I shout at him forgetting about the fact that the ark is gone. Or still burning. We run into the cell and try to get everyone off of Illian. I shout at everyone to get off of him just like Kane is doing. But he has a gun and I don't.
''Kane, shoot!'' I shout.
He listens to my words and he grabs his gun. He points it in the air and shoots one time. Everyone is silent and steps away from him. I quickly turn to Illian and help him even though he doesn't deserve help.
''I will shoot the next person who touches this man, so help me!'' Kane says angry while he keeps pointing his gun at people. I look at Kane and then I look at all the people. But there is one in particular. He's looking at Kane and then at Illian and he keeps doing that. I stand up and walk towards him.
I'm now standing really closely to him but he doesn't look scared. And I don't care if he isn't or if he is. But he has to know that if Kane won't shoot him than I will.
''You better walk away or you can say goodbye to everyone you love,'' I say with an angry look on my face.
I went from sad to angry really fast. But I don't care. I understand why Illian did all of this because Octavia told me. Even though I don't think it was a good move to deal with it this way I understand Illian.
Everyone starts to walk away after the man made a move with his head and he looks at me.
''Go,'' I say.
Then he's gone. He walks away and looks behind him once more. He knows who I am. Everyone knows who I am. Everyone knows every single detail in my life. Everything that happens to me. But also everything that I can do. And they know that they don't want to fight me. Even when I'm pregnant.
-----